warnings: sexual content, angst/mental health issues (hurt/comfort)
(I promise I'll stop someday, thanks for being here <3)
February 4, 2016
Put up a fight you believe to be right
And someday the sun will shine through
You've always got something to hide
Something you just can't tell
⋆ ˚ ° ° ˚⋆
"Hello?" I called inside, hanging the keys on the wall. "I'm here!"
There was no response, so I started unloading the food on the kitchen table before searching for pots and pans in the cupboards of my parents' house.
I turned on the small oven, humming some sixties tune while I moved along. Slowly, the pleasant aroma started filling the room, which was perhaps what attracted my dad from wherever he had been hiding, behind all the plants my mother liked to "save".
"You're still here?"
I jumped at the voice, pausing in the middle of cutting onions. I looked up at him, where he was standing on the kitchen threshold.
"I didn't hear you coming."
"I was outside," Dad offered me a smile, leaning his elbows on the back of a chair.
"I didn't think it'd be raining so much today," I said lowly, focused on not cutting off one of my fingers.
My hair was still wet, and my socks were too.
"You broke up with Alex, haven't you?" he ignored my attempt at a weather chat, crossing the small room to wash his hands.
I turned around to face him. Before I could even get a word out of my mouth, we were both startled at the sound of the front door opening, followed by a curse and what sounded like an elephant crossing the room. A second after, Sophie appeared with two suitcases and sunglasses larger than my forehead.
"Hi, losers!"
The knife clattered to the counter. I grinned back, squealing when she dropped her luggage to come and hug me. I was sure I heard my dad sigh in the background.
"Well? You broke up with him too?"
"With Alan?" Sophie pulled away from me swiftly, looking at our dad with furrowed brows. "No! Why would I?"
As a response, Dad only nodded in my direction.
Sophie's eyes widened, and her smile dropped. "Marianne, no!"
"We–no! No, we didn't break up! Why would we–"
"You didn't?"
I couldn't help but laugh nervously, eyes darting between the two.
"I'm very much in a relationship with Alex at the moment. There's no reason why I'd leave him, trust me."
"Yeah, you better be," Sophie scoffed, taking off her sunglasses and her white jacket.
I went on cooking, acting as if her last words didn't make me feel a bit warmer inside. She'd accepted us–too much, perhaps.
Even though my sister started blabbering about her difficult relationship with Canada–she was very much in love with her boyfriend Alan too–I could see my dad sending me glances. Mostly worried ones.
I kept on chopping up the onions, thinking about the last book I'd read to avoid blushing under all of this attention.
Even later on, while we all gathered for supper, the conversation wasn't over.
"I haven't been home in forever," I told my mum, shrugging. "I just wanted to spend time here with you, is all."
"Alex could have come too," she said. "He's welcome here anytime, you know that."
I bit down on my lip, picking at the skin above my brow. "He has tons and interviews and stuff. We'll reschedule a visit together in the future. It's fine."
"I hope so," Dad added, sharing a look with Sophie.
"Are you saying my presence here is bothering you?"
He let out one of these honest laughs I rarely heard coming from him. Most of the time, I was the one provoking them. It was one of my own little moments of pride. And I hadn't felt very proud in the past few days.
Mum laughed too, and they decided that I was pretty convincing enough to let me breathe.
The living room was completely dark when we all started to fall asleep, the lights of the TV lighting each of our faces. I was lying on my mum's lap, my cheek warm from being squished against her jeans for so long. My dad had been softly snoring for a while too, his head rolled back in an uncomfortable-looking position. Sophie was the only one in bed, too exhausted by jet lag.
"See you tomorrow," I whispered to whoever was listening, groggily standing up.
The walk to my room was silent.
It was only after I'd brushed my teeth and prepared to go to bed, my body wrapped under the covers, that I started a video call with Alex. My heart was pumping in my chest, a certain sense of discomfort drying my mouth.
When he picked up, my mouth instantly curled up. He was wearing a tee shirt with some red designs, his hair shorter than before. I wanted to poke his nose and make him sigh, kiss his face and ask if he wanted to know a random fact I'd learned.
What the hell was I even doing here without him?
"Hey," Alex breathed with a smirk.
I was grinning by now, relaxing with every second.
You haven't done anything bad. You have your own reasons.
"Hey."
"I miss you," he said.
"God, I miss you too. Sorry I haven't called earlier."
"It's alright."
We smiled in silence for a few seconds, happy to just see each other after these days.
"How's Sophie doing?" Alex finally asked, moving around the room.
I heard the familiar crinkle of a pack of cigarettes and the flick of his lighter.
"Well, she's pretty sad and all. I don't think that's completely over, though," I lied.
Her bright and happy face flashing before my eyes contrasted with the lie I'd just told him–that she and her boyfriend had tragically broken up a week prior.
"My offer to come still stands," Alex said. "I can just pack a bag and be with you in a few hours."
I sighed, watching him take a long drag. This hole in my chest from missing him so much hadn't been in my plans. I'd planned everything with his help, but not the emotional part.
"As much as the idea of you dropping everything just to come out here comforts me, I'd never ask you to do that. You have more important things to do."
"Nothing is more important than you, baby."
I turned around in bed, keeping my gaze on him not to miss a second of his face.
Alex took another puff. "I grabbed two plates when I set the table. Fucking depressing."
I let out a small, sad chuckle. "I'll be back soon, Alex. I promise."
"When?"
"Wednesday, maybe."
"When's the exhibition again?"
I cleared my throat, ignoring the weird feeling in my chest again.
"Thursday."
"The timing seems a bit short, don't you think?" Alex asked cautiously, shooting me a look as he settled on the settee.
"Everything's under control."
The angel on my right shoulder laughed with the devil on my left.
"I'm here if you need me."
"I know," I gave him a smaller smile, but as sincere.
The next minutes were spent sharing our respective days. While he talked to me about the meetings he'd had and the songs he'd like to sing in future studio sessions, I listened thoroughly and asked questions, just like he did for me. He even told me some of the late gossip he'd caught on, making me gasp and laugh. I asked if he was joking, to which he only shrugged, silently saying 'believe me or not'.
All through the story, he raised a slice of pizza to his mouth, lowering it each time he remembered a detail.
Not wanting to let him starve, I decided to let him eat. I knew he'd rather have been in bed than on the settee, eating a pizza by himself so late.
"I'll call you tomorrow, okay? I think I'll go and sleep in the room next door."
Alex's tired eyes looked up from the pizza.
"Okay. Be safe, alright?"
"You too. I love you, Al."
His smile made me fall in love all over again. I hadn't called him that in... ever, actually.
"I love you more. I'll come and get you at the station."
I let out a big breath as soon as I turned off my phone, hiding my face behind my palms. Lying all the time was exhausting. But I had no choice. I really had no choice. It would be the last time anyway. And what meant a tiny lie piled up on so many others?
The day after Luke threatened me and told me he was going to be a father, I completely freaked out. I freaked out when I come home that evening, but the next day was terrible. I couldn't hide it anymore. I'd walked for about five minutes before my feet came to a complete halt in the middle of the street, panic seeping through me as the words Luke and Alma repeated over and over in my mind.
Because it meant that my instinct had been right, and all the little thoughts anxiety created in my mind were true, too. People on the street, everyone, looked at my weird steps in the street. That guy at the theatre two years ago still remembered me tripping down the stairs.
I was under the spotlight, yet far from being a star. Everyone saw everything about me.
I'd been petrified, and immediately turned on my heels to go home. It hadn't really helped, since I'd paced in each room all day long. When Alex had been back from Miles', I'd panicked and the first words that had come to my mind were Sophie needs me. Truth was, I needed her. Maybe it was my instinct again, or some sense of sisterly help I craved.
Alex had given me a long and silent look, but he'd nodded and taken me in his arms with a sigh.
While trying to focus on myself so hard, I'd grown hateful of being dependent on someone. That was my biggest problem. When I'd been with Paul, trying to force myself to fall in love naturally, he'd listened to my worries and offered some help. After a while though, he'd offered someone else's help, a female friend who "knew better about girl issues". I'd thought that was the end: I was only the Weight people mentioned in their texts, asking their friends to hang out so the Weight wouldn't feel bored and trapped in their thoughts at home.
There was no way I'd drag anyone through this with me. Certainly not my bright and happy Alex. I'd deal with Luke by myself.
And so came the story of my sister's breakup, of her needing me at my parents' house. My parents, too, had asked me to come there–or how could I have convinced Alex I had no choice but to go?
Alex, being the kindest soul I knew, helped me pack my bags in no time, booking a train ticket all at the same time. An hour later, he left me at the station like a single parent leaving their child for the first time, waving at me with a sorrowful look that had broken my heart.
I had so many regrets, but I needed to avoid Luke for a few days and try to take control of my own body and mind. The mere thought of stepping into my office made me shake. Each time I thought about the computer or any object reminding me of this place, my heart thudded and my limbs crystallised.
I couldn't.
Telling Alex about the way Luke terrorised me was impossible. And what if he beat him up? What about the exhibition?
Well, Luke might be replaced by someone else.
But it was too late. Everything was too late, and I had no choice but to face up to this bullshit.
"Soph?" I whispered, shutting her door behind me and shuffling toward her bed.
"Here."
I rolled my eyes in the dark, dreading for a second that I was going to hit a piece of furniture on the way. "Where else would you be?"
I finally felt the bed in front of me and climbed on it, crawling until I slipped beneath the covers. The silence was heavy, and I knew she knew.
"What happened? You've been touching your face all evening long. If I were your mother, I'd think you're on drugs."
"Oh. You've got something?"
"I'm not joking. Tell me."
"You're not funny," I tilted my head to look at her shape through the darkness. "Alex and I are good. Very good, actually. I just– you remember Luke?"
She cut me off with a signature snort of hers. "I barely remember what we ate earlier."
"That's really kind, thanks. I'll cook for you more often then," I replied sarcastically, pulling the covers higher.
Her laugh made me laugh too. She kicked me on the leg by accident, and I laughed harder, kicking back. Had I done that centuries ago, they would have thought I was hysterical. Laughing like that just helped in releasing the tension trapped in my body.
"Fucking stop," Sophie whisper-shouted, a weak laugh escaping. "I hate when you do that."
"Touch you with my cold feet?"
"Avoid your issues like the plague."
To prove I wasn't like that, I told her everything about Luke, more seriously. So when I was done and she didn't say anything, I started to judge if I hadn't been too forward.
"So..." Sophie muttered after a long pause, "you're here 'cause you don't wanna go back to work, and you're afraid Luke is gonna do something. You told Alex I broke up with Alan so you had a reason to escape and come here. You–have you even called in sick for the week?"
"I did. They'd defend Luke anyway."
"What could he do to you?"
"Ask Satan. He's just so... there's something in his eyes, y'know? When he looks at me–it's like he wants to devour and burn me at the same time. And I feel–I feel so terrified, and it's making me so angry too. I dunno if I'd either kill him or run away. I want to go back, though. I want to prove I'm not a coward, but it's like my body is paralysed every time I think about it."
My sister hummed in response. Our low breaths were the only sounds in the room.
I wanted a hug from Alex so badly. He was the only person in the world who could provide me with this complete feeling of comforting and safe love.
"What can I do, bubs?" Sophie sounded closer, or maybe she was just louder, more determined.
"Just give me a hug."
"Let me come to your exhibition stuff. You're not fucking Superman. Let me help."
"You don't have to."
"You can't expect me to go back to Canada while my sister is being harassed by some prick. Please."
"You'd hate it."
"I know. But I'd love to see you there."
I sighed. "Okay. If you like."
Her arm slipped around me, and for the first time, I didn't feel like complaining about her touchy-feely nature.
She sucked in a deep breath. "Remember when Jeremy pretended he liked to come to see me at work? Just so he could bang everyone on my floor?"
I cringed. "I wish I'd forgotten."
"I've never been able to go back, bubs. No matter what I told myself, the place was hell itself for me. Just don't be like me, alright? Go back, and I'll come with you if you want me to. But please, don't let him win."
Don't let him win.
She was right. Somehow, this was exactly what pushed me to go back.
All the ride back to London, I thought about what I was going to tell Alex. Lost in my own thoughts, I didn't even care about being under the scrutiny of two girls sitting in front of me on the train, whispering to each other. They probably saw the Alex sticker I'd added behind the screen as a personal joke.
I kept my eyes down on my laptop, pretending to skim through my speech for the exhibition.
I'd probably tell Alex that Sophie was okay after all. That even though I was the most mature–her words–her spirit was stronger, and she'd get better soon. And work? Oh, just a little stressed about the organisation. Also, you're the love of my life, but you can't come there 'cause I've never told you I'm working alongside the worst man on earth I told you so much about. Who's been harassing me for months, yeah. But you love me anyway, don't you?
Dark clouds had just moved in when my eyes opened again, signalling a rare downpour was about to hit the city. Right when I shut my laptop close and stepped outside, Riot Van playing softly in my ears, the sky cracked open.
I found myself standing under the rain, watching everyone hurry away. Cold blasted my face, making me blink a few times. I took the earphones off, acting mechanically and frowning at the taste of blood on my lips. I'd bitten too hard.
"Marianne!"
Alex was barrelling toward me like a bull, like a vision in a film. His grey clothes fit him like they were cut for his body, as casual as they looked.
He scooped me up in his arms, kissed me and wrapped a jacket around my shoulders. I barely had time to process everything, every thought I had threatening to spill out of my mouth.
"I'm here. Let's get you home, yeah?"
My gaze raked him like I was meeting him for the first time. I went rigid just thinking about the lies I had to tell him. It was cruel to think this could even work. Alex was a genius.
He watched me closely, and then he seemed to realise that the rain was heavier. He led me through the station and to his car. One part of me suspected he knew. But once again, it might have been the fake side of my instinct whispering to me.
As soon as I buckled in, his breath warmed my neck. Alex left a kiss on the smooth skin and lifted the bottom of my shirt, up until he revealed my bra. The black lines seemed to be highlighted on my skin, almost brightening.
"You're not scratching it, are you?"
"Promise I'm not," I said, looking down at it. "I'll ask Kat to take a look at it anyway."
That made him chuckle.
"I found a quote about Icarus last night," he said, starting the car. "I'll tell you when I remember where I saved it."
"You know I won't sleep until you find it."
With a smile, Alex leaned in and kissed my lips countless times, my cheek, and my throat.
"Next time, I'm not letting you go alone. Missed you too much."
My pulse sped up as I nodded at him, smiling. So he squeezed my hand, gave me his phone–my face appearing on the lock screen–and told me to take a look at it. He looked so proud that I rushed to unlock it, met with a black screen and a play button.
Alex drove down an empty street while I watched the Bad Habits music video, nearly screaming and crying at the images. It all went so fast, and then my back appeared? Alex was looking at me, and suddenly Miles was smoking the guitar solo. It was perfect. Perfect. Perfect.
A loud crack of thunder rocked the car and it was my turn to lean in, taking his face between my hands and kissing his cheek repeatedly. His laughter filled the car, his eyes filled with glee. It made me so proud.
Later that night, this happiness radiating off him hadn't weakened. There he was on top of me, the strands of his hair I loved so much sticking to his forehead, his eyes closed and his lips parted.
"Oh, baby," his voice rumbled in his chest, filling my head with even dirtier thoughts.
Alex dropped his forehead against mine, his scent filling my nose as his thrusts turned harsher. His fingers intertwined with mine, my right hand on his cheek.
"If that's–shit, if that's what I get from being missed," I slowly grinned, my arms winding around his shoulders, "I'll have to leave more often."
He huffed a pained laugh. "Fuck, no. I'm bored to death without you. We're sticking together."
I hummed in delight, a quiet moan escaping my lips when he hit a certain spot. Shamelessly, an arrogant smile spread on his face as his hips slowed and fastened again, leaving me out of breath and panting.
"Oh, shit," I murmured, embracing the feeling and the vision of stars exploding behind my eyes.
"You needed that for tomorrow, didn't you? You'll feel me everywhere when you make that speech of yours."
I shut my eyes close, biting down hard on my lip to try to think about something else. Don't talk about tomorrow. Just let me enjoy the praise and dirty talk. Don't.
"Come on, baby," Alex encouraged, pulling my face to him and crashing our lips together. "You'll look gorgeous up there. My smart girl in front of everyone. Fucking gorgeous."
"Alex..."
It barely came out as a whisper because of the pressure in my throat.
I was feeling more and more uncomfortable, my heart thumping in my chest just like when I had to make a presentation in front of everyone. Just like I would feel tomorrow. A cold spear of dread moved through me.
Stop fucking thinking about Luke, what's wrong with you?
The nights had gotten worse lately, especially when I'd slept at my parents'. I'd dreamt that our house in LA was on fire, waking up in the middle of the night covered in sweat, feeling more exhausted one night after the other. I hadn't told anyone, but it wasn't something I could hide.
Above me, Alex dug his fingers into my hips and held me steady for him.
"And I'll fuck you again when you're done speaking, baby. Anywhere you want. Any way you want."
An image of a stage flashed before my eyes, with Luke on my right and Alex on my left. Both men were glaring at each other, ignoring the audience, and I was right in the middle when they ran at each other.
"Alex," I said a little louder this time, but his mind was somewhere else, his mouth moving down my neck. "Slow down."
Ignoring the discomfort turned useless. My arms felt tingly and my hands were numb. My hearing was muffled too, so I wasn't even sure if I was truly speaking or just thinking. I let out a painful whimper before I could stop it, shifting under him.
"Alex, please," I was trying so hard not to freak out, but it wasn't long until I was trying to push him away, an onslaught of tears squeezing from my eyes. "You're hurting me."
He stopped. He finally stopped, so quickly that he stared down at me blankly, his breath coming out in sharp pants. Pulling out so fast too, when he realised he hadn't. His face was flushed, his lips puffy.
Pushing his weight off of me, he instantly grabbed my wrist before I could run away.
"Shit," Alex breathed, shaking intensely. "I'm sorry, I'm so sorry."
A small sob escaped from my throat. I mumbled that I needed a minute, wrapped the sheet around my body and made my way to the bathroom across the hallway, my legs nearly giving out.
I pressed my fingers to my burning nose and all over my face when I was inside the other room, exhaling as I became aware of my own sense of touch. I was real. I was home. I was okay.
My reflection in the mirror seemed pretty real too. Lolling my head back, I tried to capture air in my lungs, pacing around. There was still the sight of Luke's face in the back of my mind, threatening everything.
Oh, God.
A few minutes later, when I realised that Alex was waiting for me and probably freaking out too, I opened the door with trembling fingers.
I just went blindly, panting and looking at everything and nothing at the same time. I wasn't mad at him, knowing he meant it when he said he was sorry. I was mad at myself for allowing Luke to break into our intimate moments, even when I obviously didn't mean to.
He was pushing a hand through his hair when I came back. Straightening his back, he shifted on the bed and creating some distance between us.
"I'm so sorry I hurt you," Alex's voice sounded more even panicked than me. He swallowed, looking for his words as his eyes searched for mine. "I didn't— Fuck. I didn't mean— I'm so sorry. So sorry."
My eyes fogged. "I know."
I sat next to him and he wrapped his arms around me, looking for forgiveness he didn't need to ask for.
And then, quickly, he cupped my face between his hands, his eyes drifting between mine. Trying to get me back somewhere real.
"Marianne, baby, look at me."
I shook my head sharply from side to side, so fucking ashamed.
"I keep fucking everything up."
"It doesn't matter," Alex said softly. "It's alright, okay? It's alright."
I sucked in a big breath and gazed at him through hazy eyes. My real love.
My hand brushed against my breasts and my collarbone, soothing myself as he sat against the headboard.
"C'mere. Please."
Shakily, I shifted to straddle his thighs. And the first real thought I had was that he was still quite hard. A feeling of guilt washed over me for a second, though I knew it was stupid and he didn't care.
Then, Alex grabbed the tee shirt he'd thrown on the bedside table a few moments before and wiped my forehead with the material, which I realised, was covered with a layer of sweat. All my body was.
"I'm—"
"Don't," Alex sniffled, rubbing my back and pushing my hair out of my face. "Don't apologise, okay? You're alright. There's nothing to apologise for. Especially not you."
I was feeling so drained that speaking felt too much. I had to apologise. How could I make him understand I had to apologise?
My eyes flickered up to his, taking in his appearance. Reddish eyes with a worried look, and his hair still sticking to his forehead and his temples.
His shaky finger slid on my thighs, observing my skin, looking alarmed. "Where did you–where are you hurt? I'm–I'm so fucking sorry. I didn't hear—"
My eyes widened when I realised he was holding back tears too, and I started to cry again. His hand went up to my face, wiping off my tears with his thumb.
"It's not your fault," I managed after a few moments, taking his hand in mine as my voice cracked again. "Oh, baby, it's just me."
His eyebrows slightly frowned, and he blinked a few times, swallowing.
I crashed my chest against his, my nose against his shoulder as he held me against his body. He held on so tight that I thought I would melt into him, the weight of everything crashing down in a final tsunami.
I don't know how much time I spent there, quivering and blaming myself. Minutes that felt like hours, or actual hours, perhaps. All I knew was that the dawning sun had been replaced by the moon, and Alex's head rested sleepily on mine. He kept touching my hair in soothing motions, and I wiped the tears about to reach my lips.
"It's about tomorrow, isn't it?" he asked softly, peppering kisses at the top of my head. "Tell me. Don't act like everything is alright."
I could feel the pain in my body and soul, and deep down in my spirit. It was agonising, playing the cool girl when I was so afraid.
I nodded in response, eyes fixed on the darkness outside.
"It's such a big thing," I muttered, swallowing. "I'm tired."
"You'll be great. You're always great," Alex whispered, a hand sliding on my hip. "You asked me not to come so I wouldn't see how ridiculous you are."
"I meant it."
"You came to see me on set, even when I was in a shitty mood. You support me better than anyone else, love. Let me be here for you, too."
My hands fisted against his stomach, but I forced them to relax, sliding them around his frame instead. His body was still warm, smelling like sweat and faintly like my strawberry perfume.
So guilty and exhausted, I only nodded, earning another kiss on my hair.
"I'll be here for your big day. I'll be here when you're scared. When you succeed too."
I kissed his collarbone, his neck, and clung to him some more. I only moved after a few minutes, needing the night air flowing in and the straight view of the moon.
Slipping on my robe, I padded out of the room and toward the living room. I opened one of the glass doors wide, instantly feeling better.
I'd managed something, somehow. I could lock Luke in a room somewhere and let him go him when everyone's gone, or beg him to leave with money. Anyway, I wouldn't be the one stepping back.
Don't let him win.
"I found the quote," Alex spoke lowly behind me, his phone in hand.
He'd slipped on a pair of boxers. I turned around, my gaze soaking in the tight, lean muscles of his chest. I was so damn horny, and yet I knew there was no way I'd be able to get back to it tonight. It sucked.
"Show me," I said almost sheepishly, plastering a small smile on my dry lips.
Taking a few hesitant steps forward, Alex handed me the screen on which I read,
Never regret thy fall,
O Icarus of the fearless flight,
For the greatest tragedy of them all,
Is never to feel the burning light.
"Try," Alex's voice sounded breathy as he broke the distance between us to kiss my wet cheek, "so you won't regret it."
—
AN: Jeez! The next chapter is the one I've imagined ever since I started writing. I like this one but I don't know? I'm not completely satisfied and it sucks.
That last quote is Oscar Wilde's, and I absolutely love it. Thanks again for being here.
Take care ♡
(last minute note, yes I'm aware that the dates don't make sense at all lmao, accept my apologies!!)