"Just go see what he has to say Minho."
"No matter what he wants to say to me, this conversation isn't going to go well," Minho exhaled heavily, the weight from his words deflating him back into the seat of his parked car. Halted to a dead engine at that same spot drawn between paralleled lines he always took up in the apartment structure, always found himself sitting within the mechanical armor while collecting his exuberant excitements up to make that mountainous climb to the person he loved. Still loved. It hasn't been that long despite the blur of days shifting through his eyes, it hasn't been long enough for his wounded heart to patch itself back up. Hasn't been long enough for the holes to be filled with puddy plaster and harden to not be washed free again. He clicked the volume of his headphones up, quickly pocketing his keys before stumbling his way free from the snagging hands of the car trying to root him down.
What was he doing here anyway? What did he think returning to Jisung's apartment would do for him?
Over the headset's speakers warbling the outside world to a suffocating mess of a monotonous background, Felix just sighed a heavy note directly to his eardrums, "Admit you're excited to see him again. You're still stupidly in love with the man and, he wants to see you again."
"I... I don't know, Lix," The hacker winced against himself. Against the claws which takes through his heart with those sharpened daggers impaling him gently, splayed canines from a feline that danced along his heart with those blushing paws. Tapped down to left imprints along the mailable silk of his heart, everything Jisung did was still stuck in his head, looping through him in some cruel misery of his own torture tantalizing him for ever believing he could love. Tapped down to weave through his ankles as Gummy often did when he wandered through his apartment, trying to trip him as he left the safety of his car behind him to venture into a frigid world, "I feel like my heart was ripped out of my chest and now someone is trying to force it back into my chest but it doesn't want to go back in my chest, it's happy outside of my chest."
"Try to talk to him. Hear him out. See what he has to say, he says he wants to talk to you," Felix continued to reassure him, forcing Minho to keep walking through that parking lot, keep walking along the asphalt while his ears were muted to the world. Rustling from his end of the microphone capturing those subtle noises, soft and sleepy grumbles his little brother responded to with a muted whisper, the ruffling of bedsheets, probably Seungmin beside him, mumbling something to Felix in his dreams. Covered up beneath the deep drone of Felix's voice coming through the speakers once more, "Go, and, then, come cry to me when you're done with him. I love you, don't forget that."
"Yeah, love you too," Minho sighed the response back to him. Languidly moving to hang up the phone call, pocket the device away in his typical hoodie, and pull the headphones off from their dulled encasement suffocating his ears out to drape that accessory around his neck. Fitting them easily as the necklace they became while he was tugged back to reality. Back to the rushing of city streets passing in their own liminal bustle of life around him, behind him as he stepped up to the sidewalk in front of that expensive length of the apartment building, those metal machines weaving through the serpentine highways warped around buildings in tied knots looping their concrete. Back to the tapping of his dirty sneaker down to the concrete below him, to the polished tiles freshly swept with soaked mops slurping up the residue of life outside the secured fortress.
Back to the hand that wrapped around his, inviting him lovingly into a wonderland he had yet to know.
Why was he even tolerating this? What was he even hoping for? What would happen by agreeing to him meeting with Jisung once more, instead of trying to ignore everything he felt for the fanboy, move on from him, pretend as if he never had those overwhelming feelings refusing to leave him alone? Why was he hoping that Jisung truly wanted to talk with him after weeks of ghosting his messages and giving him the coldest gazes glossed by tear-filled eyes, the chasm separating them with that one rocking jitter pulling them apart as Jisung blocked him, pretending the hacker didn't exist within the same realm as the camboy, after all of that why did he want Jisung to still see him? Why was he still hoping that camboy would greet him with the wide beam and attacking kisses that used to pepper throughout his lips, his cheeks, his neck? Why was he wanting to try to fix their relationship, try to go back to square one, try to be in love with him again?
Why did Minho immediately agree to the opportunity to see him again? Leaving within minutes of being given that fleating chance set on the playing table by the card dealer Felix was, playing an estranged game hooked and snared by the suites laid out on the deck. One more chance. He begged for it. Pleaded for it. Collapsed to his knees to be granted that chance of remittance. And now?
That same lit path of effervescent sparks tugged his hand forward, leading him through a wildfire that raged around him with its destruction leaving northing but ash in it's wake. Bringing him to those front doors, keying in the passcode Jisung texted him all those days ago now memorized in the fibers of his hands and the engravings on his bones locking the doors, to the front desk beyond and the calm lobby of the apartment building hiding beyond, to the elevator where he had to press that other string of numbers for the floor buttons to light-up in activated excitement, the fireflies tingling and tickling his skin with anticipation as he settled back in the moving lift. Falling away from the doors while they closed him off. The railing digging into the low of his back as he folded his arms over his chest. Watching the passing floors ticking up one by one;
First,
Second,
Third,
Fourth,
Slowly,
Higher.
Until the doors opened to that familiar stretch of a hallway which became echoed in his mind.. A pathway escorting him where the fireflies abandoned him for the throbbing of his heart and the clamming of his skin now having second doubts about what the hell he was actually doing, being here again. Marching down the apartment's sheer walls, swabbed cleaned to a certain perfection, carpets below freshly vaccumed and spotless. Scrunching underneath his unsure step bringing him forward as his fists bundled up by his sides. Collecting with a sticky sweat causing this fingertips to slip. Though he wasn't entirely sure if the shakes were coming from an impatient expectancy, or from a complete terror as the reality began to settle into his twitching muscles.
What the fuck.
He was, actually, standing in front of that familiar doorway. In that familiar apartment. In that familiar part of the city he had only been to once. In that familiar world. Staring down the familiar carpet, familiar walls. Familiar number on the apartment's door. This whole situation, familiar. Weird. Strange. Why did he agree to this? Why did he agree to meeting with Jisung again when the camboy only wanted him for his body, for the pleasure he could give him?
Hesitantly, Minho approached that doorway.
Raising his hand, he knocked a few times before stepping back. Distancing himself from what may lay on the other side.
He didn't have to wait long.
The door slowly pushing wide open, to the camboy stood in the door frame.
That godly beauty.
Divine in the glimmers of fractured sunlight that wept from the redened eyes; That summertime glow of oozed honey from the tips of silver spoons drizzling into a tranquil state of mind underneath a never-ending sun, sweetened twinge of sugary lemonade that spiked wringing curls from the edges of taste buds drenched with that melting flavor, the Elysian halos that blocking sunscreen painted on pale skin come tinted underneath the heat threatening to peel itself free from the illustrious embers inflaming the swell of Minho's heart. Serene in the addicting hum of that fluid voice harmonizing in the warmth and the melodies poured from pure vocal chords resonating in that young man's chest; The breath which slipped from the plump part of his lips barely audible from the space kept barricading them off, the loosening of his shoulders falling down with that weighted exhale dragging him farther to the pits of the carpeted grounds beneath their feet.
In an instant, Minho wanted nothing more than to sweep that lithe body dwarfed inside the oversized hoodie the hacker recognized as his own, up in his arms. Nothing else mattered. Any other thought he had before; The heartbreak which sliced him open and dissected him organ by organ to peel away bits of his flesh for market, gutting him from the life he once thought he possessed inside his stubborn skeleton; The contempt, frustration for himself at managing to catch feelings for someone he was never supposed to find himself attached to in the hopeless romance mooring down to the chest which used to rest against his; The calamity clamming him through his mind, the longing, the yearning, how much it all pained him, none of that mattered.
None of that could compare to the relief that drained through him upon seeing that form. None of that could compare to the overwhelming wish to wrap him up into a hug and hold him tight. Gently comb his fingers through those smooth hairstrands, rake his nails delicately over the scalp below to fish calm through those disturbed waters keeping the camboy unsettled. Press his head down to the crux of his neck to let him nuzzle into the warmth his veins provided. The source of that intoxicating scent Jisung often admitted he loved more than anything else in this world. Wrap his arms around the thin waist, holding his hips in his hands, kept him enveloped within his arms, chest to chest, heartbeat to heartbeat, fuck. All he wanted to do was hug him. Reassure those teary eyes that he was okay. He was safe.
If only he could be fortunate enough for Jisung to turn his gaze off the ground and see him again.
If only he could be fortunate enough to be given the permission to touch him once more.
If only...
And none of those silent wishes he suffocated within his throat coming answered as Jisung simply forced his head down lower to the floors. Simply covered his bundled hand up in the hem of the sweater, dragging it's fabric along his cheeks to wipe off the glossed finish of a stale wet from the flushed cheeks. Simply stepped back, forcing the door to the apartment wider for Minho as he whispered, "Come in. You can have a seat on my couch."
"Right," Minho breathed to himself, giving the younger one more glance over as he shifted beneath the gaze. Uncomfortably. Observing Jisung while he leaned in discomfort, shying himself away from the hacker in every inch he could obtain from the reluctance pushing through the hacker's own body. The shackles which chained him to his spot in the hallway. In the apartment. In the building. In the city. In the world. Keeping him down, unmoving, nerves unwilling to take another step through that threshold. Forcing the hesitance in his limbs to wash away with each of his thundering heartbeats resonating up to his eardrums, pounding in time to the mess surging through his mind like a trainwreck of complicated emotions crashed through his thoughts, Minho prodded himself to step forward. To enter through that threshold once more with a quiet, "Thank you."
As he passed by, Jisung looked away from him. Hunching closer to the support of the door frame.
Minho's heart didn't feel good. Not even remotely. Not even faintly. Not an inch of him relishing in the same warmth the camboy used to give him. Just an unease. That tsunami of disquiet hitting him at projectile velocity.
Still...
If Jisung had something to say to him, no matter what those words would be, he would hear him out.
Minho trudged farther inside the apartment.
Finding a silent spot on the couch as Jisung suggested. The door locked behind him. Locking him within the tomb that dimmed apartment became. Familiar, yet uncanny in it's reflected darkness.
He precariously set himself down. Hunched over, sweaty fingers laced and balanced with trembles on the folded escape of his knees while they waited for Jisung to join him. To sit with him on the couch. To talk of what was bothering him. To communicate, figure things out between them, come to an understanding where they could separate without bitter feelings between them, maybe end on talking terms again. To keep an open line of dialogue, so Minho wouldn't be left so stranded in the dark.
But Jisung didn't sit with him.
Simply shuffled back to the living room, keeping his eyes down. Finding a place to stand off to him. Lacing his arms over his chest and keeping himself quartered off.
Keeping himself far, far away from Minho's reach.
Keeping himself hidden inside the shroud of shadows. Disappearing inside the downcast of his gaze refusing to look to Minho again.
A quiet settled over them.
Minho kept his lips shut to carefully watch Jisung.
Waiting for him to speak up first in the still that stretched between them.
Pausing within the silence.
Becoming a statue within the living room against the brontide.
The camboy shifted his weight, curling the shield of his shoulders to vanish within their forcefield as he started with that broken tone. Splinters in his breath which cut his throat, snapping it little by little as he tried to push those words from the thorns that sprouted, "You... wanted to talk to me about something?"
"I do?" Minho furrowed his eyebrows together.
I want to talk to him?
"Yes? You said you wanted to speak with me?"
"I do. Uh..." The hacker droned off, his sentence dying off in his throat as he thought to himself.
Felix said Jisung wanted to talk to him.
He never said he wanted to talk with Jisung, he didn't want to push any boundaries when the camboy was clear in what he wanted. Minho wasn't what he wanted. Even if he felt as if his entire world had been broken apart, the hacker was fine with that. He was fine respecting that. That wasn't why he sat here on the couch cushions, that wasn't why he was here. Minho pressed his hands together tighter as he spouted, "No, I'm sorry, I don't, what?"
With a choked breath, Jisung dragged his gaze from the ground. For the first time since he arrived at that apartment. For the first time since that morning the camboy told him to leave. For the first time in however many days, weeks had passed by them, Jisung looked to Minho with those redened eyes. Stained with the deep scarlet that irritated the glimmery gaze so many days ago, inching in with the worming of their pained insistence threatening to worm through again with tears to spill from his eyes, Jisung visibly swallowed the lump that throttled him quiet, "Felix said you—
"Felix said?" Minho repeated to him, pressing back against the couch cushions catching him in the support of his spine. His own arms coming to fold over his chest as that discomfort kept scurrying over him. Kept burrowing down beneath his skin's laid layers to itch sensations along his heightened nerves hypersensitive of every slight flinch or fumble the other made. "Felix told me you asked for me."
A realization dawned in Minho's mind.
Understanding clicking into place in the camboy's eyes at the mention of the freckled boy.
Felix.
An heavy breath which left the hacker when the meddling of that freckled man fell into place; Felix told Minho, Jisung wanted to talk with him; Felix told Jisung, Minho wanted to talk to him. And not knowing the other was oblivious to the scheme, they both willingly agreed to talk.
Damn it, that little shit.
They fell into another unsteady silence. The type of tension between them that could explode with the smallest of a spark in the air, to ignite them both to a reduction of who they used to be.
Not knowing what else he could possibly say to him, not knowing what else he could possibly do to make Jisung to listen to his perspective, not knowing how he could repair the pained look in Jisung's eyes when he realized he was lied to by his best friend. When he began to recognize they were brought together again based on a senseless lie told to drag them together.
If Jisung didn't have anything to say to him, an apology for saying he was only loved for his body, an explanation for the sudden change in behavior, or otherwise, anything else, if they would only let a stillness pass between them, if nothing would be said, then Minho didn't have a reason to stay.
Even if, he wanted to.
He wanted to stay in that apartment more than anything else in this world, he wanted to stay on the couch and wave the camboy over to him to envelope him within unbreakable arms, he wanted to be here with Jisung. He wanted to stay with Jisung. He desperately yearned to be with him. Hugging him. Cuddling with him. Feeling him inside his hands, listening to the poetry written on his stuttering breaths while he relaxed against his touch. Loving him for every inch he had to offer, on display on that perfectly crafted frame and hidden deep within his chest with every good deed that made his eyes glimmer brighter than a flare signaling home in the night, the fibers and threads that wove the camboy from golden silk in his lips, his waist, his hobbies, his talents, his laughter, his love for cheesecake, for crocheting, for being a camboy, being strong enough to bear the stones casted to his glass skin with taped wounds.
None of that mattered anymore. It didn't matter how Minho felt for him, it didn't matter how miserable that gaze looked while it fell to him, it didn't matter how his own chest wanted to wail with shatteted sobs coughed through his tears. It didn't matter.
Languidly, Minho stood from the couch. Settled on leaving from that apartment before Jisung would want to completely cut Felix off from his life too. He could leave. He could leave and admit it was his fault, if it meant that Felix wouldn't have to lose his best friend.
And yet...
As Minho headed for the door to leave,
Jisung warbled softly to him, "Wait."
His heart nearly stopped. Halting to a firm end in his chest in an anticipation for what the camboy would say next. Halting to a firm end before it would tumble off the edge of a cliff, take a nosedive to the spiked spires of rocks waiting for him at the bottom. Halting to a firm end as he pulled himself back to Jisung.
Even if the camboy...
Even if he only saw that saddened gaze for a moment before it turned away from him again.
Filling their gaps with another absence of movement. An absence of voices, words, communication. An absence of the glittery eyes he adored.
"Okay, Jisung, I'm sorry, but," Minho turned back to Jisung. Hunched in the curl of his shoulders, disappearing within the distance spanning in his eyes as if he wasn't standing inside that apartment space, loosened in the shifting of his weight, sliding of his unmoving arms, the tenseness in the hands that fiddled with the metal tips of the hoodie strings. The hacker's hoodie. The hoodie he thought he lost in the process of doing his laundry, now turned up here, being worn by Jisung. Jisung who refused to look at him. Jisung who refused to speak to him. Jisung who shied away from him. Having enough of it, of being led by the bit by that Cheshire grin, Minho finally sighed heavily to him, "Are you going to say something to me or are you just going to waste my time on you again?"
He flinched. Retreating in the far gap which split him off from the world. Falling down between the chasm that rifted an unbreakable divide around him. That separated him from the rest of the world. That kept him imprisoned within his own safety. That isolated him from Minho as he fought back to him, "I told you what I expected, don't be upset with me."
"It's not fair to me, to either of us," Minho uttered back to him.
"It's not fair to you?" The camboy repeated to him. Finally, his hands coming to fasten down on the woven threads of the hoodie strings, his shoulders coming to square off against the hacker, his eyes coming to look back to Minho. And all the pain which he looked at Minho with. The intensity which raked him over, drinking him in, soaking him up as he froze in his spot. As he could only watch Jisung blossom in the scowl on his lips, "Not fair? Not fair is developing feelings for me when I said I didn't want them. And you agreed!"
Growing taller within the shaking of his shoulders,
The quivering of his bottom lip.
The sprouting ache flamed through his features as Minho tried to control his heart from falling apart again.
Tried to step closer in to comfort him.
While Jisung stepped back, a desperate inhale sucking in the thick air which suffocated Minho beneath it's unstoppable pressure. While Jisung's eyes casted to the floors, darting through the space as he searched for something within that space, "Not fair is being so kind to me, and listening to me, being so... so damn gentle, and treating me like I'm more than the filthy whore I am! That's not fair!"
No.
The word lodged itself in Minho's throat. Only allowing him to attempt to shake his head in a strangled denial. Only permitting him to glide himself to the camboy again, to catch him delicately on his shoulders to not allow him to fall. Only able to catch him, gently, hold him, but not able to bring him forever in, still intangible. Still untouchable.
No, you are so much more than that, my love.
"Not fair is, is you... You having to waste your time with some s-stupid cumslut from the internet when you could be with someone who... W-Who can love you... A-And, and go outside, and..." Jisung stammered out, struggling with every syllable that left his shuddering breath. Every word lost inside the fracturing of his voice as Minho tried to rub comfort into him with his thumbs. Tried to bring him a little closer to be held while the camboy tried to sink away from him. Tried to disappear within the flickering of his eyes finding anywhere to maintain their sorrow, anywhere to hold on to the building tears threatening to spill over, "You deserve someone that can... go on dates, wouldn't you love that? To go on a date? Go to a restaurant? Sit in the park? Eat ice cream in the summer? Watch the stars? View a movie together?"
Finally managing to push that word through, Minho quickly shook his head, "No..."
Jisung shoved Minho off.
Belting at him,
"I can't!"
Clawing his tensed hands at the fabric of the hoodie covering his chest.
"I can't ever do that for you!"
His words just breaking Minho's heart more than he ever thought was possible.
And those tears which stayed locked behind the camboy's eyes spilled to his cheeks. Cascading down their already flushed irritation with an urgency Minho had never seen from anyone before. Tears that ran as freely as a ripped vein spilling it's lifeblood through the gash it sprinted wild from, gushed from the scarlet dark from the dehydrated eyes as quickly as water which poured from the sky to eclipse the sunlight, the escaping of a landslide that wiped a wonderland from the face of the world, the rushing of a twilight which couldn't be stopped as he blubbered to Minho, "I-I can ride you, I can screw you, I can... Can... take you, suck you, pleasure you, but I can't ever be someone you love. H-how is that fair to you? How is that fair to me?"
Trying to keep himself as calm and understanding as possible, trying to keep down every insistent denial he wanted to tell that camboy to prove to him he was so much more, he was we do much more and everything else to Minho, regardless of how anyone else saw him. Trying to understand the tears that came to his eyes while he spoke, the hacker started, "Wh—"
"Because I love you! I love you, okay?" Jisung interrupted him. Those tears only coming faster. Only spilling more. Only disrupting his breaths, the flickering of his eyes searching anywhere for help, the wringing of his hands in the fabric of the hoodie, fumbling, fiddling, twisting up the ache in his chest while he sobbed, "There, I admitted it. I love you too Minho, I love you... For... For everything, y-you're so sweet to me, and funny and... and I will never be enough for you."
Minho's mind checked out.
He loves me?
And soared.
OH MY GOD HE LOVES ME!! IT MEANT SOMETHING TO HIM TOO!!!
With those words, his heart rocketed into the seventh dimension and did flips through the atmosphere.
But shit, this was a painful confession.
As ecstatic as he felt for himself, for his victory and the fact JISUNG LOVED HIM TOO HOLY SHIT OH MY GOD AHHHHHH, he could only find himself grabbing the younger's tense wrists. He could only push down the celebration wishing to bounce him off the walls like a chimpanzee that snorted rainbow glitter cocaine, suffocating it beneath the amiability of the tug that pulled the camboy into him, that gently directed those raking hands to settle around the hacker's waist, that did it's utmost to ensure Jisung knew he was loved in the arms that wrapped around him, he was loved within the older's pounding chest, he was loved within the ached longing he wished to find him through. He was adored, admired, while Minho let him sink his nose into the crux of his neck. While he felt the breath blossoming against his neck. The fingers that dug into his back as if he would slip through that grip at any moment.
Silently trying to tell him through the wrapping of his hand looped around the back of Jisung's head, trying to brush his fingers through those strands to calm the sobs.
I'm not going anywhere.
"If it means anything, I still love you, and I would give up everything if it means I could be with you," Minho murmured softly to his ear, a smile upturning the corner of his lips to prove his joy at that confession, doing everything within what little power he had to control his own tears to try to manage Jisung's as well.
"No, it doesn't mean anything," A sharp inhale gaped through his words. Gasping hopelessly through the hot tears falling to the bear skin of his neck, rubbed in by the trembling of the body he held against his, the forehead that searched for a stability amongst the throbbing veins they pressed into. Against him, Minho could feel every shake. Every swallowed breath. Every pained choke. Every ache. Every nail that clawed at him, dug into his hoodie, dug into his skin while the camboy choked, "This can't work. It doesn't work."
"Why not? Why can't we make it work?"
Please.
He silently begged to himself.
Please let me have this.
Jisung's head shook fervently against him, "It's not worth it. It's not worth it for someone like you to be stuck with someone like me. Go... Go find someone, go be happy, Minho. Find someone to be happy and in love with."
"But I have. I found it with you. Someone to be happy with, someone to be in love with," Minho murmured back to him. He fluttered a kiss against the side of his head, hoping that gesture could convey every ounce of love he felt for the camboy, every bit of devotion he could promise to pour into who he was, as he was, without being changed. Without the need to change for anyone else. Without the need to be anyone different than who he was, Minho loved Jisung for Jisung. And Minho could only try to confess that to him with the ache in his heart burning him up, "I found my paradise in you, love."
"I can't. I can't do that to you. I'm not... You deserve so much more than what I can give you."
"Jisung."
"I can't love you, Minho. Okay? I... I can't—"
"Love, I'm dying."
Jisung pressed away from him.
His eyes going wide with a subtle terror.
"What?"
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