The one thing I ask for from the gods. I only wanted to avoid getting caught or running into the other Hashira. For some reason, the Gods figured I was okay and could handle it independently. In truth, I was terrified.
How many friends have I lost? How many people trust me? People trust the Hashira, respect them, and believe in them. How can I move forward knowing I am not trusted or believed in?
All of these negative thoughts...
"You must let the negative energy leave your body," Shinobu says, sighing. She straightens her back, her fingers in a meditating pose on her knees. Her eyes closed as she focused on the soft wind blowing by.
I follow suit, trying to meditate. "O-Okay...I think I did it." I hesitate, unsure if I am doing it right.
She giggles lightly. "No, you're not. I can hear the anger in your voice. You are still angry about something."
I never thought I was angry at that moment. What could she mean by that? The anger in my voice? I was happy where I was. I was adopted into a lovely family, training to protect them. What could I be angry about?
"Maybe...your past?" She questions.
That's right—my past. I was angry about my friend dying for me when I told him to run.
"Let it go. You must let it all go to find peace and concentrate on a fight."
I breathe, taking air in and letting it out. I'm surprised Sanemi hasn't yelled at me yet, or at least done something. He must be thinking hard about what to say. Instead of being brave and looking up at his expression, I turn and bolt out of the hallway.
Running away didn't do much for me as I bumped into a broad figure after turning a corner. I tense up as my backside connects with the wooden floors. I gasped lightly at the unfortunate fall, but looking up at the Hashira before me did nothing to compare. I was expecting a small, harmless insult from the man as he helped me up. But that expectation quickly changed once his eyebrows knit together, a frown forming on his face. He glares at me, anger taking over. "What the hell?!" he bursts out.
I didn't notice how close Sanemi had gotten until he grabbed a fistful of the collar of my uniform, yanking me upward off the floor aggressively. "You don't deserve to be in the rank of Hashira, let alone in the Demon Core!" I could practically hear his teeth crack under the pressure of them clenching so hard, my breath hitching at the amount of anger radiating off of him. "You should be ashamed of yourself!"
It's as if my heart sank into my stomach. The sudden urge to throw up at the pressure that's been building ever since the trial was so strong I almost couldn't hold it back. All those years of building relationships and keeping them safe....has it all gone to waste? Have I lost what I've worked so hard to get back? A family...friends...
All because I believe there are good demons in this world. Was it worth it? After taking care of not saying a word about my past for eight long years...was it really worth it? I could feel my fingernails digging into the palms of my hands from how tight I was clenching them into a fist. My eyebrows knit together; my teeth clenched as my blood boiled.
Yes! I saved a boy, for crying out loud! Tanjiro Kamado, a boy who was all but kind and cared about his sister who was a demon. All he wanted to do was save her and make her human again.
With as much strength as I could muster during this stressful situation, I pushed Sanemi back, feeling his hand release my shirt. The action pushed me back a bit, but not as much as Sanemi, although he was still rather close.
My eyes burned with the urge to cry. I tried to hold them back so I wouldn't look so weak in front of Sanemi, of all Hashira, but they managed to slip past the dam. I didn't realize I was biting my lip so hard until I glanced up at him, his deep glare causing me to flinch.
"I...." The words wouldn't come out. How am I supposed to back myself up? Is it...worth explaining the truth?
The sound of his tongue clicking echoes throughout the quiet hallway, warning me of his next surge of words. "I don't want to hear a word from that disgusting mouth. No....a traitor. That's what you are. A goddamn traitor. I don't know what the Master was thinking, but don't think for a minute that I'll let you live a peaceful life after your support for demons."
The words that came out of his mouth caused me nothing but pain. Each insult after another sends my heart deeper and deeper into the depths of darkness. I was so shocked that I didn't get a chance to say a word as I watched him turn and stomp away as quickly as he came.
"Mommy, what is that?" I point with my free hand at a couple of children my age kicking a ball around. I blinked up at my mother, her hand instinctively tightening around my left one as she glanced at where I was pointing.
She clicks her tongue, gently pushing my raised hand down. "Kana, it's not nice to point at people," she smiles with her light scolding, "And what do you mean? They are children playing."
"Siblings?" I asked quietly.
My mother giggles, shaking her head, "No, sweetheart. Those are our neighbor's children. They are friends playing ball."
I look back to my mother, who has now kneeled down to my height, "Friends...?"
She looked at me with wide eyes as if she was surprised by my words. "Yes...friends. Honey....promise me you'll make friends," her lips curl upwards once more, a fond smile gracing her lips, "I wouldn't want you to be alone."
I wasn't sure what she was talking about, but I nodded nonetheless. "I promise, Mommy."
My back hits the wall a bit harshly, my hands covering my face as I slide down to the floor. Friends. If only I had known how hard it was to keep friends by my side so I wouldn't be alone.
"I'm sorry, mom....I broke that promise."
— — — —
The bright moon reminded me of something I hadn't thought about for a long time. The first time I ever lived with my new and third family was one I couldn't forget. However, after losing my second family, I cried and cried all the way back to Tengen's home.
Now that I think about it, he must've felt awkward since he has never really dealt with a kid.
Outside of his tough exterior, Tengen is actually a soft teddy bear. My 11-year-old self couldn't handle the new change. Everything I knew and loved was destroyed, and I couldn't process it right. At his new home, I remember his wives pampering me to get a good night's sleep and a good room. But on that night, I could only stare up at the ceiling, too scared to fall asleep for nightmares to take over my dreams. Instead, I got up and searched for the man who had taken me in. I found him slowly drinking an alcoholic drink on the Engawa, the cool night air brushing past.
"Huh? What are you still doing up?" Tengen asked, a bit shocked to find me in his room by the open doors to where he sat. I didn't respond. Even though I begged him openly to train me, I still found him new in my life. In other words...I was a bit scared to be close to him. "Can't sleep?" He finally spoke, turning back around to look at the night sky.
He let out a long sigh, "You look like you've gone through a lot," he turns back to me with a soft smile, "but don't worry. You're safe. I'll protect you."
He was even more shocked to watch me approach him and hug the arm that was holding him up from the floor. His other hand held onto a small cup for his drink. Soon, his body relaxed, and he smiled. His eyes went back to the moon, and I followed. My grip on his arm tightened as I lowered myself to sit beside him. After a few minutes of silence, my eyelids close, darkness taking over in a dreamless sleep.
A small smile graces my lips as I watch the moon in the night sky. The soft wind blows by from my spot on the roof of the Butterfly Estate. It's been a few hours since Sanemi confronted me. I seemed to have lost any effort to try to get myself together. Now...now I'm reminiscing about the past.
"I'm so pathetic..." The words escaped my lips before I could even think. But before I could react, a soft footstep beside me alarmed me of a visitor. But I didn't have to look to see who it was.
"So this is where you've been." Shinobu's soft voice pushed my stress away quite a bit. "Meditating, perhaps?"
Her beautiful haori brushes against my arm as she sits beside me. I chuckle softly at her words, though, "I wish. I can't seem to focus anymore."
She hums in thought, "Too much on your mind?"
I wanted to laugh. Was she being serious? Or was she trying to insult me in her own skilled way? Of course, my mind is overflowed with things I can't even comprehend. Especially after the trial meeting and Sanemi, there's no chance for my mind to be blank.
"Quite a lot," I decided to say.
She hums again, tucking her knees into her chest to get more comfortable. "Well, I'm here now."
I nodded, clearing my throat to think appropriately about what to say. "Shinobu...do you...hate me?"
The Insect Hashira didn't say anything for a few long seconds. Her silence told me exactly what she was thinking. After the incident with Sanemi, how does she not hate me like all the others?
"I suppose there's really no reason for me to feel such a way towards you," her words shocked me, my green eyes now meeting her purple ones, "I've seen you fight demons. I believe that the past you spoke of...was only in the past."
I could feel a small piece of my heart returning to its rightful place. Hearing her say that...was something I never thought she'd say.
"But, if you were friends with a demon right now, I wouldn't hesitate to kill you." She gives me a closed-eyed smile, one I know full well that I never wished it'd be sent towards me. An expression that gives you all the proof that she's serious.
Sweat begins to build on my forehead. An awkward and nervous chuckle escapes my lips. No one knows how scary she can really be. "R-right..."
Forgetting about her horrific words, I turn back to the moon. My chin rests on my knees, something important coming to mind. "I miss him..." I say out loud, but Shinobu stays quiet as if she is waiting for more, "Tengen, I mean."
I chuckle at myself, feeling foolish for saying such things. "Ah...I guess I've grown attached. I just...I can't lose any more people." It'd sound weird to say I missed Tengen to others. No one expected him to be a father, of all things, but he's the only parent figure I've ever gotten closest to. Even at a young age of taking me in, he still cared for me and was always on my side.
"Then talk to him. He's your father, isn't he?"
My hands tighten around each other, "Yeah, but..." He'll be disappointed in me.
But when it comes to demons, I just know he'll have anything but me on his mind.