Serena and May don't seem to mind when I show up with Goh. They're already sitting at the table when we arrive together, because we decided to walk down with each other. They just smile up at us and wave, and once we order and sit down with them, they launch into a conversation with me. While Goh still doesn't speak much, every time I dare a glance at him he's smiling, and he seems more at ease with them than he did yesterday.
Occasionally, I feel Serena's feet knock against mine under the table. After the first few times, I figure out it's intentional. Her eyes are fixed on me, her chin resting on her palm and her elbow on the table, and I give her a tight smile, but unless she outright admits she's interested, I can't shut her down, because I might be wrong about it. Goh seems to notice too, and glances between us, his jaw tight. May seems oblivious, raving about a restaurant she tried yesterday.
After an hour, when we've long since finished our coffees, Serena and May have to leave, to meet with another friend they made while out shopping named Aria. They're standing to leave, walking around the table past me, when Serena slips a folded up piece of paper on the table in front of me. I look up at her, confused, but she just smiles at me, and follows May out, leaving Goh and I alone.
We both look down at the paper, and then up at each other at the same time. I reach out and unfold it, and like I suspected, her number is written across it neatly, each individual number written perfectly. I stare down at it, blinking, unsure how to react. If I weren't in the situation I am in, I might have texted her, just to see what happened, but...
"Bold," Goh says, but his eyes are narrowed. I fold the paper back up and shove it in my pocket, deciding I'll figure out what to do about it later. "Are you gonna text her?"
I wince a little, feeling harsh. "I... No, I don't think so. Not like that, anyway."
"Oh," Goh says, running a finger along the rim of his empty cup. "May?"
I shake my head. Is this an interrogation? My heart sinks as I wonder if he's asking to see if I'm competition, because he does seem friendly with Serena, and does smile at her a lot. "Are you into one of them?" I ask.
He pulls a face like he was about to laugh, and barely stopped himself. "I- No. I'm um..." His face glows red, and he turns away from me, staring down into the mug. "I'm not into... women."
I almost choke. Oh. Oh. He's gay. I don't realise I'm staring, and haven't spoke for a few seconds, until he glances at me, looking like his nerves are completely shot. I blink, trying to clear my head, but his revelation has sparked something to life in my brain, and I almost want to tell him, now that... Now that I know there's a chance. A real chance.
"Oh," I say, swallowing. "Sorry. I didn't realise."
"It's fine," he says down into the mug. "So yeah, she's all yours," he adds, jokingly. But his eyes flick to the side, meeting mine, and I realise he's waiting. My breath catches in my throat as I realise. He's waiting to see if I say that's why I'm not interested, too. But I can't, because I am into women, but also men too. That, at least, I've figured out about myself. I try to think of a way of saying that without outright admitting it, because that seems... forward, and he technically didn't ask.
"I guess she's just not my type," I say, panicking at the silence. "It's um... Both, for me."
His eyes widen, barely enough for me to notice, but I do. I watch as his chest rises and falls, and I wonder if he's feeling what I do- extreme nerves, and extreme butterflies. This is the closest I've come to flirting in person since Lillie, even though it's not really flirting at all. I think I might be sick. My throat is so dry. I need another coffee-
"Hm," Goh hums, leaning his elbow on the table, turning to face me better. "I'm usually good at picking up that sort of thing."
"You thought I was straight?" I ask. My heart is going to crash right through my ribs. It's an effort to keep my eyes from wandering to his mouth and giving myself away completely. It already feels like I'm dancing on a fine line.
"Yeah," he admits. "I mean, I shouldn't have assumed, but-"
"It's fine." I shake my head, looking down at myself for a second. "I guess a lot of people probably assume that."
"I think a lot of people assume I'm not." He laughs, and I know I'm blushing. "So, what are you gonna say to her?"
I'm both relieved and disappointed in the topic change. "I don't even know," I sigh. "I guess I'll just tell her the truth and hope it doesn't offend her."
"I don't think she'll be offended," he says, smiling. Then he starts to stand, gathering up his jacket. "Are you walking back to the flat?"
"I gotta go pick up some books," I say, as much as I want to walk home with him, just for the few extra minutes. He frowns, but nods. I would go another day, but lectures and classes start in three days, and I'm already out, so I should probably get them. We say goodbye, and leave each other, heading in opposite directions. I pick up the books and head back on my own, wondering when the next time I'll see him is.
— — — —
I don't hear from him for the rest of the day, and the whole day after. I consider asking him if he wants to go out for a drink on Saturday night, but I can't think of a way to ask without it sounding like a date, so I don't. Instead I spend the night with Cilan, watching movies in the kitchen, hoping Goh will come in, but he doesn't.
On the final day before uni officially starts, I spend the day preparing by reading through whatever was sent to my email, and it turns out to be a lot. I check out the first assignment, which is due in a week, and try to start it, but I'm too distracted. Needing to clear my head, I get dressed and head out to the park I spotted a few minutes away when my mom drove me in. I jog down there, and start to jog along the dirt path, the evening air chill but not cold. After a little while, though, I'm distracted by the slight pain building in my muscles, and as I jog back to the park entrance, my breathing rough, the jog taking all of my energy, I spot Serena, Clemont and Goh. From the look on Goh's face, I can tell he was on his own, and they intercepted him. Even though it's only been two days since I saw him, it feels like a lot longer, and I almost halt to a stop at the sight of them, sitting at a park bench just ahead of me. I could go back the other way and avoid them, since I know I'm probably a little sweaty and out of breath, but that would require jogging the whole way back around the circular route, and it would take at least half an hour.
It's that thought that has me jogging on, and I pretend to notice them for the first time when Clemont spots me and waves. Goh turns as he does, and our eyes meet as I come to a stop. Before anyone even speaks, his eyes travel up the length of me, and I almost wither under his stare, feeling exposed in the shorts and t-shirt. It's the first time I've worn shorts around any of them, and while I know I'm pretty muscular and don't have to worry about anyone judging, I suddenly feel nervous.
"Ash," Serena says, surprised. I haven't seen her, either, and I haven't texted her, so she probably wonders why. "I didn't know you jogged."
I push my hair back from my face, smiling. I'm still out of breath, but I take a few steps forward until I'm standing closer to their table. "Sometimes," I say, avoiding Goh's piercing gaze. "What are you doing out here?"
She shrugs. "Enjoying the last few moments of freedom before tomorrow."
"Fair enough. I gotta get back, or I'd join you."
"We're gonna meet tomorrow," she says quickly, before I can jog off. "Cilan's making dinner again. We were gonna watch a movie."
"Okay." I nod. "I'll be there. See you later, guys."
I start to leave, and make it not even twenty feet away when she stands. "Wait up," she calls, and I turn, daring a glance past her at Goh, still sitting on the other side of the bench, but his expression is unreadable, and I look away quickly. She jogs up to me and pauses, frowning up at me. "I'm sorry if I was too forward the other day," she says quietly, so the others don't hear.
Guilt has me wincing. "No, I'm sorry. I should have text you, it was rude of me to ignore you," I say. "I'm really flattered, I'm just not looking for anything right now."
She nods understandingly, though her disappointment is evident. "That's okay. It was worth a shot, right?" She attempts a grin.
"Always," I say quietly, giving her a warm smile, and she blushes, turning away.
"Well, I'll see you tomorrow, then," she says, smiling back, genuinely this time. She turns and walks away. I look past her, to where Clemont and Goh just watched our whole encounter. My heart skips a beat, but I just raise my hand in a wave, and turn away, jogging back to the flat.
— — — —
The first day of lectures passes pretty quickly. They're mostly introductory ones, and don't require much of my attention, which is good, because I can't stop thinking about Goh. I keep reminding myself it's better than thinking about Red, which is all I was doing this time last week, but it barely makes me feel better. I make it through my first two-hour lecture, have lunch, and then attend two more two-hour long lectures, and by the end my brain feels battered, and I walk like a zombie back to the flat, feeling like I need a nap.
I call Dawn on the way in, and update her. I tell her that Goh is gay, and that I admitted that I wasn't straight either, and she squeals, almost bursting my eardrum. When I step inside the flat, I hear voices from the kitchen, and realise some of the others are already in there. Telling Dawn I have to go, I hang up and drop my things off in my room before heading for the kitchen.
They're all there except May, who still hasn't returned. I greet them all as I walk in, taking the free space on the sofa between Cilan and Clemont, Goh and Serena sitting on the other one. Serena grins at me as I sit. "We're about to play Never Have I Ever."
"Without alcohol?" I say, raising an eyebrow. We've already played before, but we didn't really ask much, given that it was our first time meeting, and we kept getting distracted talking to one another.
"With alcohol." She points to the bottle of gin and the two bottles of lemonade sitting by the table.
"Before dinner?"
"Game first, then dinner, then more drinks," she says, still grinning. Well, my earlier lecture tomorrow isn't until eleven, so... I reach for one of the glasses and pour myself a drink. Everyone else does the same. It's only just after four in the evening, but I guess it doesn't really matter. Not that I'm a fan of this game.
"We should wait for May," Clemont says nervously, glancing at the door. I get the feeling he doesn't want to join in at all. Honestly, snap.
"She won't mind," Serena argues, pouring a drink for everyone. Goh, to my surprise, doesn't protest, and even leans to take one of the drinks from the table. "Okay. I'll start." Serena sits back in her seat, thinking. "Never have I ever... Cheated on a test."
None of us drink. Cilan snorts. "That's pretty mild."
"You're supposed to start off mild," Serena argues, sticking her tongue out at him "We can go clockwise," she says, gesturing to Clemont. He looks around nervously.
"Um... Never have I ever... Snuck out of the house."
I drink. Serena drinks. The others don't. She gives me a wink, and I'm all too aware of Goh's glances my way. It's my turn. "Never have I ever... Kissed one of my friends that I wasn't dating."
I drink, remembering the one kiss I had with Misty when we were fourteen. It was part of a dare, and afterwards we both gagged a little. I'm not even sure that counts, really. Cilan, Serena and Goh drink, and I twist to face Goh, annoyed that it made my chest tighten.
"Never have I ever... Had a crush on one of my friends."
I wonder if Red counts. I drink anyway, because even if she doesn't, Goh does. Even after just a week, my crush on him is so huge it's embarrassing, and a little scary. Everyone else drinks, too. Then looks at Goh, who bites the inside of his lip, thinking.
"Never have I ever had a girlfriend," he says, and I drink, knowing he's watching. Cilan and Clemont drink, and then they all look back at Goh, surprised. He shrugs, but I think everyone else must pick up on what I missed, because they don't question it.
"Never have I ever been in love," Serena says, already drinking as she finishes the sentence. Red- I push away the thoughts and just take a long drink, noting that everyone else does too, ignoring the pang of jealousy in my chest that is not at all justified.
Before Clemont can take his turn, the door swings open and May glides in. She looks around us, then at the glasses on the table, and twists her face. "Drinking without me?"
"You said she wouldn't be bothered," I mumble to Serena, but she just smiles sheepishly and shrugs. Cilan takes this as his cue to get up and head over to the counter, ready to prepare dinner.
"Do you need some help?" May asks, already skipping over. Figuring the drinking is over, at least for now, I reach for the TV remote. The next fifteen minutes is spent arguing with Serena about what we should watch, until we both compromise and decide to watch Tangled, which is definitely more of a compromise for me than her, but I don't argue any more.
Halfway through the movie, Cilan brings us dinner. He made it, so of course it's amazing, and despite our earlier protests, everyone's so into the movie that we mostly eat in silence, eyes glued to the screen.
An hour later, when the movie is long finished and we've been talking for a while, they decide we're having an animated movie marathon instead of drinking, which works for me, because I don't fancy a hangover tomorrow anyway. May picks the next one- Shrek. Their running commentary over it makes it even funnier, but I find myself wishing I was sitting beside Goh, and drift off into a daydream, imagining his head resting on my shoulder, our legs pressed comfortably together. I imagine putting my arm around his shoulder and pulling him further into me, holding him against my chest. I don't realise I'm staring until he looks back at me, his eyes burning, and I quickly tear my eyes away, looking back at the TV instead.
Next is Big Hero 6. Halfway through, I realise May is asleep, and Cilan is drifting off too. It's not that late, but I'm tired too, my eyes growing heavy and my head blurry. Serena, Goh and Clemont seem fully awake, though, so we finish the movie before the sudden burst of music in the credits wakes May and Cilan up, the latter jumping so much he almost falls out of the chair. "Morning, sleepyhead." I nudge him with my elbow, grinning. He groans and rubs his eyes, mumbling something incoherent.
"You should go to bed," Serena says, and May wastes no time arguing, already standing and saying goodnight. Cilan follows her, and soon the others are too, and I'm kind of lost on who's coming and who's staying until everyone's walking out but Goh and I. Alone with him again, I can't help but wonder if he hung back because he wanted to catch me alone.
Don't be stupid. He just likes being in here on his own.
He asks about my first day of lectures, and we tell each other the monotonous details, complaining about the heat of the lecture halls and the boring professors. I ask if he made any friends, knowing I didn't even bother because I was too distracted, but he shakes his head.
"It sounds pathetic, but I don't really like making friends. I don't have very many, even at home."
"How come?" I ask.
He shrugs. "Not very sociable, I guess."
"You seem sociable to me." I smile.
He considers me for a moment, and I heat up again. "I like you," he says matter-of-factly. "Which is rare."
I fight to control my breathing. "I listened to Iris." I stare down at my legs, running a finger along the seam of the sofa. "It's a great song. It's a shame you can't listen to it anymore."
Goh shakes his head, a smile blooming on his face, and I wonder if he thought I wouldn't listen to it. "It's okay. I'm hoping I'll be able to again soon. Maybe it'll make me think of someone else."
My heart jumps into my throat and my finger stills, heartbeat fluttering in my ear. I love that he feels so open with me already, but the quickness of his personality change makes me wonder- Is he so used to people judging him that he assumes the worst? He assumes people aren't going to understand him. He thinks they're going to put him down, like the two guys that I found harassing him. The thought, the idea, breaks my heart. "What was your friend like?"
He goes still, like stone. I wonder if I've gone too far, if I've overestimated his openness with me. "They were..." He blows out a breath, laying his head back on the sofa. "The only person that really understood me. Or so I thought, anyway. They were my rock. I-"
His voice cracks, and he chokes on the words. I feel my own heart crumbling as I think about how much that sounds like Red. "It sucks, doesn't it?" I sigh. His fingers twitch towards the hair tie, but he hesitates, and drops his hands again. I frown over at him, noticing the conflict on his face. "Let your hair down, if you want to."
He flinches slightly. "I just... It's hard sometimes." He looks down at the ground. I don't speak, afraid he'll think twice about opening up. "I- I put it up so that it looks less... I don't know. Feminine, I guess."
"I don't care about that. And neither should anyone else," I say, sitting forward.
He studies me for a second, before reaching up and pulling his hair tie out. His hair falls free, cascading down his shoulders, and I become hyper aware of, depending on his facial expression, how different his face can look. It's like he's shifting between a feminine and masculine side. It's mesmerising. He notices me staring, and shrinks back into the sofa a little. "I know. It's just... Not a lot of people understand. More people now than before, yeah, but... In my eyes, I'm a boy, whether I decide to wear makeup, wear a skirt, or even if I cut my hair and never wear a skirt again- Just however I want to present myself. I don't think stuff- makeup, clothes, or whatever- should be assigned to any gender. It should just be for whoever likes it, right?"
I've never had to think about it before. But there doesn't seem to be much to think about. The obvious answer is yes, he's right, unequivocally. "Yeah, and I don't think you should ever have to explain yourself to anyone, Goh."
Something sparkles in his eyes, and I realise those are tears gathering there, but he wipes them away before they fall, smiling. "Hmm. If only it were that easy."
My heart is pounding as I move over on the sofa, making room. "Do you wanna watch another movie?" I ask, smiling. Goh's expression shifts to shock, for a moment, but then it's gone, replaced with something I can't read. But he moves onto the sofa, and even though there's a lot of space between us, I'm so aware of his presence. I hand him the TV remote and let him choose. He picks She's The Man when he sees it because he finds it amusing.
We watch the first twenty minutes of the movie in comfortable silence. The light is off, and it's dark outside now, so the only light in the room comes from the TV, flickering between bright and dark, and each time I glance at Goh his face shifts, but it's always, always beautiful. I wish I could tell him that. I want to tell him so badly that it makes my chest tighten painfully, makes me feel like I can't breathe-
He turns and notices me watching him. My breath catches in my throat, and I open my mouth to speak, but nothing comes out. He stares back at me, and I know I'm breathing loud, I know I should look away, but... I can't. There's something kind of magical about tonight- his openness, and emotion, and the way he's looking back at me. I don't tear my eyes away from him, and after a few seconds, he starts to shift closer on the sofa. My breath catches again, heartbeat thundering in my ears as he comes right up beside me and curls into me slowly, like he's giving me a chance to push him away, if I don't want him there. His head rests on my chest, right above my heart, so I know he'll be able to hear how much he's making it race. I can't get it to slow down, not when he's pressed into my side, head on my chest. Fighting the trembling, I lift my arm and put it around his shoulder, holding him there. He tenses beneath me, but just for a second, and then he relaxes. The warmth of his body seeps into mine, and suddenly I'm on fire. I know I should probably say something, but I don't want to ruin the mood, so I don't.
My heart never really slows down. Another half an hour passes, and sometime between him lying on my chest and now, my hand found his hair, and I run my fingers through the length of it, surprised at how soft it is. Goh is still beneath me, and doesn't protest. At first I think he just doesn't mind, but then I realise he's breathing deeper, and when I twist gently to look, I notice he's sleeping. He looks so at peace that I just smile and let him.
The movie is almost over when the hallway light flicks on. I almost jump, almost shift so that Goh wakes up, but then Clemont's face appears at the glass, peering in to see if anyone's still in here. His eyes meet mine, and widen when he sees Goh, still sleeping, still curled against me. I force a smile, feeling my heart hammering again, praying he doesn't say anything to the others as he quietly pushes the door open, not wanting to wake Goh.
"Sorry," he whispers, the shock on his face gone. I wonder if he thinks something is going on between us. I almost laugh, because I'm wondering the exact same thing. He shuffles over to the fridge and grabs something from inside, shooting me another apologetic smile before hurrying out again. I blow out the breath I was holding and look back down to Goh, still sleeping. Smiling, I carry on running my fingers through his hair.
When the movie finishes and the credits start, the music seems to wake him up. He stirs, then jolts up, turning to stare at me, his eyes wide. I laugh at the expression, and then he seems to relax, sighing. "Sorry," he says, rubbing his eyes. "Guess I need more sleep."
"It's pretty late now, to be fair," I say, willing my voice not to crack. I feel cold in his absence. I want to pull him back towards me and hold him there forever. But, most of all, I want to ask what that meant, if anything at all. Maybe he just needed someone to hold him, for a bit. I'm okay with that, but... It's only been a week, and I know so little about him, yet I'm already becoming attached, in a way I haven't been, since- Well.
"I'm gonna head to bed," he says, shifting a little awkwardly. I stumble for words, for a way to ask him to stay, and when I look at his face, I debate forgetting words altogether, and just going in for the kiss, consequences be damned. But then he's standing, stretching his arms up.
"Me too," I say, and turn the TV off, plunging the room into darkness. Goh hurries into the corridor, flicking the light on, which is unbearably bright. I squint against it, yawning as we head down to our rooms. He pauses outside his door, watching me.
"Goodnight, Ash," he says, his voice low. I swallow hard, not trusting myself not to kiss him if I step any closer.
"Goodnight."
He steps inside his room and the door clicks shut. I take a deep breath and head to my own room, my head spinning. Alone, I don't turn the light on, just use the moonlight filtering through the window to navigate to my bed. I sit on the edge of it, close my eyes, and just let myself think for the first time.
Several realisations come to me at once. I loved Red, yes, but I was mostly in love with the idea of her that I'd created in my head. I was in love with a notion. So, even though it tore me apart... She did the right thing. It wasn't a good idea for us to meet, having those unintentional expectations of each other. It almost certainly wouldn't have worked. Still, I'm glad that I met her. And, selfishly, I hope that she still thinks of me from time to time, wherever she is. I know I'll still think of her, but for the first time, she moves over in my heart, making room for someone new.