There are different types of criers; you've got the single tear type from movies that always look fresh faced still, you've got the hysterical criers who half wail, half cry as the droplets pool from their eyes and then finally you've got the last type; just plain messy.
That's me.
As soon as Lucas had wrapped his strong arms around me and I practically folded into his warm chest, the flood gates had opened and they had no intention of crying. It was pathetic really, because that's the thing when you're a messy crier, halfway through you've completely forgotten about all the things you're crying about and instead you're crying because it feels good to actually cry. That's what I had done and now after crying, slobbering and all out snorting across his shirt, I was at the final stage of occasional sniffs and the odd hiccup.
I was not a hot mess. I was inequitably a grotesque mess.
However, despite all of this, Lucas had been great. He hadn't asked me anything, he had brought me to his car, smoothed down my hair and brought my ice cream. I knew he was perfect. He just wasn't Jackson.
At the thought of him another hiccup escaped me and I had to hold in a gigantic sob that threatened to spill out into the world. He had been texting and calling me for an hour, until he had given up and I'd turned my phone off.
Lucas' phone pierced through the otherwise silent car and I looked over at him, only now realising that he had driven the both of us practically home. We were only roughly a road over from our houses, but until I got myself under control that was the last place I wanted to be.
Lucas mouth an apology to me, before answering his phone.
"Hey Jackson. Yeah I'm good. Erm yeah, she's with me. Why? No. She's good. Not sure. I'll ask her now," Lucas turned to face me and said, "he wants to talk to you."
I shook my head left and right quickly, looking out the window.
"She said no. I don't know, you tell me. Look I've got to go. Yeah, catch you later."
Lucas hung up the phone and then turned back to me again, I made sure I was facing him again. It was the least I could do after everything he had done for me, after all it wasn't him I wanted to punch in the face.
"You feel ready to tell me why my favourite shirt has mascara stains on?" he gave me a lopsided smile and I couldn't help cracking a grin at his attempt to lighten the mood.
I knew I couldn't tell him the whole truth, not yet and I felt awful for lying when he'd been so kind to me. But even I didn't want to admit to myself how I'd been so stupid to fall for the one person that had categorically told me not to.
"It's really nothing, I'm being over sensitive today," I started and he gave me a look that said he didn't believe me. "Basically Elena is a massive bitch and Jackson is just as much of an asshole," I sighed exasperated and Lucas let out a short laugh that he tried to turn into a cough.
"Elena has had a stick up her ass ever since I came back to this stupid school and Jax is supposed to be my friend, so when she was being rude, I expected him to stick up for me, but he didn't. So, I decided to handle it myself and then next minute I'm getting the third degree from him. I told you it wasn't that big of the deal, but I don't understand what either of their problems are!" As soon as I had left the first few words out, the rest fell out like a never-ending piece of string.
I let out another huff and fell back against the warm material of Lucas' car.
"Am I completely overreacting here?" I asked with a sigh.
Lucas shook his head and let out a slight laugh as he did so. "I don't think so. Elena can annoy the hell out of anyone on a good day, besides you know she's only doing it because she's jealous. She sees you as competition and it doesn't help that you and Jackson have this weird friendship tutoring thing going on. Also, you know what he's like. He hates confrontation and emotions, so I'm not surprised he didn't jump in to defend you. But he did phone me up looking for you, which is more than he's ever done for someone else," Lucas explained and I sighed in defeat.
Maybe I had been too harsh on Jax after everything that he had been through, but I was so tired of fighting my own corner. I knew it was also because I wanted him to not only defend me, but tell someone that I meant something to him at least.
"Thanks Lucas, seriously. I promise I'm not normally like this, I am actually sane, at least most days," I smiled half heartedly and he gave me a genuine smile back.
"Don't worry about it," he replied and reached over to squeeze my hand.
His hand was smooth and warm when it touched mine and although it felt nice to comforted, I couldn't help but compare Lucas' hands to Jax's. I knew sitting in the front seat of his car, after spending the afternoon crying, that I needed to pull myself together, put my big girl pants on and stop beating myself up when my own heart already hurt enough.
"Do you want to go and get some food? It's the least I can do to say thank you," I said sincerely as I looked up at Lucas.
"I would love to, but I actually have practice this evening," he grimaced as he said it, as if he felt bad for turning me down.
"Right, of course. It's scholarship time though and it's important to you, so don't feel guilty about it. If I was as good at something as you are, I wouldn't sacrifice anything for it," I replied and gave his hand another gentle squeeze, before he pulled it back into his lap.
Lucas' eyes roamed my face and then he said, "Would you be up for coming with me? We could go and grab something to eat after?" he suggested.
I nodded, "Sounds great. Any chance I can swing home and freshen up first though?" I half grimaced, half laughed as I hinted at my appearance.
Lucas laughed along with me. "Sure," he said, before putting the car into drive.
#
I had changed into a much cuter co-ord that hugged me in all the right places, ran a brush frantically through my hair that had somewhat managed to tame the state it had gotten itself into. I quickly threw some water onto my face to break down the ruined mascara that had streamed down my cheeks, reapplied a fresh layer of makeup, ignored another missed text from Jax and hurled myself down the drive into Lucas' car.
It was only when Lucas pulled up to the school field and I saw all the boys, a few girls who were desperate to get noticed by members of the team, and the cheerleaders who were also rehearsing for an upcoming show, did I realise how rash I had been when agreeing to this.
Lucas never brought anyone to his games, let alone his practices and yet here I was. I suddenly felt as if I had been catapulted out of my comfort zone and into the gawking public school gaze, that was dominated by girls like Elena, who wanted to devour you for breakfast.
"Maybe I should wait in the car," I hesitated when Lucas exited the car and closed the door behind him, giving me no choice but to follow him out.
"Honestly, nobody is going to care. People come to our practices all the time. Plus you're my friend and you're my neighbour," he said and I had to admit he could be very persuasive when he wanted to.
Note to self: stop surrounding yourself with boys who were too smooth at talking.
"If I get scrutinised, I do expect you to be my knight in shining armour," I huffed out a breath and Lucas barked out a laugh at my comment, before he flung his arm around my shoulder and pulled me to his side.
As we rounded the corner and the sight of the field and stands came into view, I was taken aback by Jackson. The top he was wearing clung to his body like a well fitted glove and as he laughed at whatever the boy in front of him was saying, his dimples became visible. I felt like audibly gaping, but then his eyes met mine, promptly followed by the realisation that I wasn't here alone.
His eyes tracked Lucas' arm around my shoulders, around my neck, across my cheeks that were desperate to blaze like the inferno that was building inside of me and towards Lucas, who was none the wiser that his best friend looked like he wanted to kill him.
"I'm going to grab a seat," I said to Lucas and motioned to the seats behind me.
He nodded and released his grip on me, as I spun away from him and towards the safety of the cool metal bench that awaited me. The more distance I could put between Jax and I, the better I would be. Except, it seemed as if he hadn't gotten the message, because as soon as I had sat down, he was walking to me with such determination that I immediately felt flustered.
"Glad to see that you're alive and well," he said by way of greeting when he stopped in front of me.
I rolled my eyes at him, "you're so bloody dramatic."
"Well what do you expect? You haven't responded to any of my messages all day and now you've turned up to a midweek practice with Lucas. Are you trying to wind me up?" he asked with slight agitation.
"Yes actually, is it working?" I smiled sweetly, refusing to let him try and bait me into an argument.
"You're completely insufferable!" he growled under his breath and ran his hand through his hair roughly, scraping back the few long curls that had fallen onto his forehead. I couldn't help but think about all the times I had pushed them off his face too.
"Nothing you haven't told me before," I deadpanned and crossed my hands across my chest, looking away from him and across to the field at the players all warming up.
"Ronnie, can you please look at me?" he asked and I could hear the hint of desperation in his voice.
"Why is it so difficult for you to stand up for me? I know we aren't going around showcasing all the things we've done with one another, but you could at least pretend to be my friend in public Jax," I replied, still looking passed him.
"I am your friend," he said.
My eyes cut to his finally, "then act like it."
"What can I do to make it up to you? I'll buy you the biggest milkshake from the cafe round the corner that you go on Thursdays or what about a new book, I know you've been looking for the new one by Carley Fortune," he suggested and ignored the way he knew things about me, that others didn't.
"I don't need you to buy me anything Jax."
"Ok, well why don't I drive you home after practice and we can talk properly. I'm really sorry Ronnie, I'm a jerk," he tried again and as much as I wanted to get into his car, I knew it wouldn't take long before I was kissing him and my whole argument would become mute.
"Lucas is taking me out afterwards," I said quietly feeling as if I was betraying him. I didn't need or want to point out that this was the original plan; the whole thing felt like a lifetime ago.
"Right, of course," Jax said, scratching the back of his head as he nodded in understanding. "I should probably starting warming up," he added, hiking his thumb behind him at the others guys.
"Sure," I replied and I desperately wanted to run away somewhere that didn't have a Jax in it. Somewhere that I could think and not see the face I was seeing here, the one that was telling me he was disappointed, but couldn't understand why. I wanted him to realise that he didn't have to be afraid if he cared about me, but I knew it was no good .
"Before I go, in case he didn't tell you, you look beautiful," Jax said sincerely and with one final look, he turned around and headed towards everyone else.
My heart lurched as the compliment settled uncomfortably between my heart, because Lucas had told me, but my heart hadn't begun a steady incline afterwards, like it was right now.