The door knocks and I'm surprised to see Sarah standing there, her face screwed up unhappily. Her arms folded tightly across her chest defiantly. But her jutting bottom lip and tapping foot were giving her away.
"Do you want..."
Sarah doesn't wait for me to finish, or really start before she storms in, sidestepping me like physical contact would burn. Exhaling, my shoulders slump as I follow her into the main room. The long, grey days of January have swept past in a blur of hail and rain. I'm nearly five months pregnant. My belly is unmistakably swollen. People glance at me as I pass down the street, the judgement like sharpened daggers in their eyes. The occasional tut-tut of disgust, a shake of the head - another teenage girl pregnant, two lives ruined. Insert your judgmental nonsense here.
Sarah storms into the front room, her eyes glancing over my coursework spread across the carpet and coffee table. She brings with her the scent of musky body spray and car fumes. Swallowing hard, she glares as she turns to face me.
"We need to talk."
"I'm leaving in one hour. I've got my interview for Oxford."
She glances down at my belly and self-consciously I tug at the billowy blouse I'm hoping will cover the bump. I'm not naïve, I know I can't hide it from them forever. And I know I'd have to care for a baby whilst living and studying miles away from everyone I know, but I was choosing to ignore the list of overwhelming challenges. I can't walk away from my dream. I won't. Logic be damned.
"Fine."
She exhales and sits down in the armchair. She fixes narrowed eyes on me until I sit down on the settee opposite her.
"I thought about what you said. Maybe I did want to hate everyone at the Academy, though I haven't been proved wrong on that count. And maybe I did think we'd have something in common coming from the same street."
I say nothing.
"It doesn't make everything else OK," she adds bitterly.
"I wouldn't expect it to. And I didn't tell you because I thought it would." The tension is so thick it makes my head throb. I don't get morning sickness anymore, but my back hurts a little more each day and sleeping is growing more and more uncomfortable. Quite frankly, I don't have the patience for this.
"And just because you have some kind of complex about growing up with the rich kids, that doesn't justify anything either."
"And I never said it did," I snap. "What do you want from me? Do you want me to say that almost every person I knew at that school is now pretending I don't exist? Do you want me to say that every academic decision I've made since I was in primary school is probably going to be for nothing? Do you want me to say that my ex-boyfriend found someone new within days and has presumably worked out how to use a condom unless she's now pregnant too?"
"I don't feel sorry for you."
I purse my lips and inhale deeply, trying to calm myself. I hate her knowing all this about me. I dislike the weakness it shows. It makes me feel like she can see right inside under all the armour to the soft and fleshy parts I try to hide.
"I spoke to Tessa."
"What? Why?"
"Well, technically, she spoke to me about a week ago. You're not answering her messages and she's worried about you. Explain to me why a good, sweet person like Tessa would care about someone like you?"
"You've answered your own question again."
She growls under her breath.
"You know what I think bothers you? You didn't want to be friends on that first day. What you wanted was someone who would giggle and sneer alongside you whenever the people you had already decided to hate did something to confirm that hatred. You're annoyed you got treated exactly how you'd planned to treat everyone else. You hate spoilt brats, fair enough, but why go to a school full of them? What does that say about you?"
She looks at me for a long time and I know I've hit on a germ of truth. She stares out the window.
"I don't forgive you."
I exhale deeply, closing my eyes as pressure builds behind my eyes. Another bad night's sleep was catching up with me.
"Then don't. I didn't ask you to, and if you're not doing it for you, then you shouldn't."
Her lips narrow, and she stares at me in confusion.
"I'm only here because of Connor."
My heart speeds, and I squirm a little in my seat. I hadn't seen Connor since New Year's, and the truth was, I missed him. I still didn't understand what was going on with him, what the secrets around his conviction were and why I was being kept in the dark, but I didn't care. Connor had been the most unexpected part of my life since I'd found out I was pregnant, and though I didn't understand what that meant, or what I meant to him. It didn't stop the way I felt.
Sarah's watching me closely as if she can sense my thoughts. Then she sighs and runs her hand across her face. She turns away again.
"Our parents shouldn't have had kids, and they sure as hell shouldn't have had four of them. It's not like Mum learnt a lot about parenting from Nan. She's great now, but... she was a mess for a long time. Anyway... Connor's the oldest and when they were too far gone to care for us, he did. When most kids were busy gaming, he was making sure our little brother and sister had something to eat. He was changing nappies when he should have been doing homework. He was the one who helped me fill out the forms for that stupid scholarship. I did it for him. That's why I joined the Academy because I thought it would give both of us a better future. That maybe one day I could return everything he gave up for us. And he did it all with a smile. I don't know how he did it, but he did."
She bites her lip, eyes turning shiny even as she focuses on the street outside.
"Eventually social services figured out what was going on and... my little brother and sister were taken away. Nan looks as fit as an ox, but she can barely get out of bed some days... they weren't going to give her Becca and Simon, no matter how hard we fought. Connor was nearly eighteen anyway, and the Academy was only a bus ride away for me, so they didn't fight us coming to live with her. It broke his heart, losing them. He'd fought so hard and for so long. After that, he still smiled, but they weren't real smiles. Not really."
She looks at me now, and whatever she sees on my face makes hers soften. Her hands twist on her lap.
"Simon was sent to a family miles away, but Becca's just across the city. Probably only a few streets away from you. We never liked the family, but... she seemed happy. And then it started to change. She got quiet, lost weight, stopped calling, stopped wanting to see us. The family she was living with had an adult son. He doesn't live with them, but he was around a lot. His name is Christian Peters."
I frown. The sudden clash of the Grady's with families I knew felt strange. My stomach drops as I take in the meaning of the words.
"I know that name. And I know the Peters's. But... what are you saying?"
She nods, snorting.
"I think you know what I'm saying... Becca wouldn't admit it. We tried speaking to the police, to social services but... nobody would listen. Connor and I... we started following him, trying to find evidence, and one day... we saw them together. She's fifteen, Annabel. Connor just... he lost it. Christian was in the hospital for weeks, and they arrested Connor for harassment and assault. Becca still won't admit what Christian's done, so as far as anyone is concerned, Connor is just a thug who didn't want his sister to have a good life. In a few months, he'll be sentenced and... the Peters have a lot of friends."
My blood has turned to ice. I close my eyes. Images of pain flashing across Connor's face all make sense now.
"Yes, they do."
"I'm guessing they'll give Connor as long a sentence as they can. His lawyer thinks around three years."
My fingers grip the settee. The pain I'd seen written on Connor's face made sense. The desire to rush over, to hold him, to comfort him. It was new and strange, but I'm not sure I'd ever felt anything so strongly. Sarah is crying, fat tears dripping down to the carpet from her chin.
"Christian left after. I think he wanted to distance himself from it, so he took a job in the States. So... Becca is safe for the time being, I guess, but... if she would just admit what Christian had been doing, then we might get Connor's case looked at again. Charge him with a lesser offence or something. But she doesn't want to admit what Christian's done. She's protecting him over the person who lost his childhood and now his adulthood trying to keep her safe." She looks at me, pain and desperation on her face knocking the air from my lungs.
"I'm sorry." She shakes her head and raises her hand. Her lips purse and some of the old Sarah returns.
"Since you've been here. Connor smiles. Really smiles. And when he's with you, sometimes I even hear him laughing. He's keeping his distance from you because of what's gone on between us. Because he always puts me and my brother and sister first. And that's who he is. But even if I think his taste in women is diabolically bad. He deserves a bit of happiness before... before he's locked away like an animal for years. Even if I wish it wasn't with you."
"Me and Connor... we're not... we can't be..."
She rolls her eyes and raises her hands.
"I'm not going there with you. Call it what you want." She stares at me for a long time. "So I'm going to try not to hate you, for his sake."
My desire to snap back feels wrong right now, not when all I can think about is Connor. What he's going through. What he's lost.
"Anyway, I just needed to tell you that. He hates talking about it. And even though he isn't going to appreciate it, it's time somebody else looked out for him for a change."
She stands up, some of the anger and sadness having dropped from her bones. I follow her as she walks to the back door.
"Sarah?"
She turns on the doorstep. Her face neutral, if blotchy from crying.
"He means something to me, too. This isn't... whatever this is..."
She chuckles.
"You've never liked anyone before, have you? I never understood why you were dating the human mushroom Kyle Swanson."
I shrug, my hand resting on my belly.
"It's what people expected, it's what I expected." She smirks, leaning against the doorframe in a way that reminds me of her brother. I look down at the ground, at my toes curling in their fluffy socks. "You're right. I've never liked anyone before. I've always known what to do because I've always known why I'm doing it. What the end game is. I don't that here... and that scares me."
Her eyes widen in surprise when I look up to meet her gaze. I feel lightheaded, surprised by my sudden burst of honesty. She looks at me like she's seeing me up close for the first time. She growls, under her breath reluctantly.
"Like I said, he has terrible taste in women."
I giggle. I can't help it and slowly, so does Sarah.
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