Letting out a heavy sigh, I fell backwards onto the bed, staring up at the ceiling as I appreciated the sudden tranquil silence that engulfed me. After the party, my social battery was completely zapped and I was ready to just dive under the soft duvets and drift off to sleep. My exhaustion hadn't been helped by the long drive to London and my desperate attempts to stay clear of Jude all night, along with the persistent questioning from my mum as she tried to gather some understanding of where I was at in life. Truth be told, I didn't have an answer to that. Being a social media influencer wasn't exactly the ideal career that my mother had wanted for me, but it paid my bills and I enjoyed what I did, so there were no complaints from my end.
Just as my eyes were starting to close, my phone chimed with an incoming message. I groaned and rolled over to check my phone which was lying on the nightstand.
Trent:
You up?
Hannah:
why does that sound like an invitation
for a booty call
Trent:
Bet you wish it was 😉
Hannah:
don't flatter yourself, alexander-arnold.
did you want something?
Trent:
Yeah. I need to talk to you
All of a sudden, I was wide awake. I sat up straight, thumbs hovering over the keyboard on my phone as I waited for Trent to finish typing. He hardly ever 'needed to talk', and when he did, I knew it was serious.
Hannah:
what's up?
Trent:
Can we talk in person?
Hannah:
of course. i'll be right over
My heart started beating in anticipation, a mixture of dread and hope taking the form of butterflies in my stomach. Although I was never one to admit that Jude was right, there had unfortunately been some truth to what he'd said earlier: I did like Trent. It wasn't something that I was happy to admit, especially when we were such good friends and there was always the possibility that my complicated feelings could make things awkward.
I usually didn't allow myself to get carried away like this — getting my hopes up just made it so much harder when things didn't turn out the way I wanted them to. However, on this occasion, my delusion suddenly made it seem possible that I'd finally get to hear him say that he liked me back.
I quickly changed into some more comfortable clothes before making my way to Trent's room. I knocked on his door, feeling slightly jittery all of a sudden. Whilst I was waiting, I had the misfortune of bumping into Jude. He brushed past me, his refusal to acknowledge me causing the anger to bubble up inside of me once again. As he slotted his key into the door of his hotel room, he sent me a glare.
"You didn't say 'thank you'," I snapped at him.
He frowned. "What?"
"I didn't have to drive you to London, you know. In fact it was a huge inconvenience to me."
Jude rolled his eyes. "That's what this is about? You are so petty, Hannah."
I opened my mouth to respond, but at that moment Trent opened up his door, looking extremely sheepish. When I looked over in Jude's direction, he'd already disappeared back into his hotel room. Immediately, I fixed the scowl on my face, intending to brush all thoughts of Jude aside and give my friend all of my attention. Trent was the only thing that mattered right then, especially when he looked so troubled. It was a look I'd hardly ever seen on him before — he usually seemed so smiley and carefree.
"So what's up?" I asked Trent once we'd settled on the sofa. He'd made a cuppa and we'd made idle chit-chat, completely dancing around the subject of what he'd originally wanted to tell me.
"Before I say anything, can you promise that what I'm about to tell you won't make things awkward between us?" Trent asked seriously.
"Of course," I answered, "you know you can tell me anything."
Trent smiled slightly at my words. "I know," he said. "And you know that you're my best friend, right? I'll always look out for you, no matter what."
"I know, Trent." It was my turn to smile.
"I mean it. I'd never let anything ruin our friendship."
"Will you please just tell me where this is going?"
I watched as Trent inhaled a deep breath, his eyes flicking to his hands which were resting in his lap. "I thought you'd want to be the first to know..." He began before trailing off.
I frowned. "Know what?"
"I...like your sister."
"W-what?" I blinked in surprise. Whatever I'd expected Trent to tell me, it certainly wasn't that.
"Yeah..." Trent said.
There was a moment of silence between us as I tried to come to terms with the information he'd just dropped on me. I knew it was unlikely that he'd admit to liking me, but Trent having feelings for my sister was something I had never seen coming. They hardly ever spoke to one another. In fact, I didn't think I'd ever seen them hold a conversation. And yet here we were.
I felt the sting of tears threatening to spill down my cheeks and quickly blinked them away, grateful that Trent wasn't looking at me at that exact moment. I hated myself for getting carried away and allowing myself to believe that Trent reciprocated what I felt for him. There'd been no indication from his end to suggest that his feelings for me were anything more than platonic and yet I'd still held out hope that he'd want to be with me.
I forced a smile. I wasn't about to ruin Trent's happiness just because I was feeling miserable. "Since when?" I asked him.
"We ended up spending a lot of time together over the summer, with her moving to Liverpool and all," Trent explained. "And I guess things grew from there."
"Well listen, if you want to ask out Hayley, you can," I told him, reaching out and squeezing his hand. "I want you to be happy."
Trent shifted awkwardly. "I haven't been totally honest with you," he said, his voice quieter this time.
"Huh? What do you mean?"
"Your sister and I are already together," Trent said, his gaze finally meeting mine.
"But I swear she was flirting with Jude -"
"That's because we were planning on keeping things a secret until we told you," Trent said. "We weren't sure how you were going to react so we decided to act as normally as possible. I'm sorry for not telling you sooner, but Hayley and I both agreed that it'd be better to break the news in person."
I paused. "Are you happy with each other?" I asked him.
Trent nodded. "I'm the happiest I've ever been with anyone."
"Then I don't have an issue with it," I said, then frowned. "What do you mean you were worried about how I was going to react?"
"You've always had a fiery temper," Trent laughed.
I batted his arm.
"Are you really okay with it, though?" Trent asked me. "We both said that we'd break things off if you weren't."
"You two are too considerate," I laughed. "Why does it matter what I think? If you're happy then that's all that matters."
"Because you're important to us," Trent answered. "Like I said, I'd never want anything to ruin our friendship."
I smiled at him, happy that he seemed so content with my sister yet bitter that I couldn't have him myself.
I hugged Trent. "I really am happy for you guys," I told him, although that was partially untrue. Once again I'd lost out to my sister, something I was used to by now. I felt extremely guilty to feel that way.
I looked up at Trent to see that all traces of worry had disappeared from his face. That familiar twinkle was back in his eyes and he could not stop himself from smiling. He really was smitten.
"You listen here, Alexander-Arnold. If you ever hurt my sister, I will come for your ass," I warned him.
He threw his head back and laughed. "I don't doubt that for a second," he said.
After that, we hung out for a little while until I could no longer force myself to stay awake. Yawning, I stretched my arms above my head. "I'll see you tomorrow," I said to Trent, putting my shoes back on.
"Sleep well," he grinned as I stepped out the door. "And thank you, Hannah."
"For what?"
"For being so understanding."
"Don't be silly, that's what I'm here for," I smiled at him before he shut the door behind me. Immediately, my smile disappeared as I trudged back to my hotel room. By now I was used to disappointment and never being the one for anyone, but this hurt more than any rejection I'd experienced before. What made it worse was that Hayley was the one that Trent had chosen. My whole life I'd always been made to feel second best by our mother, whether that was intentional or not, and for once I'd just wanted something for myself. But that something was a guy who was head over heels for my sister.
I changed my mind about going back to my room and instead headed downstairs to the hotel bar which was fortunately still open. It probably wasn't the best decision I'd ever made, but I was feeling sorry for myself and wanted a distraction.
The bar was practically empty aside from a group of ladies on a hen-do in the corner of the room and a couple cosied up next to each other in one of the booths. I sighed dramatically, turning my head away from the sight of them. I then ordered myself a glass of wine before mindlessly scrolling through Instagram, reading through the comments on my latest post. I was fortunate that they were mostly positive, but every so often I came across one filled with negativity and hate. That didn't bother me anymore, though. When I was first starting out, one negative comment would be enough to ruin my whole week, but now I'd become numb to it. I came to realise that in this life you couldn't please everyone, and some people would find any way they could to tear you down. It was all a part of the job and being able to ignore the hate was something I'd had to learn rather quickly.
"Do you usually drink alone?" A voice said. I turned my head and was surprised to find myself looking up at Jude Bellingham.
"Why are you everywhere tonight?" I asked him. "Can't you just leave me be?"
Jude smirked. "Somebody's in a bad mood," he noted.
"I was fine until I saw you."
"No you weren't. I clocked you the minute I walked in. You look miserable."
"Well forgive me for not being happy all of the time."
Jude looked me up and down. "Want to talk about it?" He asked me.
"With you? I'd rather cut out my own tongue," I retorted.
Jude snorted. "You are just so kind to me." He sat down beside me and began flicking through the drinks menu.
"I didn't say you could sit there," I said.
"Sorry Hannie. Free country, I'm afraid."
I glared at him. Tonight just couldn't get any worse.
"Are you expecting someone?" I asked him.
"Nope," he replied, still looking at the menu.
"So why are you here then?"
"I'd just been to see Jobe when I saw you leaving Trent's room. You looked upset," Jude explained, "so I followed you."
"Stalker."
"I just wanted to make sure you were okay."
"Why do you care?"
Jude looked at me. "Because you're Jobe's friend and he'd want me to check up on you."
I stared at him for a moment. "Right," I said eventually. "Well if you must know...no, I'm not okay."
"Why not?"
"Because..." I pressed my lips together. "I'm not getting into this with you."
"Alright suit yourself," Jude shrugged, "don't say I didn't try."
He walked over to the bar and bought himself a drink. Non-alcoholic, of course. I thought he was finally going to leave me alone but instead Jude sat down opposite me again.
"You can leave now," I said.
"Not so fast," Jude smirked again. "I'm going to enjoy my drink."
"There are plenty of empty seats," I told him. "Sit somewhere else."
"Nah, I'm okay here."
"God you're irritating," I groaned.
"If it's that much of a problem, why don't you get up and move?" Jude suggested.
"Because I was here first!" I reminded him.
He laughed. "You are so easy to wind up," Jude said.
I decided to ignore him and began scrolling through my phone again. Jude, on the other hand, started tapping his fingers against the table in a way that began to irritate me after a couple of minutes. I tried my best not to react and give him the satisfaction of knowing that it was pissing me off, a task that proved to be rather difficult after a little while. I looked up from my phone and narrowed my eyes at Jude, only to be met by that annoying little grin plastered across his face. I contemplated moving to sit elsewhere, but that would be giving Jude exactly what he wanted and I was too stubborn to let that happen.
I finished my wine and stood up. "Right, I'm off to bed," I told Jude, not that it was any of his business what I was going to do.
"Do you want me to walk you back to your room?" Jude offered.
"No. I'm perfectly capable of walking myself, thanks."
"Alright. And Hannah, thank you for the ride," Jude said.
I looked at him in surprise, finding it hard to believe that those words had just come from Jude Bellingham's mouth. "You're welcome," I said.
Once back in my hotel room, I finally got into bed and closed my eyes, ready to just sleep. Today had been a lot with the long drive down to London, the bombshell Trent had dropped on me, and then having to put up with Jude — I was thankful to finally have some peace.
I did my best not to think about Trent and Hayley as I slowly drifted off, pulling myself into a ball as I resisted the urge to give in and let the tears flow down my cheeks. Whenever I felt this way, I'd usually turn to Jobe, Hayley or Trent for comfort, just wanting to be held. But I couldn't tell them about this. It was too awkward to disclose the truth behind my sadness, and if Trent or Hayley learned that I was unhappy with them being together, they'd break up.
I wasn't about to let them sacrifice their happiness for mine.