Hinata refused to talk to him about what happened after the match for the entirety of the following week and practices turned into a pure source of frustration. Hinata was watching Tobio's movements as much as no one else, and yet, he missed more spikes than anyone, too.
"Alright," Tobio said, finally running out of patience. The door of the locker room falling shut behind him underlined the scene fittingly.
It had been a week since the match against Ohashi—two weeks since they went to the amusement park. At this point, he didn't feel a single ounce of remorse; in fact, Hinata should be glad that he didn't snap earlier.
"Tell me what's going on, dumbass."
Hinata looked back at him and nearly tripped over a step of the stairs to the locker room. Quickly, Tobio grabbed his hand to keep him from falling. His heart made a small jump when his fingers curled around Hinata's wrist, but he refused to let the frown drop from his face.
"You said you'd get it under control, but so far, not much has changed." He glared at him. "Nationals will start in three weeks already, and for one of those weeks, I won't even be here to practice with you," he reminded him. As much as he looked forward to his departure tomorrow morning, with Hinata's distractedness practicing with him would probably be more helpful for Nationals than learning new things in the camp.
Hesitation shimmered in Hinata's eyes as they flickered from Tobio over the stairs to his hand, still wrapped in Tobio's own, and back up. Then, resignation clouded his gaze and a sigh escaped his lips. "I'm sorry," he said, and Tobio wasn't sure how often he had heard this phrase throughout the last weeks—definitely too often.
Hinata turned around to climb down the last few steps, his wrist falling out of Tobio's fingers. Quickly, Tobio hurried after him.
The first few steps, they walked in silence. Tobio was just about to speak up once more when Hinata breathed in. "There will be lots of great players in the camp, right?" he asked. His voice was so silent that Tobio had to strain his ears to understand him.
A crease built on his forehead. "I guess so, otherwise they wouldn't be invited."
Hinata's gaze dropped to the ground. "You'll enjoy playing with them, won't you?"
"Well, yes," Tobio shrugged. What was Hinata trying to get at? "There will be lots of amazing players. I'm sure it's an amazing opportunity to improve techniques." He was tempted to mention the possibility of being discovered by recruiters, but the words died on his tongue as he noticed Hinata fiddling with the hem of his sleeve. "I thought it wasn't about the camp?" he said instead.
"It's not!" Hinata exclaimed, hands thrown in the air. "It's- argh, screw it! You're distracting me! You and thinking about how you will meet all those amazing players that are way better than I could ever be."
Tobio stopped in the middle of the street, his brain screeching to a halt. A few steps later, Hinata stopped as well, without turning around. His shoulders were raising and falling with each heavy breath.
He was worried about the same thing Tobio had feared a few months ago; the fear of being replaced by a better option. But that wasn't the only thing that stopped Tobio in his tracks. "How am I supposed to distract you if you are supposed to pay attention to me in the first place?" he asked, scowling.
"Stupid idiot," Hinata said but Tobio couldn't be sure if he hadn't misunderstood him with the way he mumbled into his scarf. "Arrogant, stupid idiot." This time, Tobio was sure he heard him right. Indignation rose inside his chest. "I'm not supposed to pay attention to you, I'm supposed to pay attention to the ball and everything that happens around it. But that isn't so easy when you're distracting me all the time!"
"I'm not distracting you, I'm doing the exact same as always!"
"Yes, and that's distracting me!"
"Why would it?"
"Because things changed!"
"What things? Nothing changed!"
"Argh! I don't want to spell it out for you!" Hinata glared at him, as if it was Tobio's fault for not getting him. He stared back. If Hinata had to talk nonsense, it was his own responsibility to make the nonsense comprehensible. The air around them felt heavy, thick to the point where moving or even just averting one's eyes seemed impossible.
But then, something in Hinata's eyes snapped. The glimmer of desperation in them turned into a blazing flame of determination fueled by irritation. Taking a step forward, he took Tobio by surprise. His jaw slackened, lips parting as a hoarse noise made its way up his throat. It was silenced when Hinata's lips crashed against his own, a sharp pain shooting through his jaw at the collision.
His entire body froze up. The sensation of Hinata's fingers digging into the collar of his jacket, pulling him down into him, trickled through his entire body.
His lips were warm, a stark contrast against the cold air surrounding them. Warm enough for Tobio to melt into them, all thoughts leaving his mind as a foreign kind of serenity replaced the tension in his body.
When Hinata lowered himself back on his heels, Tobio's mind stayed in its paralyzed state. He couldn't comprehend what was happening. "I like you," Hinata whispered. His teeth dug into his lower lip as a rosy color spread over the bridge of his nose.
Tobio's mind was still trying to catch up with what was happening. For a moment, he was sure time must have stopped. Nothing moved, not Hinata, not the trees along the street—with them both holding their breaths, not even those soft white clouds billowed in the air.
Then, Hinata pulled away in a quick motion, within a split second getting a few feet of distance between them. The cold December air immediately sunk its claws back into Tobio. If it hadn't been for his heart beating in his chest strong enough to make it feel like his entire torso was throbbing, Tobio probably would have thought he had frozen up. His brain, however, felt anything but frozen, the same three words racing through it over and over. I like you. I like you. He likes me. Tobio could still feel the ghost of Hinata's lips on his, making it near impossible to focus on his thoughts.
He needed to say something. Soon. Now. The silence stretched, Hinata's eyes were slowly burning holes into Tobio's face, and he knew that he was waiting for some kind of reaction. But his thoughts were blank, his tongue tied to the roof of his mouth.
Tobio waited—hoped for his body to take some kind of action, to show him what the appropriate response was, but there was nothing. There was nothing, and then, there was fear. Fear of so many things, Tobio took a staggering step backwards. "I can't," he choked out before the silence could stretch for any longer. "I don't- We can't." He licked over his lower lip, the faint taste of Hinata still on them.
Hinata's eyes widened slightly—only the twitching of a single muscle—but it was enough for Tobio to see the split second of pain in them. His stomach cramped up even more.
Hinata swallowed. "Well, there you have it, at least. The reason I wasn't as focused." He turned away. "Can we move on now?" He hesitated for a moment, one foot slightly above the ground already, before he started walking again. Tobio needed a few seconds to process that they were continuing their way home. Once he did, he slowly caught up with Hinata.
The silence that hung between them in the cold night air was suffocating, but neither of them dared to break it.
Did Hinata actually like him? It was one of the main things Tobio was wondering. But why would Hinata lie about something like that? No, the look in his eyes had been honest. Tobio glanced over at him. The straight and rigid posture he was walking with told the same story.
It wasn't long until they reached the junction where their paths parted. Glancing over at Tobio, Hinata turned around, shifting his weight from one foot to the other. Tobio stopped across from him. With a deep breath, he looked up at him with a steady gaze, stopping the shifting. "I hope you'll enjoy the camp. And"—his brows drew together and in a probably soothing gesture, he balled his fists—"don't replace me with any other players. Nothing that just happened changes anything about that."
The determination Tobio was so used to had returned to Hinata's eyes, and something deep down in Tobio relaxed at the familiar sight. "Don't worry, as long as you don't slack off, that won't happen," he assured him, his voice just a trace softer, more hesitant than usual.
Hinata nodded once, then another time. After an additional second, he turned around and stalked off. For a moment, Tobio looked after him, something in him not accepting this as the end of the conversation. But Hinata didn't turn around, and Tobio wasn't sure what he was expecting, anyway, so he turned and walked along his own way home.
Maybe it was the guilty consciousness gnawing at him for the way he had told Hinata off. His mind was still trying to comprehend the last bits of what had happened, and he had solely acted on instinct in that moment. But now, the millisecond of pain in Hinata's eyes haunted him. You know better by now, you are more considerate, he reprimanded himself.
He wondered what he could have said to make it less hurtful for Hinata, but no matter what words he thought of, he doubted it would have been much nicer.
Weakly, he kicked at a pebble on his path. It had been the right decision, though. Hinata couldn't like him, and much less could they be in a relationship. Tobio buried his hands in the pockets of his jacket. Relationships were all harmony and sweet words, and he and Hinata were anything but. Being in a relationship with Hinata meant buying him flowers and going to schmaltzy movies with him, and that was something Tobio couldn't imagine himself doing.
Even if his stomach churned at the thought of Hinata's reaction.
His shoulders drawn up, he pressed his nose into the warmth of his scarf. With a quickened pace, he hurried home, trying to run from the feeling that weighed on him since telling Hinata no.
For the entire way home, his thoughts were racing, switching between justifying his decision and thinking about Hinata and how he was feeling now. Even when he climbed into his bed a few hours later, the heaviness in his stomach pulled him down into the mattress and his jaw tensed up every time he didn't pay attention to it.
The scene in front of the school didn't leave him alone, no matter how often he turned beneath his sheets. Each time he closed his eyes, the rejected shimmer in Hinata's gaze seemed to blind him to the point it hurt, even despite its original dullness.
Just stop it already, he begged his own mind, growing desperate as the hours passed. The point of his departure was approaching and starting off the camp like this—severely sleep-deprived and stuck in a predicament with his best friend and partner—was absolutely not what he wanted.
With a sigh, he threw his blanket away and walked downstairs to get a cup of hot milk. Once he returned to his bed, the steaming cup warming up his fingers, his eyes fell on the picture above his bed frame. Right next to the one with his grandfather and him playing volleyball, there was another photograph Tobio usually didn't pay as much attention to.
It was old, old enough for Tobio to not remember how it had been taken, but it showed him on New Year's Eve, maybe about two years old, with his father and his mother standing to both his sides. Tobio didn't remember much about his father, only that he and his mother had often argued, loud enough for Tobio to remember even fourteen years later how their shouting had woken him up countless nights. Shortly after that picture had been taken, his father had left.
See? a soft voice whispered in the back of his head. Their constant arguing only led to a broken marriage, it was doomed from the start. Tobio swallowed, his fingers curling a little tighter around the cup. The voice was right; he needed to stop doubting his decision. He would apologize to Hinata for coming off as so rude right tomorrow morning when he left for Tokyo, and when he returned, they would start from scratch and work out a new way of playing together without Hinata getting constantly side-tracked.
Laying the duvet around his shoulders, he leaned against the wall of his bed and stared at the photographs for a little longer. A few minutes later, the warm milk successfully started to cause sleepiness to settle in his limbs. The heavy feeling in his stomach stayed, but the heaviness of his eyelids was stronger and forced him into unconsciousness shortly after.
Tobio waited. And waited longer. But even after the entire team had already changed for morning practice, and the bus that would take Tobio to the train station for Tokyo would arrive soon, Hinata was nowhere to be seen.
When the time was drawing close enough that the team started to crowd around him and wish him a nice time, the weight in Tobio's stomach started to get heavier. It rooted his feet to the ground, making it difficult to even take a single step out of the gymnasium and towards the station outside the school grounds.
"You should go now, or you'll miss your bus," Daichi pointed out what Tobio already knew. He tried to, he just didn't want to leave. Not like this.
"Where is Hinata?" Tanaka asked. "Didn't he want to say goodbye too?"
"Don't look at me," Nishinoya said. "I haven't seen him since yesterday."
Right at that moment, footsteps approached from around the corner. Tobio turned around, his chest filling with anticipation; anticipation of seeing an orange blob of hair flying around the corner any second now.
"Yachi!" Nishinoya called out when she stepped into sight. Tobio deflated, all the tension leaving his body and resignation filling the empty space instead. Where was Hinata? He never missed practice...
"We thought you were Hinata," Tanaka said the moment she was in a comfortable hearing range.
"Oh." Yachi stopped, her fingers grabbing the fabric of her jacket sleeves. "He texted me this morning and said he wasn't feeling well. I don't think he will come to practice today."
Her brows were furrowed in concern, but it wasn't worry that made Tobio's stomach churn. Was it his fault that Hinata didn't come today? He gnawed on his lip, looking to the gates of the school grounds. He knew Hinata wouldn't magically appear there, but he couldn't help but wish for it, nonetheless.
The voices of his teammates who were talking about Hinata hopefully getting better soon faded into the background as Tobio got lost in his own thoughts. Once again he had been unable to express himself and gave others the wrong impression—hurt them, even.
"Hey, Kageyama." A hand touched his shoulder and he turned around. Sugawara was looking at him with a small smile. "We'll tell Hinata goodbye from you, don't worry. Go now, or you'll miss your bus." He gave Tobio's shoulder a clap. "Have fun, and learn some useful stuff for Nationals." With a wink, he gave him a final push to leave the gym doors.
Cautiously, Tobio's eyes wandered over the team. They were all looking at him with a reassuring smile—all except for Tsukishima who was plain out impatiently staring at him. None of them knew what was really going on and yet, they tried to make Tobio feel better about his departure.
Lowering his head, he thanked his team and hurried to the bus station. He really was lucky with his team.
♚
Radio silence. Radio silence was Tobio's sole company in Tokyo. That and the millions of thoughts that never seemed to leave his mind.
The urge to talk to Hinata about all the new techniques and strategies he learned was strong, nearly overwhelming him each time he looked at his phone. But whenever he tried to text him, hoping it would turn into a proper conversation, Hinata's responses were clipped. Tobio doomed his inability to make every conversation work, no matter the enthusiasm of his counterpart—that was Hinata's thing, at least generally speaking.
Being invited to this training camp had been a dream come true, one of the most important steps towards the future he wanted. It should have felt right, amazing, like an accomplishment.
But it didn't.
He listened to the advice he received, trained with the others and discussed various improvements with them, but it didn't feel the same.
The staying-out of extra practice requests.
The lack of energy in the feedback about his last toss.
The silence after a successful spike.
The encouragements that were shouted through the gym as if it was just another responsibility of your position; without real meaning or drive.
The lack of a suppressing presence on the court, demanding the ball and Tobio's undivided attention at once.
The lack of a smile, bright enough to warm him up even before practice time started.
Tobio tried to ignore it; it wasn't as horrible as he made it out to be, really. Obviously Hinata wasn't here, that was the whole point of it. He should be happy he wasn't here, because that meant that Tobio could improve and ultimately beat him.
It wasn't as easy, though. And when Tobio lay in his futon at night, it wasn't the cold that made him shiver himself to sleep, it was the lack of warmth.