Emily
"Are you sure you don't want your name on the party decorations? This is a going-away party, and you're also going away. Right?" Quinn questioned me.
How could I put my name up there and celebrate leaving my sister when she couldn't handle being on her own for a single class? I didn't even know if I could leave her. I needed the option to break away if I suddenly changed my mind, and it wouldn't break Sarah.
"Girl, it's your birthday party. I'm not putting my name on the cake, oh my goodness. The birthday girl is the only one who is allowed to get attention, and I'm not stealing from that!" I lied through my teeth.
Quinn had been pressuring me for the past three weeks to tell Sarah. Of course she knew it was for Sarah's benefit. I had to tell her sooner or later, but I knew I'd waited too long.
Not only was it impossible to back out without Quinn and Mia throwing shame on me for not following my dream, it was impossible to get my classes back. They'd filled my spots in every class I dropped, and added me to the program. It was billed (and paid without a second thought, I guess Dad sent the money as soon as the bill showed up?), and there were no refunds. Not to mention, I'd be betraying myself if I backed out now. Mia made that incredibly clear every time she saw me crying outside the dorms.
"It's a going away party too. Guess who else is going away? You! Where did my attention hog best friend go?" Quinn pushed.
I couldn't figure out what to tell her, but the few seconds of silence she heard were enough to tattle on me about what she'd been pestering me to do.
Also since when was I an attention hog?!
"You haven't told Sarah yet, have you?" She realized.
"I have!! She totally knows!" I felt the lies escape me faster than I could think.
"EMILINE, WE LEAVE TOMORROW!! SARAH DOES NOT KNOW HOW TO ADJUST QUICKLY! WHY AM I TELLING YOU ABOUT YOUR TWIN?! IF SHE DOES NOT ALREADY KNOW, I SWEAR!"
I had to hold the phone away from my ear with how screechy her yelling was.
"I know my own sister, thank you very much! Just... the party should be about the birthday girl. Do not add me," I instructed very carefully.
"If she knows, that won't be a problem. You share your birthday every year. Since when haven't you loved being the center of attention?"
"Since my heart is in the gutter and I'm not in the mood to be the center of attention."
"Fine, whatever. I'll see you later," she said before she hung up.
* * *
Mia
I wanted to be annoyed with Emily for getting into the situation we both saw coming a mile away, but I'd actually begun to understand her. Yes, Sarah was my best friend too and I knew she was going to be upset about this "sudden" semester-long trip out of the country.
Now I did ask myself if there was any logic in respecting the wishes of the girl who got salty every time I stepped into the room prior to the talk we had about this thing. I knew Sarah would have appreciated knowing that I knew this information a week and a half ago, seeing how much she depended on her for doing all the talking in literally almost every aspect of her life, but Emily begged me not to say anything until she got the chance to tell Sarah herself.
I found myself stuck in this situation with her. Emily and I had somewhat become friends after that, so it felt wrong to throw her under the bus with her sister. I was not in the mood to see another sister's explosion of theirs where both of them end up salty and sad about each other for a week straight. They've already had like thirteen of those in the past year I've known them both.
Besides, it was her responsibility to tell her codependent sister that she was ditching her, not mine. Seeing as Emily was the only person Sarah basically spoke to before she met me, I knew she would be extremely upset that she would be the last to know.
Still, I found myself rooting for that girl, and wanting her to be happy about following her dreams. We were both just girls with dreams. Yeah, we had our differences, but she deserved happiness too. I wanted Emily to get what she wanted.
Unfortunately, it was out of my hands the day of my cousin Quinn's birthday party, the night before the plane was scheduled to leave for Milan. She was also Emily's best friend, but invited Sarah to be nice despite the fact that they rarely talked.
"So you're packed and ready to go, birthday girl?" One of Quinn's friends, Avalon, asked her.
"Of course! I've scanned MagazineQueenz for outfit inspo so Emily I don't look crazy out of place in Milan, but we're obviously going to get more clothes over there," she replied, gesturing to said girl. "This is like a glorified, overpriced fashion trip we get school credits for."
And there it was.
I felt my own heart sink at the mention of her name. She stood there stunned, her face white as a ghost. I knew she was screwed.
I slipped behind Sarah, wildly gesturing X's with my arms to Quinn to silence her so I could try and save this somehow.
"This internship is only in the morning, so we've got all afternoon to explore and see Italian life," she continued, not seeing me yet.
"Em, what internship?" Sarah asked, turning to her sister, "Health majors don't–"
That look on Emily's face obviously said enough for her because she went silent.
Sarah looked at me, and I dropped my arms back to my side quickly.
Quinn's eyes widened as she began to realize exactly what was happening.
"Oh shoot– uh, did I say Emily? I meant... Emma. My– boyfriend's friend who's a girl," she attempted to lie.
Yeah that was too little, too late.
"Uhh... Sarah," Emily choked, "I've been meaning to tell you-"
"I'm so sorry, I thought you already told her," Quinn profusely apologized, "We're leaving tomorrow, so I thought she knew!"
I dropped my face into my hand.
"Tomorrow?" Sarah quietly echoed to Emily, looking to her like a lost puppy.
"Girl, you're making it worse!" I hushed my cousin, yanking her away.
"You saying it's getting worse is making this worse," Quinn spat back, to which I rolled my eyes.
She glared at me.
"So everyone except me knew? When did you plan on telling me?" Sarah asked me, growing tears in her eyes, "Mia, why didn't you say anything?"
My brain short-circuited at the intensity of the way she asked me that. Like I'd been the one responsible for Emily not telling her.
"Calvin didn't know," Quinn tried to help me out, referring to Emily's ex-boyfriend who used to be in our friend group.
"He did," Emily awkwardly added.
"Wait, why does he know?" Quinn asked Emily accusatorially, "You literally cry at the mention of his name. I thought you two were still going 'no-contact?' YOU BROKE IT?!"
It wasn't until they stopped talking that I realized the entire party was silently listening to everything. I glanced around to see that all eyes were on us.
I was not one to be embarrassed easily, but the clowns of this circus were the main attraction.
Sarah ran out the back gate, probably realizing this too.
Emily tried to go after her, but Quinn stopped her. "Just give her space, Em."
"I'll talk to her," I reassured her, already heading out the back.
The blonde was literally on a jog halfway down the street by the time I left the apartment complex's pool area.
That was something that was just going to have to run out of steam eventually because I did not intend on full-on sprinting to breathlessly argue with her.
When Sarah finally came back to the party as it came to an end, she didn't even look at us.
"I'm sorry I didn't tell you. I felt like it wasn't my place, and Emily was finally on good terms with me. I know that means something to you, and I didn't want to lose that," I apologized abruptly, just wanting this tension to vanish.
She looked down at her phone, her eyes growing watery again as she tried her best to look hard and angry.
"Sarah's back," I heard Quinn tell Emily, to which she glanced over to her sister and me.
I gave her a subtle head shake, trying to signify she wasn't in a good mood.
Emily came over anyway, and tried to talk to her sister. "Hey Sare," she greeted softly.
Sarah continued to look down at her phone through her glassy eyes, opening the calculator app, then the calendar app.
That girl was not happy with either of us.
"I know you're mad at me. You deserve to be. I should've told you earlier— but I didn't know if I was going. I hated the idea of leaving without you," Emily told her, her voice soft and quiet to where I could tell if she raised it one bit, she'd crack and burst into tears.
Sarah rolled her eyes, forcing herself to seem mad. I could tell she wanted to cry just as much, and she wanted to ask questions and talk back, but her silence was keeping her outwardly stable.
"She does hate leaving you," I confirmed.
"Are we going to leave?" Sarah pushed out an irritable tone.
"Yeah, let's go." Emily replied, her voice shaking. Her lower lip was trembling and her eyes were growing glassy.
"I was talking to Mia," Sarah barked back, spinning around and walking out towards the entrance.
As soon as she walked out, Emily burst into tears again.
"Look, she's just reacting. Sarah will get over it, it's just a reaction. She loves you a lot and won't hate you forever. Y'all fight all the time," I tried to remind her.
"This one is my fault though," the girl sobbed.
"Just give her time. I'll reason with her while you're doing your thing, and make sure she's okay. Don't worry about this."
* * *
Emily
I knew this couldn't end well. I knew I'd make an explosive fight out of this internship thing, and I managed to do it in the worst possible way. There was no reason to pity myself, I screwed up. I could have told Sarah as soon as I considered it, and kept the line of communication open so she'd have time to adjust with me.
Instead, I procrastinated.
I procrastinated telling my sister something so simple, with words so easy to speak, and basically manifested this awful fight. Was it dramatic?
I mean, I think any other regular pair of siblings might be surprised by the news, but it wouldn't have this fat of an impact. Sarah depended on me for everything socially and emotionally. I was her voice outside a dorm, outside her closest friends. I was leaving her without giving her much time to even process this.
I never intended to wait. I wanted to say it to her, but I knew inside me that I'd give everything up with one breath of pleading. I would throw it all away, and I didn't want to. I was so scared because I knew I would abandon myself in a heartbeat. I never wanted to abandon Sarah.
She went home in a car with Mia, so I'd left too. I'd driven off and just... traveled. I drove for an hour, to nowhere in particular. I didn't want to come home to face her. I knew I was still capable of abandoning myself. I was disgusted with myself in the same breath. I was selfish for not wanting to stay. I was so wrong for leaving someone who needed me like that.
How could I be so... self-absorbed? And yet, I couldn't force myself to go home and take that chance.
I was burning with the worst kinds of guilt and pain. My heart was on fire.
It'd been another hour of sitting in the campus parking lot before I mustered up the will to leave the car and go compromise. If it came to it... my sister came first. She'd always come first, no matter what. If she wanted me to stay after I explained everything, that was just what I'd have to do.
As I walked back, I heard laughs by the side of the dorm building. My eyes landed on someone familiar. Well... two familiar faces. A cute happy girl who was excited to see Calvin, and freaking Calvin. The energy matched, both of them sharing some kind of exciting, silly and playful conversation.
I repressed the pain of seeing their happy little reunion right before the interview I had, and tried just a little harder to be the perfect internship candidate that day. I couldn't read Calvin that time, but this moment, I saw his face was fully lit up. I missed when it was with me.
I didn't know my heart could burn anymore than it did, but I knew I had to leave the country under any circumstances. I couldn't take another freaking thing.
I wanted to run away, but I hesitated for a moment.
A piece of me craved for Calvin's eyes to fall on me again, for his loving gaze to warm and comfort me like it used to. My heart was drawn to his, I didn't know how to break it away. I was scared the pull wouldn't let me run, and I'd end up running back into his arms. It felt like I was meant to be in them at this moment, in some other world.
The rest of me knew I should run away before his eyes could take that control from me. It knew I wasn't strong enough to watch or hear about the resulting pain of letting Brandon kiss me last semester. I knew I couldn't do anything more to bring him back to me. I knew it wasn't on my terms. I knew he was moving on.
My heart wouldn't accept it, and would shatter more if I got that visual confirmation, that nail in the coffin.
I had to move on now too. What was keeping me here?
Well, Sarah if she needed me. My head ached from the uncertainty. Was I staying for her? Could I stay for her, even if I had to watch the love of my life move on? Could I leave when she couldn't say a coffee order without me? Would Mia be there to speak for her, or would she break my sister with the forced practices?
I forced myself to go into our shared room, only to find the lights were out and she was asleep.
She was sleeping. I couldn't make a decision until we could talk the next morning.
Until then, my head would replay every debate I already argued within myself until I could sleep myself.