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Chapter 42
Today's the last session of my chemotherapy. Wala akong ibang hiling kung hindi sana ay pagkatapos ng mga sandaling ito ay tuluyan na akong gumaling.
But I know it's not the right process. Not because it says it's done means it's really over. Alam kong simula pa lang ito ng lahat.
"You can go back home after this, yes?"
Terrence was hopeful when he asked me that. Hindi na siya umalis pa ng bahay ko magmula kahapon nang magkita kami muli. I already expected this. Gusto ko rin naman na hindi na siya umalis pero ayaw ko naman na sa akin manggagaling 'yon.
"I want to. You think they are ready to see me?" may kalabog ang puso na sabi ko.
Sa kabila ng kagustuhan kong makasama ang mga anak namin, naroon ang matinding pangamba na baka ayaw nila sa akin. May muwang na sila. Kagaya nga ng sinasabi ni Terrence, lumaki silang matalino at may alam sa mga bagay.
Paano kung hindi nila ako magustuhan sa kabila ng katotohanang alam nila kung sino ako sa buhay nila? Paano kung hindi nila ako tanggapin?
These kinds of thoughts are what makes me step back.
But I know it's not the right thing to do.
Terrence stopped in front of me. I'm sitting on the edge of the bed just silently staring at him. Katatapos niya lang maligo at magbihis.
I woke up early to take a bath and fixed myself. Naglagay rin ako nang kaunting kolorete sa mukha para magmukhang maganda. But no matter what I do, I just can't look at the mirror and see the beauty that I once had before.
Hinawakan niya ang mga kamay ko. I looked at him as he placed my arms around his waist.
"You seem anxious. They are yours, Priscilla," seryosong aniya. "Sa'yo sila nanggaling."
"I know. Hindi ko lang rin maiwasan lalo pa at alam kong kasalanan ko kung bakit lumaki sila nang wala ako."
Hawak ang aking mga kamay, naupo siya sa harapan ko at pinantayan ang aking mga mata. He cupped my cheek and caressed it gently.
"Besides, I didn't tell them anything bad about you. Walang kahit na sino sa pamilya ang nagsasalita nang hindi maganda laban sa'yo," aniya. "I never let them."
Isa rin palaisipan sa akin kung ano ang maaaring naging tingin ng mga Monasterio sa akin. Some might even not give any care about my disappearance. Ang mga malalapit sa akin, marahil ay nag-alala rin.
According to him, his parents already knew what happened to me. That I have their sympathy. Maging ang mga magulang ko ay alam rin ang katotohanan.
All those times, they knew what I was going through but decided not to intervene with my life. Kasi sila mismo, alam na ayaw ko nang pinapangunahan ako.
Huminga ako nang malalim saka tipid na ngumiti sa kaniya.
"We'll get home after my chemotherapy. Doon ko na lang rin itutuloy ang pagpapa check up ko."
He nodded. "Once you finish your therapy, is there an assurance that you'll be cancer free?"
I let out a sad smile and shook my head.
"I still have to wait for a few more years with regular check ups before my oncologist finds out if I'm cancer free. But not because I'm out of it, it won't ever come back again."
His eyes darkened. Umigting ang panga niya at nag-iwas ng tingin. Sandali siyang natahimik bago tumungo at bumagsak ang balikat.
I held his broad shoulder, trying to comfort him in any way I can.
"I'll be fine, Terrence. Naniniwala akong tuluyan na akong gagaling."q
He breathed a sigh and looked at me. His eyes were somehow glassy. Hindi ko maiwasan isipin na may mga luhang gustong kumawala doon.
"You will be fine, baby," he assured as if he can control my life. "You have to."
That day, he came with me to the hospital and wait till I'm done with my chemotherapy. Nang kausapin ako ng doktor ay kasama ko na rin siya. She told me that I have to visit her and do my regular check ups every three months.
We have to wait for at least five years to see if I will fully recover from it.
"I cannot assure you that cancer will no longer come back once I declair you cancer free. It's a traitor. You still have to continue your vitamins, medicine and always maintain a healthy lifestyle..." The oncologist informed us. "Live to the fullest as much as possible."
Those words made me feel blue. Kahit pa alam ko naman na posibleng mangyari ang bagay na 'yon ay tila ba hindi pa rin ako handa. Or maybe, it sounds breaking because Terrence was with me. Akala ko, ayos lang na mamatay ako dahil mag-isa lang ako.
Ayaw ko sila makitang nalulungkot o nasasaktan nang dahil sa akin. But maybe, it is my destiny. And no one can change it but the dear Lord.
"What's the use of the fucking chemotherapy if it won't be able to cure her?" may iritasyon na tanong ni Terrence.
Hinawakan ko ang kamay niya para subukan siyang pakalmahin. His jaw was clenching. Eyes dark and filled with irritation.
Nagpalipat ng tingin sa amin ang doktora. Tipid akong ngumiti, humihingi ng tawag sa ganoong paraan.
"It's to kill the cancer cells that have been found in her body. But sometimes, cancer cells that are too small can't locate even with this process. Over the time, they grow and multiply in the body. Within that period, symptoms will come out."
Lumuwag ang pagkakahawak ni Terrence sa kamay ko dahilan para tingnan ko siya. He glanced at me in disbelief. I had to look away to avoid seeing the sadness in his eyes.
I do not wish to live a life where I will reach the age of seventy or eighty. Sapat na mga taon lang para makasama ko si Terrence at ang mga anak namin. Magabayan sila hanggang sa paglaki.
I know I should have this kind of mindset before I left my family in the dark. Pero kung bibigyan ako ng pagkakataon na makabawi sa kanila, kahit na sandali lang... gagawin ko.
"Babalik ka na ng Pinas?" tanong ni Ruth sa akin, namimilog ang mga mata na tila ba hindi 'yon inaasahan. "Sure ka na diyan?"
I was looking at Terrence and Duke talking with each other. Nasa labas sila ng bahay, nakatayo habang nakaharap sa isa't isa. Dumating dito si Ruth at ilang sandali lang ay sumunod na rin si Duke.
Kagaya ng inaasahan ko, para na naman silang aso't pusa.
"Iyon rin naman ang dapat kong gawin, Ruth. Malaki ang kasalanan ko sa kanila. Lalo na sa mga bata..." sagot ko. "Babawi ako hangga't may pagkakataon."
She sighed and sipped on the straw of her iced coffee.
"Pay me a visit here. Hindi ko na rin talaga gusto pa ang bumalik ng Pinas. I'm already happy here with Dominique."
Saka ko lang inalis ang titig kay Terrence na siyang nakatingin rin sa gawi ko para ituon ang atensyon kay Ruth.
"Are you two..." I paused. "You know... back to each other again?"
Mabilis siyang umiling habang nanglalaki ang mga mata.
"No. No way. Hindi na ako magkakamali pa na mahulog ulit sa kaniya, Priscilla." aniya saka tiningnan ang gawi nina Duke. I caught him staring back at Ruth. "Life is more beautiful even without a man. Kung noon ay gustong gusto ko ang mapunta sa isang Monasterio, ngayon ay gagawin ko ang lahat huwag lang magkaroon ng koneksyon sa kanila."
"Your son is a Monasterio, Ruth." paalala ko.
She sighed and glanced back to me. "Dominique is a Monasterio, Ruth. Kahit anong gawin mo, konektado ka sa kanila."
She didn't speak. Tama lang rin naman ang sinasabi ko. Takbuhan niya man ang mga Monasterio, kung gugustuhin siyang hulihin ng mga ito, wala rin siyang magagawa lalo pa at anak niya ang dugo't laman ng mga ito.
Now that Duke knows the truth, I don't think he would let her get away. Unless... there's no serious feelings involved.
Bago ko pa mamalayan ay nasa tabi ko na si Terrence. Duke, meanwhile was standing in front of Ruth. Hinaplos ni Terrence ang balikat ko.
I smiled a little at him.
"I already booked a ticket back home. Tomorrow morning."
Tumango ako bilang sagot. "I'll start packing my things later."
He nodded and anchored his dark eyes on Ruth. Hindi ko alam kung may galit pa rin siya para dito pero sinabi kong si Ruth ang nasa tabi ko noong mga panahong bagsak na bagsak ako dahil sa pinagdaanan ko.
"Are you coming with us?" he asked.
Mabilis na umiling si Ruth. "My life is here."
Pasimple akong napatingin sa gawi ni Duke. Mariin siyang nakatitig sa gawi ni Ruth, taas ang dalawang kilay.
"Then I'll stay here, too."
"Fucker. Masiyado kayong maraming negosyo sa Pinas para manatili dito." sagot ni Terrence.
"Kaya na ng mga kapatid ko 'yon." Si Duke nang hindi inaalis ang tingin kay Ruth.
"How about Iz-"
"Terrence..." putol ni Duke kay Terrence.
Huminga ako nang malalim at itinuon sa kawalan ang atensyon. Napatingin lang akong muli kay Terrence nang marinig ang pagtunog ng cell phone nito.
He looked at it, his eyes stared there for a short while.
"Si Mama." imporma niya.
Umiling ako. Hangga't maaari, ayaw kong humarap sa kanila nang hindi personal. Nahihiya ako kahit pa alam nila ang kundisyon ko. Oras na makabalik na ako ng Pinas, sila ang una kong pupuntahan para hingan ng tawad.
"Terrence, I'm sorry for the sudden call. Nangungulit kasi si Alexene at gusto ka makita." boses ni Mama Tate ang pumailanlan sa tainga ko.
Bahagyang lumayo si Terrence para iiwas na rin sa akin ang atensyon kung sakaling hanapin ako ni Mama Tate.
"Give her the camera, Ma."
"Alright. Wait a second."
Napatingin ako kay Ruth. She was staring at me, her eyes were asking. I smiled a bit and looked away.
"Daddy! When are you coming home? I miss you."
The sound of Alexene's voice made me shut my eyes as pain embraced my heart. Ganoon pala ang timbre ng boses niya. Maliit ngunit medyo matining.
"I'll be back tomorrow with a surprise for you and your brother."
Nagmulat ako ng mga mata at tumingin sa gawi ni Terrence. He was already staring at me carefully.
"Oh, what is that, Daddy? A barbie with a purple hair?"
Mahina akong natawa. Gusto niya pala ng barbie na may ganoong kulay ng buhok? I remember my young self wanting that kind of doll, too.
Namana niya pala sa akin.
Terrence chuckled. "I'm still trying to look for that one for you, Alexene."
"Okay. But Daddy, can you ask Tita Shannen to come here. I'm missing her already!"
The smile on Terrence's lips slowly faded while looking at me. Hindi ko alam kung bakit tila nagkaroon ng alinlangan ang mga tingin niya sa akin matapos iyon sabihin ni Alexene.
"I miss seeing the two of you together. Let's make pancakes again!" she cheered.
I don't know who Shannen is. But the way Alexene talks about her... and Terrence wearing that kind of expression while looking at me feels like... something is off.
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