I glanced down at my phone's stopwatch function.
Thirty minutes.
Resolving to at least finish running past that red maple tree about twenty feet away, I pushed through the aching in my lungs and the pain in my legs to jog a bit faster. My own footfalls were so satisfying to hear as my shoes hit the ground.
When I finally made it, I slowed to a walk and panted to my heart's content. Although the cold air almost pierced my lungs, I was thankful that it made exercising that much more comfortable.This early in the morning—the sun hadn't risen yet—the campus grounds were quiet save for the footsteps of a few other joggers.
I had been feeling so restless lately, my sleep quality had plummeted. I woke up at 6:00 a.m. and couldn't go back to sleep. I tried to read a novel I was in the middle of, but I couldn't focus on the story. In the end, after more tossing and turning, I threw on some exercise gear and headed downstairs for a jog, hoping it would energize me.
Some light entered the sky, bits of orange creeping into the dark blue. I strolled back to the large red maple tree from earlier and leaned against the reassuringly solid trunk to gaze up at the sky. There was still time to watch the sun rise before I had to return to my dorm to get ready for my classes.
Gradually, the sun started to peek out from behind the clouds, moving over the horizon.
If sunlight was a legitimate cure, Nolan could stand here beside me, basking in the warmth of the golden rays. I was abruptly gripped with a longing so intense, it almost hurt.
I wouldn't have to worry about keeping him away from my family or friends, or worry about hiding our relationship in public anymore.
I'd been mulling this over and over while I was home, unable to fully enjoy my quality time with my parents. I wanted so badly for what Sylvan said to be true.
From the beginning, I had thought that this was it—that Nolan would have to live the rest of his life as a vampire, and that I would have to live the rest of mine to accommodate to that fact. I had never given any thought to the idea that Nolan could become human again. My view of our future together was adjusted in accordance to that.
For the first time since I'd learned about Nolan's situation, I felt hopeful. Hopeful that he could become normal, hopeful that he could live freely again, not bound by the sun's position in the sky, hopeful that we could stay together and I wouldn't look like a creep in ten years' time.
It didn't help that Mr. Lawson, during the car ride to the airport, basically thanked me for coming into Nolan's life and drawing him out of his reclusive armor. He'd all but implied he would be grateful if I continued to be with him despite the difficulties we might face.
I mean, no pressure, right?
Sighing, I looked down at my last text conversation with Nolan. He'd asked me to meet him after my morning lectures today. He hadn't given me a reason why. Truth be told, I had an inkling as to what he wanted to do. There was no other reason for us to meet during the day when every inch of his body was fighting to be asleep.
I didn't feel like doing anything today.
I wanted to curl up in bed with one of my beloved novels and not think about any of this.
When the dark blue and orange mix of the sky faded into the usual pale, mild color, I stretched and headed back to my room to get ready for class. I attended the first couple of lectures, sitting with Jenna because we took those courses together, and then gave Nolan a call.
"Are you getting lunch?" Jenna asked, brushing her hair to one side.
The electric blue highlights in her black hair had been switched out for bright pink. She had begun to look harried at the end of last semester, but now she was positively glowing.
The dog walking part-time job she'd taken up must have really worked out for her. She'd showed me so many pictures of the adorable dogs she'd walked.
"No, I'm meeting Nolan," I said, glancing up from my phone screen. "I'll see you later?"
We still had one more class together in late afternoon.
The call was still ringing. Maybe I had to try a few more calls before he would wake up. Because Nolan was a heavy sleeper, he promised to set the most awful, jarring ringtone and increase the phone volume. That way, he would have to hear my call and wake up.
"Oh, sure! See you!" She waved at me and went on her way.
I had to call twenty times before Nolan answered. By this point, I was almost at his dorm.
"Morning." His voice was sleepy.
My heart squeezed a little.
"Good afternoon," I said, smiling although he couldn't see me. "I'll be there in about five minutes or less. Don't fall back asleep, okay?"
He yawned. "Okay."
When I got to his room, the brown door swung open before I could raise my hand to knock. Nolan stood in the doorway, dressed in a thick black pullover hoodie and baggy black sweatpants. Behind him, the room was dark as usual, all of the outside light blocked out by the black heavy curtains he'd brought from home for his windows.
His eyes were still half-closed, but he smiled at me.
"How did you—"
"I heard your footsteps outside my door," he said, pulling me in. "Come in."
"Oh, right."
These special abilities of his came with his change to vampirism. Would they disappear if he turned back to normal?
I closed the door behind me. Nolan turned on the lights in the room for my sake, and I thanked him.
He hung back a little, as if unsure what he wanted to do next.
"So, uh, did you have a good time resting?" I tried to sound teasing. "Did you miss me?"
His expression softened. "I always miss you. You know that."
He ran his fingers through my hair. I melted into the gentle caress of his touch.
"I know," I admitted. "I miss you too."
I quickly looked him over. As far as I could tell, he seemed physically whole. Well, whatever of him that wasn't hidden under his baggy outfit, anyway. I held back a relieved sigh.
In any case, Nolan apparently caught on to what I was thinking, because he scowled. "I said I wouldn't do anything while you were gone. Don't you trust me?"
"I do trust you! I'm just, you know, worried. That's all."
He was the kind of guy who would force himself to eat food he couldn't stomach, all for the sake of spending time with me. I didn't think it was too much of me to be a bit cautious.
"Anyway," I said, pasting on a bright smile, "why did you want to meet me at this kind of timing?"
He nudged me towards his study chair. Following his cue, I plopped myself down on it. Nolan sat down opposite me on the edge of his bed.
"I'm sure you already know," he said. "Let's talk. What do you think about what Sylvan said?"
We had finally reached the moment I was both dreading and hoping for.
"I think it's wild, but the whole thing about you becoming a vampire was wild, too. What do you think?"
"He was right—it does sound counterintuitive. But it was all I thought about for the past week. And I think it's worth a try. I want to try it."
All traces of sleep were erased from his face now. Nolan stared at me seriously.
"But you said you burn under the sun. You literally couldn't bear me shining a flashlight in your eyes, but now you want to go out into the sunlight and burn into a crisp?"
"Sylvan didn't burn into a crisp." Upon seeing my expression change, Nolan amended, "Well, okay, he didn't burn into a crisp permanently. He changed back, didn't he? He looked fine."
All of my doubts came spilling out. "How do we know that's the truth? What if he was never a vampire? What if he was working with Sierra to get rid of you—get rid of everyone she's turned into a vampire to destroy the evidence? What if he is a vampire and was lying about everything?"
"You were the one who asked me not to use too much strength since you were afraid he'd die," he reminded me. "Otherwise we could've found out if he was faking it or not."
"Yeah, but if he wasn't faking it, then he'd actually die!" I made a point to keep my volume down, because I was starting to protest a little too loudly. "And then where would that land you? In jail? As a murderer? Also, then you'd have killed an innocent man. You wouldn't want that. No one would want that. Obviously I'd stop you."
"All good points. But now we won't know. Look, I've been thinking about it. He seemed genuine. I think he was telling the truth. I have to try it, Chelsea. It's my only hope."
I was torn between encouraging him and dissuading him.
"What if it doesn't work? What if it only worked for him? You said yourself that you don't get injured easily because you heal so fast, but the sunlight is your one weakness. What if you die?" I whispered the last part.
Nolan shrugged. "Everyone has to die one day."
Scowling, I balled my hands up into fists. "What are you saying?! Of course everyone has to die one day, but that doesn't mean you accelerate the process just because! Even if you don't care about your own life, I care about you!"
He averted his eyes to a corner of his room.
"I know you do. If you didn't, we wouldn't be here today. But life? I can't even walk out on a bright sunny morning, and you call that life? When I can't stay awake for more than a couple of hours during the day, when everyone else is awake, before I start risking transforming into a bat against my will, can you call that living?"
"I know it's hard—"
"You don't. You don't know, Chelsea." His tone was suddenly biting, and I recoiled in my seat. "You don't know that I don't know how I'm going to live ten years from now if things continue like this. Getting a job? Deciding where to live? Do I have to choose a place near some forest, away from the rest of the world, so that I can remain inconspicuous to get food? Live the rest of my life hiding from every person that I ever knew so that my cover won't be blown? Would you call that living? Could you live like that if you were me?"
Nolan stayed seated, but he'd thrown his arms up to make emphatic gestures as he spat out the words.
I couldn't say a thing. I knew he thought about the logistics of how he would have to live—of course I knew, the one living out this nightmare was him. But because he never voiced out his internal conflicts, the full impact of how much he was struggling inside didn't hit me.
It felt like this outburst finally brought on the realization of how cruel I'd been.
I knew he was trying to appear fine. I knew it, but I never said anything because I was afraid too. I should have said something, anything, to reassure him that he wouldn't be going through this alone.
A dull coldness crept into me.
But that was precisely why I hadn't said anything. It was because I wasn't sure I could reassure him that I would always be by his side.
I was the worst.
"Keep pretending like we're not together when there's a tiny risk that even one person can see us? At this rate, you and I are not going to be anything."
To my growing horror, Nolan's eyes looked a little wet and red around the rims.
The ice seeped into my bones, immobilizing me. I could only stare back at him, blinking back the heat that was steadily gathering at the back of my eyeballs.
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AN: angst! angstttt. :D as always, thank you for reading, and please remember to vote if you enjoy this story, it means a lot to me and helps this story a lot!
*QUESTION OF THE DAY: if you could only read angsty romances or romcoms for the rest of your life, which would you pick? (i'll share my own answer in the next chapter ahahah)
come follow me on instagram @lottestarburst for sneak peeks of future/bonus chapters and small doodles of my characters! you can read exclusive bonus chapters (including Nolan's POV!) and 2 chapters in advance on Patreon as well! (link in my bio)