I know pain, but I also know love
I know betrayal, but I trust you
I may know hate
but I can't hate you
I can be cold, but I choose to give
And when there's nothing left
for you to take
I'd offer more just for your sake
Cooper
Present Day
Every day since Emma left, I found myself driving around all of our familiar places. A part of me always hoped I'd bump into her and we'd magically start right where we left off. The truth was, I don't know where we left off. She'd left so sudden, and without saying goodbye. It wasn't the way I'd pictured things to end between us. To be honest, I didn't want it to end. But, we both had different plans. None of which included the other. Not really. Then, after spending the Summer with her, something changed between us. At least, that's what it felt like for me.
I'd planned on taking her with me, creating a life together. During the last two weeks of our summer together, I'd picked up extra shifts at work to save up enough money to get her something special, a gift to show her I was serious about her, us.
But, I never got a chance. She'd left town before I could prove to her my love was real. It wasn't what we'd planned. Her biggest dream was to get out of this damn town and create a life of her own. I envied her fearless determination. It was something I lacked. I think that's what initially drew me to her. She didn't care about what anyone else thought, or worry about things not working out. I had my own dreams. I didn't want the life my parents had created for me. I wanted a life of my own. A life on my own terms. I too wanted to leave Ash Falls, but my plan was to come back as a self-made man, without the influence of my parents' social and financial status.
In the end, she was the only one who was able to leave. I stayed behind, for reasons bigger than myself.
I never got around to telling her, but her optimism inspired me. I admired her will to simply be who she was. No excuses.
I've spent the last four years, thinking about all the things I'd do differently. If time travel existed, I'd go back to the very first day I met her and do it all over again. Make better choices. I'd do everything in my power to keep her in my life.
Once she'd returned, I thought it'd be a matter of time before she'd come looking for me. When she didn't, I had no other choice but to look for her.
I parked my car at the Inn where Emma is staying. I glanced up toward her window and prayed for a glimpse of her. I'd give anything to see her smile at me. A smile that would melt the strongest of hearts, including mine.
Now, all I had were memories. Memories of a seventeen-year-old girl who four years ago had stolen my heart. The girl who, who unknowingly, made me realize there was no way I could ever live without her. She didn't know the things I'd planned for her, for us. She didn't know I'd convinced my parents to give me two years, away from them, and Ash Falls. To live life on my own terms. To do the things I wanted. And, if in two years I hadn't come back a success, I'd take over the family business.
Sadly, it never came to pass. When Emma left me, there was no reason to try anymore. I'd lost my purpose to live. What remained was a shell of who I once was.
But, seeing her again sparked something inside of me. Something I thought had vanished. The desire to give her what she deserved was like a burning fire inside of me.
Even if it blew up in my face, I had one chance left. One chance to prove to Emma we belonged together.
I turned the key in the ignition and prepared to pull out of the parking spot when I spot Emma walking toward me. She's wearing a sundress that shows off her legs and just like her adoration for me, her smile is absent.
I stepped out of the car. "Hey."
"What do you want, Cooper?" she snapped at me. I could tell by the look on her face that she's upset. But having her angry at me was better than her not talking to me.
"Four years, and that's what I get?" I let a lopsided smile fill my lips.
"What can I say, I'm in the giving mood."
"Well, why don't you start with an explanation? It's the least I deserve."
She scrunched up her nose, a gesture so absurdly adorable my breath stuttered in my chest. "What you deserve is a six-feet hole in the ground."
"Don't you think that's a bit harsh?"
"Hardly what you deserve."
"What I deserve? At the very least, you owe me an explanation."
She meets my eyes and lifts an eyebrow. "You're joking, right?"
"I'm not the one who skipped town without as much as a goodbye."
Her eyes take on an almost guilty expression for a split second, but then it's gone. "Says the guy who married my sister."
"You don't know the things that happened after you left. You weren't here."
She crosses her arms. "Obviously, I didn't need to be."
I know she's upset, but so am I. Four long years have gone by and she still won't tell me why she ran off. Did I matter so little to her? Did our time together mean nothing? I didn't want to believe she didn't care. But, now that she was back and showing no regret leaving, it was evident she had been over me a long time ago. My heart ached. "Was it so easy for you? To just get up any go without telling me?"
"Leaving was the easy part," she said.
I let out a nervous chuckle and run a hand through my hair. "I've been playing this conversation in my head for four years. I imagined what I'd say, and what you'd say, and not once did it you'd say leaving what we had was easy."
"Well, sometimes life doesn't happen the way you plan." She placed her hands on her hips. "Anyway, I didn't come back for you, if that's what you're thinking."
"Of course not. You came back for your mother."
"That's right. She's the only reason I came back."
"Same ol' Emma. Hiding behind her words."
"Don't you fucking do that," she said, her voice rising. "Don't act like you know me."
"But, I do know you."
"All you know is that scared girl who fell recklessly in love. I'm not her. I haven't been her in a long time," she said.
Her words cut right through me. She didn't have to remind me how many years had passed between us. I would have given anything to have seen her blow out her twenty-first birthday candle. Would have paid a million dollars to see her face light up on Christmas and nothing could ever make me feel better about not being able to give her roses on Valentines Day. Time was the one thing neither one of us were ever going to get back. But, she was here now. I had to try and fix things. "You're right, I know that girl too well. That's why I want to know what happened. Why you left without saying goodbye."
She lowered her gaze. "Just go. I can't sleep knowing you're over here, staring up at my window."
"Am I making you nervous?"
"More like making me want to call the cops," she said, and then, "Please, just leave me alone." The sadness in her voice gutted me. I'd caused that. I was the reason she was in so much pain. I couldn't live with that anymore.
I rush toward her and stand directly in front of her in an attempt to stop her. "Emma, we have to talk about it."
"About what, Cooper? About how you broke the heart of a hopeless teenage girl who loved you more than life itself?" Her voice is sharp and biting.
"Not one of my proudest moments," I said. "But, I can explain. If you'll only let me."
"Nothing you say will take away from the fact that you ruined everything we had," she said, walking around me. I watch her helplessly. Her hips swaying with every step. I picture every contour of her body because I know it by heart. She pauses, and looks back at me. "We all make choices, Cooper. Unfortunately, some can't be undone."
***
Emma
Present
I stared out from behind the curtain of my rented room at the Ash Falls Inn, a charming beach cottage, built circa 1937, originally the summer home for a Norfolk family. It had been transformed into a mini spa resort with a third-floor spa tower. Historical postcards decorate the B&B, which has eight beautifully appointed rooms that strike a balance between modern amenities and tasteful antique furnishings.
I've known every inch of this place since I was seventeen years old. I've dreamt about it and relived my demons in the same room I was now hiding. I longed to forget; forget the past that haunted me, and most of all, forget Cooper, who is still parked across the street in his car looking up at my window.
All that remains between us are memories of a young first love, and the pain of a betrayal so deep that no amount of time could repair it. Memories that flush back and knock my breath out of my lungs.
"Breathe, Emma," I told myself, taking deep breaths like I've been taught. I count, slowly. One. Breathe. Two. Breathe. By the time I count to ten, my breathing has steadied.
I've spent one night in Ash Falls, and I've already had two panic attacks. I don't know how I can make it through three more days. I had been numb for so long that I hadn't prepared for what it would feel like when I'd finally returned. I'd never really thought I'd come back. Sure, somewhere deep inside of me, I kind of hoped that one day, I'd come back. But, the reality was more painful than I had imagined.
There was a time when I was angry at the world; angry at Cooper. But now, all that remained was a void. My life had become a reckless routine of self-pity and torture. And all because of that night four years ago. The night I ran out on my dreams and the only man I have ever loved. I didn't just abandon Cooper and my family behind when I left Ash Falls.
I abandoned all hope.
I stepped back from the window and lay down on the bed. It didn't matter Cooper was outside, looking sexier than I last remembered. His face was leaner and sculpted with a strong, well-defined jaw, and he still had the tall, confident bearing that suggested a man used to getting his own way. But, not today. Not ever again.
There was nothing left to be said. It didn't matter how much my body ached for Cooper's touch, or that my heart has never loved another the way I once loved Cooper. The past was the past. It couldn't be undone. Cooper had moved on with someone else.
The moment I decided to come back to Ash Falls, I knew it would be difficult for me to leave again. I knew my heart would want to stay, here. . . with Cooper. And, that was impossible. Cooper made his choice, and it wasn't me.
It took me a long time to accept I wasn't the one he'd ended up with, the one he'd married, or had kids with. I was a naive, young girl, who once loved a boy. A boy who never truly lived for me the way I lived for him. But, I wasn't her anymore. Come Monday, I was going back to my life, far away from Ash Falls and Cooper.
Even with our past hanging over us, suffocating me while I struggle with the wanting to be near him, I was leaving and never coming back.