Josh took a deep breath as he stepped off the bus. It was his first day of 7th grade and he was determined to make this year a good one. New school, new me as they say. He wasn't going to let this be elementary school again, no. He was stronger, he had grown, he had changed, he'd even lost weight, and he wasn't going to let the bullies get him down anymore. He had a new best friend. One that didn't expect him to be doing 90% of the work for their relationship for all of the time. Asher wasn't like Harley. Asher really cared about him, he paid attention to the little things, he listened, and he wanted to know about his interests. But his favorite part about being best friends with Asher was that he wasn't just 'Asher's friend' like he'd been 'Harley's friend', he was Josh, his own person with his own personality. He was still good friends with Harley, but he wasn't a best friend. It felt freeing really. So, this was going to be a good year.
His resolve to make this the best year ever only hardened as he walked to his fist class of the day, math. He wasn't excited for it by any means. He was good at math, but he never really liked doing it. Sometimes it was just too easy, and it drove him a little bit nuts. But that only made him want to do it more, because this was going to be the best year ever. Even if he'd had to be in regular class instead of the honors class to make room for band. He didn't like it, but he had really wanted to try percussion, so he was going to deal with it.
Entering the classroom, he could quickly tell that he and the teacher, Mr. Bates, would get along pretty well. The room was covered with Star Wars and Marvel posters, Cut outs, (for lack of a better word) toys, and stickers. He'd always liked the nerdy teachers.
When he saw the seating chart, however, he bit back a groan. Of course, Kade was going to be in this class, and of course they were sitting next to each other. Kade was the kind of person that just tried to get a rise out of him because it was fun. He'd teased him and pulled on his metaphorical pigtails, and it drove him nuts. Especially when he was told that 'boys just do that to people they like' because he didn't do that. It just didn't make sense. He was also both simultaneously a smartass and a dumbass. Those two things didn't seem to correspond, and yet somehow, Kade did both. Why would you do that to someone you like. And beyond that the kid was disgusting. He'd eat anything, and when Josh said anything, he meant it. He'd once seen the boy eat a dead and unidentified bug that he and Harley had found and then another guy dared Kade to eat it. So, he was really quite unhappy about this, but it wouldn't deter him from making this the best year ever.
After the class had gone over the rules of the classroom, the dove into their first lesson. Much to Josh's dismay, he'd already learned this last year. So, he quickly did the worksheet and then pulled out a book to read. Kade finished right after he did. Josh hid a smirk from having finished first. After all it wasn't a competition (but it totally was). But in trying to hide his smirk from the guy he turned to see a boy sitting next to Gabby (a girl from his neighborhood and a sort of friend), was staring at him, but when he noticed that Josh saw him, he looked away and got back to his worksheet. If Josh hadn't seen the guy staring in this general direction just a second ago, he wouldn't have really noticed him. He just looked kind of average. He was kind of short, but a lot of boys hadn't hit their growth spurt yet. He had blonde hair that was just messily hanging off his head. From here, Josh couldn't really tell eye color, but he was across the room, so it made sense. He did have kind of small eyes though. He had tan-ish skin, but where he still looked white. So just kind of average. Looking at the seating chart, he found out the kid's name was Ronan. Apparently the least average thing about him was his name. Satisfied with his new information, he turned back to his book.
Mr. Bates walked over and quickly noticed that both Josh and Kade were done with their worksheets. He looked them over and was pleasantly surprised to see that they'd both gotten 100% on it. "But I did it better right?" Kade asked. Josh glared at him. "You didn't do it better. We both got 100, the same." Josh told him. "You both did great. Maybe you could help me. There's a lot of kids asking for help, and I don't know if I can get to all of them, would you mind helping?" They both looked at each other. "I'll do it." They said at the same time and raced up to help the kids with their hands raised. Josh didn't like it, it meant talking to people he didn't know, it that made him nervous, but he was not going to get shown up by Kade on the first day of class. Josh went over to Gabby. "Hey Josh. What's up?" She said as he walked over. "Mr. Bates asked me and Kade to help some of the people with their hands raised." Josh explained and pointed to her raised hand. "Oh, then could you help me with question 3." She asked. Josh nodded and kneeled in front of the table so that he wasn't standing the whole time. As he explained, he noticed Ronan watching him. Josh figured that he needed the help too, so he made sure to explain how to work through the problem thoroughly and answer all of Gabby's questions. He'd spent so long helping Gabby that it was time to move on when they were done with the problem. He walked back to his desk but had the odd feeling that he was being watched.
The bell rang and he went to his next class, history. Another subject that he didn't much care for. When he entered, the teacher told all the students to stand along the wall. Then Ronan entered. Josh didn't really know why this bothered him, or why his stomach started doing flip flops. For a moment he briefly considered that he had begun to crush on the boy but dropped it just as quickly as it had crossed his mind. He'd had liked a few guys in the past, and girls. He didn't really talk about it with anyone, and no one noticed. But this didn't feel like that. There was a feeling of dread in the back of his mind and a sinking feeling in his stomach. He chose to ignore it. The teacher, Mr. White, explained that he made his sitting chart in alphabetical order. Josh hated alphabetical order because it always screwed him over. His last name was Towne. So, he was sat in the very front left corner. And as if luck was laughing in his face, Ronan's last name was Shephard, and there were no names in between theirs, therefore, on his left, with a small isle in between their desks, sat Ronan, and Josh pretended that he didn't notice that the other boy's eyes kept moving from the board to him.
After that it was time for band class. He was so excited. His excitement didn't fade the whole class. After that was his art class. It was great and Ms. Beck was awesome. It was clear that she loved what she did, and she wanted the students to enjoy the class. She even let them choose where they were going to sit. They'd even started drawing their first piece, and they had totally creative freedom. He'd started drawing a character that he'd created that summer. Lunch wasn't his favorite. The food wasn't very good and none of his friends had the same lunch as him. So, he'd had to eat alone. But this was still going to be the best year ever.
Then it was time for science. Just like his history teacher, he planned to sit them in alphabetical order. And Ronan was in this class too. The feeling of dread found root in his mind and body once again. Luck may have decided that it had pushed Josh far enough and had some pity on him. He was in the back row and the back corner, his favorite spot, and there were two girls in between him and Ronan. They were both taller than Ronan was, meaning that he was safe from his eyes for a while. He'd liked listening to this cooky old science teacher, Mr. Beck. He was funny, and after a disappointing lunch it felt good to laugh. And he didn't think about prying eyes for the rest of class.
After school he made his way back to the bus. Harley waved to him when he got on, and Josh sat down next to him. They talked about their first days back. Apparently, they'd both had a good day. Harley had even made some new friends today. On the way back Josh got a text from Asher asking how his day had been. He talked about how it was good, but then he remembered Ronan. He explained that there was this guy in a few of his classes that had been staring at him. Asher had teased him, saying that maybe the boy was interested in him romantically. Josh said that that was a ridiculous notion, and one that he didn't want to explore.
Gabby popped up over the bus seat from behind the two of them, scaring both Josh and Harley. "So what was with that guy, the one that kept staring at you during math? Do you know him?" She asked. "No. I'd never seen him before today. But maybe he thinks he knows me from somewhere." Josh waved it off. "Weird." Harley said. "Agreed. But it's not like I can make him stop staring. Maybe it's like bullies. If you ignore it long enough it will stop." He shrugged. Neither person looked convinced.
At home, he said hi to his very pregnant mom and dropped his backpack and told her about his first day back. When his sister got home, he was saved from having to talk about his day any further. She wanted all the attention and to recount every little detail about her first day of 6th grade. After that the rest of the night was uneventful.
The next day he made his way back to his math class. It functioned much like the day before. He and Kade competed, Ronan would stare and look away when he got caught, Josh helped some of the other students while biting back groans and eye rolls when they didn't understand or do what he'd explained. The rest of his classes that day were Ronan free. And he was grateful. It meant the feeling of dread that pooled in him left for the rest of the day.
For a few weeks, things didn't change. But then Josh started to notice that Ronan would raise his hand. Josh would help him, but he'd make it take as long as possible. He didn't know if he really needed the help or if he was doing it on purpose, but the feeling of dread and fear that grew bigger every time he got close told him it was probably the second. Then he saw that anytime Kade would try to help, Ronan would put his hand down and start scribbling like he knew what he was doing. Josh could see that Kade knew it was an act, and it drove him nuts. He could see that Kade was trying to figure out what made Ronan want Josh's help more than his own. Josh didn't like it much more, but he counted Kade's frustration an upside to an odd and uncomfortable situation. Then Ronan started asking questions, about him. His favorite color, his favorite food, his family, what he wanted to do when he was older, his favorite books, his favorite anything really. Gabby would occasionally take the opportunity to answer. Especially the first time it happened. Josh had been helping Ronan solve for x when he'd gone "What's your favorite book? It looks like you like to read." Ronan gestured to the book that Josh had in his hands. Josh sat there for a second, too stunned to speak. "He love's Harry Potter." Gabby told the other boy. Josh glared at the girl, who only winked at him. "Yeah, I do." He shrugged. He'd only offered the answers to Ronan's questions to be polite. Then he'd ask 'what about you' and try to move on. He was just trying to be nice. He hadn't actually wanted to get to know the guy.
Summer weather turned to fall as October rolled around. The leaves started changing colors and Halloween decorations started going up everywhere. Josh loved October. It was beautiful, it was easy to breathe, he was going to turn 13, and his baby sister was going to be born sometime this month. It was really exciting. One of the days he walked in there were students buzzing with some weird excitement. He discovered that there was going to be a school dance to celebrate Halloween. And this year with Friday the 13th being in October, how could they resist that perfect date for a spooky Halloween dance. Josh had never believed in the superstition about Friday the 13th. He figured that there was no way a day could be unlucky. Besides that, his dad had been born on a Friday the 13th, and that led to him being born, so he thought it was bogus.
When he got to math that morning, it proceeded as normal. That is, until after class. When he was packing up, he heard Ronan calling his name. He turned to see the other boy standing much closer than he had expected. He jumped back a little, surprised. "Hey Ronan, what's up?"
"I'm sure you heard about the Halloween dance coming up."
"Yeah, I'd heard about that. Sounds interesting." He shrugged. He hadn't actually been interested in going. It didn't sound like his kind of thing. A lot of people in a crowded room with loud music. Yeah, he'd pass. "Well, I was thinking. Maybe if you're not busy that night, would you want to be my date?" He'd sounded so nervous that Josh actually almost felt bad. But it confused him. They were 7th graders. He was 12. Why did they need dates? "I'd have to ask my parents, but they'd probably say no. But if I go, I'd be willing to dance with you." He said. He wanted to take it back. The back of his brain screamed at him, that he shouldn't have done that. That he should have said that he wasn't planning on going at all because his sister might be born, even if it was a lie. "Alright, here. I'll see you there." He said and handed Josh a small rectangular black paper. He stuffed it is his pocket to look at in his next class. Today was a Ronan free day at least. When he sat down in his Current Issues class, he pulled the paper out of his pocket. Expecting some kind of note. It was not a note. It was a ticket, a ticket for the dance. He froze, couldn't think, and he'd forgotten to breath. Only when his lungs screamed at him that he needed air did he remember that he didn't oxygen to live. He stuffed the ticket back into his pocket and tried to silence the screaming in the back of his brain. The feeling of dread that he'd escaped just minutes before returning.
On the bus, he explained what happened with the ticket to Harley and Gabby. "At least you don't have to buy your own ticket." Gabby told him. "I get that your parents won't let you have a date. But he's a nice guy and it took a lot of courage to ask you. I could hear him rehearsing what he was going to say next to me. I'd at least give him the one dance that you promised." She told him. "You don't think the fact that he bought the ticket before he knew if Josh was going to say yes a little weird?" Harley asked. "I'd do it to give myself more confidence. I wouldn't have handed it over until I had a definite answer, but that's just me." Gabby told them. "He's harmless really." She assured. Josh wasn't so sure. "I'll go with you. We can wear our Halloween costumes. And we can bring Asher. Make it fun." Harley told him and put a reassuring hand on his shoulder. Maybe Harley wasn't always the best of friends, but there were times where he really came through, and this was one of them. "Alright, I'll go." Josh conceded and Gabby cheered.
Friday the 13th rolled around, and the more Josh thought about the impending dance the more that dread pooled in his stomach and traveled to his legs and he started bouncing his knee uncontrollably. His mom would ask him where the earthquake was, but he couldn't stop it no matter how hard he tried. Part of him felt like if he ate anything, he would just vomit it up. When he got to history, the lesson was quite boring. Mr. White didn't often have boring lessons, but this was one of them, and he had a hard time keeping his eyes open. He'd been woken up by nightmares of kids laughing in his face and calling him names the night before and had a hard time falling back asleep after that. Ronan took the opportunity to ask more questions. "Are you excited for the dance tonight?"
"I guess, it should be fun. But I doubt the haunted hallway will be very scary. It does have to remain school appropriate after all." He explained. "True, but the dancing could be fun. And seeing everyone's costumes. What are you dressing up as?"
"My friend and I are going as pirates." "What are you going as?" Josh asked. "I'm dressing up as a vampire." He smirked and lifted his arm to cover his face like he had a cape. Josh tried not to laugh but let out a small chuckle, much to his and the teacher's chagrin. In the moment he was able to push the feeling that something was wrong away, because, maybe, he thought, it wouldn't be so bad.
At home, his mom helped him put on the makeup to go with his costume. He wasn't doing anything crazy. But if Jack Sparrow was wearing eyeliner, he didn't see why he couldn't. His mom gushed about how handsome he looked, and he didn't really know what to do when she burst into tears. He did give himself a once over in the mirror. He'd borrow some of his sister's jewelry and he had to say it didn't look half bad. He was wearing on clip on gold hoop earring, a bandana with a skull and bones, a white button up shirt that he'd only buttoned about ¾ of the way, a black vest, a belt that he'd chained some gold necklaces he'd found to, and some black pants that his dad said looked like bell bottoms. He didn't know what those were, but he took his dad's word for it. At first, he'd just put on some tennis shoes, but his sister said it ruined the look. So she gave him some boots. He'd complained about it, that he didn't want to wear shoes that had heels. But his sister said if he was going to wear the jewelry and eyeliner, he might as well go the full way. She her, begrudgingly, changed his shoes.
His dad drove him to pick up his friends. Harley was wearing a similar costume, but his belt was more a sash, and he was wearing a large captain's hat and some different jewelry, but it was clear that they were trying to match, but they looked good separate. Then they went to get Asher. Asher was dressing up with his family this year and chose to wear that costume tonight. He was dressed as Han Solo and he actually looked pretty good. Asher's mom took some pictures of them and then they went over to the school.
When the entered the school, they realized they had ended up there 30 minutes late. "I really thought it said six thirty." Harley told them. Josh and Asher assured Harley that it really was okay. When they walked into the commons, Josh took in the decorations. From left to right, nothing was really grand. They were kind of boring if you asked him, but again, it was a junior high school dance, so he hadn't really expected much. When he looked back to his left, there was a small pirate smiling up at him. His brain took a minute to register who it actually was. "Hi Josh!" Ronan waved at him. "Hi. I thought you were coming as a vampire?" He decided not to mince words. "Oh, yeah. I was going to, but my mom made me come as a pirate instead. Parents, right?"
"Right." He tried to sound normal, but the alarm bells were going off in his brain. The feelings of anxiety and fear that he'd been able to ignore earlier today coming back tenfold. He saw Gabby, wearing what looked like was a supposed to be a biker outfit, seemed to be trying to get his attention. He waved, but she looked worried and tried to wave him over. Harley grabbed Josh's arm and pulled him away, towards the food table. He was introduced to the friends that he had made at the beginning of the year. They seemed like good people and Josh didn't really mind talking to them for a minute. But he couldn't really focus on the conversation. He could feel Ronan standing right by him, watching him. And even Harley. But where he looked happy when staring at Josh, Ronan looked downright furious at where Josh and Harley's arms were linked. Josh wasn't really sure how to feel about that. Gabby found them again. "Josh, I need to talk to you." She said. Then she noticed Ronan standing there. "Hi." She waved. He waved back. "Are you sure you need to talk to Josh right now?" Harley asked. "I'm sure it can wait." Ronan seemed to try to convey a secret message to the girl. "Or you can say it now." One of the guys Harley had introduced him to said. Josh thought it was Kaden, but he wasn't sure. "I guess it can wait." She says but looks urgent. But Josh can't really fathom how he's supposed to get away to hear what she has to tell him.
As Josh listened to Harley's conversation with his friends, he looked around. Ronan stayed right by him the whole time. He saw some people he might consider friends and talked to them for a minute. But all in all, he wouldn't really consider what was happening a 'dance'. There wasn't anyone really dancing. Unless it was announced to be a slow song. Then people would dance. Now Josh wasn't entirely proud of what he did when the first slow song came on, he ran to the bathroom. He knew he had made a promise, and he couldn't avoid it for the whole night, but right now hiding for a second felt easier, safer. Asher came to check on him. "Are you okay?" He asked. "I'm fine." He said. They hadn't been friends for very long, but Asher could read him like a book, and wasn't fooled a bit. He just stood there, arms crossed, waiting for the honest answer. "I don't like dancing." Josh told him. It wasn't a lie; he was just omitting part of the truth. "Did the ticket thing really scare you this much?" He asked. It wasn't judgmental, he just wanted to understand, and he wanted to help. "At the time I just thought it was weird, but right now, I don't know, I just feel sick."
"It's okay to feel scared." He assured. "I just have this really bad feeling."
"Nothing bad is going to happen. I promise. Harley and I won't take our eyes off you."
"Thanks." Josh felt a little bit, but that feeling that he had, that something bad was going to happen, just wouldn't leave him alone.
He went back onto the dance floor and did a bit more mingling. Then one of the student body officers announced that they would be playing the last slow dance of the night, and that would be the end of the dance. Josh hated it, he really did. Ronan came up to him. "Could I have this dance?" He asked. Josh nodded and smiled. Since they were both guys, Josh didn't really know what to do with his hands. But Ronan made the decision by putting his hands on Josh's waist. So he put his arms around the other boy's neck. It was a little awkward. Until this moment he'd never really realized how much taller than Ronan he actually was, but it was quite a bit. But that wasn't the only problem. He just kept staring. He didn't really seem to want to talk, just stare. Ronan's eyes wandered all over his face. Josh came to an unsettling conclusion. He'd never been close enough or paid enough attention to Ronan's face before to notice what color eyes he had, but now he could. They were black. It was like an abyss was staring him straight in the face, and every second he spent under that gaze was another second that anxiety welled up inside him. This felt like the longest three minutes of his life. Then he noticed that Ronan's eyes had landed on his lips. He didn't like that, and the feeling of not liking it only increased when he attempted to stand on his tiptoes and pucker his lips. Josh couldn't think of a way out. His legs wouldn't work, he couldn't run, and Ronan's grip on his back was getting tighter by the second. Josh did the only two things he could think of. He stood on his own tip toes and leaned away. Apparently, Ronan got the message because he touched the heels of his feet back to the ground and almost looked like he was pouting. He was about to let out a sigh of relief until he realized that the dance wasn't over. The song was still going. He wanted to cry. Josh had a pretty good idea of when people's eyes where on him and off him. And he felt the moment that both Asher's and Harley's eyes were off him. Their partners had turned them away. Somehow Ronan knew it too, because that's when his feelings of anxiety and dread were proven right. Ronan's hands started to move further down his waist and back. Every inch his hands moved began to burn. Josh couldn't tell if it was because his hands were hot or if they were cold, but it burned. And he had no idea what to do. Once he felt the first finger touch his butt, he was finally able to speak again. "If your arms are getting tired, we can stop." He hated how sweet the words sounded when they came out, but they did sound sweet. "Oh, sorry." He said and moved his hands back up.
The dance ended and Josh waved goodbye. He grabbed his friends and Josh tried not to run. The dance was over, and yet, his skin still burned. They went to Harley's house and watched a movie, but Josh couldn't focus on it. He didn't comprehend any of it. He could only focus on the burning. When he got home and turned on the shower, it didn't matter the temperature, his skin burned, everywhere. He felt disgusting and he didn't know why. He scrubbed his skin raw to try and get rid of the disgusting and burning feelings, but he couldn't. They wouldn't go away. Neither would the hands. He could still feel hands and he couldn't get rid of it. He finally gave up and crawled into bed. He couldn't fall asleep because his skin burned. He couldn't fathom what had really happened or how it happened. He didn't think anyone had even realized it had happened. Whatever it was. He certainly didn't know. The more he thought about it, the more his skin burned. And when he would try not to think about it, the dirty and disgusting feeling would come back, and the burning would only increase. He could only fight the tears back for so long, and he began to quietly sob.