tw: mental health? maybe? nothing explicitly mentioned, just general angst really
I wanna address that maybe some people might not agree with the direction I take the story in from now on, like if anyone expects goh and ash to realise who each other is and instantly get together and be happy, that's not the way I wrote it going down, i'm sorry! ;-;
Hi Blue,
I know it's been a while. I know you probably hate me, and I don't even know if you'll ever open this, let alone respond, but I've been thinking about you a lot lately, and I think the way things ended was wrong. It was wrong of me to cut you off after twelve years with such a shit explanation, and one that wasn't even true.
You were the one friend I never wanted to lose, and I'm sorry that I couldn't stop it from happening. But I never wanted it. You have to know that. And here's the truth, finally, after twelve years:
My name is Goh, and I'm a boy.
I grew distant because I knew you expected me to be a girl, and I couldn't stand the thought of us meeting, and seeing the disappointment on your face. It would have broken my heart even more than it already was. I fought against the heartbreak for months, trying to figure out a way to let you know without embarrassing myself, or losing you. I wanted to believe that keeping you as a friend was better than losing you altogether, but I couldn't stand it. I loved you, and I knew you were never going to love me once you figured it out, so I shut down.
The worst part is, I can't even place the blame completely on you. I was being hypocritical, because I was imagining you as a boy, too. I'm gay, and if you're a girl, we wouldn't have worked anyway. Pathetic, right? I guess we really were just two stupid kids that never really gave it enough thought. So I don't resent you. I don't hate you, not really, but... You still broke my heart. It's just that I probably broke yours, too.
I don't expect us to be friends again. I'm not even sure I want us to be- I'm not sure if I could handle it or not. I just needed to tell you this truth before it ate me alive.
I've met someone else, and while I'll probably love you forever, I think I'm finally ready to let go.
Love,
Red
- - - -
It's past eleven at night, and I'm jogging in the park, pushing myself to my limit, breaths coming fast and hard, sweat sliding down my forehead. I give in to the pain in my ribs, closing my eyes and tipping my head back to the sky, the light rain clinging to my skin.
I'm so stupid. So, so fucking stupid.
The truth was there, staring me right in the face, and I missed it.
The overwhelming panic consumed me for half an hour after I read the email, each word making it worse, like an invisible hand squeezing my ribs harder and harder, until they almost snapped. The truth hammered into my brain, over and over again, choking me. Goh is Red. Goh is Red.
I met Red in person and didn't even realise. I fell for them all over again without realising. I convinced them to reach out to me. I was sitting there, seething at someone I didn't realise was me, saying they didn't deserve him...
I don't. I don't deserve him at all. Not when it was me that caused his tears. Not when I caused months of turmoil for him, not when I imagine how hurt he felt, thinking I'd be disappointed to see him... How could I ever be disappointed? He's the most beautiful person I've ever seen, but... He's not a girl.
I deserve this pain. I deserve to lose him all over again, because... I will. When he learns that I'm Blue, I'll lose him. And after earlier, the feeling of his lips still lingering on mine... I don't know how I'm going to survive. This is what I was afraid of, and it hurts even worse than I could have imagined.
The last twelve years come back to me. Every letter, every memory we shared... All of that was with Goh. All of this time, I've known him better than anyone, and didn't even realise. How did I not realise?
The feelings I had for Red, all of that love, combines in my brain with the attachment I feel to Goh, and those budding feelings, and... I stop, leaning against a tree, breathless. I rest my head back on it, my head spinning so much I think I might pass out. I loved him before, as Red, but I didn't realise how much I could love someone until now. It's all-consuming, tearing me apart from the inside. Love is too weak a word for what I feel for him.
Something in my chest finally fully cracks, and my tears join the rain slipping down my skin. The sobs rack my chest, and I can barely keep myself standing, the grief crushing down on me, making my whole body heavy. My back slides down the tree, and then I'm sitting on the ground, not even caring that it's wet, my hands pressed into my face.
I would say this is the lowest I could possibly get, but that's not true, because I still have to tell him. For a moment, I wonder whether I should or not, but I have no idea how to keep a secret this monumental. But... If I show him how much we could connect, then tell him later, would that improve my chances of him not cutting me off, or make them worse?
The answers aren't going to come to me tonight, and I'm sitting on the wet ground in a public park crying in the middle of the night. I force myself to stand, wiping angrily at my eyes, and jog back towards the flat. I know once I get there, I won't be able to stop the breakdown. Not when Red is literally just down the hallway from me, and he doesn't even know.
Back in my room, I peel off the wet clothes and change. I stare down at the drawer in the bed, where I hid the letters hours ago. I imagine if I hadn't hid them, if Goh had spotted one, and realised before me. Before we kissed, and admitted our feelings. Would that have been better, or worse?
I crawl into the bed, my body so heavy. I close my eyes and block out images of Goh, putting a mental wall up around them, shutting myself off. I lie there in the dark, listening to the distant sirens, until I drift off to sleep.
- - - -
I don't leave my room the next day. I ignore texts from Goh, not even opening them to see what they say. I ignore a call from Dawn. I don't even go to the kitchen for food, just eat the snacks I had in my room. I'm feeling too much, and too little, all at once. I feel worse than right after Red's disappearance, and this time I don't have Dawn here to pull me out of my mess.
I can't decide whether to let us burn out this way, or lose him by telling him. Even if I decide to tell him, I have no idea how. I know I don't deserve him, but... I can't handle a second rejection from Red. I just can't.
After barely moving from bed all day, and ignoring a knock on my door, I drift off to sleep again.
- - - -
On Sunday morning, Dawn calls me again. I debate ignoring it, especially since I just opened my eyes, but I see the other five missed calls from her, and groan, picking up.
"Finally," she near-shouts down the line. "I thought you were dead. Your mom asked me if I'd heard from you because you didn't answer her all day yesterday."
They're both overbearing busybodies. I groan again and sit up, rubbing my eyes. The sunlight streaming in burns. "Still very much alive," I say, my voice hoarse. I think they might be the first words I've spoken in a little while.
"What's going on?" She asks. "Are you okay?"
No. "Yeah."
"Ash."
I sigh. What time is it? "Okay, no. Something happened, and I don't know... I don't know what to do."
"What happened?" She asks gently. "You can tell me."
"I kissed Goh on Friday night, but then I found out-" I close my eyes and focus on my breathing. I haven't said the words out loud yet, and even though I've thought them, it's different, saying them. It makes it more real, somehow. "Goh is-" Another deep breath. "Goh is Red."
There's a beat of silence. My heartbeat is ringing in my ears.
"What?"
"Goh is Red," I repeat, the words finally, finally sinking in as I speak them.
"You're shitting me," she chokes out. "No, like you're actually fucking with me, right?"
"I wish I was," I say, rubbing my temple, a headache blooming there. I can't remember when I last ate something. "I mean, what are the chances? And what the fuck do I do now?"
"Hold up, rewind a second. How do you know?"
"I got an email from Red, explaining they wanted to tell me the truth. He literally told me he was Goh in the email."
"Shit," she hisses. "What did you do? Did you tell him? Wait. Oh shit, Red is a guy."
"No, I didn't tell him, are you crazy?" A strange calm has settled over me now that it's sunken in. Now all I feel is... angry. Well, it beats being numb, I guess.
"But you're going to tell him, right? Ash, this is clearly some sort of fate. I don't care if you believe in it or not, you have to admit that."
"Red- I mean, Goh- broke things off with me. He told me he wanted to see other people, even if that was my fault." It's still hard to remember to refer to Red as a he- Still weird to think of them as the same person.
"Yeah, and he gravitated right to you. You kissed him, for God's sake. Does it really matter that he's a guy?"
"No," I say quickly. "That's not it. I don't care about that, even if it is a little weird to accept."
"You were convinced he was a girl for twelve years. Of course it's weird. I would have thought you'd be thrilled, Ash, but you sound... well, fuming."
"I would have been, like two months ago. Now I'm just confused, and lost. I don't think I can tell him. Not yet."
"You can't keep a secret this astronomical, Ash. Nothing good can come from it."
I understand what she's saying, but I don't want to hear it. "I'll figure it out," I say. I hear her sigh. "Okay, I gotta go."
"Be careful, Ash," she says.
"I will."
When I hang up, I finally open the string of texts from Goh. He explained that he reached out to his friend- to me- and that he didn't get a response yet. He asked if I'm okay, because I hadn't responded in hours. He told me he was coming, letting me know it was him that knocked on my door. Then, a text asking me if I regret kissing him. The anger is broken at that, and my chest cleaves open again, but I push away the pain. I hadn't considered that he might think that's why I've shut myself in.
Then, there's a text from Brock, asking if I want to go out with him and his flatmates tonight. I almost say no without considering, but... It would clear my head, make me forget, just for one night. So I say yes, and make myself get up.
Thankfully, Goh isn't in the kitchen, but Clemont and Serena are, and they light up when they see me, but I just don't have the energy to match their smiles. I give them a quick greeting, and start to make something to eat, if only so I don't die from starvation. I feel them watching me, and know I'm not being myself, but I don't turn around, and don't make conversation. I don't sit down to eat with them, instead leaving in silence and heading back to my room.
Can I come to yours beforehand? I ask Brock, feeling the need to get out of this flat. He quickly texts back that I'm always welcome at his place, and the address. It's a fifteen minute walk from here, so I sit around for a few more hours, watching Netflix. Then I shower, find something to wear, and head out. I hurry to Brock's, and text him that I'm outside so he can come down and let me in.
"Hey," he says, smiling. I force myself to smile back at him, and step inside the building. I follow him into the elevator to take us up to his floor. "What's been going on?"
"Not much," I lie. "What's going on with you?"
"I think I have a shot with Lucy." He looks nervous. I give him my first genuine smile since Friday night.
"That's awesome. I could tell you liked her."
We head into his flat and start drinking in the kitchen with Lucy and Tracey. I catch Brock and Lucy shooting glances at each other, and my chest tightens, because that was Goh and I, just a few days ago. Now I can't even bring myself to respond to his messages, because I don't know how to tell him, but I also don't know how to talk to him without saying it first.
The thoughts are driving me crazy. I want them to leave me alone. I want to be blissfully numb again, like I was yesterday, so I make my drink stronger than I usually would, and drink it faster than usual too.
- - - -
I'm drunk when Serena texts me. I realise Goh must have given her my number, in the hopes that I'd respond to someone that wasn't him. Or maybe she asked for it, after seeing how quiet I was earlier, and how much I've shut myself in the last few days.
Hey, it's Serena. Goh says you've been AWOL for days. We're all worried about you.
I close my phone, ignoring the text, deciding I'll respond to it later. I walk back inside, to where Brock is leaning against the wall, moving his head to the music. He eyes me as I come up beside me, and only when he frowns at me do I realise that my face must have been grim.
"What's bothering you?" He asks. I school my face into neutrality, hiding any emotion I might have just been giving away.
"Nothing."
"Have you always been so bad at lying?" He asks. I scowl, and he pushes off the wall, giving me a stern look. "You haven't been yourself all night."
"I'm fine, Brock," I insist, a headache starting to pulse in my brain again.
"Really? Because you-"
I press a hand to my forehead, the headache pounding now, and I realise the night out is no longer a welcome distraction, now that Brock's picked up on my mood. He won't let it go, not until I tell him, and I can't tell him. So I cut him off. "You know, I think I'm just gonna head home. I'll text you tomorrow."
He pauses, his face grave, like he's debating whether to argue with me or not. Then he gives me a disappointed nod, muttering a farewell under his breath as I make to leave, pushing past sweaty bodies, overwhelmed by the noise and heat suddenly. I've never been this way- overstimulated, anxious and beating myself up. I hate it. I hate the pain constantly in my chest, hate the anxiety blooming there too. Most of all, though, I hate myself, for putting Red through everything, and for putting him through it right now. But I can't stop, because I'm being a coward.
I step out into the cold. A thick fog has settled, clouding anything more than a few feet ahead. A cool mist touches my face and I close my eyes, trying to settle my nerves, and as the anxiety passes, sorrow replaces it. I start to walk in the direction of the flat, or what I hope is the right direction, anyway.
I don't know how to pull myself out of this situation. I don't know how to tell Goh the truth, and even if I did, neither outcome seems right. He could hate me, especially now that I've kept it from him, and never want to speak to me again. Or, he could forgive me, and be willing to give it a shot, whether that be as friends or something more, but... While that should be an appealing outcome, it doesn't spark any joy in me at all, because I know deep down that I don't deserve him.
Good, kind, pure Goh, who's shown me in the last few weeks that he's a little shy, yes, but once he comes out of his shell he can be just as brazen as Dawn. Goh, who's struggled with people judging him his whole life, has tried not to let it phase him, but who still ties his hair up even when he doesn't want to... I made that worse. I made him suffer for months. And now I'm doing it again, ignoring his messages, acting like I changed my mind about him, but... I can't make myself stop. Maybe it's better this way, if he thinks the worst of me as Ash, and never learns that I'm Blue. Maybe it's better if I let him drift away before I can hurt him even more.
- - - -
Five more days pass. I reply to Serena, letting her know I'm fine, but that I won't be going out anywhere with them this week. She seems hurt, but doesn't push me for answers. I ignore Brock's messages asking what's up, only replying when he starts messaging about something else. I don't respond to Goh at all, and he stops bothering to message me after a couple days, anyway.
I only leave my room to go to the store or to a lecture. I wouldn't even be able to force myself to go to those if I wasn't so scared of missing important stuff. And, even then, I still skip a few, choosing to stay in bed longer instead. I only see Goh once, emerging from his room as I'm coming back in. I don't let myself look at him, I don't think I can stand to see whatever is on display on his face, so I just hurry into my room and close the door behind me, even as I feel my heart break at the spark between us fizzling out, quickly dying.
I don't let any thoughts linger. I drown them out by sleeping, or distracting myself, but I don't let myself think. As the week comes and goes, I reach a level of numbness I've never felt, and I go to sleep Friday night with the intention of locking myself in my room all weekend.
- - - -
I wake to the feeling of someone poking me, a sharp jab in my shoulder. Half-asleep, I swat my hand in the air without opening my eyes, groaning to go away, my brain lulling me back into sleep, dragging me back under into the darkness-
"Get up."
My eyes fly open at the sound of her voice, and as my vision unblurs, I see I'm not imagining it. Dawn is standing by the side of my bed, hands on her hips, her face furious. The sight of her snaps me awake, and I sit up, my head spinning. "Dawn? What-"
"Get up," she says again, sternly. The sheer command in her voice has me obeying, rubbing my eyes and I stand, still confused, wondering if I've entered some sort of hallucination. "Get dressed."
"What are you doing here?" I ask, finally turning to face her. Even though she's shorter than me, the burning in her eyes tell me she's taking no shit.
"I'm not going to let you waste away in here," she hisses, making a point to glance around at the mess I've let the room get into. "So get dressed."
I fight the urge to hug her to my chest, because with the fury on her face, she'd probably push me away, but... Finally taking in that she's really here, something in me breaks open, and I swallow hard, furrowing my brows. She must see the change in my face, because her eyes soften, and she sighs. "You're such an idiot, Ash," she says, before throwing her arms around my neck and holding me.
I pull away, but she keeps her hands on my arms, holding me there. Fear courses through me suddenly, as I realise she must have walked up to the flat, must have found out where I was, somehow- "Goh-"
"Didn't see me come in," she reassures me. "No one knows I'm here but Brock."
So it was Brock that sold me out. He must have told her that I'd shut myself away in here, and she came, at the first opportunity she got. Guilt crashes over me. "I'm sorry-"
"It's fine, just..." She pulls a face at me, in the too-large t-shirt and sweatpants. "Get dressed, okay? You have to get out of this room."
I nod, and rummage in the wardrobe for a few seconds, pulling out a pair of cargos and a black t-shirt, and go into the bathroom to get changed. When I emerge, Dawn has picked up the clothes I had strewn across the room and thrown out some of the rubbish, and the place already looks a lot tidier. I open my mouth to speak, but she just shakes her head, silencing me, and hands me a jacket. She nods to my shoes, and I pull them on as she goes to the door, pulling it open a crack and peering up and down the hall.
"Looks like it's clear," she says, grabbing my arm. "Come on."
She drags me out before I can protest, and it takes us just seconds to get through the other door into the stairwell, and another minute to be out into the street. I look around, but no one I recognise spots us, and I blow out a breath.
"Where are we going?" I ask. Dawn links her arm through mine, leading me across the street to a little café I haven't bothered going into yet. Nerves tingle across my body. "Is that a good idea? My flat mates might see us, or-"
"Then you introduce us," she says, smiling at me. "Because you're telling Goh later today anyway."
"Dawn-"
She drags me by the arm towards the café. The bell on the door jingles as we step inside. It's small, and the only seats left are by the window, which makes me even more anxious, but Dawn doesn't seem to notice. She lays her bag down and plops into one of the two seats on either side of the little round table. I take the one opposite her, frowning.
"How did you get here?" I ask as she picks up the menu that was sitting on the table.
"Train," she answers casually, eyes scanning the paper in front of her. "I'm only here for a few hours, then I have to get on a return train."
I want to ask more, but someone comes over to take our order, and Dawn orders breakfast, so I follow suit, ordering coffee too, and wait until they're gone to speak again. "You came all this way for me."
She finally puts down the menu, focusing all her attention on me. She furrows her brows, frowning. "What is this, Ash?" She gestures to me with her hands. "Why are you punishing yourself?"
"I'm not-" I choke on the words, and turn to stare out of the window.
"You're pushing Goh away, aren't you? Are you really that afraid of telling him?"
"It's not just that," I say, but don't offer any other explanation. She doesn't speak though, just lets the silence drag on, until I sigh. "I don't deserve him."
"So you are punishing yourself." She reaches across the table and takes my hand, squeezing her fingers into my palm. "Why don't you let Goh decide if he wants to forgive you or not? Even if he doesn't, this weight will be lifted from your shoulders. The longer you leave it, the worse you're going to feel, and the more it'll sting him if he finds out. You do deserve the chance you have."
I clench my jaw. I know how pathetic I must look- locking myself in my room, shutting myself off from everyone. I don't want to feel this way, but it's not as easy as she's making it seem. "I don't know how."
"Ash-"
"I love you for coming down here, Dawn, but how can I tell Goh today? I doubt he'll even want to see me."
"Stop making excuses to put it off."
"I'm not-"
"Ash."
"Dawn."
We glare at each other, engaged in one of the stand-offs we're so good at. She's not backing down, but she's leaving anyway, so she won't know whether I do or don't. I narrow my eyes, right as she smirks, and my heart sinks. "Tell him, or I will."
"What?" I choke out.
"I'll tell him." She shrugs, letting go of my hand and inspecting her nails casually. "And that will be so much worse."
"You wouldn't," I say, anger replacing the numbness I've felt for days. She just smirks again, knowing she's riling me up.
"Oh, I would. You know I would."
I close my eyes, sucking in a breath through my nose. Hands under the table, I clench and unclench my fists, focusing my annoyance so I don't snap. For her to show up and give me an ultimatum about something in my life- I open my eyes again, ready to argue, but when I do I see her body trembling slightly, and realise she's trying not to laugh. My mouth falls open, face going slack at the sight of it, and then she bursts out laughing. It clicks then, that she riled me up deliberately, to summon some sort of emotional response from me to break through the cold I've displayed all morning.
"God, you look so pissed off just now," she says. My face burns at her laughing at me.
"I am pissed off," I say, but it doesn't come out with the conviction I wanted it to, and I sigh, feeling my lips twitch up into an amused smile. Okay, so she got me. "Fine. I'll tell him today."
"Damn right you will," she says, right as our breakfast is placed on the table in front of us.
She changes the subject as we eat, talking about her own flatmates, asking about the rest of mine, and now that the reality of my situation is sinking in, I feel horribly guilty for ignoring them all for a week. I can only pray they don't hold it against me. I feel like Dawn's pulled me out of a trance, and now I see how dumb I've been.
When we're finished eating, and sit nursing the coffees we ordered, Dawn's in the middle of telling me about Zoey, when my eyes flick to the window. It's almost like I knew he'd be there, and my heart stumbles in my chest as my eyes settle on him.
Goh's eyes burn as he stares back at us.