"Hey Iz," George cooed, smiling down at his younger sister. She looked up with big, doll-like eyes and broke into a grin. The tiny girl didn't say anything when she reached her hands up to be lifted into his arms. He followed her silent command and cradled her lightly.
"Right well now that I've got this cheeky miss of my hands I can go and take a well-deserved shower before we go out." Josephine said with her hands on her hips and panting slightly at the weight of the shopping bags. "Cassie, how are you my sweet?"
"I'm good thank you, Josephine." I replied, dragging my eyes away from Isabelle and George having a silent conversation with gentle hand gestures. "Do you mind if I stay tonight?"
It was a stupid thing to ask since this house was now practically my second home but I always worried that she thought of me as a burden and I liked to be polite.
She rolled her eyes. "Cassie, you don't need to ask. You are always welcome here."
Nodding with a smile in reply, I awkwardly stood with my fingers fumbling with each other and my ankles crossing and uncrossing.
"Well, I'd better go and jump in the shower before my wife does because otherwise we'll miss our reservation." Christopher joked, nudging his wife with a cheeky smirk before sprinting away from the kitchen and up the staircase hanging above us.
"Oi you! I just said I was going first!" Josephine shouted back and also ran off in the direction of the second floor, a determined grin on her face as she tried to catch up with her husband.
"They are like children." George tutted under his breath, shaking his head.
"I don't understand why they have an open marriage."
"Well, because they live so far away from each other, even if they see each other for two days a fortnight, it's easier to get rid of those... urges without any consequences." He explained.
"So basically they have an open marriage because they're horny all the time." I said, laughing. "Huh, so kinda like you then?"
He poked my side with the other hand he wasn't using to hold Isabelle up. "Hey, I'm not horny all the time. Only when I'm with you. And for the record, even if we lived seas apart I'd never cheat on you, however horny I may be." George said seriously, pushing slightly on my back so I could move forwards. "Here, hold her."
Before I could so much as take another breath Isabelle was gently placed in my arms, her tiny frame resting on my chest. She was awake, her eyes large and studying the new face, but there was a glassiness to them that told me she was exhausted.
"How did this happen?" I asked quietly. I wondered whether it would be okay to run my fingertip down the length of the long scar set into her cheek, growing up to the edge of her eyebrow like a protruding, unwanted vine.
"A dog came and attacked her when she was a year old. The doctors say that they were surprised she survived since she was so young. It bit her face, almost took out a part of her jaw and fucked up her eye," He crouched down a little just so he could be level with me and looked over my shoulder at the toddler. "See how it's black? Well it was blue like the other, but that dog's bite got into her eye and now she has this huge dilated pupil that's sort of leaking out over what was a blue iris."
"She's still so beautiful." I whispered, ogling at the flow of soft, bronze hair - almost the same as her father's only browner - that toppled down her back in loose waves and the heart shape of her face. Even though the traumatized eye was being tugged down slightly by the deep scar engraved into her face she was still magnificent. Kind of like a cracked doll.
"I know." He breathed, leaning over and brushing her cheek with the back of his knuckles. "She's tired I can see, we'll put her to bed once my parents have left."
I nodded and allowed him to take the girl from my arms. She was quiet and very calm, her large eyes studying my every move - kind of like George. I didn't know what I expected her to be like but it wasn't like this. All the young children I knew always cried or smelled like vomit but Isabelle was almost patient, and smelled like meadow flowers. In fact she was so chilled it was strange to think she was two years old at all.
"She likes you." George said quietly, leading me to the lounge area and settling himself down on the sofa. He sat with his back against the arm and his legs bent up so he could rest his little sister on his lap with her head against his thighs. Perching on the other side, I was entranced by the picture of the two incredibly beautiful human beings next to me.
"Look, she can't take her eyes off you." He continued when I didn't answer. It was true, she was watching me, a peaceful, lazy smile on her full lips. I'd seen that smile on George before; it was my favourite. "She loves girls. Boys, not so much. My Dad and I are the only males she can look at without crying and scrambling away." He laughed under his breath as if reminiscing a private joke. "She's a true girl. She loves pretty things. You're pretty, so she automatically loves you."
"She loves you." I said quietly.
George looked away from me and beamed down at his sister. "I know. She can't talk yet, but we're very close. I tell her all my deepest secrets, even if she can't always understand them."
For the next hour it took for Christopher and Josephine to get ready before they went out for dinner, I sat and dreamily watched George and Isabelle. They didn't really do much, Isabelle remained her calm self and let her large, wide eyes wander the room but smiled when her brother lifted her up or cradled her close. I was certain she was minutes away from falling asleep, her lids dropping languidly and her weight heavy. George let me hold her again for a short while, when she was at the stage of half-sleeping. She wasn't very heavy in my arms, her heart shaped face falling tiredly against me. I rocked her very lightly, and stared for a long while at her. It was mesmerizing. Watching this tiny girl half-sleep, her chest moving heavily up and down and her lips parted in a perfect O, was simply fascinating. Maybe I should watch George sleep.
Cassie, what a creep.
When we'd said goodbye to Mr and Mrs Lassalle and they hurried out of the door, we took her upstairs and settled her into bed. After we sat for a while to make sure she fell asleep okay and then headed to his room.
Once we'd both showered and clothed in sweats, we snuggled down into his bed and watched The Pirates of the Caribbean. George was intent on making me watch almost every single one of Johnny Depp's movies even if I'd already seen them so we watched the first and the second one.
By the time both films were over it was about midnight and I was two seconds away from drifting off into the black hole that was sleep. Although I could feel George trying to make me comfy by repositioning himself and I with pillows and the duvet so I could fall asleep, at the same time I could feel his eyes on me, like he wanted to keep me awake.
I lay on his chest with his hand tucking bits of hair around my ear and stroking and twirling the long locks between his fingers.
"George, tell me." I said.
"What do you want me to tell you?" He asked, his husky voice vibrating against my head from his chest.
"I know you want to talk to me about something. I just know." I whispered, and turned around to look at him. Lying with my elbows propping up my head, I brushed a few pieces of his fallen chocolate hair from out of his eyes. He reached up to grip my wrist and kept it placed on his head.
"I just... I just was thinking about that guy, Dan was it? And I understand about how you acted and stuff but..." He trailed off, hurt morphing on his features and a frown on his lips. "How many different guys have you slept with Cassie?"
I looked down sadly. So this is what he wanted to talk about. "Too many to count."
He sighed heavily and let his head flop back in the nest of pillows.
"Hey," I said softly, sitting up so I was straddling him. He refused to look at me, his head tilted to the side. I didn't feel judged, I knew he wasn't judging me, he was just upset. "I can't change what I did. I had to do that stuff, I had to, because otherwise I might just pass out every time anyone ever touched me. I didn't want to be afraid of intimacy, I just wanted to feel in control."
Finally, George turned his head back around to watch me, his sapphire eyes that I now knew Isabelle inherited too boaring into mine.
"I know, baby." He whispered. "I'm sorry, it's just that... never mind. You're with me now. That's all that matters." He rested his hands on my bare thighs and ran the tips of his fingers in circular motions on my skin.
Then, he brought his hand to the small of my back and pulled me down towards him. I literally fell against his lips, that warm feeling inside circulating through my body as his warm lips caressed and locked with mine.
"My dad really likes you." He said, once his pulled his lips away from mine and rested them on my cheek instead.
"He hardly knows me."
George angled my head back so our eyes could meet. "Well I know you. And he knows me. And he knows that I have good judgement, and I've judged you well so he really likes you. Plus, you make me happy so that makes him happy."
I bit my lip. "I make you happy? I would have thought with all this crying and throwing up and depression that I'd just make you blue."
He forked his fingers through that sensitive patch of hair at my nape, shaking his head. "Not at all. It gives me a purpose, someone to look after, to make happy. I like making you happy. It probably sounds selfish but I like being the reason that you are happy."
I laughed a little. "I don't think I've felt like this in a while."
"What do you feel like?"
I sighed, dropping my face in the dip of his shoulder and neck. "Safe. Warm. It feels like being wrapped up in a warm blanket, except that warm blanket can talk and is completely beautiful and enchanting and amazing."
He didn't make some cheeky remark about my compliment, he only stared. It was the first time I'd ever said anything like that to him.
Oh God. Too fast, too fast.
My heart was now hammering, in my rib cage and my breathing erratic. Shutting my eyes didn't work, so instead I curled up a little against him. Why was I getting so worked up about this?
That feeling. It was there, in my chest, in my head, in my limbs, everywhere and I wasn't even kissing him.
"Shh," He cooed, wrapping his strong arms around me. "It's okay. Breathe slowly, baby."
Baby. Oh God. That just made things worse.
"Just listen to my heart beating and try to match the speed, Cassie." He said. "That's it. Good, now breathe in through the nose, out through the mouth."
I did as I was told, feverishly gripping on to his shoulders. If he'd been wearing a t-shirt, it would have been that that would have been a victim to my tight grip.
Once I was finally able to pull out of that frantic state, I swallowed loudly and slumped back in the bed, tugging the duvet tight around me.
"Just go to sleep now." He whispered and gently slung his arm around my shoulders and settled himself comfortably around me.
Obeying, I nodded and sealed my eyes shut concentrating on his warmth and his breath instead of that magical feeling that was sending wild thoughts spinning through my head.
"Je t'aime tellement Cassie, vous ne savez même pas."
Then I fell asleep to the sound of his heart.
*
"So... can she come over?" Harry asked me, staring up with puppy eyes that I was strong enough to resist. Cheeky devil.
"H, I just don't understand. I thought things between you two were... iffy?" I replied, utterly baffled by his question.
"Yeah well things changed." He shrugged, although his stance remained rigid.
"Quickly."
My brother looked up at me with a frown.
"Cassie!" He whined but I rolled my eyes at his childish behaviour. "Come on, please can she come. We never have anyone come round to our house because Mum isn't here and we never ask because we know it will bother you. And since you've been so moody recently, and distant I haven't been able to talk to you about her."
Ouch. Punch to the gut.
He was right. I'd been avoiding my family since Christmas Day - for obvious reasons - but it wasn't just them. The tormenting nightmares, flashbacks and weird panic attacks that caused me to pass out all the time meant I couldn't feel comfortable or be my 'usual chirpy self' around anyone other than George. That meant I also hardly saw or spoke to my friends. Thankfully, they seemed to understand my mental absence and left me to be by myself. At break and lunch I'd either eat in the toilet cubicle of a bathroom (which isn't as disgusting as it sounds) or with George, somewhere where no one could see us together.
"I haven't been moody." I defended though I knew I was just kidding myself. Moody wasn't quite the word I'd use to describe my mental and physical state for the past three weeks. Depressed. That was a better fit.
"Cassie, you don't eat with us, you're always in your room with George or at his house and you don't speak to anyone but him. Seriously, what's wrong with you? I just don't understand. Is it because we found Anna and now she eats meals with us because if that's stopping family dinner then you just tell her to go back upstairs. Abi and I can sort out her meals for you. I promise I'll make sure she's eats and takes her medicine."
Just poison her. Quickly, I shook the venomous thought out of my head before I said it out loud.
"I'm just not feeling too good. It's not Anna, okay? I just... I need some time to recover. George helps me, he makes me feel better." Usually, well before Josh forced himself on me, I would never, ever, say anything like that. Instead I'd say 'oh, it's period pains' and add a huge smile. Now, I just toned down the truth. I never used to say the truth.
It's George. He's peeling off my mask without even using his hands.
My brother wrinkled his nose. "That sounds kinky." I didn't laugh. "What do you mean 'recover'?"
Cassie, you slipped up!
"Josh's Christmas Eve party. Something happened, something bad, and it's not making me feel very well." I said softly, realising I should probably be nicer to Harry when all he was doing was trying to help.
He sighed deeply. "Okay, well Melanie can be dropped off and picked up here by her mum and I know you won't eat with us so can you just say hello to her and her mum before so she knows there's and adult."
Be nice. Come on, you've been such a grouchy bitch.
"That sounds good. Is Abi alright with Melanie coming?" I caved in, flopping to the lounge sofa in a pile of flaccid limbs.
"Of course." He was just about to whizz around the corner when he stopped. "By the way... what do you mean 'not very well'?"
Rape made me not very well. It gave me depression and a bad case of the grumps.
"I mean that I feel down, but it's okay. George makes me smile and distracts me so I can't think about that bad night." I explained, watching with alert eyes the immaculate spikes of his hair perfectly styled to impress. Impress his girl. Or girl to be. I wasn't quite sure, but I wasn't in the mood to ask and be a good big sister and the fantastic listener I usually was.
"The nightmares came back didn't they? I heard you screaming a few times, but then I bought ear plugs."
I almost stifled a laugh. Almost.
"They're back, and I think that's a great idea."
*
George wasn't coming over tonight. It was a Saturday, and he had something on. Although unlike him, he didn't specify what. Usually, George told me most things - everything - but after three attempts of asking, I still didn't know what he was doing tonight. Just that he couldn't sleep with me.
I could order pizza, like I always did even when George was here, but I never ate much since my appetite was practically non-existent so I decided after doing all my homework and introducing myself to Melanie I'd go downstairs and grab a piece of toast.
Melanie was an interesting beauty consisting of dark brown skin, unblemished and satiny, jet black hair in thick waves and a dusting of freckles. I never thought I'd see a black person with freckles but they were light, gingery and identical to the sprinkling on her mother's nose.
She was a sweet girl, and I could see why Harry liked her. Exotic facial features and plenty of fascinating things to say in that soft, low voice of hers; even I was enchanted.
Padding down the stairs at the pace of a snail, I peeped around the lounge door to find it surprisingly empty. It was half past eight, surely by now they would have finished eating. Maybe they'd gone upstairs. Oh God. I probably should have told them to keep the doors open, though I doubted they'd have sex. After all they were only fourteen. But when I was fourteen...
Don't think about it. Keep calm.
His arms. His scent. His warmth. Breathe in. Breathe out.
I was getting so much better at controlling the visions now, simply by imagining George beside me and his steady beating heart. The method worked wonders on my sensitive mind.
After controlling my thoughts, I carried on and headed towards the kitchen to prepare myself some dinner. If I didn't eat something I'd faint again. Last time that happened George was not impressed.
What I didn't expect was to see four people seated around the large dinner table in light conversation. Harry, Melanie, Abi and Anna.
From the laughing looks on their faces, they hadn't noticed me slip around to the kettle so I could make myself a cup of tea or even the pop of the toaster as the bread flew up from the hot wire grids and landed neatly on my plate. Nor did they hear me as I spread sweet blackberry jam against the scratchy surface of toasty bread or catch the sounds of my knife lathering on butter. All four people did not notice my small, sheepish bites I took which almost caused me to gag. It wasn't that I didn't like food, I just was as far from hungry as you could get.
So, upset, I slinked out of the room without taking a second glance back at the four people who were obviously in a great, hilarious conversation that I would never fit in.
I'd never felt like this before. Was it jealously? Maybe. Against Anna perhaps, for forming a bond with my twin siblings and my brother's friend whom I'd only just met. It wasn't fair. But then again I practically brought this upon myself for being so distant. Not to mention how the thought of spending an hour eating food in the same room as that bitch caused me to recoil away from the area like it had a bold electric charge.
I should have just gone to bed with an empty stomach. It wouldn't have me feel nauseous like now.
"Oh hey Cass, you came down. Why don't you come and sit with us? Its pudding time and H made banoffee pie."
Abi.
Turning around listlessly, I forced a huge smile onto my lips to set a good impression for Melanie and walked over to the table.
Should I stay or should I go?
I could mooch off like I have done for the past three weeks or I could stay and interact with my family. Maybe that will help me. Maybe I could earn their trust back so they could tell me about their lives like they used to.
"Okay." I said quietly and took my place next to Abi.
As soon as I sat down, they all resumed their conversation and I tried to tune in but it was difficult when I had no idea what they were talking about. So I painfully swallowed bite after bite of sickly sweet, soggy toast and added the occasional smile and nod when necessary.
"So how come I haven't heard of you before Cassie. I never even knew Harry had a sister, which is surprising considering how... well known Harry and Abi are."
The mention of my name spoken in Melanie's soft tone snapped me out of my daze. I sleepily gazed around to the curious faces. Harry was pursing his lips. Abi was looking thoughtful. Anna looked challenging.
I sat up straighter and cleared my throat. "Um, well I'm not a fan of attention."
Anna spluttered a laugh and tried to mask it with a raspy cough. Truthfully, I thought it was actually a real cough. Too many fags.
"I'm sorry Anna, do you have a problem with that?" I asked incredulously, raising my brows.
She pursed her lip as if biting back a retort, looking around warily at us all. Then, when she realised we were all waiting for her to speak she met my vision with menacing, moss green eyes and smirked.
"Actually I do. I think that's bullshit." She said mockingly, placing her elbows on the table and resting her head on her palm. "I think you live for attention."
I laughed. "And why is that may I ask?"
"Well, you scream at me every morning on the bus-"
"Because no one else does, and no one actually wants to hear you speak and bully everyone."
"You made a sex tape and carelessly let it fall into my hands-"
Smoke could have been coming out my ears. I swallowed angrily and fisted my hands in a jittery motion. "I never even knew that existed, I was set up and you sent it to everyone for no reason."
"Yet, it still happened and you must have been what... sixteen? What. A. Slut-"
"You're the one who got pregnant!" I half screamed in her direction the red in my neck climbing up my cheeks. I was shaking like a mad woman with rage.
She flinched the tiniest amount so anybody else observing would have missed it when she hid it with a growl. "Then, you fight me. At Milo's back to school party, shouting empty threats and then at the park where you poured vodka all over me. If that isn't looking for attention then what-"
"You fucking did it first!" I yelled and heard a gasp opposite me. Melanie was staring with wide eyes at me and reaching her hand towards Harry's lying on the table.
Silence hung thicl in the air for what felt like years.
"Get out." My brother spat. Hardening his eyes to cold chocolate chips, he ground his teeth.
"Harry... I'm sorry. I didn't mean to swear... I-I just-"
"I said leave!" He cut off my stutters. Holy crap. Where did that come from? More importantly, why was I feeling like he was my parent telling me off?
"H, I'm sorry okay... I didn't mean to shout-"
"Just leave, Cass." Abi said softly beside me. I looked betrayed at my sister, but I stayed stuck to my seat.
"You heard what they said. Scram." It was Anna now. What a bitch. This was her fault.
"Don't tell me what to do." I snapped but standing up nonetheless.
"You're only making things worse, Cassie." She added, absentmindedly picking at her nails. "I mean Melanie obviously hates you now with the impression you've given. You might as well just leave now before you dig yourself into a deeper hole."
"Why are picking fights with me Anna?" I questioned irritably. "You know what I can do, and in the situation you're in and the time passing by you need me more than you know."
She leaned back and on reflex cupped her bulging stomach, a sneer on her violet lips. Everything about her was biting into my patience. Why did she wear so much makeup? There must have been five tablespoon of foundation caked on her face and the sharpie eyebrow look as usual was incredibly unflattering. Did she think she looked pretty like that? And her lipstick - Oh goodness - how could she even go out like that? It was such an ugly colour on her complexion, quite frankly green would have looked better.
"Because I know, that even if you kick me out of this house and to the curb, these two will come and fetch me."
Bullets to my chest. Betrayal circled my head. My siblings, my blood had turned against me. What worried me the most about that simple phrase Anna said was that I believed it. Why, I wasn't sure, but my gut told me they'd grown close. Closer than with me.
How was that even possible? I'd known the twins since they were born. Sure, after the incident when I was fourteen, when everything changed, I wasn't as open - if at all - but we still had a bond. Why did it feel like I was broken? Why did it feel like I was replaced by a shiny new toy? After everything Anna had done to me, in and outside of school, they chose her.
I watched my sister gulp guiltily and my brother cling onto Melanie's hand reasurringly, nodding to the bitch before me. Even Harry (who hated Anna almost as much as me) chose her.
I'd never felt like this before and it hurt. This is why Cassie Moore doesn't do feelings, or emotions. Even the care I feel for my siblings has been disregarded.
I wanted to curl up in a hole and never resurface.
"Why are you turning them against me?" I choked. Don't be weak. Don't let her get to you.
"Because when you neglected them, we formed a tight bond. Abi and I. Harry and I." She explained, flipping a lock of shitty brown hair behind her shoulder. "I bet you didn't know that Abi has a girlfriend." I sucked in a sharp breath. "Nor do you know that Harry and Melanie have been a couple for almost a month. They first kissed on January the fifth. They've been sneaking around behind your back ever since. He's missed rugby practice to meet her." Gasping again, I glanced around quickly for conformation. Harry swallowed and blushed. "Abi has been faced with four bullying and cyberbullying incidents. No one apart from Harry and Melanie stuck up for her whilst another girl who claimed to have been 'perved on' kicked her. I bet Cassie, that you didn't know her dance teacher gave her all the bad parts of the dance shows and said very nasty, homophobic things to her. It would have carried on if I hadn't gone and spoke to her and convinced her to quit her job because women like her deserve to be strangled."
Shaking my head was making me dizzy but I couldn't stop. Nor could I halt the trembling.
"How did- how did you... I don't understand. You're always in your room." I stuttered, clutching the table with weak steel fingers to steady me.
Anna shrugged with a smirk. "I know how to sneak in and out of a house. Plus, I know the public bus timetable pretty well."
Blurry images were the first signs of tears springing to my eyes. No don't cry. You can't cry. Not in front of her. Using all of my strength, I absorbed the moisture back into my eye sockets and stuck my chin out to show my determination.
"I'm sorry." I whispered, looking between the twins. Shame consumed every nerve, making my cheek tight and the stinging in my eyes more pronounced.
"Please... just get out Cassie." Harry finished and his words stung like iron nails stabbing my sides. Pain. Emotion. Why am I always in pain?
I tugged my brows together in thought. This was Anna's doing. She was turning them against me. The twins would never tell me these things. Right?
Right?
I was beginning to doubt myself.
"I hate you." I snarled at Anna, curling my lip back. "I hate everything you've done to me. Everything. I hate you so, so much Anna cannot comprehend."
She flinched back as if hurt, and sat down.
"This is why they come to me and not you. Cassie, you're just too mean and aggressive."
Was she serious?
I didn't know the answer, but what I was certain of was that I was out of here. Air thickening, throat cramping, tears collecting all because of her. I couldn't take it.
As I abruptly moved to leave, the chair I'd been sitting on fell backwards with a loud, clattering bang causing a frightened squeal to escape Abi's lips.
"Cassie!" She screeched, but I was already gone.
Time passed by in a blur as I sprinted upstairs to find my keys, purse and phone. I had clothes there, it would be fine. Not caring whether he was there or not, I thundered down the two sets of stairs and ran for the front only stopping when someone was blocking my way.
"Leaving again? No wonder they don't confide in you." My enemy sneered, a satisfied smirk completing her sneaky expression.
"Move out of my way." I demanded, slipping my arms through my coat because it was still winter and the night air was freezing.
"Fine, but karma will bite you in the butt. Trust me, I learned from experience."
She slipped out from my view, her irritatingly whiny voice lingering in the hallway. Heat clogged my face, sinking into my pores. I slammed the door open and stormed out into the night.
And only when I was safely seated in my car and pulling into my parking space in George's farm house yard, did I finally let the tears fall.
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