In the beginning the stares had been of happy nature, people giggling behind their hands and guessing who the lucky lady was. But that was no longer the case. By now, most people Wanderer encounter on the familiar way, coming from the florist, knew that those flowers were not meant for a date, but rather the opposite.
The sun was shining brightly - a fact that annoyed Wanderer more than it pleased him, since sunshine didn't fit his mood. Still, the heliotropes he was carrying gleamed all the brighter in their purple and pink colours. He didn't even know if you'd liked them. Or their colour. He had never asked you about your favorite colour.
There were so many things he had never asked you and now regretted not knowing.
He chose heliotropes because they were flowers that were said to always turn to the sun. Somehow, he found that fitting for you.
Because you had definitely been his sun.
On his way to you, he ran into a familiar person, one he hadn't seen in some time. He tried evading her, but it was impossible - once she had seen him, she immediately went for him.
"Safiyya," he greeted her once she stood in front of him.
"Wanderer," she nodded at him, but then immediately focused on the flowers. "Are they for...?"
"Obviously."
"I'm sure she will like them. They're beautiful." Safiyya smiled at him kindly, but she wasn't able to hide the subtle sadness behind her expression.
"Hm." Not wanting to spend too much time talking to her, he tried to continue on his way.
"Wanderer..." she said once more, stopping him from leaving by stepping in front of him yet again. "Farid says he needs you for the next mission."
For the first time this encounter, Wanderer looked into the girl's eyes while he was talking to her, to get her to understand his point. "Farid is not my boss."
She didn't hesitate to return his cold stare. "He is now."
"He can fuck off!" The sudden aggression that always gripped him whenever he was at a loss for what to say or do exploded on Safiyya, but she didn't even flinch. Having dealt with him a lot already, she knew what to expect of him.
"It's the same for all of us, you know? We know how you feel," she confronted him with equally harsh words, but then her voice suddenly turned quiet. "I know how you feel."
"You know nothing!" How dare she compare what they both had lost? Their relationships with you had been completely different!
"I do," she stated quietly but firmly. "But it's been months. It's time for you to come back to the team. I think it would be good for your mental state."
She was obviously trying to look out for him, he told himself to force down his anger. There was no point in letting it out on her. Safiyya had done nothing wrong. Wanderer swallowed his words and took a deep breath before he continued talking to her more calmly, yet still cold. "How come my mental state bothers you?"
"Because we're friends," she said, gently touching his arm to emphasize her words. "Please, Wanderer. We know you're not doing well. You've been shutting yourself in all this time."
He shook her off. "That's not even true!"
"It is, except for those few weeks where you went to search for her mother, but other than that-"
This time he wasn't even angry, he just wanted her to stop talking, to let him go, let him be. "Shut up, Safiyya!"
Safiyya did not stand in his way again, she let him go, but not without one last try to persuade him. "... That's not what she would want, and you know it."
"Tsk." Wanderer just pulled his hat down further into his face and left her standing in the alley.
Continuing on his way through Sumeru City he couldn't help but contemplate Safiyya's words. He knew she was right. You wouldn't want him to close himself off like he did, yet he still didn't manage to pick himself up from the floor.
He still needed time.
After a while he finally arrived at his destination, a small hall near the Sanctuary of Surasthana. It was only lightly decorated, just a few small tables, filled with presents from people you knew, and pillows to sit on them.
In the middle of the room, there was you. Curled up like an embryo and clear, as if you were a sculpture carved from crystal, floating in the air. Your side, where the wound had been, was still glowing faintly and would probably never stop.
Wanderer put the heliotropes in one of the empty vases and stepped closer until he stood before what was essentially your grave.
His hand reached out to you, softly sliding his fingers over what was supposed to be the skin of your upper arm. It felt hard and smooth, like a polished stone, and slightly warm, though not as warm as a living being.
His calm expression turned into one of pain and anger as he turned away from you swiftly.
"I should be thankful? For this?" he remembered your mother's words with flames of anger in his stomach. "There is nothing fucking eternal about this!"
He grabbed the flowers and tore the bouquet apart, but managed to stop himself before he smashed yet another vase.
"This is no fucking gift of the adepti!"
His fists tightened around the two halves of the bouquet, crushing some of the flowers in turn. He didn't care.
Seeing you like this, somehow alive, but not here either way, hurt him unbelievably. Again and again, he came back to this room, hoping you'd revert to your state as a mortal being instead of this thing, but you never did. Every time he got his hopes up, he left the hall crushed.
Wanderer knew that he shouldn't - no, couldn't do this to himself any longer. Perhaps it really was time to leave this behind him. To move on. From this room. From you.
Still, even though his mind told him these facts, he wasn't ready to let go of the most positive thing that he had encountered in all hundreds of years of life.
He sent you one last look, before he turned away and left again. He wasn't ready, but perhaps... perhaps it was time to start trying.
Trying to get over you. To stop relentlessly visiting this shell of what you once were.
Wanderer left the hall, closing the door behind him, maybe not only literally but also metaphorically. He stood still for a few seconds, eyes closed, readying himself. Then he took a deep breath and the first step away.
Behind him, a shattering sound tore through the silence of the surroundings.
Immediately he turned around, ready to crash through the door, but stopped with his hand mere millimeters from the door handle. He was frozen in place. Scared.
In these fractions of a second he was filled up to the brim with hope, but with fear hand in hand. Fear that when he opened the door he would be met with the exact same scene he had left moments ago, that all his hope would be crushed and he'd be left even more broken then before.
He just couldn't, for the life of him, bring himself to open the door.
Until more sounds emerged from the room.
Had he had a heart, it would've beaten up to his throat as he slowly pushed the handle down and the door to the inside.
At first, everything looked the same, until his gaze met yours. Sitting on the floor, in the middle of the room, amidst shards and broken fragments, you looked up at him slightly confused.
"Wanderer...?" you asked, your voice quiet and raspy from not being used for months.
He was by your side in an instant, almost crushing you with his embrace. You had to laugh at the sudden impact and at the unexpected force he used to pull you into him.
"Wait... Wait a minute!" you giggled, still disoriented and with a fuzzy mind. "I have no idea what happened. Where am I?"
"I thought I lost you."
Not only his words made you grasp the seriousness of the situation, it were his tears as well, that you noticed quietly dropping on your shoulder. Instinctively you reached up to hug him back and caress the back of his head with your fingers.
"Oh..." At that very instant all the memories of your last conscious moments returned to you, alongside all the emotions you had felt. For a second you were absolutely overwhelmed. Then you pulled him even closer to you, gently pushing his head into the crook of your neck. Tears pooled in your eyes as well. "I thought I broke my promise to you."
Wanderer pulled back from the embrace, but only so much that he could press his lips on yours and finally caught you in the kiss he had craved for the last months. Still weak from your time caged in crystal, you soon needed to separate for air.
His expression told you how much he had suffered and your heart almost broke for him. You had never wanted to put him through something like that. With your thumbs, you wiped away the tears that were still present on his cheeks.
"You didn't break your promise," Wanderer said after a while of just staring at each other. You had to crack a smile at that.
Pulling his face close, you kissed him again. His hands wandered from your back over your whole body, grasping and grabbing at you, as if to make sure you were really here, in flesh and blood.
When you inevitably had to separated again, he couldn't stop staring at you, to ensure he was not dreaming.
His gaze got caught on the scars, both of them, the one on your neck and the one on your side, with colours contrasting your skin harshly. They'd never go away. You'd always carry them, for the rest of your life. The guilt he was wearing felt as heavy as a whole nation to him - the guilt of you almost dying, twice, because of him.
As always, it was as if you could read his mind just by following his glances.
"Don't," you told him while pulling him closer again. "I forgive you."
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❊
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A/N:
It is finally done and I am so sad because I am just not ready to let go of these two. I just loved writing their interactions, their constant 'one step forward - two steps back' and all their emotional moments. All of this meant a lot to me as well.
You guys have no idea how long I contemplated whether I want to let the reader die or not - but in the end I thought of what I would want as a reader, and I'd definitely want a happy ending. :)
I hope you enjoyed my choice.
As for you, dear reader, I have to give you some words of thanks:
Thank you so, so much for reading my story this far, for going through this roller coaster and hopefully enjoying it as much as I enjoyed writing it! ♥️
Thank you for every single vote and comment, those truly mean the world to me and keep me going! ♥️ (Even in the form of insults over my cruel plot twists :D) Love ya all! ♥️