IT WONT GET BETTER― (playlist)
NOW PLAYING: BACK OF MY MIND
BY: D4VD
↻ ◁ II ▷ ↺
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3:20-4:02
_____❛ JASMINE DUBOIS
4'28'23||yonkers'nyc ❜_______ HOSPITAL; ❀
JASMINE, I woke in a white room, looking up to a white light hun over my head, scanning the room. I noticed I was in the hospital hearing the heart monitor beep, there were tubes and machines strung to me.
Why was I here...?
I shut my eyes falling into a loophole, a black void pulling me through, a certain heat burnt my heart, not a candle flame but a forest fire, the kind of fire you have to fight to put out
It was filled with smoke that suffocated me, I was falling through that void without a sound echoing from my closed lips, not because I didn't wanna scream. But because I was being forced to shut up
That kind of scream that's silent in physical, but loud in spirit, the screams only a certain someone could hear. A someone that genuinely cares
And I ask myself, do I have such a person? I can't seem to remember .
Do I have a mother..? Yes..
My mother cares, but she can't hear me..
Do I have friends..? yes. Can they hear me, sort of.
But him.. he seems to hear me loud and clear, he can hear the loud screams that echoed from my silent lips, he can feel the burn from the fire roaring from my heart.
Yet..he can't help me, I can't help me.
Neither has God..ive lost faith.
Why?..because I'm naive..because I believe every one that shows me a smile.
A sweet smile, I fall for it, but get hit by they sharp devilish teeth they show.
The smile that holds darkness, a smile that is hidden beyond evil.
It's no one's fault but my own, not his. But mine.
God I hate that man. I hate him.
NARRATORS VIEW ―✰
Your probably confused on what I mean..I am too. I DONT even know what happened to me. I'm still stuck in a replay, like when your watching a movie, and you don't understand a certain part, so you replay and replay and the cycle continues until you finally understand it.
And if you don't understand what's happening, you turn to Google..but the answers google gives me, I don't wanna believe.
And if I can't believe it, who will?
So now your stuck in a loop, the kind that makes you hurt, the loop where your constant thought is: how did this happen? How did it turn out like this and why?.
Well because we are both confused, let's take a look at that endless loop.
Lets rewind and pay attention cause it might be fast.
I'll start the story, you take notes so we can work together on finding out what happened
to JASMINE, because she is stuck
Remember I said, pay attention cause it moves fast.
――――――――――――――
TRIGGER WARNING: may be..rape
please stop reading if you get triggered easily.
PLAY ANOTHER LOVE( 1 HOUR/ SLOWED)
FLASHBACK: 21st of April' time: 3:01 am.
"I'm getting kind of tired, I should head to bed for school." I let him know. He frowned a bit
"Aw, can't you stay a bit longer, we just became friends. I was getting happy." He mumbled in a soft tone, I felt bad again and sighed
"Okay..I'll stay for 5 more minutes!" I said putting up the number 5 with my hands. He shook his head, smiling
naive I tell you..
"Okay so what your in love with Huey?" He asked, I nodded, a bright smile crept on my face. He nodded and smiled.
He drug his hand a little more up my thigh before removing his hand completely, he turned to me and stood up. "Come I wanna show you something!" He exclaimed happily.
I nodded and stood up, clasping my hands together, I wonder what it is!
We walked upstairs and he directed me into his room, I scanned the room, and heard a lock. "Hmm so what do you wanna show me" I cut myself off turning to him, he locked the door.
"Shh sit on the bed real quick, you gon love it!" He beamed, I did as told, and happily made my way on the bed taking a seat at the edge.
Suddenly the lights shut off, and because there were blinds on the windows I couldn't see a thing, it was pitch black.
"Um Rafeal this isn't funny, turn the lights back on." I said, that same unsettling feeling crept under the door and stood again.
This time it felt scarer, I swallowed the lump in my throat, I felt his hand again find its way onto my thigh, but this time it was in between, under my night dress.
"Shhh, I'm still here. Remember we're friends right." He said in a sadder tone, I nodded feeling bad.
He started unzipping the back off my dress, the cold breeze hitting my skin, I gasped lightly at the feeling. I shook my head
"Wait stop, i don't like this.." I told him, he didn't stop, instead he started ripping the short pink silk dress at the beginning of my chest.
I quickly brought my hands to my chest covering myself, and began pushing his hands off me. "Rafeal stop, I don't want to" I called out
Again he didn't stop.. he removed my hands from my chest, pushing me body into the bed, so now I was laying down, I tried to pull myself up, but he brought his body weight onto me.
I felt my nerves began crashing together when, he began kissing down my neck, I continued my begging but he didn't let up, my hands began shaking, my breathing began to heavy
It didn't make sense, why me?..
He untied his sweatpants, pulling my underwear off. "Don't say anything okay?" He said, pressing his hand against my mouth. The tears that you hold, fall weather you didn't want them to.
"Please, I can't breathe.." I cried out, he pressed his hand weight onto my lips, and scratched his nails deep into my skin, I gasped at the burning cut that laid on my soft skin.
He removed his hand and replaced them with his mouth, he pulled me into a one sided kiss.
He pulled down his sweatpants, from on top of me, and rubbed himself against me, my hands pushed against him, but he wasn't moving, I was helpless
Suddenly he pushed himself into me, without a warning. He let out a moan looking down at me. The tears just kept coming, my eyes were getting sore
The screams were silent, my hands were shaking from fear, the only thoughts that held my brain together were
Huey is gonna hate me for cheating..
Why me..?
How could God do this to me..
It didn't stop, he kept saying 'don't scream it will be okay, everything's okay'
'Everything's okay' that's all I could say, that's all that made sense, non of this made sense
"Please stop..It hurts" I cried out, he kissed his teeth and went faster, holding his hand over my mouth pressing down. My lips started to scrape against my teeth, the lump in my throat felt like I was suffocating
It was the kind of cry that made it feel like you were drowning, the kind of breakdown that happens and you get a bad headache as result, the kind where you want a hug, a gentle genuine hug. But who will be there
My parents were asleep, and it was just me and him..I thought he was my friend.. why would he do this?.
stop..no that's all my brain could process.
What would my mother think of me..
It kept breaking my heart the more it went on, I could believe it, I came into the world with peace and it gave me pain, more and more . The kind of pain that lays on your back, and nobody else has to carry it, you have to hold it til the finish line
There was a quit line, maybe I should take that. It was becoming to much, I digged my nails into my skin, into my palms, it went deep it could feel my veins.
The veins that held blood and love, the veins that felt lifeless. The restless life I have to live after this..
This was my second time ever doing anything like this, but the first time, it was gentle and sweet.
Oh Huey.. I can't leave the world like this.
I can't leave him, he needed me.
But what about me?.. i need me and I can't save me.
It was only up to me to defend myself and time and time again i let myself down, down to being picked on in elementary. Being teased and harassed by boys, not being a certain thing to fit in, and now this.
This blood bath, this pain.
The crying pain I can't swallow, a void of endless hurt.
I was drowning and nobody saved me.
I was snapped out my trance when a bright flashing light hurt my eyes, a camera. "What are you doing?" I sobbed, "shut up bro I'm just taking photos!" He said in a more aggressive way.
Finally it came to a stop, he got off me and sighed, laying next to me. "Did you have fun..?" He asked, I stayed silent, it was something I became good it. I grabbed the now ripped pink silk cloth, and covered myself with it.
I got up and grabbed the doorknob, unlocking it and turning the door open. "Hey, don't tell anyone, it's just me and you friend." He mumbled, I slipped through the door and closed it behind me.
I ran to my room quickly, I changed into a hoodie and black sweatpants, slipping on my bunny slippers, I opened my window, and jumped out. Not looking back
I ran and ran, not ever looking back, the destination seemed to be further, and it was not coming closer.
It was moving in slow mo, I reached The freeman's house, I brought my hand up to the door and was about to knock. I stopped myself
What was gonna tell him..? He would never believe me.
What if they laugh.
God what did I do, what do i do?!
I Fell to my knees, everything was spinning , I grabbed myself up, and ran away from the doorsteps, and just ran.
I ran for what seemed like forever, the tears never stopping and the guilt holding.
What would I do?. What is it that stops me from being me. What is it that I can't ever be happy
Someone has cursed me, someone dark. It was too much pain, too much worry.
I was too young for it to hurt this bad, it can't be like this.
I was so happy, why now when I just started to become someone.
Anyone to him, but I can't do it anymore, I made it to the park and sat on the cold bench, the wind blew strong, but my feelings and hurt blew harder.
It was my fault, my fault, my fault,my fault,my fault,my fault.
I wanted another chance to live, I finally had it and I let it run.
He took my pure kindness for granted, but I let him. I didn't say no. If I said no it was rape
I never said that, so now it just me cheating off Huey. It was me and all me
Please give me something, anything. The world spun in a circle, and I couldn't stop it
I held my head and screamed, but still nobody heard me, I felt my hands shaking, and I wanted to give up
Give up. Meaning let go
Let go meaning end.
A end. To the book the book with empty pages, the book that held hurt, no love
Who the hell would trust me, who could believe me
I gripped my knees and brought them to my chest, I had no one to tell, he made sure of that. He now has photos..
Photos..
Evidence that I slept with someone other than the love of my life
Why because I was stupid, I was dumb, I'm a dumb little naïve bitch, and it was honestly hilarious, they took it all, all the hope I had. Nobody wanted to see my happy, the only people that do aren't here to hear me
I couldn't even hear myself, nobody answered when I scream.
I'm crying out for help and nobody is saving me. It was just me. Me myself and I.
And neither could even help me.
It was an apocalypse of pain, it reminds me of a painting.
END OF FLASHBACK.
I opened my eyes feeling my eyelashes wet, I looked around and saw Huey, he was sleeping in the chair right next to me bed, I sighed.
He lifted his head and his eyes came to mine. "Your okay, are you feeling better?" He blabbed, I nodded. "You've been in your for a while. I was worried, what happened Princess." He asked
My lips were chained to evidence that could potentially end my life. I shook my head, I sat up. "But clearly something happened, your no longer yourself." He said in a much softer and sad tone
The same tone Rafeal tricked me with, what if Huey is the same..
Gosh too much.
"When am I able to leave?" I changed the subject. "Jasm- Huey, when can I leave?" I cut him off.
"When you wake up, so now.." he mumbled, I nodded getting off the bed and grabbed my clothes going to the bathroom, I changed. Finally acknowledging the scars on my chest.
I bit my lip, and walked out the bathroom, I made it back to the room, I grabbed my bag and left without saying a word to him.
It hurt to much to even be around him.
"Wait Jasmine!" I heard from behind me, I stopped and turned around to him. "Please tell me what happened to you.. please did I do something. I care so much and i need to help you." He apologized.
I scoffed feeling the tears drip down my face. "Please, Huey you can't help me. I can't even help myself, let it go...Everything's fine." I repeated Rafael's exact words. I walked off again leaving him
But was it okay?
I'm sorry y'all, I dead started crying while writing this, I didn't mean to make it so tense but it works.
I'm sorry in advance for the triggers, and please if you can relate to Jasmine's story, I am so so sorry. You don't deserve that.
I love you guys,
Should Jasmine tell Huey..?