I'm heading back into my hometown, but somehow I'm driving myself, the car unfamiliar yet familiar somehow. I drive the roads I remember, that I know like the back of my hand, towards my house, where my mom will be waiting for me. I pull onto the street, pulling up onto the drive, parking beside my mom's car. It must be Christmas break, because around me the first of the winter snow starts to drift from the sky, frosting the ground with a thin layer of white.
Excited to see her again, I rush out, almost forgetting to lock the car, and head for the door. But when I step inside, looking through to the open plan kitchen area, it's not my mom waiting for me. No, standing by the counter, leaning against it with her arms crossed over her chest, is a girl. Her long, straight silky hair brushes her waist as she pushes off the counter, beaming at me, her blue eyes bright and clear.
Before I can react, she wraps her arms around me, pulling me to her, and I don't know how I know, but I know that it's Red. She's changed her mind, and she's here, waiting for me. She finally wants me again. I pull away, holding her shoulders, scanning her face, waiting for the feelings to hit me.
But I feel empty, and her face is crumbling, like she knows that. She starts to cry, the tears flowing down her cheeks, falling heavily onto the floor, her face fully cracked open now. Guilt hits me like a punch to the stomach, and I hate this. I hate that she's crying. I hate that the reunion that I've hoped for for months, the meeting that I've waited for for years and years, is going like this. It can't go like this.
So I take her hands in my face and lean down to kiss her. I taste her tears on my lips as they part for me, and the moment they do, I feel what was missing. Fireworks, explosions in my chest, and a rising feeling of passion, so intense I inhale sharply through my nose, pushing my hands up into her hair, which feels so familiar-
I pull away quickly, eyes opening to see that Red is gone, replaced by Goh, his eyes wide as he stares up at me, his lips still parted, and that was him I was kissing, him that gave me that spark that was missing, that was why-
I jerk awake, eyes flying open, my breathing ragged. For a moment I'm completely lost, but then I take note of the window, the light streaming through, the sounds of the traffic on the street below. I take a few deep breaths, clearing my head, trying to push out the weird dream, but I can't shake the feeling of Goh's lips, even if they were imaginary.
I reach for my phone, tucked somewhere under the covers beside me, and when I open it, horror shifts through me, cold as ice. I have a missed call from Goh.
If someone's bothering you, just call me.
He called me, and I was asleep. Dread and panic sink their teeth in as I fumble to call him back, my hand shaking as I hold the phone up to my ear, feeling sick that I made that offer and then failed him-
"Hey," he says when he picks up.
"Goh? Are you okay? Are you-"
"Yeah. Yeah, I'm fine. I just called to see if you wanted to get coffee."
I blow out a breath, falling back onto the pillow, the panic seeping out. "Oh. I thought- I thought when I saw your missed call that someone was bothering you, and I missed it."
He's silent for a moment. "I'm sorry if I worried you. I didn't think about that."
"It's okay, I'm just glad you're alright." I rub a hand across my head, trying to wake up, and remember the dream suddenly. I swallow hard, my throat going dry. "What time even is it?" I ask, realising I never checked.
"Quarter to eleven," he says. I jerk upright, cursing under my breath, reaching for yesterday's outfit, discarded on the floor. Goh laughs on the other end of the line. "Slept in?"
"Lecture in fifteen minutes," I groan, holding the phone up with my shoulder while I fight to pull on pants. "Can I meet you after, though? Is the offer still there?"
"Sure, what time?" He asks.
"Half one?"
"Alright. Just text me where," he says, and hangs up. I don't have any time to worry about how I'm going to face him after last night's dream, even though it wasn't that bad. I race out of the building and jog the ten-minute walk to the lecture hall, arriving just before it starts, and somehow manage to sit through it.
I text Goh to meet me at a coffee shop between here and the flat in ten minutes, and head over there myself, mentally psyching myself up even though it's definitely not a date. I get there before him and order a coffee, sitting at a table far away from everyone else in the corner of the room, clutching it in both hands and watching out the window, waiting for him to arrive.
He arrives a few minutes later, dressed in a dark red sweater and dark jeans. He waves as he comes in, his smile lighting me up. I wait for him to order at the counter, then he walks over to me, and the nerves start to fill my stomach again.
"Hey." He sits opposite me. He has his hair pulled back into a messy bun on the back of his head, and his cheeks are flushed from the cold outside. "Did you make it on time?"
"Just." I laugh. "I should probably thank you for being my alarm."
"Do you not set alarms?" He raises an eyebrow at me, and takes a sip of his drink, wincing at how hot it is.
"Sometimes I forget," I admit, rubbing the back of my head sheepishly. "I'm pretty good at sleeping in."
He chuckles. "Why am I not surprised?" He takes another sip. "Have you seen any of the others this morning?"
I think about Clemont, walking in while Goh was sleeping on me last night, and pray I'm not blushing. "Not yet. I'm sure I'll see Cilan at some point."
"You like him?"
"Yeah," I say. "Do you?"
"Yeah, he's alright." He's gazing at me intensely again. "Listen, Ash... About last night-" He fidgets uncomfortably, turning to look out of the window instead. "I'm sorry about that, I just- I don't know, I suppose I got carried away, with the conversation and all-"
"Goh," I cut him off, shaking my head. "It's okay. I didn't mind."
He looks at me like he's trying to figure something out. I bite the inside of my cheek a little, feeling the nerves swirling again as he watches me. "You said Serena isn't your type, but... What is?"
My heart stutters in my chest. There it is- the first sign of flirting, or at least I think it is. A rush of chemicals runs through my veins, and I hide my hands under the table, afraid he'll see that I'm trembling slightly. "I don't really have one. I haven't... I'm rarely ever attracted to people."
"Is that why you've only ever had one relationship?" He asks, and I can see in his eyes that he's asking genuinely, not to mock me. I nod, sipping the coffee slowly. "I've only had one, too."
"And what's your type?"
His eyes dip to my mouth, just for a second, and all of my skin sets on fire. "I suppose I don't have one either."
"Was it a long time ago? Your relationship, I mean."
He nods, frowning. "Years ago. There was someone else, but... We didn't end up together."
My heart clenches painfully in my chest. It sounds like whoever else he was into... He's likely not over them, at least not completely. "Sorry, I didn't mean to pry," I say, frowning too.
He shakes his head. "I started it. Besides, I don't mind. I forgot to ask, where are you from, anyway?"
"A small beach town south of here," I answer vaguely, because no one's ever heard of my town, anyway. "What about you?"
"London," he answers, sipping the coffee. Red was from London, too. Probably different areas, though. It's a big city, after all. "You know, I really didn't expect to make any friends here, but I feel like I've known you forever."
My heart starts to pound as fast as it did last night, when he definitely heard it. Did that give me away? Is he flirting? I wish I had the answers. I swallow hard. I can't give in to these nerves. I'm usually bold, and always have been. I kissed Lillie as soon as I realised she felt something for me. I told Red how I felt about her first. This shouldn't be a problem for me.
"Ash?"
I look up, realising I'd been staring down into my coffee, and see Goh is staring right at me, his brows furrowed. I swallow hard, sitting straighter. "Sorry," I say.
"Where do you go?" He asks quietly, gently. "When you have that look on your face?"
My heart thunders in my chest again. I don't know how to open up to anyone about this except Dawn, and especially not Goh, who I don't want to scare off. I also don't want to give him the impression that I'm pining over someone else, but... He extended that hand to me when he showed me the song. He opened up to me about his struggle with his identity. I owe him at least a partial truth.
"Sometimes you remind me of someone," I admit, vague enough to not give myself away.
"Is that a good or a bad thing?" He asks sceptically.
Both. "It was someone I liked. A lot."
"Liked is past tense," he observes, smiling weakly.
I chew on the inside of my lip, turning to stare out of the window. Outside, the sky has gone so grey it may as well be dusk, the looming clouds threatening rain. "They broke my heart."
"I'm sorry," he says. I can feel him watching me, but I don't turn back, afraid he'll see what a wreck I can be.
"It's okay. I think it was for the best anyway."
He's silent for a few moments until I look back at him, and realise he's no longer looking at me, but starting out of the window too. He clenches his jaw. "Someone broke my heart recently too. I... I cut them off."
"Why?"
He hesitates, probably debating whether to answer that or not. I wait with baited breath, feeling my heart ache at the look on his face. "They showed me that they wouldn't love me for who I am."
Someone that contributed to his insecurity, then. Someone that didn't deserve him, if they couldn't accept him. "Then they didn't deserve you," I say in a low voice, and realise how intimate the words are right after. I open my mouth to say something else, anything, but Goh just turns back to me, eyes burning and mouth pressed in a tight line. The look in his eyes... It tells me that he needed to hear those words. He nods, as if accepting it himself.
"Yeah." He nods again. "Maybe they didn't."
I'm glad I let myself spend this time with him instead of shutting him out. I'm glad I let myself experience what it's like to meet someone and get so attached you'd give them the world. I never knew what I was missing until now. Dawn would tell me that everything happens for a reason, and I was meant to meet Goh. I would scoff and tell her to shut up, but the fire spreading in my heart would tell me that she was right.
— — — —
Another week of lectures and assignments passes. Despite my busyness, and Goh's tendency to hide in his room, we spend a lot of time together. We meet up between our classes, getting coffee or just hanging around. Sometimes, when it's late at night, I go to the kitchen, knowing I might find him there, sitting with a blanket over him, watching the TV alone. The first time, I worried I was just bothering him, but after the third, I realised he was waiting for me. I can tell that sometimes Goh would prefer to sit in silence, though. Sometimes he just wants the comfort of my presence.
He slowly starts to text me- small things, like random thoughts he wanted me to hear, or things he saw when I'm not there, or photos of cats he saw on the street. I always respond embarrassingly fast.
On Friday evening, we're texting back and forth, despite being in the same flat. Texting is fine, but I'm itching to see him, to get that rush of adrenaline. I chew on my lip, debating how to ask him, when I settle on something basic:
Wanna watch a movie?
His response comes through a few seconds later: Can't. Cilan's got his Switch hooked up to the TV playing Smash with May. I went in before and thought they were gonna bite each other's head off.
I laugh, imagining the sheer competitiveness of May playing Smash. Usually, I would go and join them, eager to let my own competitiveness show, but... You could always come watch it in here.
My heart flutters the whole time I wait for his response, wondering if that was too much. Every second stretches for hours until he responds, just a minute later: In your room?
Yeah.
Alright. Give me a few minutes.
I put my phone down and hop out of bed, reaching for the box of Red's letters still sitting at the foot of my bed. I keep meaning to put them away somewhere, or maybe discard them altogether, but I keep putting it off. I don't want to risk Goh seeing though, so I pull out one of the storage drawers under the bed and shove it in there, hiding it under one of the throws my mom forced me to bring. I turn off the light and flick on the lamp on my desk instead, but then pause, wondering if the lighting is a bit much. I've never been an overthinker, but I don't know how not to around Goh.
There's a gentle knock on my door, like he doesn't want any of the others to hear he's there. I glance at the lamp once more before sighing and heading for the door, pulling it open. Goh is standing at the threshold, wearing black sweatpants and an oversized t-shirt, his hair messy and his eyes tired. He reaches up and rubs one, smiling sleepily, and my heart jumps in my chest. "Hi."
I step aside for him to come in, and he looks around, but there's not really much to look at it in here. I make for the bed, because there's nowhere else to sit besides the one chair at my desk anyway, and Goh hesitates, just for a moment, before joining me, sitting on the edge of my bed too.
We end up sitting back in bed, Goh with his knees drawn up to his chest, his head resting on them, my laptop positioned between us, playing Inception. I glance towards him as it starts, and my heart stops in my chest. In this light, I can see his eyes aren't just tired, they're red, like he's been crying.
"What's wrong?" I ask, sitting up a bit. Goh turns to me, hugging his knees a little closer to his chest, smiling.
"Nothing."
I furrow my brows. "You've been crying."
He blinks, and rubs at his eyes like that's going to hide it, but I've already seen, so he sighs. "I'm fine. I was just thinking."
"About your friend," I say, knowing the answer before he nods. It breaks my heart, knowing he's so hung up over someone that didn't deserve him, but... I get it. I like to tell myself I'm so over Red that I could throw her letters out tomorrow, but it's a lie.
"Sometimes," he starts, turning away from me, "I forget that we don't talk anymore, and... When I spend time with other people, I feel guilty. Like I'm betraying them."
I hate seeing him like this, so torn up. I wonder if telling him about my own situation would make him feel better or not. "I know what you mean. Don't you think it would help if you reached out to them one last time and got some closure?"
Goh's eyes spark, and I see his breath catch. He thinks about it, suddenly very still. "I... I don't know. They might not even respond to me now. They probably hate me."
"I'm sure they don't," I comfort him. "What is it you're afraid of?"
He's silent for a few seconds again, and then reaches up and wipes his wrist over his eyes. My chest cracks when I realise he's crying again. "I'm afraid that it'll always hold me back if I don't. But I'm also afraid of making things worse."
My breaths come quicker, chest rising and falling heavily. "What is it holding you back from?"
A beat of silence. "Being with someone else."
I can barely breathe now. My heartbeat is so loud. "Have you met someone?"
He turns to look at me then, and a rush of chemicals races through my whole body, making me dizzy. "Yes."
I swallow, fighting the lump in my throat. "I'm with you, Goh. No matter what happens with your friend, I'm in your corner."
"It's you," he says so quietly I almost don't hear him. I freeze, everything in me going still.
"What?"
"I like you." He turns away from me. My whole body is on fire, breath caught in my chest, but he doesn't even seem to notice that his words have affected me at all. "That's why it makes me feel guilty."
I shift, the bed sheets rustling beneath me, so I can face him properly. His head is dipped, ready for rejection, and I wonder how hurt he must be to think I'd ever reject him. My heart soars as his words sink in. His eyes flick up to mine, and I don't give him time to react as I lean in and my mouth finds his. He lets out a little gasp, going still for a second, as our lips meet. I'm trembling, but I don't have any room for embarrassment, because my whole being is consumed by him. All my nerves fire at once, as Goh opens his mouth slightly, inviting me to keep going, but I don't think I could stop anyway, because this- It feels completely different than any kiss I've ever had before. This feels like fire, like burning.
I'm scared- terrified, even- of how much this could break me. Especially now that I know the feel of his lips, and how right this feels, like our bodies were made for each other, and for a moment, I wonder how I could ever have thought Red was the right person, when Goh exists.
My hands find his face, holding him there, my thumb brushing away the stray tear still rolling down his cheek. Nothing matters to me but the feeling of his warm lips, and the burning in my heart, the ignition of something that I know I'll have no control over now. Now that I know what this feels like, what he feels like, I'm giving in to my feelings, freefalling completely.
I have no idea how long passes, his hands roaming up into my hair, before I pull away, completely breathless. Goh is trembling beneath me, his eyes wide with shock.
"I like you, too," I say, still holding his face.
"I-" He chokes on his words, his eyes flicking back and forth between mine. "Are you sure?"
I laugh gently, the sound escaping me before I can stop it. "Yes. I've liked you from the moment I saw you." I don't care how embarrassing that is to admit.
He leans up to kiss me again, slower this time, each collision of our lips drawn out, mouths parted for each other, and I melt into him. I take a deep breath through my nose, pressing further against him as he sinks back against the headboard. I feel like I'm drowning in him.
Goh moves away from me, and it takes all of my strength not to move with him. I think I could kiss him forever and not get bored. The unrelenting heat in my chest fizzles out a bit in the cold that he leaves in his wake. He nods, smiling. "I'll get that closure, and then-" He reaches up to run his hand through my hair, pushing it back, and my heart skips. "I'm all yours."
I'm terrified, the idea of him reconnecting with his friend and falling for them all over again instead of me haunting my brain. I make myself nod, though, because for now, he is mine, while I have him here. I think he sees that in my eyes, because he blushes, slowly rising. Confused, I open my mouth to ask if he's leaving, but then he moves the laptop out of the way, the movie forgotten, and starts to move over me. My heart almost bursts out of my chest as he swings a leg over and straddles my lap, leaning in to kiss me. He steals the breath out of my lungs as his hands find the skin of my neck, his fingers pushing up into the bottom of my hair. I reach out for his waist, and I hear his breath catch as I touch him-
A knock on the door has him jerking away from me. Reality sinks in, and I close my eyes, taking a deep breath, trying to calm myself as Goh slides off my lap, the cold washing over me. He draws his knees up to his chest again, likely embarrassed about getting as lost in the moment as I did. I push up out of bed and head for the door, taking another deep breath before pulling it open.
Cilan is there, holding up a Switch controller, and I want to throttle him for his poor timing. "Wanna join in?"
I open my mouth to speak, but then his eyes narrow, and he stares over my shoulder into the room behind, but Goh is hidden from view by the wall, so there's no way he can see him. "Uh, maybe- Maybe later," I stutter, cursing silently at myself.
"Who's in there with you?" Cilan asks, a grin spreading over his face.
"No one," I answer, too quickly. I try to block the view of the room, but Cilan just grins even wider, and I turn to see Goh's head pop around the side of the wall, a sheepish smile on his face, his hair falling over his shoulder. "We're watching a movie."
"Sure," Cilan says, and when I turn back, his eyebrows are raised, his jaw slack from shock. I realise that he thought I'd snuck a girl in here. "Hey, Goh."
"Hey," Goh squeaks, and then he's moving, hopping out of the bed, running fingers through his hair in an attempt to hide how much I messed it up. He approaches us, and as he does I realise his lips are slightly red and swollen. Did we really kiss that much? I see Cilan notice it too as Goh slips past him into the corridor. I almost reach out for his arm, and beg him to stay, but he's already leaving, turning to give me an apologetic smile.
"I'll catch up with you later," he says casually, like he wasn't just sitting in my lap two minutes ago. I nod, my eyes following him until he disappears into his room.
"I didn't mean to interrupt-" Cilan says, shaking his head. "I had no idea that you guys were... I mean, that you're-"
"Don't tell anyone," I say, hating how pathetic I sound. "It just sort of happened."
"Of course. I won't tell a soul." He looks down the corridor, to where Goh's door is now shut, blocking us out. He stares for a few moments, and I get lost in my own head, replaying the image of him climbing onto me, until Cilan clears his throat, dragging me out of it. He smiles sheepishly and holds up the controller again. "So... Do you want to join?"
I laugh and reach out to take it from him. I could probably use the distraction anyway.
— — — —
When I return to my room later, and see the sheets still disturbed from earlier, my brain goes right back to it. I go into the bathroom, taking a cold shower, trying to cool myself down, and then brush my teeth, staring at myself in the mirror, wondering how the fuck I'm going to navigate this if Goh decides he wants to be with his friend instead. We've known each other for only a few weeks, and yet... I know I'm going to fall in love with him, even if he does choose them, because I already am falling. I have been since we met.
Pulling on a pair of sweatpants and a hoodie because it's cold, I crawl into bed, wishing Goh were there. I wonder if he's reaching out to his friend right now, typing out a message, to get that closure. I find myself wishing I could get closure, too, but I can't. Even if I wanted to, I have no way of contacting Red to get it.
I sigh and sink back into bed, figuring it's probably best to just get some sleep, when my phone buzzes, the sound cutting through the silence. Heart racing, I reach for it, praying it's a text from Goh, but-
A cold snap rips through my chest, and I go impossibly still, my heart stopping dead in my chest. A sickening, overwhelming wave of terror takes over as I stare down at the screen-
And the email sitting there from Red.