I might just shit a brick.
As if all of the emotions from my near miss with Alice weren't enough, now here I am, getting my stuff out of the back of a police cruiser, about to go knock on Ben's front door.
I'm sweating in places I didn't previously know before that I even could sweat. And despite the fact that I haven't eaten in hours at this point, my stomach churns with nerves and I feel like I could puke any remaining food left inside of my stomach at this point.
"Have a good night." The officer tells me as I close the car door and I watch him slowly pull away.
The entire complex of townhomes are completely decked out with different colored string lights and blow up Santa's and mechanical reindeer moving their heads up and down on the small patches of yard in front of each home.
I can smell that someone has been cooking out earlier in the day by the way the smokey scent clings to the breeze that whips my hair around my face and makes chimes ding in the distance.
Ben's neighbor's are still up, the faint sounds of the tv seeping out into the night.
I just stand here, staring at the front door and the green and gold wreath hanging on it.
I can hear movement from inside but my insides are doing so many summersaults I'm sure it's about to be recruited to the US gymnastics team any second.
"Get a grip." I whisper to myself. "This is no big deal."
Realistically, I know it hasn't been that long since the first time I showed up here and barged my way into this house. However, it feels like it's been a lifetime and I don't know what to make of those feelings.
It's like I've missed this place so much, but I can't bring myself to just knock on the door and see them.
Ben and Elizabeth.
The high points of this whole trip.
It's not like they're strangers.
It's not like the few weeks I've been gone have changed every single thing about them or us or really anything at all.
I've basically in some form or another been in contact with Ben every days since I've left, and though Elizabeth can't technically be in contact, I've seen her face every single day since I've left.
This is no big deal.
But then why the hell am I so afraid right now?
I don't even get the chance to pull myself together before my breath hitches as the sound of the deadbolt turning and the door slowly creaking open.
"Hayden?" Ben's voice comes from in front of me and I lift my eyes to see him standing there.
In the flesh here he is again and just like the first time when I really looked at him and I instantly felt that spark of recognition, it happens all over again.
That rush of knowing what he is to me.
Of knowing how he changed my life without ever knowing.
Of knowing the secret that lies between us two.
"Hi." I say lamely, shrugging my shoulder and nearly letting my bag slip off of it before I have to grab it.
I let my eyes take him in, standing in front of me again. Just like I'd already thought ti myself, it's not truly been that long since I saw him last, but looking at him now feels like laying eyes on a best friend you haven't seen in years.
I feel the air sort of whoosh from within me and the tightness in my shoulders subsides.
I guess his mom's badgering finally got to him because he's gotten a haircut since I've seen him. His messy brown locks and cut closer to his scalp, no longer obstructing the few to his warm brown eyes.
He's wearing dark grey sweatpants and no shirt and my god, it's a bit hard to focus.
"I'm glad you decided to come by." He says, sidestepping in the doorway, making room for me to come in. "I wasn't sure you would."
"Neither was I." I admit. "But Elizabeth is a hard temptation to walk away from."
"I get that." He laughs and the sound of it reverberates inside of me, shaking loose all of the embedded anxieties from my core.
I step by him, careful not to bump into him and I set my bags down beside the door while he closes it and locks it back up.
"You decorated." I say, looking around the living room. The boxes and piles of stuff have been removed and in their place is a little white light Christmas tree with a bright yellow tree skirt around the bottom.
"Sort of." He laughs nervously, running a hand over the top of his head. "I know it's not a real tree, but to be honest I've never liked those anyway. They're a fire hazard and a mess and I didn't trust Fancy in it."
On cue, I hear the little tingle of the cat's bell and I look down to see her running across the room towards me.
She stops at my feet, sniffing my thoroughly before deciding it is safe to rub her head up against my legs.
"Oh, you like me now?" I say, bending over and reaching out a hand to pet her. I make it within an inch of her fur before she turns and runs away into the kitchen. "Or not." I say, hand still frozen in the petting position.
"She's like that." Ben smiles, leaning a shoulder into the wall beside him. "Any time I'm gone more than a few hours she gets so excited to see me when I get home, but then it's like she remembers that I left her and that she has to be mad at me for a while before she can grace me with her love again."
"Typical female behavior." I smirk at him and he laughs.
"Something like that." He shakes his head and then we both fall quiet again.
This was so much easier the first time.
I just walked in and suddenly we were a team.
This time....
There is so much lingering in the air around us. So many things said and unsaid. So much...stuff.
Ben is the first to break the awkward silence, but it only becomes even more awkward when he does.
"So..." he starts, glancing back at the door behind him. "Did you get things settled with-."
"No." I cut him off. "She wasn't there." I say, the entire evening replaying in my mind. "She got released before I got there. Apparently she was only being held for the day."
"Why didn't they say-." He starts, looking as angry as I did when they told me.
"It doesn't matter now." I sigh, crossing my arm over my body and rubbing my other arm soothingly. "It was a miscommunication I guess. Either way, she's out and who knows where."
"I'm sorry,Hayden." Ben steps towards me a little but then he seems to halt mid way, choosing to drop back into his spot by the door.
Why does it have to be like this? Why can't we just be the way that we were before? We didn't tiptoe around each other. He didn't stop himself from invading my space.
At the time I guess I thought it was weird he didn't have those boundaries, but right now, there isn't much I'd like more than to just have him be the same way with me he was before.
I want him in my space when my head is swimming and spinning out of control.
But I guess that's not how things will be for us.
"Can I..." I feel weird even having to ask. "Is she..."
"Oh!" He stands up straighter and begins to nod. "Yeah she's laying down in her crib." He says, ushering me towards the stairs. "I'm sure she's gonna be up soon anyway. It's almost bottle time."
"Ok." I say, following him up the stairs.
"I swear I could set the clocks by her." He laughs. "She is so easy. Her schedule is literally insanely predictable. I know I'm her dad and I'm probably biased, but I don't think other babies are this good."
I watch Ben turn the knob on her bedroom door, thinking how cute it is seeing him gush about her and how easily he can say I'm her dad now.
The room is so much more tidy than it was before. He's added a few more drawers beside the changing table and each one is labeled.
Diapers.
Onesies.
Burp cloths.
Socks and bows.
On and on, all of Elizabeth's things are put away and in their designated spaces. Her life, just as Ben had said, so easily contained in this home with her father.
I step over to the crib and I gasp as my eyes fall on her.
She's wide awake, both eyes open and alert staring back up at me.
"Oh my god, Ben." I say. "She's so big. How did she get so big? It hasn't even been that long."
Ben chuckles at my side, looking between me and Elizabeth. "I know they always say how fast it goes by when you have kids but I don't think anyone can really understand it until you have one of your own. She was just a tiny little sleeping thing and now she's alert and makes faces and swings her arms around all the time grasping at everything but not actually sure how to use her hands yet." He sighs. "I'm sure it's even more drastic to you." He tells me. "I see her everyday so little things slip by me."
I know he doesn't mean it as a dig, but the comment hurts my heart anyway.
I feel this eminence weight of guilt on my shoulders that I'm not seeing her everyday. That I don't spend so much time with her that I may not notice how her legs have gotten so much longer or how much more rounded her cheeks and belly are.
Instead I'm always away and while I'm gone she just continues to grow and change and I am missing it all.
But that's how it is, isn't it?
Most aunts aren't around all the time. That's typical. I think the way she came into my life though, and the way that Ben and I needed each other so much in those first couple of weeks, that it's bonded us in a way that I guess most typical aunts wouldn't be.
And I feel awful for all the time I've missed.
But she isn't mine to miss this way.
"Can I?" I ask, motioning down towards her.
"Hayden, of course." He says. "I'm sure she's missed you."
I don't need more encouragement than that to reach down into the crib and lift her body out and towards me.
She's so much heavier too.
She's clearly not missing any bottle times or fussing about eating anymore.
Her little thighs have rolls of chunky adorableness on them and my heart is just exploding with love for this little girl.
I bring her close to my chest and look down into her bright curious eyes.
Her little lips pop open and she makes a little noise that I'd never heard her make before.
How long has she been making noises?
Then her little faces twists around a yawn and I can't help the little laugh that comes out of me as I watch her.
She settles back into my arms and again her eyes meet mine, but then, she starts ti cry.
I shoosh and rock her and try all of the things that worked before but none of it has any effect on her anymore.
"Here." Ben says, passing me a bottle and I try to press it to her lips but she shakes her head back and forth.
"She doesn't want it." I say, my insides starting to twist and that familiar feeling of panic begins to whoosh in.
I don't know what I'm doing anymore.
She doesn't want me or know me or she's just mad and I still don't know how to fix it.
I was so attune to her before and now just a few short weeks have broken that connection and she doesn't want me anymore.
"Here," I say, turning her towards Ben. "She doesn't want me, she wants you."
But Ben doesn't take her from me.
Instead he takes my elbow and directs me over to sit in the rocking chair in the corner.
"Sit back." He tells me. "Just relax."
It's not until he says that that I realize how rigid I am right now. Elizabeth still squirms and screams in my arms but I try to relax my back and shoulder and lean into the seat.
"Ben, she-." I try, looking down at her cheeks turning bright red and amazed at how much sound can come from something so small. Even her cry sounds different to me now. It's fuller, definitely got more volume, and has lost that little newborn whine.
"Like this." Ben kneels down beside the rocking chair and reaches over me to put his hand over mine on the bottle. He directs me to move the nipple and the bottle back and forth in slow rotations for a couple of seconds and then on the last pass by her gums, she sucks the bottle into her mouth and begins to drink. "She likes to be fussy about how she takes it." Ben says, smiling down at Elizabeth and slowly taking his hand off of mine. "She wants it, but she also wants you to work for it."
"I see that." I sigh in relief that she's calming.
Ben stands at my side and grins. "Sit her up just a bit." He directs me. "She's a nosey one." He explains to me. "She likes to be held where she can still look around."
"Ok." I laugh, adjusting my hold on her and sure enough, her little head turns just a little and she looks around, but mostly she keeps her gaze on Ben.
I can't explain the jealousy that I feel that Ben has been able to be here figuring out all of Elizabeth's little quirks all alone.
I was a part of it all before.
But now I'm the guest who needs to be told how to handle her and what she needs instead of me already knowing it all on my own.
This baby is doing weird things to me.
If you'd told me six months ago that this is where I'd be right now and that this is what I'd be feeling and why I'm upset on this holiday, I'd have laughed in your face.
This is all so new.
At the same time that it makes me jealous though, it also gives me this crazy sense of happiness at that same time getting to watch Ben and see how far he's come with her in such a short amount of time.
I'm so angry at all of the time I've missed, and I'm still so torn over my feelings of what happened today with Alice.
But when Elizabeth's little head turns back to me, and her big eyes fix onto mine, I know without a doubt I'd take a million bad days just to be here for this right now.
It's a small win for the day.
But I'm happy I'm here.