"Dayang," nilingon ko ang screen ng laptop ko mula sa pagtingin sa phone ko. "Why?"
"Tulog ka na, ako rin, matutulog na," my left brow lifted.
Graham will not sleep once I do.
The past nights that we video-called, I would wake up after napping on my desk and see him still drawing or reviewing for a subject even after midnight. Kaya, hindi na ako naniniwalang matutulog talaga siya pagkatapos naming i-end ang call.
"Promise, I will," he spoke. "Pagod na rin ako, e, babawi ako ng tulog ngayon, promise."
The way he said it seemed convincing, but I knew better. Nonetheless, I let him end the call because I was tired already and was in dire need of sleep, like him.
I lay on the bed and stare at the dark ceiling. The only light I had was my window, the city lights were visible since I didn't really close the curtains.
It had been a week since Graham and I began dating. I expected that we would see each other more often, but I didn't think he'd come to me every day. Sinabihan ko siya no'ng una na sayang ang pera kung araw-araw siyang magbabayad ng 15 pesos para lang makarating sa Faura. But he reasoned that he doesn't mind spending a few cents because I was a view he wanted to see daily. I didn't stop him anymore after that, but I did insist on buying him dinner. He didn't complain, though, sometimes, he'd buy for us.
Lara was the only person who knew about Graham and me dating. Hindi ko muna sinabi sa pamilya ko dahil paniguradong hindi sila sasang-ayon sa bilis ng pangyayari. Maybe in a few months...
"Ang blooming naman, ganito na ba talaga kapag may jowa?" panunudyo ni Lara pagdating ko sa UP.
"Shh!" sita ko sa kaibigan.
"Fine, fine," I sat beside her on the bench.
We were at one of the tables on the campus, near the food kiosks. The cats were roaming near us. The heat from the sun and surrounding cars were making me sweat so much.
Manila heat is on another level.
"Student Center na lang tayo, it's so hot here," I said. "I tried to stay there, but it was already full." I frowned.
Maaga akong pumasok ngayon dahil maaga akong nagising. So now, I have to stay in this hot space. Dapat pala nag-stay muna ako sa unit ko.
"Let's go to one of the classrooms na lang na hindi occupied," ani Lara. "Mayro'n ba? I feel like lahat ginagamit ng profs for classes."
"Check natin 'yong GAB," I nodded and followed her towards the GAB building.
When we got to the third floor, we saw an empty and cold room. We stayed there and talked.
"Gray sometimes sends me messages, I think he's with you when he does."
"What does he say?"
"He tells me na ang ganda mo o na ang bango mo raw. Like, girl, he literally just says, 'she smells really nice, ano'ng pabango niya?' Or, sometimes, he'd say, 'dapat dati mo pa ako pinakilala kay El, ang ganda-ganda niya, tinatago mo lang.' Like? Nakaiirita na sa akin niya sinasabi 'yong mga 'yon!"
Graham was still Graham. Wala naman akong napansin na pagbabago, pero 'yo pala... nagsasabi siya ng gano'n sa pinsan niya.
Para akong kinikiliti sa nararamdaman kong saya! Kulang na lang matawa ako.
Ang cute niya!
"Girl, hindi ikaw first girlfriend niya, pero first time niya maging ganito!"
"Hindi ako? Akala ko..." ngumisi si Lara. "Yeah, you ain't the first girl!"
"Si Jaz ba 'yong una niyang girlfriend?" Lara chuckled. "Hindi, 'no! Friend niya lang 'yon! Nagselos ka pala ro'n? Pero, hindi siya, high school pa no'ng nagkaro'n siya ng girlfriend."
"How can I not feel jealous? E, besides you, Jaz is the only girl he goes to when he's here." I said as if it was natural.
I mean, wasn't it?
"E, wala namang malisya 'yon, 'yong iyo, mayro'n. Kaya, tanggalin mo na 'yong jealousy mo." She explained before leaning closer. "Ikaw naman love no'n, kaya don't worry."
I stilled at her last phrase.
Graham and I have never said those words before, only 'I like yous.' Parang hindi pa applicable sa akin 'yon at sa kaniya, maybe soon, but not today. Besides, it had only been a few months since we'd known each other.
Love doesn't happen so quickly, right?
"Oh, sa'n ka?" Franko asked after our class, I was heading in the opposite direction as them. "RobMan."
"Kakain ka?" I shook my head. "I'll buy something from the grocery," I went on walking.
Tamang-tama ang pagpunta ko sa grocery ng RobMan dahil kaunti ang tao. Sakto, everyone else in the mall was eating lunch. I had eaten a ton this morning so that I can go here without feeling the need to eat.
I went to the section of coffee and roamed my eyes to look at the green powdered drinks. May ibang flavors pa, kaya kumuha na ako ng iba't ibang powdered tea. Graham's birthday was coming up next week, we talked about that before, so I thought of buying him these. I got 20 pieces since 20 na siya this year, mas matanda pala ako sa kaniya ng ilang araw lang.
"Ang dami, Ma'am, experiment po ba 'to?" kumento ng cashier woman nung nagbabayad na ako. "No, for my boyfriend, he loves tea."
Humagikgik ang babae. "Sweet mo naman po!"
I went back in campus to attend the rest of my classes. But when I got to RH's lobby, my prof cancelled our class due to conflict of schedule. Inis na inis ang aking mga kaklase na kadarating lang, ang ilang sa kanila ay malayo ang binabiyahe araw-araw para sa klase.
"Badtrip naman! Sayang 'yong pamasahe ko, ito lang klase ko ngayong araw, e!" rinig kong sabi no'ng babae kong kaklase.
"Iinom na lang natin 'yan, tutal maaga pa!" aya naman ng isa ko pang kaklase.
I walked out of there before they began suggesting I go with them. Hindi kami close no'ng mga 'yon, but they were usually open to the idea of drinking as a block. Kahit nga sa GC na may prof, e, mayro'ng nagtsa-chat tungkol do'n. And, I was not as open as they were.
"Dani!" I stopped walking when I heard William call me. He was still in campus habang ako'y nasa labas na ng gates.
"Kakain ka ng dinner? Sabay na tayo!" tumango ako at hinintay siya.
Inakbayan niya ako at hinila patungo sa RobMan, pero suwabe kong tinanggal ang braso niya habang naglalakad. I wasn't supposed to have a guy casually hold me now because I have a boyfriend.
"Sa'n tayo kakain?" tanong niya nang maramdaman ko ang lamig ng aircon sa mall. "I want pizza, ikaw?"
"Sige, pizza na lang tayo," again, he put his arm around me before walking.
This time, I had to tell him off.
"William," I took his arm off, then faced him.
Hinila ko muna siya sa gilid para hindi kami makaabala sa mga naglalakad.
"Don't hold me too much anymore. I have a... boyfriend now, so I can't-"
"You have a boyfriend now? Since when?" his brows met when he asked. "Last week, I didn't really tell anyone since-"
"Sino?" tunog galit si William, kaya naman tumaas ang kilay ko. "What's with your tone? Are you asking me or demanding me?"
"Asking, who?" nagtitigan kami ng ilang segundo. I let out a breath. "Lara's cousin, si Graham."
William gazed at the floor as my words registered in his mind. I guess it really was shocking since I don't tell people about what goes on in my life that much unless they ask.
"You still want to eat?" he looked like he lost his hunger... I wanted to make sure already since I was starving.
"Yeah, tara," nauna siyang naglakad papunta sa Greenwich.
I didn't realize that not telling William would upset him this much. I thought it'd be just a funny thing for him since he makes a joke about almost anything. Plus, I wasn't planning on telling him or Franko anytime soon. I just wanted to keep my relationship lowkey. But now, I had to set new limitations with guys, even my friends.
"William, sorry if I didn't tell you agad. I just wanted to keep it a secret since my family doesn't know yet."
William nodded but didn't look at me. Nagtatampo talaga yata siya...
Pumila kami para bumili ng pagkain at kinausap ko siya ulit.
"Libre na lang kita," subok ko na pagaanin ang atmospera. "No, you don't have to."
"E, nagtatampo ka, e," I ordered and paid for us before he replied. "I'm not."
Pumunta na kami sa isang table at tahimik na hinintay ang pagkain. No'ng nagsimula na kami, mukhang wala pa ring gana si William. Parang ngayon lang siya nagtampo ng todo sa akin, hindi ko alam kung paano siya paaamuhin.
As he was mixing his pasta, I spoke again.
"Sorry na, kahit si Franko 'di rin naman alam. 'Tsa-" I was cut off.
"Hindi ako nagtatampo dahil hindi mo sinabi sa 'kin, Dani. Naiinis ako kasi... nakuha ka agad, akala ko pa naman, hindi ka interesado sa pakikipag-relasyon. Kung alam ko lang..."
"Kung alam mo lang, what? Are you...?"
No way.
He...
He liked me?
What?
"Last year pa kita gusto, Dani, pero pakiradam ko, hindi ka interesado na magka-boyfriend that time, so I didn't make a move. If I had known-"
This time, I intervened.
"I would've rejected you. Sorry, William, but I don't think there was a chance for us."
He scoffed and bowed his head a bit. Was he crying?
How the hell was I supposed to help him?
Bakit naman kasi ngayon pa 'to nangyari... Nakahihiya...
"Tama nga si Mari, masiyado kang prangka—yet, it's what I liked about you the most." Napainom ako ng tubig dahil sa narinig.
How do I continue eating now?
Kauusapin ko sana siya muli, pero tumayo na siya at naglapag ng isang libo sa la mesa. Tinignan ko siya, medyo namumula ang mga mata niya. Na-guilty tuloy ako... Siguro nga dapat ay bawasan ko ang kaprangkahan ko.
"I'm sorry," I repeated as he put his bag on his back. "Don't worry, I'll be fine. Ako na lang manlilibre sa 'yo."
"But this is too much for me," one of our pizzas was still untouched, dalawa kasi ang in-order naming flavor. "Uwi mo na lang o bigay mo sa mga pulubi sa labas. Una na 'ko."
Hindi ako makakain ulit dahil sa nangyari. I just quietly stared at the pasta he hadn't eaten. Hinalo niya lang 'yon at binitawan na ang tinidor. My appetite died when William left. Nakakakonsensiya palang mang-reject ng kaibigan, parang pinuputol mo na rin 'yong pagkakaibigan...
I called Lara to have company, but she already went home since it was Friday. I dialed Franko, he wasn't answering.
In the end, I finished my food and a few slices of pizza before asking a waiter to take the food and wrap them up. Ibibigay ko na nga lang sa pulubing makikita ko, marami naman sa paligid.
Pag-abot sa akin ng isang paper bag na medyo mabigat ng waiter, lumabas na ako ng fast food restaurant at naglakad patungong exit para makauwi. Nakatulala lang ako habang naglalakad dahil si William pa rin ang nasa isipan ko.
Iiwasan na kaya ako no'n?
That's usually how it went with friends confessing, right? I would understand if he does, but then... I guess I can't force him to stay friends for now if that's how he feels towards me. Mabuti nang mag-move on muna siya bago ulit ako kausapin.
"Bebe girl," I lifted my head and saw Daddy with Eve walking towards me. "Dad!" lumapit ako.
"Bakit ka nakatulala habang naglalakad? Mamaya, mabunggo ka," aniya habang kinukuha ang paperbag na hawak ko. "May iniisip lang, Dad."
Eve let go of Dad's hand to hold mine. "Happy birthday, Ate."
My mouth opened as I realized that today was my birthday! It vanished from my mind!
Naalala ko na birthday ko no'ng Sunday, iniisip ko na sa weekend na lang ako magse-celebrate. Sinabi ko rin 'yon kina Lara, William, at Franko. Kaya, walang celebration today. Pero, I actually forgot that today was the day!
"Thanks, Eve." Binaba ko ang ulo ko para mahalikan ni Eve ang pisngi ko dahil nakanguso na siya. "'Yang itsura mo, nalimutan mo ga?" Daddy asked.
"Yeah, I can't believe I did. Sa weekend kasi ako magse-celebrate, alam 'yon ng friends ko, kaya siguro... nawala na talaga sa mind ko."
Natawa si Daddy at inakbayan na ako para makapaglakad na muli. "Hindi bali, magse-celebrate pa rin tayo nina Eve sa condo mo. Tara na."
Eve and I talked as we walked and rode the lift. Kinuwento niya ang naging school fair week niya na nangyari noong January. He performed for an event, sumayaw siya kasama ang ilang kaklase—para daw may plus points sa MAPEH subject niya. Daddy was listening to him as if hindi pa 'yon nakuwento ni Eve sa kaniya. Sure naman ako na updated si Daddy kay Eve. Silang dalawa na lang ang natira sa Batangas, e.
"Bakit pala ang dami mong uwi?" I was opening the door with my key when Daddy asked, pertaining to the paperbag full of pizza and pasta.
"It's a long story, Dad. Basta, ibibigay ko 'yan sa pulubi, nalimutan ko lang."
Pagbukas ng pintuan, bumungad sa akin ang dalawa kong nakatatandang kapatid. Kuya Eli was holding a balloon while kuya Ed was holding the cake with a lit candle.
"Make a wish, bebe," kuya Eli said.
My eyes closed and I thought of what I wanted.
But nothing came.
Nothing specific like a book. or shoe. or dress.
Napangiti ako habang nakapikit dahil sa naisip. Whoa, I didn't want anything. Weird but good.
It felt like I had everything I wanted right now, so I just wished that everything would stay the way it was.
"Happy birthday, bebe!" my brothers hugged me after I blew the candles. "Thanks, Kuyas."
"Nakalimutan niya na birthday niya ngayon," ani Daddy sa dalawa. "Huh? Pa'no mo nakalimutan 'yon?" si kuya Ed.
"Kasi I was going to celebrate tomorrow pa talaga," I explained before putting my bag down and taking off my shoes.
Tinignan ko ang banner na nasa dingding, may mga balloons sa lapag. May mga kung ano-ano pang disenyo na nakadikit sa dingding, mga makukulay na plastic strips. There were hanging polaroids as well, obviously one of my brothers printed them and chose the ones that I look stupid in!
"Who printed these pictures?" I asked my brothers. Kuya Ed pointed to kuya Eli, lumapit ako at agad namang lumayo si kuya Eli.
"Why did you choose the ones where I look ugly, Kuya naman!" hinampas ko siya sa likod habang lumalayo pa rin siya sa akin.
"Cute kaya! Mukha kang endorser ng dentist, oh!" he took a polaroid of my sleeping face. My mouth was open so widely! Humihilik ako niyan!
"Kulit ng mamang ire! Kay sarap mong batukan, halika dine!" my Batangueña came out due to frustration. Kuya Ed and Eli laughed because of that.
"She's back," kuya Ed said before putting his arm on my shoulder to stop me from further murdering kuya Eli.
"Ate, I bought you these," I moved my eyes to look at Eve. Hawak-hawak niya ang regalo ko, naka-paperbag 'yon.
I took it and looked at what was inside. Iba't ibang libro 'yon at puro thriller and theme. Ngumiti ako at binukas ang mga braso upang mayapos ang bunsong kapatid.
"Pinag-ipunan niya 'yan. Siya rin ang pumili no'ng kami'y napunta sa mall." Proud na sabi ni Daddy habang tinitignan ko ang mga libro.
"Salamat, Eve," I kissed his forehead and put the gifts near my bed so that they won't be in the way.
"But I just ate dinner," I told my brothers as they were giving me a plate and utensils. "Sige, dessert na lang, bumili kami ng creme brulee." I nodded at kuya Ed's words.
My family ate as I did at the dining table.
"Sabi ni Eli, may ka-date ka raw no'ng pumunta siya no'ng huli. Sino 'yon, Eloise?" from chewing, I drank water and thought momentarily because of kuya Ed's question.
"It was not a date, Kuya, I already told you it wasn't." I turned my head and looked at kuya Eli who was putting more pasta on his plate.
"We just ate dinner, Kuya," sabi ko naman kay kuya Ed. "It was only him and you, Eloise. That's a date." Kuya Eli insisted.
"Hahabol daw si Aly," kuya Ed interjected, "and, Eloise, if you really are dating this guy. Let me meet him. Sino ba kasi 'yan? 'Di mo naman ako sinagot, e."
"Pinsan ng kaibigan ko, kumain lang kami ng dinner, okay." Nagpatuloy ako sa pag-scoop ng dessert na kinakain at sinubo 'yon.
"He looks like a nice kid, Kuya," ani kuya Eli. "Ano pangalan?"
"Graham, Graham Laurel," sagot ko.
Tumango si kuya Ed at may ibinulong kay kuya Eli. I didn't mind them anymore and just talked to Daddy and Eve for the rest of the evening.
When I had the chance to see my phone, I saw a missed call from Graham.