Be his queen of the Sanctuary?
I thought he was joking before, but it's starting to look like he's taking this thing further than I ever thought he would.
'I'm not sure what you mean', I tell him, feeling more anxious with every second. 'What exactly do you want from me?'
'Don't be scared', he says, trying to reassure me. 'All I really want from you is to just be you. And see if you and I can build something together. I think we could do great things together.'
'You mean, you want me to be your wife?' I ask him uncomfortably.
'No, I'm not asking you to marry me. Not right now, anyway', he adds with a wink.
I honestly can't breathe right now. He's taken my breath away before, but at least it was in a good way then. This is absolutely crazy. I can't marry him at any point in time! Even if I wanted to, I wasn't supposed to stick around long enough.
'Okay, calm down', Negan says, gently grabbing my shoulders when he sees the panic in my face. 'It was just a joke. We're not talking about marriage here. All I'm saying is that I want to see where things can go with us. And we can't do that with my wives in the picture, can we? You deserve someone who's committed to you.'
'You want to commit yourself to me?' I ask him, feeling a little dazed.
'I just really like you', he tells me. 'Don't you like me?'
'Sometimes', I blurt out. Being more honest than I probably should be. But he laughs and pulls me to his chest.
'I want to take care of you', he says, caressing my hair softly. 'I think we'd be good for each other.'
In a weird way, maybe we would be. If he'd really listen to me, maybe he could be less fierce and all the communities and the Sanctuary could live in peace together. And I can't deny that I liked spending time with him these past few days. I felt relaxed for the first time in ages, taking that bath with him and sleeping in his arms. And I haven't forgotten how he surprised me with new meds for Ella. Nobody has ever done anything like that for me. I believe that he could keep us safe and maybe... maybe taking care of Ella and my patients wouldn't be so exhausting if there was someone to take care of me as well, at the end of the day.
But of course, it's crazy to even contemplate it. For every kind thing he's done, he's done twice as many horrendous things. He sounds honest enough, but really... why would he want to make any changes for me? Or even if it's real, who knows how long it will last? He may say that he likes to have somebody offer him another perspective on things, but he didn't exactly seem to appreciate it when I spoke up against him. And after having all those wives, does he really want to be with just one woman? What if he grows tired of me and wants to change things again?
What if I've fallen in love with him by then?
'Maybe uhm...' I start, still trying to wrap my mind around everything. 'Maybe we could go back to your room to talk about this?'
'Of course.'
I break free from his embrace and offer him a nervous smile, then turn around and walk ahead to try and get my thoughts in order.
'Don't forget your smelly rabbit', Negan says, tossing me the thing when I turn around.
'Oh, yeah, thanks.'
I can feel his eyes on me as we walk beside each other, back to his room. I have to tell him no. Of course I do. Even if I wanted to accept, I would ruin my relationship with Ella forever. And I don't want it anyway. Do I? No. Of course I don't. I want to get away from here with Ella. Get back home, back to Alexandria. Back to our friends, back to our house, back to my patients.
Is that really what you want? Or is it what Ella wants?
God, I hate that nagging voice in the back of my mind. Of course it's what I want.
I take a careful look at Negan beside me and catch him frowning somewhat concernedly at me. But when he sees me looking at me, he quickly changes his features into a smile. Is he nervous about my answer? Negan doesn't get nervous, does he?
The way back to his room seems longer than the way to the storage room, somehow. Even though it's the exact same route. Probably because there's this weird tension between us now. I feel like I should say something, but at the same time I'm afraid to say anything. Negan doesn't seem to like the silence.
'At least say something', he says when we've finally reached his room. 'Turn me down if that's what you want. You never had any trouble with that before.'
His tone seems to be light, but I can still hear a slight edge to it. I suppose I can't leave him hanging forever. But I don't know what answer to give him yet.
'You surprised me', I tell him truthfully. 'I didn't think you cared that much about me. Or that you even really trusted me.'
'Did it not look like I cared about you?' he asks, taking my hand to lead me to the couch. He drags me down with him and we sit close to each other. 'Haven't I tried to make everything as comfortable as possible for you here? Why do you think I sent my men out to search for your sister's meds?'
He seems so earnest when he speaks to me. Sometimes it seems like he really believes he's only done good things. Maybe he does. But even though he has made everything comfortable here and I'll always be grateful for the meds, I remember how we got here.
'Yes, Negan, you've been very good to me, but... you did bring me here against my will. If you really cared about me, you wouldn't have dragged me from my home.'
I suck in my lip after I say that. I haven't brought that up in some time. Because I've been making him believe that I want to be here. But you wouldn't practically kidnap somebody you really care about, would you?
He looks a little stung by my words. But he tries not to show it and squeezes my hand.
'I brought you here because I cared about you. I could see that you needed me every time I went to Alexandria. You were making wrong choices, putting yourself into danger. Your sister was out of your control. I felt so bad for you when you begged me not to punish her after she sneaked in here with Carl.'
'You felt bad for me?' I ask him skeptically. 'You didn't show it.'
If anything, he seemed amused by the whole thing. Happy to find himself one again in a situation where he could manipulate me.
'I asked you to be me wife so I could make things easier for you. But you refused', he replies, taking on a defensive tone.
'Exactly', I reply, getting a bit agitated. 'I refused. So you decided to just take my choice away and bring me here anyway?'
'Because you were too proud to take my help', he argues. 'So when I lost my doctor, I saw an opportunity that I couldn't let go to waste.'
'Too proud to take your help?' I repeat, yanking my hand out of his, because I'm getting really worked-up now. 'You make it out like I'm some sort of damsel in distress. Things weren't easy, but I managed just fine on my own.'
'Okay', Negan says, trying for a more reassuring tone. 'I know that. But forget about how you got here for a second and think about how it's been for you. Tell me the truth, hasn't it been easier?'
Easier? I'm about to tell open my mouth and tell him no. But then I close it again and think about it for a second. In some ways, things have been easier, I suppose. There's always enough food. There's plenty of medical supplies. I've made some new friends. I've felt saver than I have for months in Alexandria. And most importantly, I haven't had to worry about Ella so much. She has her medication again, so she's at no risk for seizures.
Yes, I'm happy with all that. But once upon a time, Alexandria offered all that. And though Negan may not have caused all problems... because food had been a problem for a while and the Wolves shattered my feeling of security... he certainly didn't make things better when he took over control.
'Yeah, I guess things have been easier', I admit reluctantly. 'But you could have made things easier for me at Alexandria. You're the one that put me in an impossible position when you took away Ella's meds.'
'Well, I'm not perfect', he says, moving closer, since I tried to move away. 'I wanted you close to me. Call me selfish if you want.'
I huff, but I'm not sure what to say. Because even though he makes me angry, a tiny part of me likes to hear it. I wanted you close to me.
'And I really did need a doctor', he adds, with a small smirk.
'And here I am', I say irritatedly. 'I'm your doctor and I've slept with you. Haven't you gotten everything you wanted from me? Why make this anything more?'
'Because I don't want to lose you, now that I have you', he says, sounding fiercer than I was expecting. 'I can see it in your eyes every time, you want to give in to me, but your brain keeps telling you it's a bad idea. I nearly had to tie you to my bed the other day to keep you in there.'
Again, I bristle, but don't respond. I still find it hard to believe that he really wants to make this something more. I would have never asked him to give up his wives. I never would have believed he'd want to.
'I would love to tie you to my bed, by the way', he jokes, breaking some of the tension. I shake my head disbelievingly and let out a short chuckle.
'You want to know the truth?' I ask him. 'You're right. Whenever I'm alone, I convince myself that I should stay away from you. But when I'm with you, all I want to do is stay.'
'I know', he says confidently, reaching out to brush my jaw. 'Maybe I should just never let you out of my sight again. Won't give you a chance to start doubting.'
'Hmm', I respond, smiling at him. 'Actually, that might just cure me of you altogether.'
He chuckles and runs his hand down my arm to take my hand again. I don't pull away. Not yet, anyway.
'So what are you thinking, Christina?' he asks me, taking on a more serious demeanor again. 'I haven't heard a no.'
That should be the answer, right? I should tell him right away. Get it over with.
But the word doesn't leave my lips. Instead, I tell him:
'I have to think about this.'
To my surprise, he smiles. Like this was exactly the answer he was expecting and he takes glee in being proven right.
'Of course you do.'
He doesn't seem too upset about it. Because he leans in closer and kisses me. Ugh, his lips on mine almost make me want to say yes.
But it doesn't last long. He draws away again and holds my face in his hand to look at me closely.
'Take all the time you need.'
'Alright', I say. My heart pounds fast. Not just because he's looking at me with his usual verocity, but also because my head's spinning, trying to wrap itself around everything he told me. Maybe I should go, try to calm down a little. Maybe he wants me to leave, since I didn't tell him yes.
'I should probably go back to my room', I tell him. 'Think about everything.'
'If that's what you want. But you could also stay here so I can show you why you should say yes.'
A twinkle appears in his eyes when he says that and a flutter rushes through my stomach.
One more night, I told myself before I got here. But something tells me that this won't be the last time, no matter what I choose.
'How would you do that?' I ask him.
'Oh', he says, his eyes traveling down to my lips. 'I've got some ideas.'