TW: PTSD & panic attack.
Chapter 5
He was weightless...
He was freezing...
All he could see was the dark never-ending expanse of space...
He couldn't breathe-
He couldn't-
Solar shot up from his bed, gasping and shaking. He wrapped his arms tightly around his trembling frame, trying to stave off the phantom fear that was consuming his mind.
"It was j-just a n-nightmare-" He tried to say through gasping breaths, feeling a little frustrated that his brain was being illogical, "-I-I'm-ghk!"
He could feel the tears burn through his eyes and he was doing his best trying to force his thoughts away from that near death experience but was failing miserably. He curled forward with a frustrated groan as more tears spilled out (his chest ached- feeling anxious- desperate- scared-), realizing he had no choice but to ride this attack out.
He forced a deep breath in and out, trying to control the panic that was slowly consuming him.
"Hey, hey... you're okay. Just follow my breathing, alright?"
A gentle voice spoke from an old memory and for some reason it made him sob even more.
He curled tighter into himself as he could already imagine those firm hands holding his own clenched ones, trying to get them to relax.
"In - 2, 3, 4, 5- and out - 2, 3, 4, 5-"
He was trying- really, he was-
"It's okay... just keep going."
And so, he did.
It felt like hours of being eaten away by anxiety as his body refused to listen to his logic, before his breathing eventually started calming down into stuttering and shaky breaths.
His face was beaded in sweat and Solar felt like throwing up.
(Fortunately, this time he didn't.)
He took another deep breath before leaning his forehead against his knees while pulling his gray cardigan tighter against his frame, trying to ground himself back to reality.
With another deep breath, he forced himself to look up and around the darkness. Anxiously making sure he was alone.
It had been a while since he had a panic attack.
And here he thought he had finally overcome that little inconvenience.
With all the recent events happening, he should've known it was bound to occur. The stress, the pressure, the desperate Lance Corporal now in the process of becoming a part of his team... and...
His tired eyes landed on the desk next to his bed- a familiar photograph placed next to an open notebook.
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"Lance Corporal, wait." Solar winced when he realized he forgot something and how he definitely broke out of character with the hesitance he showed. The said teen turned to him in confusion just as he was about to leave his office.
He cleared his throat, trying to act nonchalant, "Did you happen to find something else when you stole the watch?"
Scarlet eyes were filled with confusion at first before they lit up in understanding, only to be followed by guilt.
"My apologies once more, Captain." He took out a photograph (that was still surprisingly intact) from his pocket, and handed it to him immediately, "I got caught up with the traps and didn't realize I accidentally pocketed this. I swear I wasn't-"
"You may go."
He turned around, not waiting for the other's response. His attention immediately turned to the photograph of him and his brothers.
A photograph he had completely forgotten about.
He vaguely heard the automated doors closing just as he took a seat on his desk.
He remembered the day they took the photo.
The calm before the storm.
Then the storm happened... and before he knew it, it was the last day he ever saw them again.
Eyes filled with resentment, disappointment and... sorrow.
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A chime from his watch snapped Solar out of his reverie and he quickly wiped his face with his sleeves and grabbed his glasses from his desk when he realized it was a request call from Captain Kaizo.
He took a quick look of the clock on his desk as he turned on his lamp and was surprised to see he had overslept.
Commander would definitely give him an earful later. (And would get all annoyingly concerned while spouting how he had promised his grandpa to look after him or whatever.)
"Good morning, Captain Kaizo. Is there something you need?" Solar asked, trying to keep the exhaustion from his voice.
"Captain Solar," The alien paused as he finally got a good look of him through the holographic video, "Is this a bad time?"
"Not at all." Solar said, biting back a yawn, "Please continue whatever your call is about, Captain."
"Will you be coming in your office, today? I would like to discuss some... concerns regarding the recent course of events."
Ah, there it was.
"Are you talking to me as Fang's soon-to-be ex-Captain?" Solar raised an eyebrow, "...or as a worried brother?"
The glare sent to him was enough for a grown alien to cower in fear, but Solar had long been immune to those threatening looks.
It came as a package when you're a genius and you just love to prove a point.
"I'm merely asking for clarification," Solar continued as he stood up and leaned back against his desk, "Because if this is about some personal matter- we can talk right now instead of trying to put up a formal front in the office."
"I heard about what happened to your room."
"Another attempt from Adudu," Solar said without missing a beat, though he could already tell where this was going, "Because of the destruction he caused, it is now undergoing reconstruction and I'm currently staying in one of the extra rooms usually reserved for the cadets. Talk about nostalgic. But I should really thank him, I hated that room-"
"And Fang happened to be there during the break in? And according to the reports, he helped stop this criminal?"
"What's with the clarifications, Captain?" Solar couldn't help but ask in amusement, "You're usually so good at reading reports."
"Answer me, Cahaya."
Solar narrowed eyes, "Worried brother it is."
"Something happened beyond these reports." Kaizo held up a folder which Solar could guess was the incident report he had submitted yesterday, "It's all too coincidental. I heard that you rejected Pang in the first place and after the incident, you suddenly had a change of heart? Unlikely."
"Keeping close tabs with your brother? I guess he was right to think that you don't trust him."
"Your constant need to change the subject is making me think that I'm right."
Solar huffed, "What can I say? He showed dedication and true qualities of becoming a Captain. It would be such a waste for TAPOPS if I didn't give him a chance."
"And what were the basis for these observations?"
"No assessment needed. He helped me defeat Adudu and made me realize that we make a great team. And if he could keep up with me like that, then mentoring him wouldn't be such a bad idea." Solar explained with a shrug, "And once he succeeds then I get acknowledgement for being a great Captain. It's a win-win."
Silence met his response and he smirked, "I'm guessing that's not the answer you wanted to hear, Captain."
"According to a small interrogation with the criminals, Pang had aided them into raiding your room."
"And?"
Kaizo scowled at him, "You're not going to deny it?"
"I will neither deny nor confirm, Captain." He answered, "This way, I get to keep my promise with your brother while maintaining integrity to the organization."
"What promise?"
"It's confidential."
"I didn't think you'd be the sentimental type to keep things like promises." Kaizo started, his tone dark and filled with warning, "After all, you're pretty well-known for breaking them."
Solar tensed up and glared back at Kaizo, "If there's nothing else you'd like to confirm. Then it's best we end this pointless call-"
"You will stop whatever you're planning and withdraw your agreement with Pang."
He froze, eyes wide at the other's command.
"Did you just... order me to fail your brother?"
"No. I'm asking you to reconsider your choices before you regret it." Kaizo said firmly, "Ever since they disappeared, you've changed. And not in the best way."
Solar gritted his teeth trying to keep himself composed, "And do tell, Captain, how these changes affect your brother? Are you forgetting what I had been through to reach this rank? Do you really see me as someone so unreliable-"
"You are a tactical Captain. Unafraid to use every resource you have to get a job done. Efficient and effective when it comes to strategy." Kaizo stated without hesitation, "But sometimes you forget that your allies are not dispensable."
"I always make sure my plans are full-proof to avoid endangering the aliens involved-"
"And you make a habit of planning something that only benefits you. Regardless of the consequences." The older Captain continued, "And I fear my brother will take the brunt of it all."
Solar stared at him incredulously, before letting out a laugh of disbelief, "Lance Corporal Fang was right about your overprotective streak. It's a little disturbing since I never get to see this side of you, Captain. But I guess I should've expected this. You really don't trust your brother, huh?"
"I don't trust him with someone who is a manipulative, lying-"
"Me? Manipulative?" Solar cuts him off with a deadpanned look, "I'm not the one who set his brother up for failure. You chose me to be his new Captain, knowing fully well that I wouldn't have accepted his proposal. But unfortunately for you, circumstances had led me to go against your predictions. Now, I need your brother, just as much as he needs me."
Kaizo's blank expression was unnerving, "If you don't retract your agreement, I will ensure your position as Captain to be removed."
"A threat? I see where this is going." Solar's eyes narrowed, "Fine. I'll retract the agreement, but I guess I'll have to explain to Commander that maybe Adudu was right, and that your precious Pang went and aided him to destroy multiple personal properties of mine -a Captain- while adding that he somewhat helped me catch Adudu after I caught him collaborating with the enemy. Commander will understand, but I can't say the same with Admiral Tarung who would definitely receive the report during that time of day when his temper is high... I wonder what punishment Pang will get for that."
He watched as those scarlet eyes went wide and the rage the other had been trying to hide was now palpable.
"I thought you denied these accusations."
"I implied that the Lance Corporal helped me catch Adudu. But if you read my incident report, you'll notice I never specified how." Solar turned to show his desk filled with papers, "And at the moment I'm still at the process of submitting the more detailed version of the report as per request from Commander since we're a little tight on budget and my vague incident report wasn't acceptable to ask for a reimbursement from the higher-ups. They thought it sounded fishy."
"You wouldn't." Kaizo growled.
"I need a reason why I suddenly decided to take back the deal between me and the Lance Corporal, right? Whether it is true or not, the story Adudu had blurted would actually benefit me." Solar shrugged his shoulders, "Wouldn't want to look like an indecisive Captain, now would I? It would be bad for my reputation."
"If you do this, he'll never get his chance to become a Captain! Rumors will circulate and his reputation will tank!"
"Hey, at least he'll finally be popular." Solar said nonchalantly before pausing, "Huh, I guess you were right. I do like manipulating situations that only benefit me."
"Cahaya, stop this none sense now-"
"No. You stop this none sense and refer to me with my proper title. This big brother act was a nice effort, but your lack of confidence with Lance Corporal Fang is the reason why he was this desperate to seek my help in the first place." Solar slammed his hand on his desk, feeling his own temper rising,
"You always go on about how you're doing this for his own good and how you're trying to keep him from harm's way but, really, you're just waiting for the inevitable which is his downfall! You're only making it harder for yourself and for him!" He spat, "So I'll ask again, Captain. Do I retract our agreement or will he stay a part of my team? Either way, he will learn a very valuable lesson."
Solar knew that Kaizo could still use the threat of removing his position as Captain in TAPOPS against his own blackmail, but there was a higher percentage that the Captain was bluffing. But if the circumstances were not, then he can only count on the other's need to protect his brother.
He have come this far, he won't let anyone get in the way.
"I guess I was wrong." Solar snapped his head up in surprise as Kaizo continued, "Maybe there is still a part of you that hasn't changed."
He frowned trying to see where this was going. He expected anger... he expected outrage... not this weird... acceptance?
"I don't understand. What are you going on about?"
Kaizo was suddenly looking behind him, he turned back to his desk and saw the photograph of his brothers that was actually next to the papers he had let the other known to be his reports. He felt his face burn and hastily covered it with a notebook.
"I'm aware of your reason for staying in TAPOPS. I was told by Commander."
Solar scowled and muttered, "What part of confidential did he not understand?"
"And I believe... Pang is in good hands with you, Captain Solar." All the anger and rage that Kaizo had been showing disappeared without a trace and it hit Solar like a bullet.
"You were testing me?!"
"No." Kaizo paused, "Maybe a bit-"
Solar took a deep breath as he felt his head started pounding, "Captain, I would like to end this call before I say things about you that I might regret-"
"I was serious when I wanted you to take back the agreement between you and Pang. A part of me was hoping that you wouldn't take him under your wing because I knew the only reason you would accept someone in your team is if they have of value to you." Scarlet eyes pierced through his own silver ones, "And that you would use them for your own gain."
"And what makes you think I'm not?"
"Oh, I know you are." Kaizo said as he crossed his arms, "But then you started protecting Pang against me."
"I was blackmailing your brother-"
"No." Kaizo interrupted, "You were blackmailing me using my own brother. Impressive."
Solar couldn't help but look at him like he was crazy before shaking his head in disbelief, "If this is another way of manipulating me to make me go all lenient with you brother once he becomes a part of my team-"
"All I ask is for you to take care of him, Captain." Kaizo said his expression going distant, "I may not show it, but I care for him deeply and I only want what's best for him."
Solar was suddenly finding it difficult to look at the other as he heard the sincere tone from the usually aloof Captain. His chest ached at the sudden feeling of longing but quickly brushed it off as he spoke firmly, "He said he was doing this to make you proud. Someone's obviously not giving his brother enough attention."
Kaizo spared him a glance before shaking his head, "I shall prepare the needed documents for the transfer. I assume you'll take care of the rest?"
He continued staring at him, trying to see if this was another plot to get him back before replying with a sharp nod, "Of course, Captain."
"Whatever your plans are for him, I believe it will help him grow." Kaizo then said leaning back to salute, "I trust you as much as I trust him."
And just like that, the call was ended.
Solar stared at his watch a little longer, trying to decipher what the heck just happened before shaking his aching head and turning off the lamp.
Screw going back to work.
He was going to sleep the rest of the day off.
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End of Chapter