We arrived back at the hotel at around ten at night, and the moment I came into my suite, I went straight for the shower, ran the water so hot it made me as red as a lobster, then I went to bed with my hair still wet and not tied up, which was a horrible idea since it would be a tangled mess when I woke up, but whatever. I wanted this day to be over.
My phone dinged again. Then rang. Then dinged again. I looked at it and saw six missed calls from Scott as well as a dozen messages left by him. I read through them all. He was worried about me. He told me not to go to bed yet so we could talk.
He sent me another message as I was looking at this in the dark, and my phone was extremely bright because of it. He said that he was back at the hotel and in the elevator.
I turned on the lamp on my bedside table, and when I pulled the covers off of myself and swung my bare legs off the bed, there was a knock at my door. He was here.
"I wish we could just talk tomorrow..." I mumbled, and my chest tightened. I went to the door and opened in, knowing I looked a mess in front of him. He had his hair down now, and he was in a blue t-shirt and black jeans. "Hey," I said.
"Hey. Sophia..."
I turned and walked into the room, and I knew I was only in blue booty sweat-shorts and a purple tank top that dipped a little, showing my cleavage that wasn't protected with a bra. My damp hair was covering that area, though. "I know you want to talk about today."
"Or about the last couple of hours. You left so fast, when I came back to the house, you were already gone. Why leave so quickly?"
"You know why."
He let out a sigh through his nose and shoved his hands into his pockets. I was facing him, but I tried not to look at him. "You know that was all acting, Sophia. We talked about that. And Rachael talked to you, too."
"I know. I know you all told me that, but..." Tears stung my eyes. "Gosh, this sucks. I don't like feeling hurt like this."
He came close to me but didn't touch me. "You don't have to be, Sophia. You don't have to be hurt."
"Easier said than done. Yeah, I know it was acting, I know that you and Rachael are good friends and that you love me and everything, but... it just hurt really bad seeing another man I came to love kissing another woman. It's as you said at the sanctuary... a kiss is a kiss."
He stared at me with sad eyes as mine were trying their best to hold in tears. "I get it, Sophia. I do. Brian broke your heart, and that scarred you. He was an ass. But that's not me."
I folded my arms over my hair and bust. "I know you're a good man, Scott. You're one of the best out there, it's just... I wonder if we went too fast. I went to fast with Brian, and got my heart broken. Now... I'm just scared this won't last."
"Sophia..." he started, but I spoke over him.
"The reality is, I'm just a normal girl who works on a film set. You're an actor who will go on to different far places to do great things and maybe kiss other women. I..."
I pressed my lips together as Scott nodded in understanding. "I get your fears and insecurities, Sophia. And I have them a bit, too. I wonder where this will lead, but I'm hopeful. I know that I'm not going to go after other women, and I have faith that you wouldn't go after another man. Right?"
"Yeah. Just... we only met not two weeks ago."
He took my shoulders, and the heat of his hands was like an iron on my skin. "That doesn't matter. Look at me." I did so, and I saw the disparity and sincerity in his slanted brown eyes. "I fell for you when I first saw you on that street, and those feelings only grew each time I saw you or talked to you after that. It was the same for you." I nodded. "Then let's just keep going."
He brought me into his arms, and I wound my arms around his back. He held me there in the dim light of the room, and I could feel his affection for me. It was palpable.
"I'm going to be in Ho Chi Minh for the next few days visiting family while the crew does scenes that I'm not in," he said. "I promise I'll call you as often as I can, okay? Or... I can call my uncle and tell him I'm staying here."
I shook my head. It was really that time for him to visit his family. He said it was a couple weeks away when I first met him. Time flew. "No, don't do that. I'm just being a baby here and worrying and being scared and..."
My voice cracked, and he held me tighter. "It's okay."
"Are you sure? Men don't like clingy women, and I'm definitely going to be clingy."
He snickered, to my surprise. "Hey, if you're wearing something like you are right now, I don't care if you're clingy in the least."
"Psht," I scoffed at his little joke. "That's not what I meant."
"I know. And I don't care."
"Are you serious? Brian left me since I was too clingy. It's cliché, but it's true. I just hate being away from my man."
"That's completely normal. And... how about you don't mention Brian again? Knowing what he did, hearing his name makes my teeth grind. Plus, it just makes you sad and makes you question a lot of things."
Hearing that was like a harpoon to my heart, even though he was saying it to help me. I came out of his hold and faced away from him and out the sliding door window, only I just saw my and his reflection since the light was on in the room and it was dark outside. Hot, stinging tears came to my eyes and fell. The truth of it all came to me and about pummeled me.
"I... maybe I'm not ready for another serious relationship," I managed in a rattly voice. I saw Scott's features sag in his reflection. "I'm not healed yet. I still have confidence and truth issues. Maybe... more time. Maybe..."
"Hold on, Sophia," Scott stopped me and came up behind me and put his hands on my shoulders again. "You're really not saying that we should stop this when it only just started, are you?"
I gulped hard. "Maybe... I am."
It was his turn to take the harpoon to the heart, and I could see it on his face in the window. He said thickly, "You don't want that. You know you don't."
He was trying to hold in emotion, and I was, too. "Maybe not, but I think it should happen. I was a sentimental idiot from the start."
I left him and went into the bathroom to get some toilet paper since all the tears were making my nose run. As I tore some off, I felt his presence in the doorway as I had my back to him.
"We both were sentimental idiots, Sophia. That's just what happens when people love each other. Please. We have something special here. Don't do this."
I blew my nose and threw the tissue away after. I turned around and saw that his brown eyes were bloodshot. "This goes a whole lot deeper. I have deep wounds. Scars."
"We all do. Let me help you overcome those things."
"You have been helping me, I just think I'm a lost cause. While those texts and pictures and that beach video helped, still... I'm a mess. I'm not confident." I walked on passed him, and he followed me. "Let's just stop this for now. I need to think."
He was silent for a moment as he stood behind me. His voice came out thick again, and it about tore my heart apart. "Do you mean stop this now or stop this for good?"
More hot tears leaked from my eyes, and they burned. My chest felt like it was tying into knots. "Go visit your family, and... we'll see. But knowing me, I won't be able to handle you being gone. If I can't handle you being gone for a few days, how would I handle you being away for months and in a different country?" My mind was all a jumble, and the only words that came from it next were, "For good. I don't want to take any chances."
"Sophia..."
I could hear the emotion in his voice. "Please, just..."
He stood directly behind me, and I felt his looming presence. "I love you, Sophia. I love you. That has to mean something."
"Of course it does," I snapped. "And I love you, I just need to step away. You're an actor and I'm a bumpkin. Now... could you please leave? We both need some sleep."
His hands dropped from my shoulders, and he let out a long sigh. "Okay. But I'm seeing you before I leave."
"I don't think that's wise."
"Okay. As you wish. Goodnight, Sophia."
He turned and left the room, and I collapsed onto my bed and started to cry. It had been a while since I cried myself to sleep.
~ ~ ~
He never showed up. Why would he? I told him not to. He sent me a text, though, saying that he was leaving and that he hoped that I felt better. He told me to try and be happy.
"I don't know if I'm doing the right thing..." I muttered as we were on the set again a day later. Ben Feldman arrived in Vietnam with his wife yesterday on Sunday, and we were doing the scenes with his character John in them, along with Amanda, while Scott was away. The scenes that had both him and Sinh in them would be done after Scott gets back, like the scene where Sinh finds out that new addition to the tour is Amanda's ex, as well as the scene where Amanda reveals her secret and shatters Sinh's heart. Sinh asks her if it was all business, and she says no, that what they had was real.
Was what Scott and I had real? It sure felt like it. Why else would I feel so rotten?
I stood off to the side as we were in this really pretty park in Da Nang, and Ben was talking with Steven, Rachael and a few other members of the crew. Ben's wife Michelle Mulitz was on the set as well, and she was speaking with them. She caught me looking at her, and she smiled. I managed a smile back as she laughed at something Rachael said.
For this scene, Amanda had to let John off easy and basically say that they were over. Essentially, he came all the way to Vietnam for nothing. He couldn't win Amanda back since she was in love with Sinh.
My stomach started to ache as they started filming, and I stood there, not doing my job, as I was sitting down on a bench in the park. Maybe I should tie my hair back just in case I unexpectedly hurl. Why was I feeling so sick all of a sudden? It could be lack of sleep. I hardly got any sleep at all the past couple of nights, nor had I eaten that much. I still hadn't texted back any of Scott's texts or returned his calls.
"Excuse me," I heard near me in English. I had learned the Vietnamese term for it recently. I saw Ben's wife Michelle standing there, and she looked so pretty wearing a loose white blouse with blue skinny jeans and heeled sandals. Her straight, brown hair was also down to her shoulders.
"Oh, hello," I said.
"May I join you?"
"Of course."
She sat next to me on the bench facing the pretty park and gave me a kind smile. "I'm Michelle. It's a pleasure to meet you."
We shook hands. "Sophia O'Shea. I'm a member of set production."
"I see. You must've loved it here the past couple of weeks."
"You have no idea. It's been amazing here. Well, up until recently, but that's a long story. Well, maybe not that long. Nevermind. So, I'm from LA. Is that were you guys came from?"
"Indeed. Ben was so excited to get here. This is like a second honeymoon for us."
I smiled as people bustled about in the park, mainly the film crew, and birds chirped in the trees. "That's so wonderful. This place really is magical. I've been to so many amazing places, met amazing people, ate some amazing food..." She chuckled at that. "Also..."
I knew she could see the blush enter my cheeks. "You met someone. Well, might as well when you're in a foreign country, right? So, tell me... who is he? A native?"
I saw the interest all over her face. "No, but..." I dug my hands in between my legs. I had skinny jeans on just like Michelle. "Well, no, he's not. He's came from LA like me. But he's Vietnamese."
"Oh, I see. Is he a member of the crew? I saw a few men on the crew who could be around your age who are Vietnamese-American."
"Technically, he is that, yes, a member of the crew, but..." I wouldn't tell her straight out who this man really was. "Well, things went sour between us, and... I don't think the relationship will last. I'm pretty hurt about it, but life goes on, I guess."
Her hazel eyes saddened and she placed a warm, soft hand on my arm. "Oh, honey, I'm sorry. And I'm so sorry for prying."
I shook my head. "No, no. Really, I haven't told anyone about the breakup, if you can call it that. It's just... things happened in my past that scarred me, and I'm just afraid that they'll happen again, even if this man vows he won't do anything to hurt me. He left yesterday to visit family here in the country, and he's getting back two mornings from now. I just don't know where we'll sit. I hurt him pretty badly the night before he left, when I told him we should stop what was going on with us." I looked over at her, at her kind eyes, and I realized what I did. "Gosh, I'm sorry. I didn't mean to pour my heart out to you after we literally just met."
She shook her head and gave me a sweet smile. "It's totally okay. I'm a good listener. And, if I could help in any way... I don't know the details of you and this special man, but it sounds to me like you're afraid of something new. Things in your past scarred you, but it doesn't mean they can't heal."
"Scars don't heal, though. They leave a mark."
"Yeah, but we learn from the experience. That's the mark they leave. They don't dominate us."
I nodded, processing that. "I haven't thought about that before. But... still..." I should just tell her. "Okay, he's an actor. And he's going off after this to do other things, and I hate the thought of being away from him."
"So you thought it would just be easier to get through his absence by not being in a relationship with him at all?"
I thought about that for a second. "It sounds completely ridiculous when you put it that way, but yeah. Maybe that makes me a coward."
"You're not a coward, honey, you're just scared. I say, when he gets back from his trip, talk it out some more. And..." She leaned in and asked quietly, "May I ask who this man is? I have an idea..."
"Who's your idea?"
"A certain male lead to this movie that I heard isn't here because he's off in the capital visiting family, and who I heard is off to Thailand after this movie wraps to film a TV show."
I nodded. She hit the nail on the head. But I made it kind of easy for her with my hints. "You got it. And... I have to say, he's the most amazing man I've met, and he's Asian, and I love Asian things. It's just..."
"I get it. Just talk to him, hm? Work things out. When I was dating Ben, we did that all the time, and we still do it. You just can't put on the breaks every time a hiccup comes along."
We both noticed someone coming our way. It was the very man we were talking about. "Hey, there you are," he said to his wife, and he looked over at me and smiled. "Hi, there."
"This is my new friend Sophia," said Michelle. "She a member of the set production team."
"Is that right?" He held his hand. "Nice to meet you. I'm Ben."
"It's a pleasure, really. I have to get used to meeting all these actors. You would think I've already met some since I'm from LA."
"Oh, really?" Ben asked. "What part?"
I toughed it out as we headed back to the set, and we three talked about LA, and then shortly thereafter, the scene started to be filmed. As I was watching Ban and Rachael act out the scene, I thought about what Michelle told me...
My past scars were there to help me learn, not dwell on, and I shouldn't run when I just felt a tad insecure. Scott seemed like the perfect man for me. Should I still push him away just because he would be away working sometimes? Was it worth it?
~ ~ ~
The next morning, I called my supervisor and told him wasn't going to work. I needed more sleep, and I still felt sick, even though I started eating again. In fact, eating made it worse. By around seven in the evening, I was feeling sick to my stomach. As I lay in bed, my phone went off, and it was the video call ringtone. I looked at it and saw that it was Brittany. She didn't know what happened since the countryside. She only knew that Scott and I got together, not that we broke up.
I was sure in for it.
I answered her call, and she commented on my state. I told her truth. It all spilled out of me like water off a waterfall. When I was through telling her about Michelle's and my conversation, she said something that I didn't expect her to say, like I was crazy out of my mind to let him go...
"Honey, you know yourself best."
"But am I doing the right thing?" I asked as I lay on my side in bed, and I held my phone out in front of me. "I really don't want to get hurt again."
"Just do what Michelle told you to do and talk to him again. I think he just took all that drama after you guys got back from the country as you being emotional and hurt from you seeing him kiss another woman. It just brought back memories of Brian. He isn't Brian. He's Scott."
I gulped hard. "But... he's leaving to Thailand after this..."
"Yes, and then he's going to back to LA where you will be. Just be patient and have some faith. Okay? That man's crazy in love with you. He thinks you're beautiful, sexy and wonderful. You need that after Brian. You need a man who promises you he won't cheat on you."
"Brian made that promise once..." I mumbled grudgingly.
"But Scott isn't Brian, Soph. How many times do I have to say it? Get outta this rut and run to the man of your dreams. At least, when he comes back from seeing his family. When's he getting back?"
"Tomorrow morning, then we're going to work on some final scenes for the movie."
"Okay, then. Tomorrow morning it is. Talk to him then."
My phone suddenly filled with the caller screen. I bolted up in bed. "Oh my gosh, he's calling me!"
"Talk about timing. I'll go now so you can talk to him. And remember, he's not going to hurt you like Brian. Scott is a good man, and I look forward to meeting him. Love you, Soph. And work this out."
She ended the call, and I took another second to decide to answer Scott. The call cut when I waited too long. Should I call him back? Yes? No?
Knocking sounded on the door, making my heart jump. "Golly..." I exasperated and got out of bed. It was probably Cass checking on me. I went to the door, expecting to see my friend, but who I saw instead made my gasp. "Oh my gosh! You're back already?"
"I am. I wanted to get back as soon as possible. I guess I should've expected you not to pick up the phone."
I all of a sudden felt self-conscious because of my appearance. I tightened my messy bun. "I was, but I didn't make it in time."
"Really?"
Of course he would be doubtful since I hadn't responded to him at all in the past few days. "I don't know. Um, come in. I'm sorry it's a mess in here. I've been here all day, stomach sick and tired."
"Oh, no... I'm sorry. Are you feeling at all better?"
I turned around to face him, and it was almost irritating how attractive he was with his hair down and in his usual attire of slacks and a t-shirt. The grey material hugged his chest, making his muscles visible.
"Um," I began, attempting to focus. "Well, for the most part, I guess. I certainly look sick since I'm a mess at the moment." Honestly, I was probably making myself sick with this whole situation.
He smirked cutely and stepped up to me. "You're beautiful."
"You're just saying that..."
"Right. I'm just saying that because it's true."
I managed a smirk, but it disappeared. We had to talk again. "Scott... I did a lot of thinking, and... I still don't know. I received a lot of advice from different people. They were saying that my past scars are there to learn from, not dwell on, and even you said to not let people see my insecurities. It's just difficult." I met his gaze, and I saw that his expression wasn't hurt or pained, but gentle. "So... I don't know what to do."
He nodded. "Well... if you want to think about it some more, I'm not going to stop you. Look, we both were emotional wrecks the other night when we were doing that kissing scene. You didn't want to see me kiss someone else and I didn't want you to see me kiss someone else. The tension was high, especially after we came back to the hotel. I think we both needed a few days to gather our thoughts."
I folded my arms over my chest, over my CSU t-shirt. "I think so. You had a good time with your family?"
"I did. It was a lot of fun. They gave me some helpful words as well."
"Like what?"
He took a step up to me, and his gaze bore into me. He said in that alluring tone, "Love her. Just love her. And give her space when she needs it. Am I going to give you that space?"
I loved this man so much, and he loved me, but I still needed to sort my thoughts out. I nodded, and in turn, he did as well, but he wasn't happy about it.
"Okay. You let me know when you've gathered your thoughts. Hopefully it's before we leave Vietnam. I think I may go insane if I go to Thailand and you're still not talking to me."
Me, too. "I'll try. And... we're not broken up. Just..."
"I know. Pausing." He leaned in and kissed my temple. "I'll see you tomorrow, okay?"
He was so sweet. "Okay. And... I really did miss you. A lot."
"I missed you a lot, too. I love you."
He gave me one last smirk then left my suite. Something told me that he wasn't smiling as soon as he exited my suite. In fact, I wouldn't be surprised if he was frowning until I stopped being stupid and just ran into his arms.