XiChen opens up the contacts app and selects his father's name. There are text messages, a back and forth about mundane things, and he gets the feeling that his mother wasn't very interested in texting.
No voice messages though.
It's the same for Uncle Qiren and Da Tuzi, but with the latter, there's an additional message of telling the family butler that the box was ready, whenever he wanted to come and collect it. No voice message here, either.
Lan Zhan was frowning at the phone now, because only one more name remained: Cangse Sanren.
"Do we know what month they disappeared?" He asked Wei Ying, who shook his head.
"I was too little to remember, plus afterwards, Madam Yu said no one remembers when they were kids, and then I wasn't sure if my memories were real memories or stuff I'd made up." Wei Ying has closed his eyes and looks quite comfortable, resting his face on Lan Zhan's knees.
The brothers share a look, before XiChen continues to scroll through the chat between their mother and her best friend.
Again, there are no recordings.
"Ge, the icon notification hasn't gone away." Lan Zhan says, after XiChen hands him the phone back.
"I know. I can only think of one person who can help," XiChen replies, pulling out his own phone and pressing a single button.
"You put A-Sang on speed dial?" MingJue looks chuffed at that.
"Oh, definitely. These days, I'm calling him more than WangJi." XiChen laughs, and it makes MingJue draw him closer to kiss his temple.
"Sup?" Huaisang says, moments later.
"We're trying to find the audio messages on an old Nokia." XiChen tells him.
"Model number?"
"Nokia 3300."
Huaisang doesn't say anything for a few minutes, but they can hear the sound of keys typing furiously.
"Screenshot of the icon?"
XiChen does it immediately with a closeup.
"Okay, so go into settings, and check out the memory tab. There's something called the Keep Safe app, and you should find what you're looking for there." Huaisang replies, seconds later.
XiChen watches Lan Zhan follow his instructions to the letter, and when there's a crackling sound, they realise it's working. He thanks Huaisang quickly and ends the call.
No one dares to breathe, as a woman's voice is heard.
"I am being transferred to a ward in the hospital, but personally, I don't think there's any point."
Her voice sounds resigned, as if she knows she might not return from there.
"I don't have any regrets except...except I wish I could have more time with the boys. They might never get to hear me say this, but I'm so proud of them. A-Huan is a lovely young man, so empathetic and kind, and I know he will do well. My serious little A-Zhan is the one that makes me worry. I want him to have some real fun, and not worry about adults getting their knickers in a twist about it."
Wei Ying chokes back a laugh at that, and XiChen smiles with amusement, and even Lan Zhan softens at her words.
"I don't even know if they will ever get to hear this, but I'm going to do my best. Fei Lang assures me that he will try to pass the phone on, and since he's the one who taught me how to record myself, I'm going to believe it." There are sudden coughs which result in the recording being halted.
XiChen checks the number of recordings there are: a total of six.
He starts the second one.
"I thought I would have so much to say, so many thoughts come to mind when I'm lying in bed and unable to move. Talking so much hurts my throat but I feel as if I won't get this chance again, and I don't want to waste it. My boys will have to be so brave," she chokes back a sob, and there is the rustling sound of a tissue and she blows out her nose, and again the sounds she makes are so familiar to her sons that they look at one another again with shared smiles, and then she begins to talk once more.
"I'm terrified of their father's indifferent attitude, the way he can switch emotions like coloured cards, and if I could have the Universe grant me one wish, it would be that my boys gain some sort of stability. It's so hard to imagine that I won't be there. Not while they go through school, high school, college, University...when they graduate. I can see them now, in my mind's eye, so tall like their father, but kind and sweet."
The recording seems to have cut her off, because the third one picks up immediately where she left off.
"When they grow up, when they go on their first dates, when they become someone's boyfriend...when they marry. I can only open up the pot of blessings in my heart for them, shower them with my love and desperately wish they reach my intended loves. I hope and pray that they never stop trusting in the Universe, that they believe in the people they come to love. And that they are loved in equal measures, unconditionally because true love is exactly that.
"Sometimes, it takes a few false starts, a few bad examples to see what love is really like. There's no difference really, in the different types of love. The faithfulness, the trust and the selflessness true love requires is the same, and I truly hope that neither of my children settles for anything less."
When this one finishes, XiChen turns to MingJue.
"We were lucky." That's all he has to say, for MingJue to pull him closer and kiss the top of his head.
When Lan Zhan looks down, Wei Ying is already looking at him. There's so much trust shining from his lovely silver eyes, that Lan Zhan is humbled immediately.
"I think your mom was an exceptional lady." He whispers it, as if he doesn't want to disturb this strange peacefulness.
The tranquillity that sits upon Lan Zhan's shoulders is like a handmade quilt created from love. Of all the things he was expecting to feel from listening to his mother's voice, this wasn't it.
He thought he would feel that never-ending pain, a heartbreak from an infinite separation, the sadness that sometimes engulfed him when he was the least prepared for it, and definitely melancholy. Mostly because he missed her so much.
Their time together was so short and yet so sweet, like concentrated sugar, or condensed milk.
His mother taught him how to love.
It was said in their family that once a Lan fell in love, that was it for them.
But Lan Zhan thinks that even if it was so, his mother softened the edges of that particular curse to make it a blessing instead. When he looks at Wei Ying, he feels an impossible warmth comforting him from the inside, and his mother's love cocooning him from the outside, and it feels surprisingly good.
"Are we ready to hear more?" XiChen asks him gently, and Lan Zhan realises that he's been surrounded by love, all the different kinds, for most of his life.
It is an eye-opening thought, one he is most grateful for.
The fourth recording seems to have been made some time after the first few. Their mother sounds raw, as if making the effort to create this was difficult for her, but determination is underlying every frail word.
"I really can't tell how much time is left for me, though it's certainly not much. I have good days and bad, and of course the best days when the boys come to see me. A-Huan looks after his Didi so well, I feel settled that at least there was one thing I got right. A-Zhan looks up to him in all the ways that count, and I'm so proud of them. If I don't get any more than that, it's okay. I hope it's enough, whatever I've taught them, to see the world through softer eyes instead of the harsh ones surrounding them.
"To know that beauty is in every gentle caress, in each taste of food cooked by those that love us, in each flowering petal, a gift from the Universe reminding us of all the good things in the world. To know that despite its transitory nature, its fleeting existence, all we have to do is plant more flowers.
"Life can be as easy or as hard as we make it."
XiChen accepts the tissue MingJue gives him.
Lan Zhan has been aware of the wet spot on his knees for some time now, and he hasn't stopped stroking Wei Ying's hair since. There's a comfort in doing this, because he feels partly responsible for making Wei Ying sad, and in return, just trying to make him feel better is grounding. In this way, he doesn't feel like he has to examine how he himself is feeling, at least, not yet.
Not until he's ready.
MingJue stands up and pours a glass of water for everyone.
They all needed a break from the intensity of what they're doing and yet, no one else moves.
Lan Zhan has to force Wei Ying to drink his water, and as a sort of petty retribution, makes him drink both glasses.
"Do you want to continue, Didi? Or shall we listen to the rest another time?"
XiChen's words bring him back to the present moment, and Lan Zhan realises he's been drifting back into his memories. He looks back into honey-coloured eyes, slightly darker and warm as always towards him.
"I am okay to continue," he replies, and then adds as an afterthought, "if Xiongzhang is?"
XiChen nods and presses the play button with a shaky finger.
"A-Huan, this message is for you. If you can, I would want you to forget seeing me as I am now, and try only to remember better days, days we spent playing hide and seek in the gardens behind my room. Days we spent sneaking into the kitchen and baking cupcakes and heart shaped cookies. When we read together, and we painted together. You're too young now to know that these moments won't be repeated, no matter how much I wish it wasn't so.
"But I'm choosing to be brave because one must lead by example...no matter how hard it is. I love you so much, my dear, dear boy, my heart, my soul. I am blessed to be your mother, and each day in our lives spent together or apart, are never enough. I love you."
In the silence that follows, there is only the sound of muffled sobs and XiChen's ragged breathing as he cries into MingJue's shoulder.
Time seems to stand still for the brothers who lost their mother so tragically too soon, while they were still budding on a blossom tree, in the first days of spring.
Da Tuzi arrives with fresh tea and pours it into four cups. He says nothing, simply refilling the jug of drinking water and then he leaves just as quietly.
XiChen has calmed himself to play the last message.
Lan Zhan is tense already, a sixth sense warning him that this final message will be for him. Already, his mind has begun to heal just by listening to his mother's calm voice slowly narrating her thoughts.
But this last one, it is directly for him.
"Today is a wonderful day!" His mother starts off so excitedly. "Today A-Zhan told me in the most shy way that he loves me as much as he loves bunnies. It was so cute," she squeals with delight, but then it's followed by the most appalling coughing.
The sound cuts off and then resumes.
"A-Zhan, I love you so much. You are the light of my life, so serious and yet so funny. So matter-of-factly how you shred my heart into ribbons and I feel so proud every time I look at you. I fear for you the most. People may look at you and think you don't care, but I know the truth. You're like a baby dragon guarding your feelings like the treasures they are, and they are! Everything you feel, all the good ones and even all the bad ones, they are all valuable. I hope you find someone who loves you with full acceptance, to love you for everything you feel. My precious boy, I love you so, so much. Please, even if you forget who I am, please remember that, if nothing else. I love you."
Lan Zhan vaguely is aware of Wei Ying climbing into his lap and surrounding him with warmth. And he's doing that thing again, the gift he didn't know he possessed.
Feelings of being loved, of being appreciated and accepted, it makes him calm, like how he used to feel upon waking up. And now how he feels, lying next to Wei Ying while he sleeps, or when he goes to put the children to sleep and ends up staying that much longer, just to watch their peaceful little faces.
Love with all its changing facets has always been around him; he just hadn't known what it looked like.
When Wei Ying finally stands up, it is XiChen who hugs him now, with a different kind of warmth.
His love has been a steadying presence in Lan Zhan's life, a shelter in the storm, the strength of pushing his own cart, someone he truly needed.
And he understands that although they have lost their mother, they still have her love.
And that they always will.
*************
A/N
Dear Lovely Readers,
I made myself cry, plus my brother sent me a recording of 'Hey Jude' by the Beatles. If you don't know, it was written by John Lennon as advice to his young son, and later he was killed, so he never got to say those words to his child.
But it is full of great advice, so I highly recommend listening to it.
Don't worry, hopefully this is the last of the sad ones and onwards and upwards, but no promises because I Don't even know myself.
Lots of chocolate!!
Charlie