No'ng dumating ang birthday ni Graham, tuwang-tuwa siya sa regalo ko. I bought him colored markers para hindi lang tsaa 'yong ibigay ko. Parang ang simple kasi if 'yon lang.
"Happy birthday, bubby." Graham was looking at the different teas I had picked out for him.
"Thank you," aniya. I beamed at him, tuwang-tuwa siya ro'n sa mga tsaa.
Ang cute niya!
I couldn't help myself. I bit his shoulder again. It was the second time I had done that.
"Aw!" he groaned, "dayang, ano ba 'yan? Ba't ka nangangagat bigla-bigla?" natatawa niyang sabi habang hinahaplos ang balikat.
"Gigil," nakangiti kong sagot.
We were in Lara's house right now, mayro'ng faculty meeting ang professors, kaya walang pasok ngayong hapon. Si Graham naman ay talaga pupuntahan ako dahil may event lang daw sa school niya, hindi naman required pumunta. Sumabay na siya sa 'min ni Lara papuntang Magallanes.
Lara was busy with her Bio guy. He came with us, apparently ilang beses na pala siyang nakapunta rito. His name was Danilo.
I glanced at my friend and saw that she was explaining something to Danilo while typing on her computer. Danilo was... I think whipped for her. He was a cute little guy. Mas maliit siya ng kaunti kay Graham, pero ang height difference nila ni Lara ay kapareho ng amin ni Graham.
When Lara noticed me, she raised her brow. Then, she included me in their conversation. All of us talked until it was time to study again.
The following week, I had finals for a few subjects. 'Yong iba, next week pa.
"How do you think you did?" Franko asked me after our Econ exam. "Don't ask me, please." I washed my face using my hands.
Sobrang hirap no'ng test. Nakalilito 'yong graphs, tapos 'yong inflation problems... Ayaw ko na lang alalahanin. Basta I know I studied and applied what I know on the exam. I don't want to think about it for now. May isa pa akong exam, Math.
Hindi oras ng klase ko ang mga exam dahil pinagtugma-tugma ng mga prof ang free time ng lahat para maiwasan ang cheating. So, everyone who had Math this sem was going to take the exam on the same day and time.
Kabado ako para don dahil sa isang topic—logic. No'ng midterms kasi, 'yon ang part na may mga mali-mali ako. Sobrang nakalilito 'yong sentences. 'Yong negations pa. That's why nagpaturo ako sa mga kaibigan ko pati kay Graham dahil ayaw kong maging kalahati lang ang score ko. Kahit na maayos naman ang scores ko sa midterm at quizzes, I still want to have a good grade for finals.
While waiting for my professor and other classmates inside the exam room for Math, I opened my phone. I read Graham's message.
Bubby: good luck, dayang, 'wag ka na mag-review, baka malito ka pa.
Bubby: just relax your mind.
Nagtipa ako at nag-send ng reply.
Dayang: why are u chatting? no class?
I didn't get to see his reply anymore because the teacher came and gave us our tests. We had an hour and thirty minutes to finish the 70-item exam.
Habang nagsasagot kami ay nasa table lang ang prof, she was using her phone and occasionally glancing at us. I looked at my watch when an hour passed. I had 20 items pa, mabuti na lang at inuna ko 'yong mahihirap dahil ang natira ay kaya ko ng i-clutch.
"You guys have 15 minutes left, mag-double check na kayo." Deklara ng professor no'ng nagsasagot ako ng last item ko na blanko.
At, nablanko rin ang utak ko.
Pinagmasdan ko ang huling question na kailangan kong sagutin, umaasang iluluwa sa akin ng utak ko ang sagot.
3. What is another term for The Parallel Postulate?
__________ _____
Relax. I have time. I have time. Besides, it's just one number. I can finish this on time.
My confidence wore out during the last minute of the exam period.
Wala talaga akong maalala. Hindi ko alam kung nabasa ko ba 'to at nalimutan ko lang o hindi talaga sa dami ng kailangan i-review. Either way, I was in a state of helplessness already. Hinayaan ko na lang kahit na kating-kati na 'yong mga daliri at kamay ko na gumalaw para makapagsulat.
"Time's up, everyone give me your papers," students stood up and handed in their tests. I let out a sigh of regret before giving the professor my paper.
"Pikit ka nang pikit no'ng patapos na 'yong exam, nagdadasal ka ba kanina, Eloise?" some classmates of mine laughed because of what the professor said.
"No, Ma'am, I was... trying to think of an answer for a question I was having a hard time answering." Tumango ang teacher at lumabas na ako.
Lara was waiting for me outside GAB. She was sitting on one of the tables surrounding the Oble. We were going to eat dinner together. Franko and William were having their Bio finals right now, kaya hindi makasasabay.
Well, I don't know if William was actually going to eat with me if he could. He's been avoiding me.
"Hey, where do you want to eat?" Lara looked at me and, for a moment, I thought she was pranking me with the look on her face.
Her lips were closed, her forehead slightly crunching, and her eyes were scared.
"What?" I asked.
"Graham's mother went to our house, asking for money. Tumawag si Mommy, kaya ko nalaman. Tapos, pinatawagan sa 'kin si Gray to get his mother. Lasing daw si Tita at... nag-eskandalo."
Immediately, I wish I knew how to commute to Graham's house. Siya ang laging pumupunta sa akin. Yet, I don't even know how to go to his house alone.
"Do you know how to go to his house?" umiling ang kaibigan ko. "Of course," I said feeling stupid.
"I can drop you off there, umuwi na raw sila." I nodded at my friend and went with her to her driver. "Pa'no ka uuwi? I can't wait for you, it's my Mom's birthday, I have to get home."
Pagpasok ng kotse, sinagot ko siya. "Tatawagan ko na lang isa sa mga Kuya ko. Ako na bahala, don't worry. Thank you, by the way."
She puts on her seatbelt while I stare at her.
"Lara," my friend hums.
"How come you're close with Graham? He told me before that his family and he doesn't have a smooth sailing relationship with his relatives. So..."
Lara looked in front before answering.
"Because I don't share my parents' feelings towards him. Ang tingin nila sa kaniya, gagaya lang sa ginawa ng nanay niya o sa Kuya niya—tingin ko hindi. So, even if we weren't always together growing up because my parents refused to let them visit us, Graham and I grew close. Nag-uusap lang kami palagi sa internet no'ng high school hanggang ngayon. Sa lahat ng pinsan ko, siya, actually, ang pinakamalapit sa akin."
"That's... nice. It's a good thing you were there while he was young." Lara smiled at me. "He was a sweet boy when we were younger. When his brother died, I think that's when he changed."
"It hit him hard, losing his brother." Lara sighed. "I only got to talk to him once before he died, kuya Jaice." That was Graham's brother, he told me the name already.
"During a family reunion, when Graham's mother could still hold her alcohol, kuya Jaice gave me money to buy ice cream. Hindi kasi ako pinayagan nina Mommy no'n na bumili ng dirty ice cream, then the image I had of him became kind after that. Dahil sa ice cream. Tapos, no'ng lumaki ako, nalaman ko na lang na nakulong siya at namatay."
I wish I could've met him.
I wish I could've met the person who first loved my boyfriend.
Thinking about Graham growing up without a father and mother beside him was difficult. Para bang walang nagturo sa kaniya ng tama sa mali. Para bang walang nagturo sa kaniya na rumespeto ng iba. Para bang may kulang.
Ang kapatid niya ang nagpunan no'n.
Why do children often have to adjust?
God, I was... tearing up.
"Hoy, ba't ka umiiyak?" gulat na sabi ni Lara nang makita niya ang mga luha ko. "I'm just worried."
Lara gave me a tissue. I wiped my tears with it. "Wala na siyang kapatid, I just... I can't imagine how much pain he's been carrying."
Hinagod ni Lara ang braso ko. "Don't. Huwag kang mag-alala ro'n, hindi 'yon bumibigay. You being here, is already a relief for him. 'Tsaka, sanay na 'yon. You, my friend, are just not used to it. He'll be fine."
Habang nagbibiyahe, naalala ko na ang huling beses na naluha ako ay no'ng inisulto niya ako. That had a been a while. Plus, no other person apart from my family had made me cry. Graham was the first.
As a kid, I was usually just the quiet girl while my friends dragged me to do things. I liked to read too, but not to the point that I'd call myself a bookworm. Napansin lang ni Daddy dati na nagbabasa ako, kaya siguro inakala niyang bookworm ako. Pero hindi naman ako palaging may hawak ng libro. Apart from that, I didn't have any hobbies. I'd say my life was simple. Only a few things made me cry, and it would usually be if my parents scold me or I failed an exam.
I placed my palm on my heart. Feeling the rhythm. Silently praying Graham was fine, his mother too.
"Ingat ka pauwi," Lara said before I waved and faced the house.
There were people walking past me because the house of Graham was in front of a road. May mga tricycle rin na dumaraan.
I dialed Graham's number.
Pagsagot niya, may narinig ako na nag-honk. Nasa labas yata siya.
"El, hey, you done with finals?"
With that gentle voice, you wouldn't think he took his drunkard mother home just moments ago.
"Yeah, I... I'm in front of your house. Are you outside?"
"Ba't ka nasa amin? Teka, pauwi na ako, bumili lang ako ng ulam. Pasok ka na muna sa bahay."
"Huh? But isn't this locked?"
He didn't reply, realizing I was right.
"I'll just wait out here for you, bub. Sabi mo malapit ka naman na, e, I'll wait."
"Oo nga pala... Sige, bibilisan ko na, wait lang, ha."
"Okay, ingat ka."
He turned off the call and I faced the front. There were a bunch of kids on their bicycles staring at me. When our eyes met, they quickly biked away. Tumitig lang ako sa mga dumaraang tao at tricycle o bike hanggang sa dumating si Graham.
He was wearing casual shorts and a printed shirt, holding the food he bought.
Hindi na nga pala ako nakakain kasama si Lara. Nawala na sa isipan ko.
"Kanina ka pa ba? Dapat sinabi mo na pupunta ka," aniya habang binubuksan ang pinto. "It was sudden, so hindi ko na nasabi sa 'yo."
"Bakit ka nandito?" I slowly entered his... home.
Electric wires were in between the walls and ceiling. May mga web na sa corners ng bahay. Two dark-colored cabinets were on the right side of the house from the door, and there was a dirty-looking couch on my right. Nasa side siya ng bintana nilang basag na at tinakpan na lang ng isang lumang tarpaulin.
The cabinets seemed to have... dust. Hindi pala 'yon ang orihinal na kulay.
The table with three chairs looked like it was where Graham eats. The sink and kitchen area was in the far left area, near the table and chairs.
"Where do you do your plates?" was the first thing I said while we sat down on the couch.
"Sa kuwarto ko, may la mesa ako ro'n na luma. Nagpaplano na akong bumili ng drafting table, kaso medyo mahal."
I nodded and put my bag on the floor.
"So, why are you here?" tanong niya muli nang magkatinginan na kami.
I looked at his scarred hands and held them before speaking.
"Sabi ni Lara, sinundo mo ang nanay mo kasi nag-eskandalo raw siya sa bahay ni Lara. I wanted to see you after knowing that, so Lara brought me here. Nag-alala kasi ako sa 'yo."
Pagtingin ko sa kaniya, nakatitig na siya sa aming mga kamay rin.
"Nagalit sa 'kin sina Tito at Tita," kuwento niya, "sabi patinuin ko na raw si Mama, kundi sa susunod na gawin ni Mama ang ginawa niyang pagpunta ro'n, ipapadampot na raw sa pulis."
I pulled him, and he rested his head on my shoulder.
"Kumusta 'yong exam mo sa Math?" two of his hands caressed my right hand. "It was okay. Then, what happened? How is your mother? Tulog na ba si Tita?"
A few seconds pass and I notice the two doors near us, I was sure one of those led to Graham's room and his mother's.
Sa'n kaya natutulog ang Kuya niya noon? Dito sa sopa?
"Nagalit din sa 'kin. Umalis, hindi ko alam kung saan na naman siya nagpunta. Bukas na uuwi 'yon." I kissed his head.
"I'm sorry," anas ko habang pumupulupot ang mga braso niya sa aking baywang. "Pa'no ka uuwi?"
"Papasundo ako, don't worry." I moved my hand back and caressed his shoulder and back now. He hugged me.
"Gray," he didn't respond, "sabi ni Lara, sanay ka na, kaya dapat daw hindi na ako mag-alala. Pero hindi ko mapigilan. You know, I cried thinking about what happened to you. So, I know what you're feeling is heavier. If you want to cry, you should. And, just because you're used to this doesn't mean it doesn't hurt anymore."
I put my other hand on his arm which was pulling me closer as if there was still space between us.
"Gray."
"Hindi na ako umiiyak sa ganito. Tama si Lara, sanay na ako. Tama ka rin, masakit pa rin. Pero... siguro kaya hindi na ako umiiyak kahit masakit pa rin kasi kahit naman umiyak ako, walang mangyayari."
If it was possible to feel your heart breaking, I would say this moment, I felt it.
He was hopeless.
How much should a person experience pain to end up this way? My mind told me a ton, a whole lot.
"Gray," tawag ko sa kaniya muli.
He held his head up and stared at me. Walang bahid ng lungkot sa mukha niya. This looked... so, so sad. He had become indifferent to his own life. But he cared for others so much, so much that he rallies.
Kinarinyo ko ang mukha niya at hinila para mahalikan ang noo.
"Ayaw mo ba talagang umiyak?" tanong ko nang yapusin niya ako muli. Ang ulo niya'y nasa balikat ko na.
"Wala na, e, hindi na ako lalabasan ng luha kay Mama," sagot niya. "Ang weird ba? Hindi ako umiiyak? Mahal ko naman si Mama, e, mahal ko pa rin naman siya." He said as if he needed to convince me.
"No, it's not weird. I think it's just a result of what you've been through," he hummed and let me go. "You not crying over this doesn't mean you don't love her, Gray," I assured him. "Iniisip ko lang na baka nagpipigil ka ng luha."
Tumayo siya at hinila ako sa la mesa.
"Kumain ka na ba?" umiling ako. "Kumakain ka ba ng isaw?"
"Kumakain naman, pero hindi bilang ulam. Don't worry about me, I can eat at home."
"Gusto mo ng barbecue? Mayro'n sa labas."
"Sige, bili ako."
"Ako na, dito ka na lang"
He kissed my cheek and went out holding his wallet.
When he came back, nagsandok siya ng kanin para sa 'kin. Then, he took the barbecue from the stick and put it on my plate.
"Eat na," I urged him habang nilalagyan niya ng tubig ang baso ko.
As we ate, I asked him about the class he left to get his mom.
"PE lang naman 'yon, magagawan ko ng paraan," katuwiran niya. "Ikaw, 'yong finals mo? Kumusta?"
"Bub, alam mo nakalimutan ko 'yong isang item. Like, I answered everything, and I had confidence in my answers. Tapos, 'yong last item na 'yon, ang tagal kong inisip. Ang tagal! Tapos, hindi ko pa rin nasagot."
He chuckled. "Ano ba 'yon?"
"Other term daw ng Parallel Postulate."
"'Yong Playfair's Axiom?"
Nanlaki ang mga mata ko.
"Ayon! I forgot," I pouted.
"It's okay, sabi mo naman, you answered the rest correctly. Don't dwell on it anymore, malulungkot ka lang."
I drank water and waited for him to finish. Pagkatapos niya ay tinitigan niya ako, kaya nginitian ko siya.
"So, when will I get my kiss?"
Lumawak ang ngiti ko.
"When do you want to get it?"
His eyes lowered until it was on my lips.
"How about now?"
I bit my lip and felt the fire of excitement light up in my mind.
I stood up, and he moved sideways. I stepped between his thighs that were apart.
Lowering my face until our faces were just an inch apart, I grinned at him. "Pogi mo, bub."
"Kiss if totoo," I laughed and proved my words right.