thank you for all the love on this fic <3 I'm really enjoying writing it and seeing how much you guys are into it. I was honestly worried that this was my lamest idea yet but you've all made me feel a lot better about it :3
Also, sorry if the start of this chapter is underwhelming after the cliffhanger lol
For a moment, I'm paralysed with the fear that he's going to confront me, and I'm going to have to either tell him the truth in front of Dawn, or lie about who she is. I hold my breath for the second that he holds my eye contact, heart pounding. Then he turns away, and walks off, back turned to us, and I blow out the breath.
"Yikes. Even I felt that tension." Dawn shakes her head, shivering. "I can't believe Red is actually here."
"You and me both," I sigh. I haven't really encountered Goh properly since, so I have no idea how my brain will sort through the fact that they are one and the same.
"I still have two hours before my train," she says, checking her phone. "Are you gonna show me around, or what?"
I open my mouth to tell her there isn't much to show her beside shops and ugly buildings, but I see the sparkle in her eyes, and realise she's just trying to distract me to keep me from slipping back under, just like she has been the whole time we've been sat here. I swallow hard and nod, standing, and lead her out into the street.
— — — —
Mercifully, we don't come across Goh as we wander the city. My heart lifts with every second spent with Dawn, and when I'm standing on the train platform as her train slowly comes to a stop, I find myself choking back tears to see her go. She turns to give me a long hug, whispering some words of encouragement in my ear before giving me one last smile and racing for the open doors of the carriage.
Alone again, I glance at my phone, but no one's messaged me. I hadn't expected them to, not when I'd ignored them all week. I blow out a breath and start the ascent up out of the train station.
At the top of the steps, standing in the cold, I call Goh. My heart hammers against my ribs the whole time, rising up into my throat, fear threatening to paralyse me, but... He doesn't answer.
Can we talk? I send, my first message to him in a week. I have no idea whether to expect a response or not. I'd deserve it if he decided to ignore me back. I stick my phone back in my pocket and start the walk back to the flat. I barely make it twenty steps before my phone pings.
I rush to open the text. I'm at the park.
I swallow hard, pushing back my nerves at the invitation to meet him. Well, at least he's not shutting me out. It's a good sign that he might be willing to listen to me explain, but... Once he hears the explanation, things might take a turn for the worst. Hands shaking, it takes a lot more effort than it should to write back: Okay. I'll be there in ten minutes.
I force myself to start moving again, ignoring the roaring thoughts in my brain and the panic gathering in my chest, keeping my eyes trained ahead until the entrance to the park comes into view, the line of trees spreading out into the distance. I start to think I should have asked him which specific part of the park he's at, when I spot him, leaning against a tree like he's waiting for me.
He notices me as I cross over to him, and his face gives away nothing. I know my own isn't as calm- he can probably see every emotion written all over my face. It gets harder and harder to breathe with every step, until I'm just a few feet away from him for the first time in days, and every sane thought vanishes from my brain, replaced with the memory of him sitting in my lap, his lips on mine-
"Hi," he says, a little sharply.
"Hi," I say awkwardly, shifting my weight. He stares at me coldly.
"Who was that you were with?" He asks casually. I bite the inside of my cheek. Can he see how nervous I am?
"My best friend," I answer. "From home."
"I didn't know she went to uni here, too," he says, furrowing his brows. I'm surprised he's talking so casually to me, even if he's gone back to his original, cold self.
"She doesn't. She got the train here to... Check on me." I wait to see if he reacts, but he doesn't.
"Why?" He asks, and I'm not sure what he's referring to, until he speaks again. "Why have you been ignoring us? Ignoring me?" I can see it, then. The pain, sparkling behind his eyes. I swallow back the guilt and shake my head.
"I- I shut down. I reacted badly, and I shut you out because I'm scared. I'm sorry, Goh. I shouldn't have done that to you."
"Reacted badly to what? The kiss?" He asks incredulously, looking offended.
"No," I say quickly. I can't breathe. Red- That's Red, stood in front of me. The moment I let myself think about it, all the love I've been burying surges forward, overwhelming me.
"Then what?"
I focus on my breathing, making myself calm down. I owe him this. I owe him this truth, and I owe myself this closure. I sigh and reach into my pocket, pulling out my phone. Goh's face twists in confusion as I unlock it, and go to open the email. I hesitate, just for a second, realising this might be the last moment we'll ever be civil with one another, then hand him the phone.
He takes it from me slowly, like he's afraid. His eyes move down to look at the screen, and I watch them flick across the screen once. I brace myself for whatever storm is coming as his eyes widen, his jaw falling open a little, as he realises what he's reading. His hands start to shake, so badly he almost drops my phone, and he barely looks at it for more than ten seconds before he looks back up at me.
"What- How do you have this?" He asks, his voice quivering. I open my mouth to answer, but the words die in my throat, killed by the pain on his face. I can't speak, not with the lump in my throat, not with my chest constricting so painfully. "How... How do you have this?" He repeats, quieter, and I know that he knows.
"I'm so sorry," I manage to say. "I didn't know."
He starts shaking his head, taking a step back from me. My heart cracks open. "That isn't possible."
His eyes have gone distant. I can't stand the expression on his face. I almost take a step forward, but then he passes my phone back to me, avoiding my eyes. I take it, looking down at him, but he won't look at me. "Goh."
He doesn't respond. I take that step forward. "Red."
His eyes flick up to mine finally. "Don't call me that," he snaps. I recoil a little, wounded, but he just glares at me, his eyes searching my face like he's seeing me for the first time. I take a deep breath, steadying myself.
"Let me explain."
He shakes his head, and starts backing up. "No-"
"We live together," I say, exasperated. "We can't ignore each other."
"Really? Cause you've done a good job of that this week."
I curse, realising my slip up. "That's not- Goh, please. I l-"
"Leave me alone," he says, and turns on his heel, storming off. I freeze, debating whether to follow him or not. Every step he takes away from me makes my chest tighten more and more, until it physically hurts, and he disappears from view. I curse, running a hand through my hair.
I told him. I text Dawn, then lean back against the same tree he was leaning against, wondering what the next move is. Clearly, he didn't take the news very well, but... I can't blame him. I took it so badly that I shut myself in my room for a week and ignored almost everyone in my life. Only today was I pulled out of that mess, and I am still a mess inside, but now I feel nothing but the resolve to fix this. I have to fix this, because the alternative... I can't bear to think about it.
Dawn immediately calls me. I've only been away from her for twenty minutes.
"How did it go?" She asks without greeting me first.
"Bad," I sigh. "He stormed off."
"And you didn't follow him?"
"No. He was fuming." I glance in the direction he left in. He must have been going back to the flat. "I figured I better give him some space."
"I guess. What else did he say?"
"I called him Red and he told me to never call him that again," I say, feeling my throat close up, but I won't let myself crumble again. I have to be the strong one now.
"Maybe because he wanted to leave Red in the past when he sent you that email?" She suggests. "Maybe he should just be Goh to you now."
I hum, considering it. Maybe she's right. I probably shouldn't call him that anymore. Besides, he is Goh to me now. He's still the person that I've gotten to know over the last month. It's just that now, he's Red too. It'll take a while to really process that, but... Now that I'm not numbing myself, and blocking out the thoughts, I can start.
I finish the brief conversation with Dawn and hang up. I want to give Goh at least a little bit of time before I attempt to talk to him again, but I don't want to go back to my room. I'm not sure it's a good idea for me to crawl back into bed and mope, even if that's what I want to do, so I open my phone and text Serena, asking if she wants to meet me at the park.
Twenty minutes later, she shows up with the others, and they race over to me, taking up the rest of the spaces at the picnic bench I claimed. As soon as I spot them, the guilt washes over me again, but none of them look angry, just... relieved. Serena plops down beside me, grinning. "Look who decided to come back to the land of the living."
"I brought a picnic," Cilan says, holding up an actual picnic basket. I almost cry again, just at the kindness I don't deserve.
"We thought you might need it," May adds, already trying to get into the basket, Cilan swatting her away with his hand.
"Sorry," I sigh. "For ignoring all of you this week."
"It's okay. As long as you're feeling okay," Serena says, and I realise she's waiting for confirmation. I nod.
"I think so, yeah."
"Good." She grins. "Now I need to catch you up on May's antics this week."
"Don't talk about me like I'm not here," she whines, already chewing on a sandwich. Serena just shoots her a wicked grin and starts explaining about her new boyfriend, Drew, and how much of an asshole she thinks he is. I keep glancing at May, wondering if that upsets her, but she just rolls her eyes and grins. I'm happy to just sit there and listen, and it hits me just how much I've missed interacting with them. I think this last week is the longest I've gone without spending time with at least one of my friends, ever.
We sit there for at least an hour. I feel bad for Goh, probably sitting in his room left out, sorting through the truth I've thrown at him, but it would do no good to message him, so I don't. Instead I make myself busy, keeping away from the flat all day, figuring that's the only thing I can do for him for now.
After spending the night in a bar, nursing my drinks so I won't get drunk, I walk back to the flat with Cilan and Serena, the only two that didn't leave to do their own thing at some point. I glance at my phone, seeing it's midnight, and Goh hasn't messaged me. I'm not surprised, but I'd been holding onto some stupid hope that he might forgive me quickly.
I say goodnight to them as they head into their rooms, but I pause outside my own door. I haven't bothered going to the kitchen at night for a week, and I find myself wondering if Goh still goes to sit in there. It might not be right to ambush him, but... I glance at the door, and see the pale light from the TV filtering out through the glass. My breath hitches. He's in there.
I take a deep breath and head over, pushing open the door. Goh looks up as I enter, his eyes going icy cold. He barely looks at me for a second before turning back to the TV. I look too, seeing he's watching Grey's Anatomy. I stand there for a few seconds, the air thick with tension between us.
"I didn't know you watched this," I say, daring a glance at him. His eyes shutter, and he looks at me warily. I hold his gaze, wanting him to see every emotion I'm feeling on my face. After ten seconds, he speaks.
"Was that Dawn?"
"Yes."
He huffs a humourless laugh. "Suppose I don't need to wonder what she looks like anymore either then."
I chew on my lip, my heart sinking. "Can we talk, Goh? I mean, really talk."
He looks down into his lap, hurt flashing across his face. I know how bad he's hurting, because I've faced it. Twice. Once when he blocked me, and then again when I got that last damn email. "Everyone was with you all day," he says. I blink, confused. He glares up at me then, brows knitted together. "You're a people person, and I'm not. Everyone loves you. They always have. Look at how they all rally around you as soon as you're back like you haven't just ignored us all for a week. Look at how they take your side, like you're the hurt one."
My jaw hangs open a little, his words sticking in my chest like a knife. I don't even understand why he's bringing that up. He's hurt, I think. And he's trying to hurt you back. He doesn't mean it. But that last line... I frown, crossing my arms. "You're not the only one hurting, Goh. Why do you think I shut myself in?"
"Oh yeah, and it must have been so hard for you, while you left me in the dark about this," he says, starting to raise his voice. "Forgive me if I don't feel sorry for you."
Each word lands like a blow. "I'm sorry," I say, my words sharp. "I should have told you right away. But now you're angry that I have told you. What is it that you want me to do?"
"I don't know. Go back to ignoring me," he says, waving a hand at me. I bristle at that dismissal, feeling my temper rise, blocking out the rest of my senses.
"You blocked me," I raise my voice. "You just cut me off with no warning."
"You wanted me to be a girl!" He shouts, and my whole body goes cold. Well, there it is. We stare at each other, my chest rising and falling heavily, his own mirroring mine.
"I didn't," I say, as calmly as I can manage. "It was a mistake." I decide not to mention that he also said he wanted me to be a boy, because he's clearly angry, and it's not worth making that worse right now.
"I lose everyone now," he hisses. "They're all going to be on your side. I've got no one. No one ever likes me enough."
"There are no sides, Goh," I yell. "They don't even know about it. They like you, too. If that's what you're worried about, then you're being stupid."
"Get out."
His words are so cold that they stop me. I blink at him, but he won't look back at me.
"Come on, Goh-"
"Get out," he shouts, and I sigh through my nose, turning quickly and storming out before I lose my cool. I can only pray the others didn't hear any of that as I open and slam my door. I shouldn't be angry at him, not really, but he's being unfair. I don't want there to be sides. I don't want the rest of our flatmates to have to pick between us. I definitely don't know that they'd all choose me if it came down to it, but he seems to think so. It shouldn't have to come to that, though. Can he really not be civil with me enough to keep that from happening?
No. I won't let it come to that. All I can do is keep reaching my hand out and hoping that he'll take it.
— — — —
Goh ignores me for the rest of the weekend. I call him several times, hoping he'll decide to pick up eventually, but he doesn't. I sit in the kitchen almost constantly, thinking he'll have to face me eventually, but it's like he's gone, because he doesn't come in at all.
On Monday, I learn why.
I leave my room early, wanting to grab breakfast before I head out for a lab I have to attend, and spot Serena, standing outside Goh's door. I blink, but she's just standing there, staring into his room, her face slack. Confused, I walk over, coming up beside her, and I turn to look inside-
It's empty. I blink again, and a sudden realisation washes over me, making my blood run cold. Beside me, Serena makes a small choking noise. "Do you think he didn't like us?"
"What happened?" I ask, turning to her.
"He transferred to a different flat. Asked the office to move him... I don't understand why."
Fuck. I really didn't think he'd take it this far, but maybe I should have seen this coming. He thinks everyone's going to 'take my side', so he removes himself from the equation before they can. He's giving up, taking himself away from the situation, both so he doesn't have to see me, and because he doesn't want to deal with everyone else, too. I feel the hope in my chest start to fizzle out. Clearly, he's done with me.
"It's my fault," I say, sighing. "We fell out."
"Why?" She asks, twisting her face.
I have no way to answer that. "It's a long story. Did he text you?"
"Mhm." I see her throat bob, and her eyes fill with tears. "We're supposed to be practising for a figure skating competition together."
I shake away the thoughts that come along with the words figure skating. I ignore the fact that, if I didn't already know, that might have given it away anyway. "Can you get him to tell you which flat he's in?"
"Maybe," she says, pulling her phone out. She starts typing something, and I don't have time to ask her not to mention me before she presses send. She sees the fear in my eyes. "I didn't say I was asking for you."
I blow out a breath. "Okay. Thank you." I look back into the empty room again, devoid of all his things. "I can't believe he took it this far."
"Yeah." Her eyebrows shoot up. "You guys must have really fallen out."
I almost laugh. "You have no idea."
— — — —
Serena informs me later on that Goh opted not to tell her which flat he was in. Unsurprised, but a little pissed off, I asked her to let me know when she was going for figure skating practice. She gave me a sceptical look, debating the idea, but then sighed and said she would let me know. It's the only time I could really intercept him, and even though I know I should probably leave it alone, and not spring myself on him in public, he's not really giving me much choice.
So another few days pass. I keep looking out for Goh in the street, and in the windows of cafés, but of course it's not that easy. For some reason, he doesn't block my number, but doesn't reply to any of my texts either.
In three days it'll be Halloween. The entire flat is attending a party at a club, and Serena informed us that she'd planned a group costume for us. The idea scared me a little, but she insisted that she'd give me at least three days' notice, and that she'd plan everything for us, so we didn't have to worry about it.
When she calls us into the kitchen, I know we're about to see what she has planned. A coil of dread settles in my stomach as I enter and see Clemont and Cilan sitting nervously on the sofas, and Serena stood front and centre, a big grin on her face. I groan and throw myself down beside Clemont. I'm not at all in the mood for dressing up for Halloween, but I didn't have the heart to tell her that when she was clearly so excited, and now I'm stuck in this situation.
"Out with it," Cilan says with a sigh.
"Okay," Serena says, clasping her hands together. "So we're going as... The Scooby Doo gang!"
She shouts it like we're going to scream in joy. Instead we all blink at her, and I cross my arms over my chest, dreading which character she's going to make me be. She scowls, particularly at me. "You could at least fake excitement."
I make an obviously fake noise of excitement and shake my hands, smirking at her, but she just rolls her eyes. Cilan shifts awkwardly on the sofa. "Which one am I?"
"Shaggy," she says with a wicked grin. Cilan sinks back into the sofa like he wants it to eat him alive. "And you're Scooby," she says to Clemont. His face is a picture- it almost looks like he's going to cry, but she doesn't seem to notice. He definitely drew the short straw here, and I think he might have argued if it was anyone but her.
She reaches down into a bag she has at her feet and pulls out a ginger wig and starts loosely fitting it on her head. To her credit, it looks real. Even with the lack of effort. She pushes a purple headband into it and smiles.
"I guess I'm Fred," I say. I suppose it's the best outcome, but... If she pulls out a ridiculous blonde wig, that might be the final straw.
"Of course," she says, but then frowns. "But I couldn't find a good wig for you."
She says it like I'm going to be disappointed. "Trust me, that's fine," I sigh.
"So May's Velma?" Cilan asks.
"No." Serena bites her lip, looking directly at me. "She couldn't come."
"Well that sucks. So we have no Velma?"
"We do." She hesitates, and I see her swallow hard. "Goh said he'd come."
My heart stops dead in my chest. "What?"
She shrugs. "I asked on the off chance that he might want to come, and... he said yes. So he's Velma. He just asked me to make sure his costume wasn't ugly."
Hope blooms in my chest. Well, at least he's agreed to be in the same building as me. That has to be a good sign. I'll get to see him in a few days, and maybe then we'll be able to sort things out. Sure, it'll be ridiculous to do it as he's dressed as Velma, for God's sake, but it's better than nothing. Besides, thinking about what the costume might look like... I shake the thoughts away.
She starts handing us our costumes. She hovers as she holds out mine, though. Cilan and Clemont are talking amongst themselves, laughing loudly at the actual bodysuit of Scooby that Clemont's being forced to wear, so they don't seem to notice when she whispers to me.
"I told him you weren't coming."
The hope cracks and withers away again. "You- Why?"
"He wouldn't have come. He thinks Clemont is Fred, and May is Scooby."
"He really thinks May would agree to that?" I ask, masking my sorrow with humour. Serena laughs a little. "He's gonna be angry at you for that."
She nods, biting her lip again. "I know. I just hope you two can work things out."
I don't know how to tell her that there's very little chance of that.
— — — —
I don't think I've ever been as grateful as I am for the fact that Serena couldn't find a blonde wig for me. Staring at myself in the mirror, I already think I look ridiculous enough. Thankfully, she swapped out the blue flares for a pair of light blue cargo pants that actually don't look half bad, but I still have to wear the long-sleeve white sweatshirt, with a blue dress shirt underneath. She even gave me the orange necktie, but I don't put it on for now, instead stuffing it on one of the pockets in the pants, hoping she won't notice.
When I head to the kitchen, it's impossible to stop myself from laughing at the sight of Clemont in the Scooby suit. My laughter seems to start up Cilan, too, whose Shaggy costume is honestly not much better. It takes at least a full minute for us to calm down enough to be able to speak.
Serena stands off to the side, arms crossed over her chest, trying to seem serious, but I can see the effort not to laugh in her face. She's wearing a tight, short purple dress and no tights, her bare legs out, but covered up to her knees in tight pink latex boots. She even has the green scarf around her neck, thrown back over her shoulder.
We're heading off early tonight, at just eight, because Serena wants to be there for when the party starts. I can't help but wish we could have had a drink or two here first, so I wouldn't be so damn nervous about seeing Goh, but I suppose it's probably best to face him sober first anyway.
So, when we finally stop cry-laughing at Clemont, Serena ushers us out of the flat, and we get in a taxi to go meet Goh.