"Everyone gets a partner." Mrs. Sandra stands up and her patients follow. "We'll call it the buddy system, so no one gets lost or wanders off."
Her superiors came up with the idea that getting outside would help open us up to talk, so now we do our meetings in the large fenced-in yard. I didn't mind after all sunlight came in rare doses around here and I liked to soak it up whenever they allowed.
May walk across the room and positions herself behind me. I guess my meltdown didn't scare her away, I'm surprised considering I told her I was going to suck the light out of her. Maybe she was crazier than I thought, and she was drawn to things that could hurt her.
If I was in her white mental health slippers I would have run as far as I could. I peek down at her through hooded lids, she was a good bit shorter than me so I could see the top of her head, the top side of her long thick eyelashes, and could look down her straight small nose.
"You aren't running from me yet?" I ask in a whisper so that everyone else couldn't hear.
She glances up at me. She places her hand over her heart and then places her other palm over mine. My body heats at her soft touch. I place my hand over hers, running my index finger over her cool skin, savoring her shivers.
I know what she's trying to tell me, but I refuse to believe it. Her pain calls to mine.
No one knows this pain festering inside of me, no one knows how serious it is. How out of control this hysteria makes me.
The thought reminds me of the book that I've read half of, I planned to gift it to May but it's taking me a little longer to read it than I bargained for. It's about a woman that controls the weather with her emotions, and I've just got to the part where she's started struggling with keeping them in control. I understand why Dr. Wilson gave it to me now, he sees a resemblance between the main character and myself.
"We're not the same," I say to her before removing her hand from my chest. The things she's been through are something I never want to imagine, but everyone's pain is their own and I'll never understand how she feels on the inside just like she'll never understand the war my brain is waging on itself.
It's not the same.
I turn to walk out the door seeing as only a few people are left inside, but she grabs my wrist and spins me around. Her eyes are scolding, and she pokes my chest roughly. I can't help but smile down at the ball of sunshine turning into a ball of flame as she gets riled up. Her cheeks grow to that shade of red I love, and I can't help but run my knuckle over the heated skin.
Her angry face falls and she looks perplexed as I approach the door and walk out.
She follows shortly after, and we catch up to the rest of the group.
"Now that everyone is here. I want each group to bring me something that they find beautiful." The yard was fenced in, so the nurses didn't have to worry about the patients running away. The thick green grass was slightly overgrown probably hiding all kinds of bugs under it. What would Mrs. Sandra do if one of her group members brings her back a spider?
It's hard for me not to find humor in these group meetings because they seem so pointless to me, talking about my feelings with a group of strangers isn't going to cure this hole inside of my chest. It's not going to do anything but let the beast loose and I'll end up with bloody knuckles because there is no one around here for me to take my anger out on other than myself.
May grabs onto my fingers, her hand so small in mine. She tugs me along with her and I struggle to keep up. I spot a couple of the nurses smiling to themselves at May's brazen show of trust. Once she gets a good distance away from everyone, she starts looking around for something that she finds beautiful. I would lie if I said I wasn't curious about what she was going to pick.
I start looking around to find something of my own, but her presence is all consuming and I can barely take my eyes off of her as she runs her fingers along the base of a tree.
She looks like a foreign creature out in the open. In her white clothes with her black hair contrasting so harshly with it.
A group of new nurses start walking this way being led by the blonde nurse that showed me to my room on the first day. Three of them were men and I spot May rushing over to me, as she eyes them carefully. My heart swells in my chest at the feeling of purpose she makes me feel.
If I wasn't here, who would she run to? Would she just hide behind the tree until they passed by? Would she risk feeling uncomfortable?
They walk by us some of them staring relentlessly, probably trying to guess how crazy we are but there is one of the men that let his gaze run over May with a hint of lust and I see red. I start to walk towards him but May grabs my wrist and tugs me back to her.
I look into her blue eyes, and she shakes her head letting me know it's not worth it. I glance back at the man that has already turned his attention away from my shadow.
An emotion other than protectiveness swirls dangerously in my chest. Jealousy? Not quite. Possessiveness? Most definitely.
A thought, dangerous as it was, was stuck in my head that made no sense.
She's mine.
Only mine.
I'm keeping her.
I may be messed up in the head right now, but I knew that those thoughts were out of control and needed to be ripped away from me before they took on a life form and I started to act on them. She's not mine.
I wince at the thought.
Like the thought of her being with anyone else, the thought of her following around another man rips me apart.
I tug out of her hold and begin my search for something beautiful again, needing something to distract myself from my scary thoughts. It's not too long after I start my search that I find a butterfly wing, nearly black and it makes me think of the first note that May left me. Saying that she missed the rain.
Most of all it reminded me of her in general and she was beautiful. I pick up the wing and even though it's broken it's the most beautiful thing out here. It has a story, just like my shadow.
May comes walking toward me with what looks to be a rock in her hand. I make a huffing sound unwillingly. I can't help but notice that I picked something that resembled her while she picked something that resembled me.
I wonder if that rock is hollow on the inside.
She smiled when she sees the butterfly wing, I thought she might find it repulsing considering it did belong to an alive creature at one point in time, but she seems in awe of it. Studying it closely, no doubt noting all of the dark orange colors framed by black.
She touches it gently as if she was scared it would crumble from her fingertips. "Beautiful. " I whisper the words and I'm glad she assumes I'm talking about the butterfly because I didn't want to explain to her that I wanted to drag her back to the group and throw it all in their face that I found the most beautiful thing in the yard, even in the world.
We walk back, we're one of the last ones and everyone sits in a circle on the grass.
"Okay so now I want everyone to share what they picked and why." She starts with Augie who paired up with Mrs. Sandra since May went with me.
He holds up a big leaf the color of wood. "I think this is beautiful because it's the color of my cat at home." He finishes his sentence with a giggle and a head throwback.
Everyone holds up their item until it's mine and May's turn.
She holds up her rock and does a little shake everyone already knowing that she isn't going to speak, I wish she would, so I knew why exactly she picked it.
I hold up the butterfly wing carefully. "I picked it because it has a story."
A story that reminded me of my shadow.
~.~.~.~.~.~
When I finally get to my room after helping Augie paint again, I spot a note on my bed. It's only half of a butterfly this time, like my wing.
My fingers excitedly slide over the paper, curious as to what she could have said this time.
"The rock was beautiful because it's weathered storm after storm and it's still here."