The first thing you notice is a burst of cold air hitting your skin. It isn't hot outside by any means but after that jog with the sun shining overhead, it didn't take much for you to work up a sweat.
The boys seem to all sigh in relief too, the cool contrast soothing their skin, just as much as it does yours.
Then--
It's almost as if all hell breaks loose. Waves of people rush back and forth, SKZ staff members and venue employees alike working fervently to prepare for the coming onslaught.
You freeze for a second, needing a moment to mentally take it all in. The rush you were waiting for...
Here it is.
You aren't given much time to savor it when Chan taps your arm, nodding his head toward where two men stand discussing something a little ways away.
With a wave, Changbin and Han split off, probably going backstage to join the rest of the boys. And you watch as your phone disappears along with them. Quietly, you follow Chan, still shocked at the sights around you but more nervous than anything.
The two of you continue on your path toward the men. Then one of them nods and walks off, leaving you and Chan with the more fashionably dressed of the two, a clipboard held loosely in his hands. Their manager, you're guessing.
You clasp your hands nervously in front of you. Honestly, if you didn't know any better, you wouldn't be surprised if this man was a k-pop idol too. How is everyone here so hot?
You stop a polite distance away and give a light bow as you lock eyes with the man, not knowing what else to do but wanting to be respectful. Warily, he starts to return the bow but Chan practically tackles him in a hug.
"We got it, " he says. The manager pulls his attention from you to focus on Chan, his mood lightening. Chan hands him the flash drive and then steps back to stand next to you. "And this," Chan says as he gestures to you, still smiling brightly despite your palpable nervousness, "this is y/n. We wouldn't have that--or a show to put on for that matter--if it weren't for her."
The manager looks to you again, this time with a little less condemnation. Then he opens the binder he's holding and pulls out a lanyard with a tag saying "Soundcheck/Backstage" attached to it. Much like the one he's wearing. "I'm assuming this is why Changbin texted me saying to find an extra pass?"
Chan laughs heartily, almost doubling over as he takes it all in. "God, I could kiss that man sometimes," he mumbles and you and the manager share a concerned look before turning your attention back to Chan. But Chan simply wipes the tears from his eyes with a nod. "It is."
The manager glances at you again and you know he's trying to gauge what kind of person you are. You stay silent knowing nothing you say can help you nor do you even want to try. Even if you could muster the courage to speak.
Anyone who needs to claim they're a good person or that they won't do anything bad can't be trusted. Your actions should speak for themselves. You shouldn't have to go around reassuring people of your good intentions. So you don't.
Eventually the manager looks at Chan. "Are you sure?"
Chan starts to reach for the lanyard but you open your mouth, stopping him as you address his manager. "You have every right to make me leave if you feel I shouldn't be here, sir." You fiddle with your fingers, trying to rid yourself of the anxiety. "I don't want to cause any grief or cause the boys any trouble. Whatever you think is necessary, it's up to you. I'll understand either way."
You know Chan had meant well, but you also know how many rules he was breaking bringing you here. While it hurts to go over his head and dismiss his well-intentioned offer, you meant what you said.
If being here causes more trouble than it's worth, you're more than happy to simply cherish the lasting memories they've given you and just enjoy the concert tonight knowing things about the boys no other Stay does. It would be more than enough.
You glance at Chan hoping you didn't hurt his feelings but you watch as he simply takes the pass the manager hands to him with a smile that says "yeah manager, I'm sure".
He graces you with that same smile and the knot that had been forming in your stomach uncoils instantly. How Chan does that, you truly don't know but you're thankful for his bright light in your life. Even when it was previously at a distance.
Chan hands the pass off to you and then runs off with a wink. Presumably backstage to finally get ready for the show. Which leaves you with his horribly distracting manager. Part of you feels guilty, almost like you're cheating on the boys by getting flustered because of anyone else, but you can't help it.
The manager extends a hand out to you. "It's a surprise but it's nice to meet you, y/n. I'm Nim." You take his hand and shake it, returning his now comforting smile. He turns to walk and you do the same, assuming you're meant to follow.
"Now," he says, "I have last minute checks to run but I'll drop you off with our other guests. Did the boys explain this is a closed practice?" You nod and he tilts his head. "Did they explain why?"
You shake your head at that and manager Nim smiles but you simply lower your gaze to the floor as you walk. "They only said that it's important I don't talk about, photograph, post, or share whatever I see or hear while I'm here."
You unclasp your crossbody bag, unzip it, and offer it to him. "I don't have my phone with me, but please look through my bag. I don't want to hurt anyone accidentally." You pause for a second. "Honestly, you can take it if you need to, but all I ask is that you let me keep my chapstick. I can't live without that."
You chuckle nervously, trying to stop yourself from rambling.
If you thought Chan was surprised when you gave him your phone, it's nothing compared to the wide-eyed look manager Nim responds with. He blinks at you a few times before shaking himself out of it and smiling at you. A smile that you can tell is absolutely genuine.
"No, you keep it." He leans forward to look through your bag, and you can tell he's doing his best to be respectful but also trying to do his duty and ensure the kids' safety. Not that you mind at all. You know he's just doing his job and you're just happy to know the boys are in good hands.
It takes all but a few seconds before he leans back and bows his head in gratitude. Then he continues walking through the bustling crowd of workers and you follow him until the room opens up to the main arena with rows and rows of seating all surrounding the main stage.
You have to stifle a gasp but you hear manager Nim silently chuckle next to you. It may look drastically different when there aren't thousands of fans filling the seats but it doesn't make it any less awe-inducing.
"I very much appreciate you being so understanding and forthcoming," manager Nim says, pulling your attention back to him.
You simply smile, still taking in the sheer size of the stage and the venue. "Of course, Mister..."
"Please, just Nim." You rub at your neck sheepishly but you nod nonetheless and you both laugh as you finally make it to where what looks like two older men sit in the front row seats by the stage.
"Now," he says and just as you think he's going to leave you to fend for yourself, he walks up to the men and offers a hand to each of them in turn. "We've already met, but I wanted to introduce another guest. She'll be joining you both for the soundcheck if that's okay. Ryan. Hugh. This is y/n."
Your blood nearly runs cold and you're almost sure you've turned as white as a ghost. If either of the men notice, they're too respectful to comment on it as they each offer up a hand to you.
"Pleasure to meet you y/n."
"G'day to ya."
You shake both of their outstretched hands knowing full and well they can feel just how badly you're shaking but you pour every ounce of energy you have into composing yourself. You don't want to embarrass the boys. Or ruin whatever deal or project this soundcheck performance is riding on.
Binnie had been right not to tell you who their guests were ahead of time.
"It's an honor to meet you both," you stutter, bowing to each of them in reflex. "M-Mr. Reynolds. Mr. Jackman."
Ryan snorts and waves a dismissive hand. "Oh God, please. We're just Ryan and Hugh here. And I personally don't want to feel more ancient than I already do. Ya know what though, Hugh here actually could do with some aging. Keep doing it to him."
Jackman punches him on the shoulder but Reynolds simply laughs, though he does rub the spot as if it stings. You have no doubt it did.
Manager Nim touches your shoulder briefly and smiles at all of you. "You three enjoy the show. The boys are almost ready. And I need to get this drive to our techs." With that, he leaves, his finger pressed to his ear and talking to someone you can't see.
Ryan pats the seat beside him. "C'mon join us. Unless you feel like standing the whole time. And in that case, your feet are gonna hate you." He glances down at your high-heeled boots and Hugh does the same out of curiosity.
You paste on a smile despite your nervousness and climb over to take the seat Ryan offered. "They're more comfortable than you think. I did wear them for the concert for a reason."
Ryan raises a brow. "You're going to the concert too?" When you reluctantly nod, he takes a moment to study you. "You're certainly dressed for it. So then, why are you here? From the looks of it, it's as much of a surprise to you as it is to us."
You can't help your nervous laugh. He's not wrong, about any of it. But you lower your gaze, trying your best not to fidget. "It wasn't planned," you admit. "But I don't know how much I'm able to tell you." Biting back your regret, you wave your hands in front of you hoping they don't take offense. "N-not that it's a secret or anything. It's, it's just not my place and I don't want to step on any toes."
"Ah," Ryan bumps your shoulder, grinning like a cat that's caught a mouse between its paws and continues to toy with it. "We're just messing with you kid."
"Speak for yourself Ryan," Hugh huffs. But he smiles much more reassuringly at you and nods to the chair next to him as he crosses his arms and leans back. "Feel free to switch teams when he gets to be too much. And he will."
"Fuck you too, Hugh."
The only acknowledgment Ryan gets is Jackman's smile widening, but he doesn't bother to respond.
You can't help your own grin and you shake your head as you untie your jacket from around your waist and put it on. Despite your nervousness, it's starting to get cold in here. "Well, I see where Chan gets it from."
"Channie?" Ryan gasps. "Where's my baby boo?" He immediately whips his head toward the stage as if looking for Chan's non-existent form.
You burst out laughing, unable to help it. Ryan is just as funny in real life as all the comedies he plays in. And you're not at all surprised. "I guess there's no hiding who your bias is," you remark. "And I bet the rest of the boys are heartbroken."
Ryan just crosses his arms and stares at you. "And you're telling me you don't have a bias? C'mon all you fangirls do."
But you just shake your head. "I'm OT8."
"You're what now?"
"It means I adore them all," you explain with a chuckle. Thankfully your phone is far away where they're unable to confirm the tiny bias you may have plastered on your home screen. Though you meant it when you said you truly do love them all. "And you?" You turn to Hugh.
"I'm partial to Felix and Chan," he admits. "But I like the whole group."
"You darn Australians," Ryan mutters.
He looks like he's about to say something else-something you have a feeling is littered with curses-but the lights in the arena dims and you hear the telltale intro to Maniac as the screens descend.
Your inner fangirl screams as the overwhelming excitement settles around you. But whereas you hold back, Ryan grasps your arm and shakes it, shamelessly squealing like a five year old girl.
But you don't pay him any heed. You keep your attention on the stage, not wanting to miss a single thing.
Their performance is absolutely amazing. Every bit of what you hoped for even though it's just their practice run.
With Ryan and Hugh beside you, you're doing your best not to stare like a stalker but you can't help but drink in every detail. Every part of their performance. Even their outfits, although they seemed to just perform in their sweats and hoodies, but you still loved it.
The three of you watch them cycle through Back Door, Domino, Red Lights (which honestly had you blushing no matter how hard you tried, and had Ryan whistling and pretending to throw cash onto the stage), God's Menu, and Double Knot. Your new personal favorite.
Mostly because Chan winked at you halfway through the song, despite how much Ryan wants to argue the wink was intended for him. Even if it was, your delulu mind will keep pretending it was meant for you.
In the end, the boys did perfectly in your opinion, and you're all the more excited for the full concert tonight. With the last song finished, the boys gather with what looks like a handful of audio techs on stage to try and tweak a few last-minute details.
You aren't quite sure what's supposed to happen next but you stand to stretch your back while the three of you wait. In the meantime, you turn to Ryan and Hugh. "So did you guys enjoy the show?"
They both nod. Although Ryan takes it a step further. "Fuck yeah I did. Red Lights, my number one favorite for sure. The leashes..." he ends his sentence with a mimed "chef's kiss".
"Oh God," you groan. You've always loved Red Lights too but you will never ever admit that. Especially not to Ryan.
"We knew they had good music and theatrics," Hugh adds as he stands, stretching his own back and legs. "I'm excited to see what they come up with for the movie."
Your mind stalls. "The what?"
"The movie," Ryan repeats. "They didn't tell you why we're here?" You shake your head and Ryan squeals again, kicking his legs like a little girl. "We contracted them to make some songs for us for the new Deadpool Wolverine movie."
"Wolverine Deadpool," Hugh corrects but Ryan simply rolls his eyes.
You on the other hand, you rub your temples trying to process what they're telling you and the secrets they're happily leaking to you. "You guys are breaking me. I didn't know there was going to be a new Deadpool movie. Or Wolverine movie," you quickly amend. "Much less one with both of you. And infested with Stray Kids."
"Infested," Ryan snorts and pats you on the shoulder as he stands to join you and Hugh. "I like your choice of words there. Very eloquent."
"Thank you," you say deciding to roll with his sarcasm. "Either way, I look forward to the movie all the more now. The whole Deadpool saga is one of my favorite trilogies. I mean, I even had to write an essay on it for one of my screenwriting classes."
"You write scripts?"
You meet Ryan's eye, feeling a bit embarrassed, but you nod. "A little."
"Ah, don't be modest. If you went to school for it, we all know you have a treasure trove hidden away." He pauses, thinking. Then, "I like you so if your work is anything is like...this," he says as he gestures to all of you, "then you have the makings for a great film."
"I happen to agree." You turn to Hugh and he smiles. "I wouldn't be surprised to see one of your works make a great blockbuster film."
"Ya know what? Why are we even speculating?" Ryan grabs your arms, turning you to him. "Send me some of your pieces and I'll see what I can do."
You gawk. "W-what? Send you my work? Why would you even want to help me?" Ryan shrugs and saunters over to Hugh, throwing an arm around his shoulder. "Why not? As long as you secure me a role in the cast, that is."
"Deal," you say with a chuckle, agreeing to his terms. "But...the boys have my phone backstage and I don't know how to get the scripts to you." When Ryan raises an eyebrow at you, you wave him off. "I didn't trust myself with it."
"We can fix this." Ryan whips out his phone and after a second, he hands it to you. You glance at it to see it pulled up to a blank contact window. "I'll text you the deets and you can let me know when you email some scripts over."
It takes you a second to process what he's saying. To process he's openly giving you his number. Offering to help you accomplish your dream.
Your mind races with so many thoughts you hardly remember your name long enough to type it into his phone along with your number. It takes you a second to fill it all in, but you save the contact and hand the phone back to Ryan.
He takes it and types for a quick second before pocketing it. "Done. Now make sure--"
A loud "psst" echoes through the arena and you all turn to stare at the stage only to find Chris, his mic by his mouth. He waves at the three of you, but then he looks at you and waves you toward him. As if asking you to join him up there.
You turn back to Ryan and Hugh but they usher you forward. "Go," Ryan says. "And don't forget to send me those scripts! I'll be in touch!"
With that, you run to join Chris on stage. All the meanwhile you watch as Ryan blows a kiss to Chan who, in response, clutches his chest and pretends to faint, sinking to the floor.
Still splayed out on the stage unabashedly, he copies Ryan and blows a kiss of his own, which Ryan catches and pretends to put in his pocket.
You see manager Nim intercept Hugh and Ryan as they leave so you refocus your attention to Chan, who's still collapsed in a heap on the floor once you finally make it to him.
"You good Chan?"
He only mumbles and you can tell there isn't a single coherent word he uttered in that sentence. You just offer him a hand to help him up. "I feel that. I mean, who isn't whipped for that man?"
That earns you a hearty laugh, from both Chan and someone else behind you. You turn to see Lee Know who pads up next to you and offers another hand to Chan. Chan grabs hold of you both and you and Lee Know hoist his ragdoll form up together.
Once Chan is on his feet Lee Know extends a hand out to you. "You know who I am, but it's nice to meet you y/n. Chan also briefed us on what happened, so thank you for saving our asses."
"Lee Know," Chan hisses.
Lee Know only shrugs, not caring an ounce about being reprimanded. "What? She's already sworn to secrecy, it's not like she can blab about this either. Ah...the freedom to curse. So sweet."
Chan only rolls his eyes, looking both annoyed and secretly amused.
"I did notice the overall lack of butt-hunting during the practice run performance though," you note.
To which Lee Know simply reaches out a hand and gives Chan's butt a nice big squeeze. "I know my place," is all he says.
Chan bats him away, rubbing his butt with a wince and he shakes his head. "Do you see what you did? What I have to deal with? We almost had one peaceful afternoon. One."
Lee Know offers up a high-five and you take it, despite Chan's deeply offended face as he watches the two of you.
He narrows his eyes at you, though his smile belies his threat. "I will get you back for this later," he promises.
But you just smirk and follow Lee Know away from Chan with a: "Bring it on Christopher."
Lee Know wraps what you guess is supposed to be a reassuring arm around your shoulders. "Bah, don't worry about him. The wolf is all bark and no bite."
And you can tell by Chan's gasp that Lee Know purposely said it just loud enough for him to hear. "Now, I know I'm probably your bias and everyone else isn't as exciting as I am, but who would you like to meet first? Hyunjin or I.N?"
You sweep your arm out as if to grant him full reign. "This is your world, Minho, I'm just living in it. You do whatever you want."
That earns you the most feline grin you've ever seen from him and he squeezes your shoulder. "I like you. Off to see Hyunjin then."
Arm in arm, you both make your way across the stage to where Hyunjin is sitting, all the while, scrolling through his phone while drinking water and dabbing the sweat from his face.
Ethereal as always. No matter what he does, he's just too fine.
"Hyunjin," Lee Know says in greeting. "This is who Chan hyung told us about. Be nice and say hi to y/n."
Turning off his phone and meeting your eye, he gives you one of his classic Hyunjin smiles. A smile any woman would swoon over.
"It's nice to meet you y/n. Did you enjoy the show?"
Before you can respond, you get all but a second to spot Felix before he's pulling you out of Lee Know's arms and crushing you in a tight hug.
You're not tall by any means normally but the heels do make you tower over the boys a bit so you need to lean somewhat to accommodate Felix. Not that you mind in the least, but now you know what it's like to be Hyunjin.
You wrap your arms around Felix, relishing the hug, knowing just how lucky you are to be blessed with one from him. Every Stay daydreams about what it would feel like and now you can 100% confirm it's every bit warm and peaceful and comforting as you all thought.
Very...Felix.
You're embarrassed to say you feel a bit forlorn when he pulls back just as quickly and takes your hand shaking it. "I'm sure you know already, but I'm Felix. And you are?"
"Chan already told us," Lee Know drawls and you bat his arm lightly in retribution.
"I'm y/n," you tell Felix, noticing how he smiles brighter as he watches you defend him. "It's nice to finally meet all of you in person. And to answer your question Hyunjin," you continue, as you sit down to join him on the floor, "I really enjoyed the show. I'm beyond excited to see the real performance tonight."
"Real performance?" Han scoffs as he wanders up, sitting next to Lee Know who joined you on the floor too. "That was a real performance baby. Can't get more real than that."
Hyunjin on the other hand raises a brow at you. "You're coming to the concert tonight too?"
You laugh, trying to still the fluttering in your chest at Han's joking use of the word "baby". But you meet both of their gazes anyway. "It was supposed to only be the concert tonight but Chan invited me here. And, you know what I mean, Han. Dancing at 100%. The speeches. The adoring crowd. The butt-hunting. The whole shebang."
Lee Know smirks beside you and everyone else groans, even Felix, who looks like he's draped himself over Hyunjin like he's comfortable there. Hyunjin doesn't seem to mind either.
"I want the full experience," you amend.
"You try dancing full-out all the time," Han whines. "It's exhausting."
"Oh I know. And I know you guys mostly marked the practice run to conserve your energy for later. I'm just saying, it's one reason I look forward to later."
"You sound like you know what you're talking about," Lee Know notes as he watches you from the corner of his eye. "You dance don't you?"
You're reluctant to admit it, especially when in Danceracha's--plus Han's--presence but you nod anyway, opting for honesty. "Let's see some moves then! We danced," Lee Know points out. "Now it's your turn."
"It's difficult to do without music." You know the excuse won't work but you try to stall him anyway.
Like you thought, Lee Know simply whips out his phone from his pocket. "You know some of our songs?"
You deadpan as you meet his eye. What kind of Stay would you be if you didn't know the dances to their songs?
"Okay, geez. Which one do you want?"
You shrug, accepting your fate. "You choose."
"Ya know, I really like you," Lee Know remarks. And he goes to work scrolling through his phone, a questionable smile on his face.
"One of these days you're gonna regret being so lenient with him." You turn to see Chan join the group you all have formed on the floor, Changbin, I.N, and Seungmin in tow. But you shrug again.
When it comes to the eight of them, you don't think there's anything you could possibly regret.
"Got it. Up and Adam," Lee Know instructs. And you don't dare defy him.
With a sigh, you crawl to your feet, having given up completely on not making a fool of yourself. You know they won't leave you alone until you indulge at least one song. "Please keep in mind I'm wearing heels and I'm not stretched," you remind them.
With one last sigh, you slip off your jacket and bag and toss them to the floor. Felix scoops them up, folding your jacket nicely and placing it on his knee with your bag on top. Lee Know on the other hand turns up the volume and it takes you all but a second to recognize My Pace.
God this is gonna be an exhausting one.
But, you brought it on yourself by letting Lee Know choose. Nonetheless, you center yourself on the stage in front of them and center your mind before jumping in.
You put all of your energy into the moves without pushing yourself too far since you didn't stretch. But thankfully it's just fast-paced--pun intended--and nothing that needs too much flexibility.
The dance comes to you easily, though you feel yourself forget a move or two, but with this being one of their older songs, you surprise even yourself with how much you remember.
You go along with the main moves for the majority, while throwing in some of the standalone moves they each do when they sing their solo part. It feels like an eternity passes but you hit the ending combo before theatrically collapsing in a heap, trying not to gasp for air.
You hardly get a moment to breathe as they all explode into applause, talking over each other to the point where you can barely decipher what any of them are saying.
Some of them stand and hurry over to you while the others simply crawl to your side, but they all seem to agree on one thing: they loved your performance.
"Good God," you hear Seungmin say. "I don't even remember half the dance. I couldn't perform it right now even if I wanted to."
Han hums in agreement and you hear Changbin cackle as he clings to Hyunjin whose jaw seems to have dropped open. He doesn't even react when Changbin closes it for him and that makes Changbin laugh all the more, making him fall to his knees doubled over.
Lee Know simply gives you a nod that feels like him granting you his approval. And Felix walks over to you, offering you a hand up. You take it and he hands you your jacket and bag once you're on your feet again. "That was amazing, y/n. Honestly." He chuckles nervously. "You--"
"For a second, I thought you were one of our backup dancers." You and the boys all turn to see manager Nim climb the stairs of the stage to join you. Felix instantly quiets, as do the rest of the boys. "That was really something," he admits. "And I can almost assure you that none of them remember the dance to My Pace."
You chuckle as you wrap your hair around your hand to keep it from sticking to your sweaty neck. Fanning yourself, you nod to the boys, your smile wide. "They just said as much."
"Well, not all of it," you hear I.N mutter.
Everyone laughs at that and manager Nim checks his watch, this time turning to the boys. "You guys have two and a half hours before the actual show. Go rest. Relax. Eat. Your food is waiting in the green room. We'll finish up preparations out here and we expect you in hair and makeup in an hour and a half."
The boys all groan in anticipation at the sound of the hot meal waiting for them but they nod at manager Nim's commands, and each make their way to the stairs to get backstage.
You hesitate for a second but you watch as Chan turns back, noticing you still standing there and he beckons you forward, telling you to follow.
You risk a glance at manager Nim but he's already turned away and walking the other direction, either not caring if you go with them, or already knowing Chan would bring you along. Either way, you cautiously jog to catch up to Chan as he waits for you, unsure of what else to do.
"I thought I was only here for soundcheck?"
Chan waves his hand dismissively. "After that performance, I think you earned some rest and relaxation too. Are you hungry?"
Your stomach growls almost immediately, as if understanding the question and you smile, abashed. "A little," you fib. "I was actually on my way to grab some food before the concert before....all this happened."
Chan laughs and shoots you an apologetic smile. "In that case, I think I owe you a meal. C'mon."
You follow him down the steps, where, a few doors down you hear fighting. Whether it's playful or true anger, you don't know but you glance at Chan who simply shakes his head.
You're sure he's use to it but you can imagine just how difficult it would be to be in his shoes. "I would also suggest you take your phone back before they break it. They've all been fighting over it like lunatics."
By the sounds of it, you wouldn't be surprised if you were locked out of it from them trying to guess the password too many times. So you nod, mentally reminding yourself to respond to Ryan's text too.
"Noted. And..." You stop Chan with a hand on his arm before you guys can make it to the door the boys' loud voices are echoing from. He turns to you, confused but quiet. "Before I don't get another chance, I just wanted to thank you. For everything," you add. "Stray Kids means a lot to me and you all have gotten me through some dark times. I...I don't know if I'd even be here if it weren't for you."
You barely get a second to see Chan's face fall before he pulls you in for a hug. His arms wrap around your back and shoulders holding you tightly to him. "We're here for you, y/n," he whispers.
His head rests up against yours, his chin on your shoulder where you can feel his breath faintly fan over your skin. He squeezes you tighter. "I...know what it's like, and it hurts to know you felt like that at one point. I'm sorry."
You return the hug, wrapping your own arms around his waist. "It's okay Chan. It's not your fault. But you can take solace in knowing that it's because of you guys I'm still here."
You pull back even though you're reluctant to give up more time in Chan's full embrace. But you keep your hands wrapped around him and he does the same, seemingly not yet ready to let go either, and you meet his gaze.
"I know you don't think that highly of yourself and you always push yourself harder to accomplish more and more things to feel like you've earned the love and attention and fans...but please believe me when I tell you, you deserve much much more than you give yourself credit for. Or even allow yourself to acknowledge.
"You work so hard and give up so much. I know you hardly sleep or take time for yourself, and I'm sure the boys can attest to that, knowing way more than I do about all of it. But I don't need to know everything to know you give up so much of yourself to try and feel worthy of what you've been given.
"But Chan." You search his eyes for a second, smiling softly. "No matter what anyone says, you're all perfect as you are. You are kind. You are thoughtful. You're loyal. You have a heart of gold. You have the most adorable smile and infectious laugh." You see his chin quiver, his eyes turning misty and your heart aches at the sight. But you continue, knowing he needs to hear what you have to say. "You're a lyrical and musical genius. And you're handsome as hell. I mean, have you seen you?"
He responds with a watery laugh but he leans forward, hugging you to him fully again and burying his face in your neck.
Trying to ignore the growing ache in your chest, you bring a hand up to his neck and hold it as you rub circles onto his back with your other hand.
"You shoulder so much Channie. You deal with so much on your own and you sacrifice yourself for the sake of the kids any chance you get, just to save them the heartache and grief and pain." You hear him sniffle quietly and you feel hot tears drop onto your skin, but you barrel on, especially knowing he doesn't like when people acknowledge him crying.
"I worry about you because while you're all of this, and more, for everyone else...I worry if anyone is that for you. You're human too and you need someone to lean on and listen to you just like you do the same for the boys. Bottling it up and brushing it off or distracting yourself with work..."
You pause. "It only works for so long. And there will come a time when it becomes too much. Chan, I know you don't like talking about it and I know you're a protector who would rather destroy yourself than let anyone go through what you have. And I know you feel like you're burdening others with your issues if you open up. Trust me, were more alike than you think.
"But...if you ever need it and want it, my door is always open." You continue rubbing circles on his back, his louder sobs starting to quiet again. "I know it isn't much and I know you have so many people you could go to before me. I understand that. But I wanted to at least offer and tell you everything I've wanted to now for so many years. So honestly, if you take anything from my long and embarrassing rant," you say with a soft laugh, "just know that I see you, and you're loved."
You try to pull back again and while Chan still clings to you, he reluctantly leans back too. Though he doesn't meet your eye, you see the wet streaks on his cheeks and his chest heaving in a silent cry he's working desperately to quiet.
Unable to stop yourself, you lift your hands to his face, wiping away his tears. "I meant every word I said Chan. If you ever learn anything about me, you'll know I don't just say things for the hell of it. Now please," you thumb away another tear. "You're breaking my heart."
You see him try to paste on a reassuring smile but you still see the sadness laced in it. "I'm sorry I brought up all those buried emotions. I truly didn't go into this with that intention. Hell I didn't even have a plan of what I wanted to say.
"And I know it's unfair of me to tell you to set it all aside now but...you have a show in two hours and I know your manager and stylists will kill me if your eyes are puffy because of me." You chuckle, hoping to lighten the mood. "I mean, I am already a suspect in your murder, remember?"
He responds with his own chuckle at that, his crying fading. "I...I appreciate it, y/n," Chan finally says. His voice is a bit uneven as he fights the last of his hiccups, but he sounds more or less back to normal as he looks at you. "Everything you said...it means more than you know. And...I'll keep your offer in mind."
You smile, pulling back altogether to give him some room. He wipes the rest of his tears in his hoodie sleeve and you smile at him, feeling lighter than you have in a long time. "I know it's hard to accept help so I don't at all expect you to promise or commit to anything, but this was already a good first step. Now, let's get some food in you. Food always helps."
With one last wipe of his face, Chan visibly pulls himself back together and nods leading the way back to the eerily quiet green room. When the yelling and arguing stopped, you don't know, but you're hoping it just means they're resting.
You don't personally have anything to hide but you know how much it would bother Chan if they bore witness to him breaking down. You already feel immense guilt for making him cry, you don't want to add that to his grief.
When the two of you walk through the door, you see the boys scattered all over the room, each of them in varying stages of their meals, but all enjoying the food nonetheless. And when the door clicks shut behind you and Chan, a few of them stop to stare.
"She gets to stay?" Felix asks, sounding hopeful.
Chan nods and finds his way to their makeshift buffet table, fully back to his old self. At least on the surface. "I owe her a meal. And," Chan adds as he hands you a plate and starts rummaging through each dish, "since she's coming to the concert later, I think it would be a little mean to make her leave when she has to come back anyway."
Chan piles spoonfuls of each dish onto his plate and then finds his way to their table, sitting next to Hyunjin who's chowing down on something dessert-like.
Looking over the food--and feeling a bit guilty--you opt for a small portion of rice and some simple grilled veggies. Then you join Chan and Hyunjin at the table where you try to set your bag and jacket out of the way where it won't bother anyone.
It doesn't take long before you see Felix stand from his spot on the couch and join the group, taking up the seat next to you.
But of all people, you didn't expect it to be Lee Know, who leans over the armrest of the couch in a very cat-like way and stares at you. "Is that all you're eating?"
You don't hear anything accusatory or judgmental in his voice. If anything, there's a hint of concern.
"This is more than enough for me," you respond, taking another bite. The food is simple but good and spiced really well so you're truly content. "I don't want to be a bother."
That makes Lee Know tsk, though you hear Chan and Changbin grumble at it too. "Stop it y/n. You're not a bother, now, go get more food before I make you."
However much you're tempted to test Lee Know and see what he resorts to, you just shake your head and continue eating. "Really, I'm fine. And I'm gluten free anyway, so these are the safest to stick with."
There's no mistaking Hyunjin's outright gasp of horror. "How do you survive like that?"
You try to stifle a laugh. He really is Stay's flour boy. "I don't have much of a choice. Allergies," you specify. "But I survive just fine Hyunjin. Gluten free options have actually come a long way. I can eat sweets and bread just like you, they just won't be made out of flour."
Hyunjin simply shakes his head and brings a bite of cake up to his lips, whispering: "I couldn't live without you."
That earns a snort from Seungmin who seems to have given up altogether on trying to control Hyunjin's flour intake.
"Then at least go get some meat," you hear Changbin interject. "I'm sure there are some that are plain."
You cringe, knowing this question was bound to arise too. It was just a matter of time. "I'm vegan too..."
Changbin slams his hand down on the couch with a loud smack. "Yeah, how do you survive?!"
You shrug, more than amused at their antics. "Meat has never appealed to me. But before you ask. Yes, I do get enough protein."
"Your self control," you hear I.N remark as he rubs his belly. "I could never."
"It's not for everyone, but I've been at it almost 9 years so you get use to it."
"Your life saddens me." You glance at Lee Know who's sprawled himself out in another cat-like position. "Do you not miss anything?"
You ponder for a moment. "Maybe eggs because it's the one thing with so few substitutes, but like I said, they've come far over the years. More options become available every day."
"I think you've earned their undying respect." You turn back to Chan at the table and you take a bite as he watches you with an amused smile. "This household is 90% meat. I couldn't wean them off of it if I tried."
"You know there's lots of fake meat and seafood options now? I don't know if I'm the best judge, but I think they taste pretty real."
That captures Chan's and Changbin's attention. "Really?" Chan says. While Changbin claps excitedly and exclaims: "We have to try it then!"
You smile at the both of them, eternally grateful they're being so open-minded. Or at least respectful of your preferences.
"I'd suggest some cafés and restaurants if I could, but I don't know any here. I flew in a day ago." You take another few bites, your hunger finally dissipating. "I did book some extra days after the concert to explore the town a bit though. Maybe they have some places I can try?"
"You have to let us come with you!" Changbin rushes over from the couch to cling to your arm pleadingly and you chuckle, patting his hand.
"Okay okay," you relent. "You can come."
Changbin immediately pops back up, back to his normal, happy self with your agreement. "You all heard her, she promised." And he skips back to the spot he previously abandoned on the couch, which looks like it was starting to become overrun by Lee Know and his splayed out limbs.
Just then, a series of tonal dings sound, silencing everyone.
"Who's is that?"
"Doesn't sound like one of ours," I.N notes. "I don't recognize it."
You blush. "It's mine."
You watch as Han stands and scoops up your phone from its spot on one of the makeup vanities with a mischievous grin. "Like nothing happened," he says as he hands it to you.
"Bullshit," Chan mutters.
Completely and utterly caught off guard, you blink at him but he shrugs and takes another few bites of his food, finishing off his plate. "What? Lee Know is right, you're already sworn to secrecy. No point in hiding it."
You can only blink away the surprise as Chan says nothing more and simply wanders back to the buffet, probably to find some dessert. So you scoop up the last of your rice and veggies before allowing yourself to focus on your phone, silently worried about what the boys did to it.
Warily, you look it over. No cracks. Lock screen, still the same. No lock screen countdown locking you out. Home screen, still the same. All your apps and data seem to still be there. The only thing you worried about was them factory resetting it but, thankfully, it looks like they refrained.
So you forgo doing a deeper search for now and instead pull up your messages. Most of your unreads are just responses from friends, though the most recent ones are from your mom. It looks like she's checking up on you, wondering how the trip is going so far.
With a smile, you quickly respond to her letting her know you're okay and having the time of your life.
If only she knew how true that statement was.
But you're not about to tell her the insane reality of your situation right now. Especially not over text. Though you're not even sure if you should tell her at all. And especially knowing she wouldn't be able to keep the secrets you're now privy to. So you leave the message vague but truthful and send it off before clicking back to your inbox.
And then right there at the top, just like Ryan said: his name, number, and email.
You look at it for a second still not believing what you have in your hands. Or how your afternoon turned so completely upside down that you met Ryan Reynolds, Hugh Jackman, and the whole of Stray Kids. And you currently sit in their green room, with them, while you all wait for the concert. You shake your head.
Saving Ryan's contact, you opt to answer that one later when you can really put thought into which scripts you want to send to him. It's not like it's the most pivotal decision of your life or anything... No biggie.
But you can't help the smile that creeps onto your lips despite the nervousness. A chance at achieving your dream...it's all you've ever wanted. And that chance is in the palm of your hands.
You feel a tap on your shoulder and you shake yourself out of your stupor to see I.N. "Hmm?"
I.N chuckles as he settles into the chair on your other side. "I asked what's making you so happy. You were grinning like crazy at your phone."
You just shrug as you throw your phone into your bag and zip it up. "Just something Ryan sent."
"Reynolds?" Chan blinks at you, dumbfounded. "He gave you his number?"
You simply smirk at him and throw your hair over your shoulder dramatically. "Few men are able to resist my charms, don't sound so surprised Chris. You wound me."
Chan cringes and that makes you laugh all the more.
"Yes, he did," you say, confirming his guess. "There's something he wanted me to send him. And before you ask, if it actually goes somewhere I'll tell you. Until then, it stays a secret."
You're already nervous enough as is. You don't need the boys asking questions or begging to read your work. It's already nerve-wracking enough as is to have Ryan Reynolds asking for them.
"Speaking of secrets," Hyunjin hums, "how are you handling the news of our movie deal? They told you, didn't they?"
"Can't you tell? It hardly phases me anymore." When Hyunjin throws his head back in a riotous laugh, you can't help but chuckle along with him. His laugh is absolutely infectious and you adore him all the more for it.
"It's absolutely crazy to think you guys are making tracks for a Marvel movie. That's a whole new level of famous," you admit. "But I think with everything that's happened today, I've gone into shock. Any other day, I don't know how I'd process any of this let alone the movie deal tidbit, but I think you guys broke me."
"Nooooooo," Felix wails. He throws himself onto you, clutching your shoulders tightly. "We need a doctor in here and a med-evac, stat. How can we keep her breathing? We need to make sure she's of sound mind. Does anyone know CPR?"
"I do." Han's mischievous grin doesn't reassure you in the slightest of his claim. In fact it does the opposite.
And Seungmin confirms your guess when he smacks his arm. "No you don't."
"Hey," Han concedes. "When the situation calls for it, would you rather me not try?"
Bringing up your hand, you caress Felix's head softly, unable to refrain from running your fingers through his hair at least a little bit. "At least I can count on someone to try and actually save me," you tell him and the two of you chuckle when Han grumbles from his new spot on the couch next to Lee Know. Lee Know simply pats Han's shoulder, the action looking less than consoling.
But when you pull your hand away and try to sit back in your chair, Felix lets off a soft whine. "Oh?"
You lean forward to try and see his face better but he doesn't let you. He just bumps his head into yours as if asking for more. "Ah you like head scratches too don't you? You're just like my cats back home." You stifle a chuckle. If only Stays knew how appropriate their animal choice for him was.
"You have cats?"
Lee Know, for once, is sitting bolt upright and you nearly lose it at how fast he managed to pull himself together.
"I do," you affirm. "Salt and Pepper. Both rescues."
When Lee Know doesn't say anything, you glance over at him to see him shake his head. Then he looks at the rest of the boys, his face serious. "I'll have you all know, she's my new favorite person."
Han looks like he wants to fight Lee Know. I.N for some reason looks relieved. And everyone else just shake their heads too, unable to even respond to his mania.
With a quick, soft scratch to Felix's head, you peel him off of you though he doesn't make it easy. The boy clings to you worse than cling wrap. But once you've freed yourself, you circle around the back of his chair, ignoring his questioning gaze. And you pause.
"I need you lower, Lix."
He slides down in his chair without question and it's just enough to get his head at the right height. So you don't waste any time in going to work.
You work your fingers into his hair gently, scratching your fingers along his scalp as you go. And you allow yourself to pull at the soft strands ever so slightly knowing the small tension would feel good, before starting the process over again. Starting from the base of his neck and making your way slowly up to his forehead in rhythmic and precise movements.
Felix all but melts into your hands, his body going limp.
Then you hear Lee know and Chan burst out laughing and you glance up to see them standing across the table in front of the two of you. "His eyes are rolling to the back of his head," Chan notes.
With surprising grace and speed, Lee Know whips out his phone and aims it in your direction, to record if you had to guess.
"Her nails," is all Felix says. All he seems able to say.
You remove one of your hands from his head for a second to waggle your fingers at the boys, showing off the acrylics you had done for the concert.
Almost immediately, Felix whines again and you chuckle, replacing your hand. "I don't know what it is, but guys seem to be head over heels for these when it comes to a head or back massage."
You continue your ministrations, sometimes being a tiny bit rougher and other times keeping your touches soft. You even start from the from and scratch your way all the way down his neck, earning you a shiver from him.
"He's practically drooling," Lee Know observes.
"I have no regrets," Felix responds dreamily. "You would understand if y/n felt like you deserved one." A pause as his sentence trails off. Then, "I never get head massages. No one ever wants to give me one." You're guessing that last part was directed at you.
"Yeah, I never get them either," you admit. "I'm usually always the one giving them, especially when I get acrylics done."
"Did you get them done for the concert?"
You nod at Seungmin's question. Before you can say anything else Chan cuts in. "That reminds me! I wanted to ask. What section are you in? So we know where to look during the show."
You chuckle nervously, keeping your attention mostly focused on Felix and your massaging. "I'm a bit farther back. With all the expenses, I couldn't afford anything closer. Especially with how fast your tickets sell out." You shake your head at the memories. "Your guys' ticket sales are a blood bath."
"Well that won't do at all," Chan retorts. He pulls out his phone and taps a few things before rising to his feet. "I'll be back. You all behave while I'm gone. And you," he says, meeting your eye. "Mark me down as next in line on your waiting list. I gotta see what all the buzz is about."
It's almost as if he knows the chaos that's bound to ensue after a comment like that because he hurries out the door of the green room just as the squabbling starts, each person vying for a better spot on your non-existent waiting list. And no one willing to compromise in where they land, as long as it's at the top.
You simply smile at all of them and lean down to place a quick kiss on Felix's temple--unable to help yourself--before abandoning the massage altogether and dropping yourself back into your chair.
"Look at what you did Felix," you say, motioning to the war happening between the boys, all of them utterly lost in that world.
"We're both to blame," he corrects. "But like I said, no regrets. 100% worth it. That was...heavenly." You see him shake his head, blinking away the haze of bliss that settled over his features. He shivers again. "I don't know how I'm going to function now."
A ding sounds. Then another. Though this time, it isn't your phone.
Smacking his lips, and still visibly blissed out, Felix digs his own phone out of his pocket. It takes all but a second of him looking at the screen before chuckling and handing it off to you.
Once again, you ignore your inner fangirl at the thought of you holding Felix's phone and you try to focus on what he's showing you instead. A text from Chan.
You glance at the time and you're surprised to see nearly two hours had elapsed. It's crazy how the time flew by even though you feel like you all just got in here. But you continue reading.
You glance at the boys next, who are still fighting with each other; Chan knows exactly what he did.
A second text comes in as you finish reading.
"Is that okay with you?" Felix asks.
All you can do is hand him back his phone, dumbfounded.
"I mean, yes," you hedge. "But in all honesty, I don't know if I trust myself with your guys' numbers. I mean..." You hold your head, looking every bit confused as you feel. "It's not that I'd leak them or anything. I would never want to hurt you guys, but..."
You groan, only half meaning it. "The secrets that are bottled up inside of me now? All the things I know that no other Stay does? The fabled group chat??" You shake your head. "Ryan's number was enough to make me short circuit. I don't know how I'll survive this too."
Felix simply pats your arm. "It'll be okay y/n. You get use to it after a while."
"You say that as if you guys plan to keep me around after today."
"Who knows?" Felix muses. "I would certainly enjoy your company, but it's up to Chan. And manager Nim," he adds. "I'm surprised he let you loose with us honestly."
"You and me both Lix." You sit back, trying to puzzle it out. "I don't understand it. And I certainly don't deserve it."
Felix smacks your arm playfully although his face is serious when he looks at you. "Stop it y/n. You don't give yourself enough credit. They see something in you and that's why you're still here."
"But it's breaking so many rules..."
"So?" Felix eyes you for a second and then hands you his phone open to an empty contact page, which you start to fill in. "We're allowed to have friends. And we're being careful. What more is there?"
You hand his phone back to him with a roll of your eyes. "I don't know...JYP?"
"Bah," he huffs. "We're his biggest source of income. What the fuck is he gonna do?"
Much like with Lee Know and Chan, your mind stalls. You'll never get use to the boys swearing. Especially sunshine over here, despite all the videos Stays have dug up of him cursing.
Felix just cackles, typing a few things before pocketing his phone again and a series of dings sound off through the room. Although no one reacts to it while they're still so immersed in their debate.
"You're added."
Your phone sounds off again. Once. Twice. Then a third. You glance at Felix who only raises his hands as if to say he didn't do it.
"It's not me."
Digging into your bag, you pull out your phone to find three texts in a one-on-one chat from an unregistered number.
You take a second to save his contact before going back to answer with a chuckle.
You laugh at your own joke and send him another text.
Your mind stalls again. The what now?
Trying to hide your smile, you shove your phone back into your bag and set your sights on the boys. With a loud knock knock knock on the table, they turn to you.
"Chan told me to tell you all to go get changed. And you Minho," you say focusing solely on him, "he said for you to quote 'get your butt-hunting ass down to hair and makeup'."
Changbin and Seungmin blink at you as if to wonder what the hell they missed and how you could possibly know what Chan wants even though he's gone, and the rest of the boys whine and grumble at your instructions. But none of them budge.
You simply sit back and pretend to pick at your nails absentmindedly. "Then I guess none of you wanted a head massage that badly."
The frenzy from before is nothing compared to how fast the boys all jump into action and you chuckle.
From beside you, Felix reaches out a hand to take yours, bringing it up to his face to look at your nails and the Maniac themed design you had painted on it.
He seems to nod his approval at the art and with a light squeeze of your fingers, he stands and wanders out the door, probably to go get changed, like you instructed.
"But I don't wanna do hair and makeup yet," Lee Know whines. You peer over at him where he's sprawled out dramatically on the couch. Unmoving.
"Well," you say as you watch him pretend to suffer. "I was also going to show you pictures of Salt and Pepper, but now...?"
You don't even get the chance to finish your sentence before Lee Know is up and on his feet. "You're evil," he snips. "And I respect it."
With that, he ambles over to the door where manager Nim is already waiting. And Nim watches Lee Know leave before focusing back on you. "Salt and Pepper?"
"My cats," you clarify. Standing, you take your trash and throw it away before putting on your bag and jacket. "The secret to handling Lee Know: anything that has to do with cats."
"And the rest of them?" Manager Nim looks at his watch. "I was just with Chan less than five minutes ago. I can never get them to listen to me that quickly. Not unless food is involved."
You're not about to tell manager Nim that head massages are apparently an even better motivator, so you shrug, feigning innocence.
He simply shakes his head. "If only I wielded your power."
Turning, he walks out the door and you follow. "This," he says, handing you a lanyard, "is your VIP ticket. And this," he says handing you another one, "is your staff/backstage pass. Please hide it while you're out on the floor."
Hesitantly, you take both, putting the VIP ticket lanyard on and zipping the other one up in your bag.
"Thank you Mr-I, I mean Nim. Thank you, Nim."
When he nods and says nothing else, you glance at him out of the corner of your eye.
You want to ask him why he's doing all of this. Why he's helping you. Why he's letting Chan break the rules. Why he's allowing you to be a small part in the boys' lives when you don't at all deserve it, or his trust.
"I can't remember the last time I've seen him this happy..." When you look at Nim, his face is pensive. Thoughtful. "Chan is very much a lone wolf, as the name implies.
"He doesn't let people in very easily. Or around the kids. He's very protective of them and what they get subjected to." You stay quiet allowing Nim to sift through his thoughts, knowing that this is him telling you the truth of their reality.
"I could forbid him from interacting with you, and vice versa, but I know it would only hurt him. And I know he would still do it anyway. You're a good kid, y/n." For the first time since you guys started your trek, he looks you in the eye. "I've put my trust in you up 'till now. Please...don't make me regret it."
Wait...does that mean...? Is this why he let you loose with the boys backstage?
"They can be impulsive at times so all I ask is that you be careful and make good choices, okay? You're smart, so I'm relying on you to be the voice of reason. And it looks like you've been a Stay long enough to know what they deal with."
Whether he means privacy-wise and how they have to hide in public or in reference to the fans and certain...things that are said to them. Either way, you have been a Stay a long time and you've bore witness to it all.
"I'll do my best to be worthy of your trust." You look at Nim, hoping he can see the earnestness in your eyes. "And do right by the kids."
He graces you with a smile that has your heart fluttering. "That's all I needed to hear."
And with that, he ushers you out the door.