The next day I laid in the bed, my bag still packed, waiting for the evening to come around. I had been given leave for the day, so I had slept as long as I could trying to catch up on the massive amounts of sleep I had missed for the last week.
It was the light knock on my door that had my heart racing, hoping it would be a giant skull-faced man, but I found myself face to face with Sergeant Balmecada. A few days ago, I had practically fought with her in the bathroom, now she was outside my door with a silky red dress. "Buenas tardes, me han pedido que les traiga esto." [Good afternoon, I've been asked to bring this to you]
"Right, um..." I felt incredible remorse for the way you had treated her while my mind had been reeling. "Thank you."
"It was a dress I wore to a dance in highschool, I doubt it fits me anymore," she lifted the red garment and held it up to you, "you're a bit smaller than me. But try it."
"Thank you," I said again, "I want to apologize for my behavior the other night, I had been through it."
"I am a medical sergeant at a Mexican special forces base," she said, walking into the room and placing the dress over the railing of the bed. "I would say your reaction to your first confirmed kill was mild."
"How did you know it was my first?"
"Alejandro had me make a chart for you in case things got more intense and we had to sedate," he hands went to her hips as she looked at me, when I didn't move, she pointed to the dress.
"Well?"
"Oh right." I picked up the dress and went to the bathroom. The dress was quite beautiful to say the least. It was satin and shiny, smooth to the touch. I had never worn anything like this, not even at high school dances.
I thought back to the last time I had worn a dress, it was a long time ago, before I had gone into the military. Perhaps it was my senior year prom? I had gone with a group of friends kids, my date's name was James and we had just been paired together because everyone else had been with their significant other. He was cute but had acne and was awkward to dance with. I had spent most of the night in the gym stands, hoping that midnight would come faster.
As I put the dress on in the bathroom I looked into the mirror and the vision of a seventeen-year-old me flashed in my mind. She had been so young and ready to go into the military, she had wanted to save lives. Make a difference. She would have never believed the kind of things I was doing now, the terrible things I was being forced to do.
I remembered walking down the stairs the night of prom and my father clutching his heart when he saw me. My dress was some kind of frilly baby blue that my mother had picked out, insisting on doing my makeup. I wanted my hair up but she has forbid it, my hair down and flowing in the breeze. My father had said some kind of intimidating words to my date, to which I had rolled my eyes, "he barely even knows me dad, we just got paired together."
"That doesn't make me feel any better," he said as my date got in the car, silently. Not even opening the door or helping me.
"Don't worry, Dad. You've taught me enough self-defense," I reminded him. But I could still see the terrified look on his face. I took that as a sign to give him a hug and kiss on the cheek, "I'll be home by midnight."
Now I was looking at myself, disgusted with how beautiful I looked in the dress. It fit near perfectly: tightening around my thicker backside, hugging my thighs, the top dropped just low enough to reveal some cleavage. It was a much more mature dress than the innocent one that I had worn to prom. I felt so out of place, so uncomfortable. Although I couldn't deny my genuine beauty, I felt horrendous in the satin fabric. I felt much more beautiful in a pair of cargo pants and a muscle shirt. Exiting the bathroom, I walked back into the dorm to find a pair of black heels and a small makeup bag on my bed.
"I guess boots wouldn't work for this mission?" I asked sarcastically to Sergeant Balmeceda.
"You may raise some eyebrows," she laughed before coming up behind me and zipping up the back of the dress. "Your body is incredible in the dress."
I pulled my long locks to the side and let her finish the zipper, "thank you," you turned to the heels on the bed, "I doubt I remember how to walk in those."
Sergeant Balmeceda chuckled, "most of us girls around here like to take nights out together, gets us away from all the testosterone."
"May I join you next time, sergeant?" I asked, opening the makeup bag and looking the sparse contents.
"Maria, please call me that," she said. "And you are welcome to join us anytime."
I took a long and deep breath as I sat on the bed, looking at the heels, making sure they were the right size. They were. Of course, they were.
Maria seemed to notice my uneasiness, "Jamie, you are very pale." She took ahold of my wrist and put her hands on the pulse, counting for a few moments. "Your pulse is very low, when was the last time you ate something?"
"Yesterday," in truth I could not remember the last time I ate a whole meal. I had snacked between napping sessions, but there was nothing of substance in my stomach.
"You need to eat before an op," Maria said with a frown. "I am going to go and get you something, I'll be back in a little bit."
You watched her leave and took the makeup bag to the bathroom, turning on the bright over head lights of the mirror. "Alright Jamie, let's see if you remember how to do this." Memories of the nights that my mother and I had done our make up together before holiday gatherings flashed in my mind.
"You should bring out the flame in your golden eyes Jamie, nothing too dark," my mother had said as she taught me how to apply the brush to my eyelid. I did as I remembered it, flicking a lighter brown color over the skin that was much more wrinkled now. "You're eyeliner and mascara can be dark, and alway blink into the brush never curl the brush upwards," she had said. I pulled out the new bottle of mascara and put it up to my eye, letting my eyelashes blink into the brush like I remember. The first try was a complete failure, getting the black substance all over my eyebrow.
"Fuck," I said, pulling on some toilet paper and dowsing it in water, then wiping away the mark. It only made things worse, causing the ink to smear all over my face. I tried a second time after I had cleared my skin of any shadowy coloring, this time being far more careful with the brush. I held my breath like I was shooting a sniper rifle, it was funny how both things felt so similar. I tried my best to make them look similar for both eyes, giving up after a few rounds of the smear act. It seemed like hours before I finally emerged from the bathroom just as Maria came back with a container of rice, vegetables and... I sniffed the air, was that fucking corned beef?
My mouth watered; I was surprised that I didn't drool. Taking the container with a gracious thank you, I inhaled the food. Reaping the rewards of the nutrients nearly instantly, feeling it fill me with energy just as it fills my empty stomach. Strangely, I no longer felt so nauseous, or depressed. "This shit is fucking amazing," I said, mouth filled with the ambrosia.
Maria chuckled and sat on the bed next to me, "my mother made it, my father is a butcher in town, we have Sunday dinners together and they always make me take far too many leftovers."
I smiled, "you are lucky, you have to tell your mom how wonderful of a cook she is."
"I will," Maria said.
My thoughts went to my own mother and her cooking, she was decent enough at making meals. But my father had always been in charge of marinating and cooking the meat, especially the venison that we brought back from our hunting trips. I missed my mother at times like this, I missed her hugs and telling me to be strong. I felt my eyes begin to water and I fanned my face. I had worked hard on this make up, there was no way that I was going to let it get ruined because I couldn't hold my shit together.
I sat on the bed next to Maria and finished the food in silence, having her presence in the room with me was a comfort. I suddenly heard a knock on the door, Jackie's long box braids swinging in a ponytail. "We need to talk."
"Hello to you too," I said with another mouth full of food. Jackie's eyes swung to Maria who took the container, now empty of the meal and closed it. "What's up?"
Maria raised herself from the bed, picked up her things and began to leave the room. Jackie took her place, but she was not happy. Her face was a mixture of anger, fear and shock. Taking a deep breath, she waited until she had my full attention before exhaling, "Graves is furious."
So, he had briefed the shadows on the oncoming mission, very Philip Graves like. "I am sure he is."
"How can Ghost do that? He can't just hand over PMC information, it's putting all of us at risk," she asked, crossing her arm over her chest. "Who does he think he is?"
A small part of me got defensive of Ghost, he hadn't asked for leadership on this mission. Price had commanded that he do it, just like he was commanding me to go into the compound, "he's sending me in too." I motioned to the silky red dress and make up that I was wearing, her eyes opened wide, not seeming to have noticed the ensemble.
"He's what?!"
"I am doing reconnaissance for exfil, supposed to get one of the cartel members to spill the beans on the compound layout," I said. I swung my hair around my head so that all of it was laying over one of my shoulders. It was long enough to drop to my waist now, the last time I had cut it had been before I went AWOL.
"He can't make you do that," Jackie shouted. But I put my hand up to quiet her increasingly angered voice.
"I am going to do it," I said before I took a deep breath, "he offered to put in his vote of confidence to release me from my contract with Laswell if I finish this." Jackie's eyes went wide, this was the first time ever that I had seen Jackie utterly speechless. But she was frowning at me, there was no excitement or happiness for me in those eyes.
"Jamie, I don't think that's gonna happen" she said, genuinely sympathetic to my situation, "not after the things you've seen and done."
"I would be a sleeper agent, or maybe they could release me to witness protection," I sounded so desperate now. I knew that I was wrong for letting my hope outweigh my reality, but I had to hold onto the hope that I could cling to. But Jackie's eyes pulled me back to the ground, she was right of course, knowing what I know now meant I was going to be a part of this team forever, whether I liked it or not. Laswell had cursed me. I could never go back to the way that things were before. Then I felt something in my belly, a part of me that liked that idea. Being part of this team, being linked to Ghost until the end. I liked the adrenaline rushes, the feverish fear, the darkness, the flame, the lives I was saving. Ghost had brought out that part of me, a part that I thought was gone but was actually just hiding behind the curtain of Master Sergeant Oswald. I felt my lip turn up and my sides clench, I was going to kill him one day. I had permission now.
Jackie's hand went to my face, caressing it just slightly, "I've seen the old you in those eyes the last few days Jamie." I thought back to my father on the day that I had graduated from Air Force basic training, he had told me that I was born for this. My eyes were burning with the need to cry, but I held my tears in and fanned my face again. "You look beautiful by the way."
"Shut up," I said with a chuckle. "Also, don't blame Ghost. He's following orders."
"Graves was shouting up a storm about Ghost and Soap and you," she said, crossing her arms over her chest again.
"Actually, I've been meaning to ask you something about him," I said with a deep breath, still fanning my teary eyes. "What is his relationship with General Shepard?"
Jackie frowned, "I don't know much because I'm new, but I know that Shepard lets Phil do his missions how he wants them to be done."
"So, Graves has a past with Shepard?"
"Yeah, he's one of our bigger clients from what Justin and the boys have told me," She was being informative, but she noticed the suspicion in my questions. "What are you thinking?"
"Philip is a loose cannon, and General Shepard and Laswell aren't telling me everything," I said, dragging my fingers through my hair in an attempt to get the knots out of it.
"Price and Ghost are the ones who are making things more difficult," Jackie snapped, "Philip is doing what he is told to do. Price is just a Captain, Shepard is a General, we should be following his orders."
"General Shepherd has an agenda Jackie, after eight years in the Air Force I thought you would understand that about leadership," I snapped back at her. "No leadership is clean."
"You and your blind distrust of authority..." she threw her hands up in the air.
"I think I would have a decent reason to distrust authority," I said, standing from the bed and putting my heels on. Oswald's face flashing in my mind slightly. The straps of the heels ran all the way up my calf, so I struggled to tie them properly. Gosh, they were high, but they had a nice thick base that I could balance easily on. Chunky, perfect for running away from depraved men.
"Besides, Philip is a merc and we both know that mercs don't follow the rules like the military has to."
"I'm a mercenary, you saying you can't trust me?" Her tone was rising with each passing word. I wanted to get away from this conversation, all I had done with people the last few days was fight with people. I didn't want to fight now.
"I'm saying that it would be wrong to trust everyone when we both know there is more going on here," I spat, lacing up the other heel.
"Well then you shouldn't trust Ghost, he's a loose cannon too," Jackie said. I needed a cigarette, badly but I stayed where I was looking at Jackie. I curled my hands into fists. But I couldn't find a reason to be defensive about Ghost besides how badly I wanted him.
He was certainly a loose cannon, and he had a decent streak of showing off how dangerous he was when he was angry. But I never felt threatened by him. Had I felt intimidated by him? Sure, but I felt in my soul that he would never hurt me. Ghost certainly had skeletons in his closet that he wasn't telling me about, but then again, so did I. I had never wanted to delve into what he had seen and done in his life. He had said that he hated the cartel, but all of us did. My heart began to race at the thought that there was a possibility that he couldn't be trusted as well, could you want someone and not trust them at the same time?
"Jackie, I don't have time for this," I said finally, taking a few practice steps in those heels, wobbling as I went.
"Jamie, you shouldn't go in there tonight, you won't come out of there with freedom," she took a deep breath and began to walk out of the room, "if you even come out at all."
My eyes flared at her, but she was already pulling the door to slam behind her. I wanted to cry, I wanted to put my head into my pillow and scream as loud as I could, but I had to make up for that. I had no patience to reapply. Instead, I pulled another cigarette out of my bag, and headed to the smoking pit near the administration building, ignoring the glares and hollering of the vaqueros and shadows that I passed in my dress and heels.
I found myself still smoking as the alarm on my phone went off and the sun finished setting beyond the desert horizon. Making my way to the front of the administration building, I found a convoy of several men and cars waiting for me. I kept my eyes to the ground as I walked up to them, but the clicking of the damn heels was like an alarm to them. All eyes scanned me as I walked. I wanted to vomit.
"Steaming Jesus," I heard Soap say I finally made my way to the front of the convoy of cars. Johnny's jaw was on the ground again. I looked up at Rudy who had his hand over his mouth, looking at me from my feet and up my body, he was completely frozen. Speechless. I smiled just a little, despite my mind running a million miles a minute over all the terrible and disgusting things that the cartel could do to me if I was caught tonight.
Then I saw Ghost round the front of the car with Alejandro. My mouth dropped open at the sight of Colonel Vargas dressed in a full tuxedo, a bow tie and pocket square included. He looked absolutely amazing, handsome and trim like a military man is supposed to look. But my eyes swung to Ghost who might as well have had lasers coming out of his eyes with how hard he was staring at me. I felt the heat of that invisible link between us spark, causing my skin to flush and a strange feeling of anticipation rush between my legs.
"Te vas mas hermosa, Senora [you look most beautiful, ma'am] " Alejandro said, causing me to break the stare with Ghost. His words were a refreshing remembrance that I wasn't meant to be scared. I had his protection while we were inside the compound.
"Me siento como un pedazo de carne [I feel like a piece of meat]" I said back to him with a chuckle. My stomach was turning as I felt the eyes of the boys on me. Rudy seemed to notice and I felt his presence at my side, yet I couldn't look at him, not with Ghost's eyes staring a hole into me.
"Are you alright, senora?" I heard his voice next to me, yet I still couldn't look up at him.
"No," I replied as I played with a pebble on the ground with the tip of my shoe. I felt my hands get unbelievably cold in the evening desert heat, anxiety growing with each passing moment of all of them staring at me. Finally, I got up the courage to look up and around at all of them, my eyes flared, I was tired of men looking at me like I was something and not someone. This was my body, and I was going to do what I had to do with it to get what I needed. End of story. "Is there a fucking problem?" I spat at the gawking looks.
Rudy's hand found its way to my revealed back. He wasn't being malicious in the slightest, he was trying to be comforting but my shoulders rolled in an attempt to get the skin-to-skin contact off me.
"Don't fucking touch her," I heard a downright lethal voice say from the passenger side of the car. Ghost's eyes were daggers at Rudy, who dropped his hand and turned his body to face him.
"What did you say?" Rudy said with his chest. I suddenly felt my ears turn hot, I didn't want to be touched but I had my own voice and Ghost was acting like an ass towards Rudy.
"You wanna start something, hermano?" Ghost spit back, his Spanish was awful with his Manchester accent. I put my thumb and my pointer finger to the bridge of my nose and straightened my back. Right now, all I wanted to do was hide away at the bottom at the closest lake.
"For the love of God!" I said as loud as I could, stopping both men in their tracks and drying up the testosterone that was drenching the air like water vapor. "I don't need you two playing white knight for me." I commanded in a voice that I didn't know I had. But no one gave me a look of disapproval, in fact Alejandro even gave me a nod of agreement.
It took only one look at Ghost for him to back off and go back to playing with his Tac-50 rifle, "Lets get on the same fucking page here, we get in and get out with the boss man.
Soap crossed his hands over his body, he was not wearing any tactical gear, just a black shirt and a black jeans. He wasn't going to be armed when he went in, that thought made my breath turn shaky. He looked a little pale as well, most likely for the same reasons that I was. We may not come out of this alive and I could see that exchange of acknowledgement as we looked at each other. There was concern in me for Soap, in the time we had known each other, I had divulged my darkest tale to him and in exchange he had taught me to use the sniper rifle as well as protected me several times. He had cleaned up the blood and puke from my bathroom... he deserved to live.
"Are we ready?" I said at last, looking around the circle of men. My eyes falling to Johnny who was distantly looking at the ground. I could only imagine the thoughts that were happening in his head, the fear.
"Not yet," Alejandro said, before reaching into his pocket and pulling out a silver balaclava and a black masquerade mask, holding the black one out to me. I looked at him with confusion, unsure of what I was supposed to do with the piece, "most people can't be seen with the Cartel, everyone will be wearing one."
I took the black velvet mask from him and slid it over my eyes, tying the string around the back and pulling it tight. I walked to the car as the others began to load their gear into the back, guns, handcuffs, grenades. I reminded myself that those things were only for if things went completely wrong, it was up to me to find a way out so things would go right. "Ash?" Ghost said, he was directly behind me as I put my hand to the handle of the car door.
"What?" I said, breath catching as I smelt his familiar cologne and gunpowder musk.
He held out a syringe to me, it was closed at the top, but it was full of a clear liquid, "midazolam injection, if you get into trouble and I can't help you stab this into their neck. It's enough to knock out a horse."
"And how do I get them to stand still so I can do that?" I said sarcastically, but his eyes did share the same charisma. Ignoring my question completely. He was scared, one of the first times that I had really seen him show fear like he was right now. Ghost wasn't fearful, he was Ghost. He is the walking dead, the devil in disguise. "You swipe this from Sergeant Balmaceda?"
"That's classified," he said with a sniff. "Can you do this, Jamie?" His question stuck with me and remembered the conversation that I had with Jackie earlier. I hated the fact that I had doubted him, because I had no reason to, but I also didn't have a reason to trust him now.
I nodded but I couldn't fully look at him, not without seeing myself in the reflection of his eyes and I didn't want to see what the drug lords would be gawking at the entire night. I took the needle from his hand and looked down at myself, "and where am I supposed to keep this thing?"
His eyes lingered down my sternum and back up to my face, how respectful. He pointed to the place between his pecs on his own body and cleared his throat. My mouth dropped open, "are you fucking kidding me?"
"Hidden in plain sight," he said, there was that sarcastic asshole again. I nearly threw the needle back at him but stopped myself when I saw the crow's feet next to his eyes wrinkle. I had never been this close to see the way his eyes smiled along with him when he found something amusing. I pulled the door open and scooted into the back of the car, trying to not reveal the black panties I was wearing up my dress as I got in. He handed me one last item; it was a tiny earbud that was the same color of my skin. "Your hair will cover it."
Ghost climbed into the back seat with me while Alejandro and Rudy took the front, Soap was on the other side with me with his head in his hands. "Let's go over this one more time," Ghost said, screwing the silencer on his sniper rifle tighter. "Alejandro and Ash will go in first, start gathering recon intel. Soap will go in directly after for the intel exchange."
Soap nodded next to me, "once I get to Sin Nombre, Alejandro will supply back up in getting him out."
"I'll secure a pathway for exfil," I said, slowly. I stuffed the earbud into my ear, humming slightly. "Can you hear me?"
"Yes," Ghost answered. I could hear him in my ear as well, and for some reason that little confirmation gave me a great deal more confidence than I had before. Fear seemed to drain out of me and was replaced by adrenaline gain. The convoy passed out the gates of the base, falling in line out into the city.
"Let's do this boys," I said, and from out of nowhere I felt my body temperature rise. I was pulled into my darkness without even looking at a Ghost. I was catching onto how to harness it the same way that he did. I opened my eyes and stared straight ahead of me. I wanted blood.