Chapter 24
Easier
"Ida. . . Si Boaz. . ." Agnes trails off.
Nakatitig ako sa langit. Gabi na. Walang kahit isang bituin o mga ulap. Hindi ko alam kung bakit.
Pinaglalaruan na naman ako ng langit. It's like it's mocking the emptiness I'm feeling. Or maybe I am misunderstanding it. Siguro, gusto lang akong damayan ng langit. To make me feel that I am not the only one who's empty.
"Nakita ko ang mga pictures. Kung hindi mo siya gustong makita hindi ko siya paaakyatin dito. Sinubukan ko namang sabihin sa kaniyang sa susunod na lang pero mukhang gusto niya talagang makausap ka," ani Agnes.
Hindi ako nagsalita.
"Hindi ko alam kung totoo ba ang sinasabi ng mga tao. Nagagalit ako kay Boaz. Ngayon pa talaga kung kailan. . ." Bumuntonghininga si Agnes. "I can't believe that he can do this to you. . ."
"You cannot believe it because you know it's not true," I say.
Natahimik si Agnes at napatitig sa akin. Para bang hindi niya inaasahang magsasalita ako.
"He didn't cheat on you," she mumbles after a while. It's not a question.
Natahimik kaming dalawa pero nagsalita rin siya makalipas ang ilang minuto.
"Gusto mo ba siyang makausap?"
Nanatili akong nakatanaw sa malayo. "Tell him to come tomorrow. I'm too tired tonight."
Bumuntonghininga si Agnes pero wala na siyang sinabi pa. Agad siyang umalis.
Tahimik akong dumiretso sa kama at humiga roon. I stare at the ceiling of the room and wondered if lolo has done this many times in the past. Tinitigan niya rin siguro nang ganito ang kisame ng kwarto niya. Maybe he felt the sadness looming over his heart too.
That's right. I was wrong.
Katulad lang ako ng ibang tao. Sa mga panahong nahihirapan si lolo, ang inisip ko lang ay ang kalagayan ko. I even kept on asking why he was so sad when he still had me. I thought it was ridiculous for him to think that he no longer had reasons to live after lola died. I can't believe he endured this many years with a broken heart.
Dahil ba sa akin? Kaya tiniis niya ang mahabang panahong dala-dala ang sakit ng pagkawala ni lola?
All these years, I have been giving lolo the burden of staying with me. Ni hindi siya nagalit o nagreklamo. Ni hindi niya sinabi sa aking makasarili ako. I belittled the pain he felt. I am just like everybody else. I am just like my mother. Maybe I don't really take after Idris Zavala. I probably have taken after my mother.
Selfish. All I think about is myself. I didn't understand lolo's feelings. All I have ever been was controlling. Bumuhos ang mga luha ko. I did not only do it with lolo. I am still doing it with Boaz. I have been controlling a lot of people with my selfish whims.
In truth, Boaz won't be experiencing all of these if it wasn't for me. I shouldn't have let my curiosity take control. I should have just let Boaz learn what he needs to on his own. Hindi ko na dapat ginulo pa ang mundo niya.
Nasaktan siya noon sa nangyari sa kaniya at inulit ko lang iyon ngayon. Sinaktan ko lang ulit si Boaz. I have let the people scorn him just as they did in the past. Gusto kong protektahan siya pero lalo lang siyang nasaktan.
He should just leave me. He should just live his own life. He should not worry about me. He should not waste his time with someone like me.
Iyon ang nasa isipan ko kinabukasan. Nang nasa harapan ko na si Boaz, wala akong ibang maisip kundi iyon. Nakakatawa na para bang mundo na ang nagbigay ng dahilan sa akin para pakawalan siya.
What an opportunity. It's so funny. The world probably hates me so much.
Tinititigan ko si Boaz na nag-aalala namang nakatingin sa akin. His shoulders are slumped and his eyes are restless. He looks like he hasn't slept a wink. He must be thinking and worrying about the pictures of him and Kiesha. He must think I'm upset or angry.
But I don't feel anything but pity.
Pagod ako. I'm too tired. I just want to rest and take a very long sleep.
"Ida. . ."
His voice is full of fear. Kung sabagay. Ngayon lang nangyari ito. Hindi niya siguro alam ang gagawin.
He's scared. I want to pull him and give him a hug. I just want to caress his hair and tell him that everything is gonna be alright.
But I'm too tired. I feel so guilty. Bakit pagod at awa lang ang nararamdaman ko?
"H-Hindi totoo ang sinasabi nila. I can't do that to you."
Nanatili akong nakatitig sa kaniya. He's covering me from the morning sun. This day looks so peaceful—with the soft clouds covering the blue sky like cotton. Everything looks so beautiful. . . Yet they still look gloomy in my eyes. At kahit si Boaz ang nasa harapan ko, itim at puti lang ang nakikita ko.
Boaz. . . I know for sure that I love you. But this war inside my heart. . . I can't win it with just your love. Time? Space? I don't know any remedy. I'm too broken. Kung pag-ibig ang sagot sa bawat laban. . . Paano iyon kung ang mayroon lang ako sa ilang mga ligong lumipas ay pagod?
"I'm sorry, Ida. . ."
Boaz looks scared. His hands are trembling—as if he wants to raise them and hold me but can't.
Hindi ako umimik sa ilang minutong lumipas. Pinagmasdan ko lang siya at ganoon din siya sa akin. I give him a small smile. Bumagsak ang tingin niya sa ngiti ko at mukhang hindi niya iyon inaasahan.
"It's fine." I pause for a couple of seconds. Pagkatapos ay tumalikod ako para bumalik na sa kwarto ko.
"Ida," he calls. "Ida, sandali."
Napatigil ako nang maramdaman ang mainit niyang kamay sa kamay ko. Maingat ang hawak niya pero ramdam na ramdam ko ang takot na nanggagaling doon.
"Ida. . . Nakipag-usap lang ako sa kaniya dahil—"
"I told you. . . It's fine."
Natahimik siya. Humigpit nang kaunti ang hawak niya sa akin.
Lumipas ang ilang segundo. Minuto. Gusto ko nang tuluyan nang umakyat at magpahinga. But then he talks again.
"It shouldn't be fine."
Natigilan ako at napalingon sa kaniya. His eyes are bloodshot. Kung kanina ay takot lang ang nakikita ko sa mga mata niya, ngayon, puno na iyon ng kalungkutan.
Parang mabilis lang na lumipas ang panahon. O baka akala ko lang, mabilis ang panahon pero tumigil lang talaga ang oras sa mundo ko. Ilang linggo na rin ang lumipas. Para siguro sa iba, ang tagal na ng nangyari. Pero para sa akin, parang kahapon lang ang lahat.
Maybe that's why I feel confused with what I am feeling. Kaya siguro napapaisip ako kung sobrang tagal ko na bang malungkot para makita sa mga mata ni Boaz ang pagod.
Ilang beses ko na ba siyang nasaktan sa nakaraang mga linggo? Hindi ko alam. Dahil parang lumipas lang ang lahat ng nangyari noong nakaraan sa akin. Hindi ko namalayan na ilang linggo na pala ang dumaan.
"Ida, it shouldn't be fine," ulit niya.
Anger? Disappointment? I can't figure out which emotion is dancing in his eyes.
"Ano ang gusto mo, Boaz? Should I get mad at you? Mas gusto mo bang magalit ako?"
Hindi ko na rin kilala ang sarili ko. Sometimes, I say things I didn't know I can even say and think things I didn't know I can even think of. My mind is too clouded. I just don't want to deal with anything. . .because I know I am not in my best state and I'll just ruin everything.
Like what's happening right now.
I'm too embarrassed to even let him see me this broken. Because I thought Ida Mishal was strong and confident. I thought Ida Mishal was independent and unwavering. I was wrong. I spoke too soon.
Boaz's face contorts in a more pained expression. Hindi siya sumagot.
At this point, I might just spew words I know I don't mean. Like my mother. I thought I was different from her.
"I don't mind it if you meet up with people you want to meet up with. I don't care if it's a boy or another woman. It's your life—"
"Ida, naririnig mo ba ang sinasabi mo?"
"Boaz," umiwas ako ng tingin, "let's just talk about this some other time."
Natahimik kami. Pero binasag niya ang katahimikang 'yon nang magsalita siya sa basag niyang boses.
"Bukas ulit?"
Bumalik ang tingin ko sa kaniya. He covers his eyes with his free hand. Humigpit ang hawak niya sa kamay ko. Lumalalim ang paghinga niya at pakiramdam ko, alam ko ang dahilan.
"Bukas na naman?" His voice breaks.
I purse my lips, getting angry at myself with each passing second.
"Ida, please. . . Please don't be like this."
He's hurt, Ida. He's hurt. Yet. . .why do you not feel anything?
Inalis ni Boaz ang pagkakatakip niya sa mga mata niya at nakita ko ang pamumula ng mga iyon. He looks at me with a hurt expression, his eyes glistening with unshed tears. Dinala niya ang kamay ko sa mga labi niya. He kisses my palm and closes his eyes. Inilagay niya sa pisngi niya ang kamay ko at dinama ang palad ko roon. His hand is warm on top of mine—just like how warm his flowing tears are.
He looks desperate to make me feel something. He probably knows how empty I've been feeling. Pero pagod din siya. Tulad ko.
"Ida, please. . ."
He brings his eyes back up to me. Umiwas ako ng tingin. He intertwines our fingers. Dahan-dahan siyang humakbang palapit sa akin at ibinalot ako sa isang yakap.
"I'm sorry. . . Hindi ko na uulitin," aniya, basag ang boses. "I'm sorry."
Boaz, I'm sorry. "I'm just tired. It's not your fault," I mumble.
Humigpit ang yakap niya sa akin. "Nandito lang ako."
"You don't have to be."
"Ida, I want to be here for you."
"I'm too tired, Boaz."
I'm so sure. After all of these, I'd regret this day. I'm sure that after waking up from my misery and finding out I hurt him, I will hate myself. But this isn't just for me.
"I can't deal with anything right now. . . So can we just. . ."
I start hesitating. Are you sure, Ida Mishal?
I'm not. I'm not sure.
But I have so many things inside my mind. . . I know Boaz deserves to breathe from everything—from me.
Hindi ko alam kung ano ang nararamdaman niya habang nakikita akong nagkakaganito. I just don't want him to see me like this. I don't want him to remember this kind of Ida Mishal. I want him to have all the good things.
Ayokong makita siyang nahihirapan habang tinutulungan akong umahon. Ayokong mas lalong maawa sa sarili ko habang pinagmamasdan siyang gawin iyon. Ni hindi ko nga alam kung makakaahon ako. How can I pull him in this pit with me?
Huminga ako nang malalim, sinusubukang sabihin ang mga salitang nasa isipan ko na mula pa kahapon.
Hindi ko magawa. Parang dinudukot ang puso ko mula sa dibdib ko. The selfish part of me is preventing me from saying another word.
Just keep him, the other part of me says. Keep him until you're okay. You want him.
Hah. How can I do that to such a good man? How can I think of pulling him into my grave and breaking his heart along with mine?
Niluwagan ni Boaz ang yakap sa akin. Hinawakan niya ang magkabila kong balikat para tingnan ang mga mata ko. Parang may batong nakabara sa lalamunan ko.
He's too precious to me. He's so beautiful. I can't bear to shatter him. To break him apart. To ruin his life. Because he's the most beautiful to me.
"Break up?" Boaz mumbles the words I can't say.
For the first time after a long while, I start feeling fear again.
His tears are endless. They keep falling. Yet a warm smile is curving on his lips—despite the obvious sadness in his eyes.
Hindi ako nakapagsalita. Dahil kahit ako, takot sa gusto kong isagot.
Natatakot ako. Kinakabahan. Alam kong ayaw kong mawala siya. He's everything to me now. I lost lolo. I can't lose him. But I just have no idea. . .how I can make things better again. Araw-araw, lalo lang lumalala ang lahat. Bawat linggong lumilipas, lalo ko lang siyang nasasaktan. Hindi ko na kilala ang sarili ko. Ayaw kong saktan siya.
"Will that make things a little bit easier for you?" Kalmado ang boses ni Boaz.
No. My heart cracks.
But everything is just too much for me. I don't know what to do. I'm not sure what decisions to make. For the first time in my life, I am not confident with my choice.
A part of me is crying—begging. Please, don't leave me. Please don't leave me, Boaz. But a greater part of me knows I shouldn't be controlling and selfish anymore. Nagawa ko na noon iyon kay lolo. I shouldn't be that way. I don't deserve to have anyone whether family, friends, or the love of my life. Because I will just control them. Because I'm selfish.
Will this make things easier for me? I don't know, Boaz. I just know this is the best for you.
Save yourself from me.
"Alam mong mahal kita, 'di ba?"
Parang may bukol sa lalamunan ko nang marinig ko ang tanong niyang iyon. Namuo ang luha sa mga mata ko.
I know. I know, Bow. And I love you too. Even my broken heart beats for you.
Dahan-dahan siyang lumapit sa akin at hinawakan ang magkabila kong mga pisngi. He bends down a little and plants a soft kiss on my lips. Napapikit ako.
He slowly pulls away. Hinawi niya ang buhok ko at inipit sa magkabila kong tainga. Pinagmasdan niya ako ng ilang segundo. Ipinasada niya ang hinlalaki sa pang-ibabang labi kong tinitigan niya rin. Pagkatapos ay pumikit siya, tumango ng isang beses, at tumalikod bago naglakad palayo.
It was the last time I saw Boaz.
And just like what I anticipated.
Everything just got worse.
For me.
But I hope it made everything a little bit easier for him.