I don't remember. I honestly, swear to god, don't remember.
Or maybe, I do, and just don't want to admit it to myself. Whether that is for good reasons or not, I will never know.
But, I think, I don't remember.
I had to try to push the entire experience to the back of my mind; I had a game to get to. I had Leah to watch.
Leah... shit.
How did I go so wrong? How did I fuck up that bad? Everything was great between her and me. We were Tippah and Leah. We were everything that I wanted and needed. She was everything I was trying to find.
I can never be happy. I can never let myself be happy. I always go and find some way to fuck it up.
I soon got a message.
Leah: you coming today?
I hesitated, my finger hovering above the screen.
Tipp: yeah, i'll be there.
Leah: good, i wanna see you in the stand
Tipp: me too xx
Leah: although, i won't be able to see you after... sarina is being really thingy about the covid situation
Tipp: oh :(
Leah: SORRY!!
Tipp: no worries, all good... ill see u after u win then hehe
Leah: yes u will x
I breathed a small sigh of relief. Leah and I were okay. Sort of. I guess. It depends on what you think 'okay' even means.
I arrived at Jordan's place, going with her to the game alongside Lia, Caitlin, and Jen. we were all fitting into Jordan's 5-seater, and it was going to be a tussle about who would be getting the middle seat. Although Jordan was once Leah's, and Leah was once Jordan's, we had a mutual understanding of each other. I don't judge their past, as long as she doesn't judge our present. It works, and we are friends.
"I'm driving, so it's up to you guys," Jordan said, laughing as she grabbed her coffee from the counter.
"But you're so small," I said, smiling at her.
"Surely you take one for the team," Caitlin suggested.
"Nope, not gonna happen," Jords replied.
"Well, I'm too tall," Jen said.
"And I'm injured," Lia added.
"Right, it's up to us," I told Caitlin, turning to her. "Scissors, paper, rock?"
"You mean paper, scissors, rock," Caitlin responded.
"I honestly don't know where you got that from," I laughed, "but fine. We can do it your way."
Caitlin won. I was stuck in the middle seat, in between her and Lia.
"Imagine being stuck in the back," Jen said, as she stretched her legs in front of her.
"Yeah well, you have more fun in the back," Lia laughed back.
I turned to Caitlin, while the other girls were all talking, wanting to ask her a few things.
"You gave my address to DVD?" I said to her, confused.
"Oh yeah, sorry. She asked and I thought, I don't think she's going to murder you, so what's the harm?" I nodded my head, not wanting to tell her too much about what happened. Just in case.
"Yeah, no worries."
"Was everything okay?" she asked, looking concerned.
"Oh yeah," I said, smiling a fake grin. "She was sweet, and it was good to see her after Lyon and everything." Caitlin nodded and didn't say anything much after.
We arrived at Brighton, finding a park quickly before getting out of the car to head into the stadium. We weren't running late, but normally I like to watch the girls warm up, but this time, we weren't in time to see that.
We sat together, close to the dugout, and I saw her. We locked eyes, and something about her staring back at me, made me feel more nervous. Normally she would calm me; she would make me feel safe and certain. But this time, I felt nervous. Nervous about keeping secrets, and feeling like the worst girlfriend this world has ever seen... because I was.
"Have you ever done something you regret?" I asked Caitlin, during the national anthem.
"You know tipp we shouldn't really talk during this," she responded quietly.
"Eh, who cares," I answered.
"Well, I mean, yes. You're supposed to regret things in life otherwise than how do you grow?" She said this so simply, and with such certainty. But I didn't feel that. How was I supposed to grow from this regret? Was it even a regret... who would know.
I was thinking when the game started; my mind was racing with thoughts that related to everything but the game that was playing out in front of me.
I was watching Leah play, probably, one of the biggest matches of her career. Except, I couldn't focus on that.
"FUCK," I heard an English supporter scream when Spain scored early in the second half. The first half had floated by me, and I felt as if I was white noise in a world that was so fast. So moving.
The entire stadium was on the edge of their seat, wanting and praying and hoping that England would claw one back.
And they did. Ella Toone scored a scrappy but great goal, bringing England back level and sending the game into overtime. I looked over behind the Spanish bench to see Eva, and Ingrid, sitting there watching their own girlfriends.
"I'll be back," I said to Caitlin, walking out of the row and across to the other side. It was the break between the 90-minute mark and extra time.
As I walked up to Ingrid and Eva, they both looked nervous, but not bad.
"Hey," I said to them both, smiling. I wanted to lean in for a hug, but something reminded me in my head that that wasn't the smartest of ideas.
"Oh my god, hey," Eva said, looking up at me. "Sit, sit." She gestured to the free seat, but I shook my head.
"No, it's alright. I'm over there with Jen, and Caitlin and stuff. I just wanted to come over. I'm glad you made it back for the Euros."
"Well, wasn't that useful for either of us," she laughed.
"Yeah, I saw the game. Weird starting combination..." I said, half asking and half making a statement.
"Somethings going to change," Ingrid soon added. "Just not sure what yet." I nodded my head, and the players soon got back onto the pitch.
"Well, I'll see you two around," I said, touching Ingrid's shoulder before heading back over.
Extra time had everything, but when Georgia Stanway scored her wonder goal, England had done it. They had made the semi-finals, in their home country. Leah had done it. I was so proud of her, but I could hardly focus on that pride.
I went down to the barrier, but Leah couldn't come any closer. I waved to her, but she couldn't give me a hug. Instead, a sweet smile was all I could be offered, and maybe that was okay. Maybe if she did come any closer, the regret that pierced my stomach would become overwhelming. Who knows.
As Lia and I walked out, with Jordan, Jen, and Caitlin in front of us, she turned to me.
"You and Leah alright?" she asked. I was caught off when she said this, unsure why that thought would cross her head. I thought everything would seem fine.
"Yeah..." I said, trying to sound convincing but knowing I was doing a shit job at it.
"Just- you looked a little stressed," Lia said.
"No stress," I replied.
"Okay, well, I hope that's true." She put an arm around my shoulder, and we soon got into the car. I fell asleep on Caitlin's shoulder and as we arrived back in London, I crashed in Caitlin and Lia's apartment, not wanting to have to make my way back to my own.
That night, I tried replaying the previous evening in my head. I was trying to work out what had happened. I needed to know; I couldn't live in the dark.
Tippah: ellie... i need to know.
Ellie: can we not?
Tippah: what the fuck happened ell
Ellie: nothing, i swear
Tippah: then why didn't you just say that?
Ellie: um
Tippah: ur confusing me
Ellie: because maybe I wish something did...
Double shit.
note:
- lol, i always seem to do this: make a story about leah but then it turn into a leah vs another character fight... I'm not even sure why or how
- anyways, what r we thinking?
- also, question, do u lot prefer when i make up scorelines like i did in the indi harrison series or like use the real life score lines? what r ur thoughts?