I'm not scared to face Lexi—in fact, a part of me is looking forward to it. But the anticipation fills me with a jittery energy that makes sleep impossible.
Making my way through the dimly lit Bunker is second nature by now, and I reach the back room of our clinic, which houses most of our books and supplies, without waking anyone up.
Flo leaves detailed vids with lessons for seven of us who want to learn medicine, and I'm right in the middle of a particularly interesting one on how to mix some of the custom medicines that we make in our clinic. The work is intense and absorbing, exactly what I need to take my brain somewhere else.
It's easy to lose track of time down in the Lab, especially when I'm doing something I love. Hours pass as I test and retest chemical reactions and take careful notes on my results. When I finally get to the part of the lesson where I'm making real medicine, my hands are starting to shake from exhaustion.
A soft knock on the open door pulls me out of the spell I've been under.
"You're working on the tincture to purge mold spores from the lung?" Justus asks, peering into my bowl.
"Don't tell me that you're ahead of me in our lessons again."
"I wouldn't say that. My tincture turned to a grayish sludge, and Flo says it's supposed to be a white powder. I have to watch her whole lesson over again."
I give him a smug smile. "Mine looks about right."
"Showoff."
I carefully pour the powder into a vial and label it so that Flo can test its properties later to make sure I've mastered the lesson. Justus helps me wash and put away my equipment. Like we always do, we fall into a rhythm without even having to speak.
"I should get some sleep, but I'm still wired," I admit.
"It's six in the morning—have you been up all night?"
"Guess so. It's almost like time stands still down here."
"Let's get some fresh air before you crash for the day."
I know what Justus is doing. Ever since Day Zero, I've avoided leaving the Lab as much as possible. When I'm down here, I can almost pretend that day was a horrible dream. But when I'm on the surface, the memories come crashing back. Harriet and Justus have definitely noticed, and they've been subtly trying to get me to leave the safety of the Bunker more often.
"I'm not up for this today, Justus. Why don't we listen to some music instead?"
"There's something I want to show you. I've been waiting for the right time, and mornings are best."
I'm curious, but I don't let Justus know that.
"There's another thing. The team got a new vehicle—one that can move easily through traffic if we're ever on the run."
My eyes go wide. "Motorcycle?"
Justus grins. "Maybe."
A very un-Joanlike squeal makes it out of my mouth as I'm flooded with memories of my hair snapping in the wind while the road passes beneath the wheels of a bike.
"I'm driving."
"Duh."
The motorcycle isn't as flashy or fast as the one I gave away months ago in favor of a more practical van. But it's well made, and I can tell from the purr of the engine that it's in excellent shape.
Together, we race through the city, and I avoid the landmarks that trigger my darkest memories. The streets are nearly empty, and I gun it down every decently long stretch of road that we come across.
After an hour or so, Justus directs me toward a part of the city that is vaguely familiar. We stop in front of a 10-story-high office building that I immediately recognize. It's where Nic took me on our first date.
"How do you know about this place?"
"Nic left me a vid before he died," Justus says, his voice low. "It was really painful to watch, but if you want to see it, you can. He also left me a key to the rooftop...he wanted us to have a place where we could be away from the rest of the world if we ever needed to. I didn't know what to expect, but when I saw this place, I loved it. It helped me understand what you saw in Nic, too. There's this hidden part of him that is so different from the front he put on for the rest of the world. I don't want you to lose all your good memories of him, Joan."
My whole body is shaking, but I'm not cold. I let Justus lead me up to the roof, and memories of my first kiss with Nic flood through me. The passion, the pleasure...will I ever know that feeling again?
The roof is as green and lush as I remember it. Sprinkled among the trees and shrubs are little flowering plants that weren't here the last time.
Justus picks a cluster of the tiny yellow flowers and gives it to me. "I planted these. It's milkweed."
"You planted a bunch of weeds? Why?" I ask, even though the tiny flowers are delicate and lovely.
"They're not really weeds. They are actually an incredibly special plant. Monarch butterflies will only lay their eggs on milkweed. And once those eggs hatch, the caterpillars eat the leaves. The catch is that the leaves are poisonous to other animals. If any creature eats a monarch caterpillar, they die."
"Smart," I admit. "Imagine such a tiny, fragile creature being deadly. Gotta respect that."
I peer at the milkweed nearest me, and notice a striped caterpillar steadily devouring a leaf.
"It's impressive," Justus agrees. "But it's also the reason that monarchs are endangered. Because they won't lay their eggs anywhere else."
"So you planted all this milkweed to help save them. That's very on-brand for you."
If Justus is embarrassed by my teasing, he doesn't show it. Instead, he looks up at the sky. I squint, trying to see what he's looking at, when an orange and black butterfly settles next to me, fluttering between the leaves of the milkweed until she finds just the right spot.
"Justus, look!" I breathe, afraid that any noise might frighten her away.
Justus nudges me and points to another plant, and then another and another, as monarchs descend upon Nic's little garden. By the time the sun is fully up and shining, there are dozens fluttering above and between and around us.
"Nic would approve of this," I say quietly.
Justus touches my face, tracing the long, pink scar I got on Day Zero. His fingers are a little rough against my skin, and the sensation makes me shiver. My chest is tight as I fight the urge to be closer to Justus, wishing I could bury myself in his warmth and light until all my memories are burned away.
When we finally leave this little slice of Eden, I know it's the last time I'll ever see it. There are too many sweet and painful memories here to ever come back.
~ ~ ~
After stowing the motorcycle away in an unassuming car park near one of the entrances to the Lab, Justus and I split up so that I can get some rest and he can meet up with his dad to talk about finding a safe house for my parents and Addie.
Reentering the dank gloom of the Lab is comforting. Crew and his team used to roam down here, but Strand has never managed to infiltrate our sanctuary.
Back at the Bunker, only a few people are stirring. But one little ball of energy is already up and moving, practicing his self-defense moves in the Bunker's gym. Mav takes his training very seriously, ready to fight for our revolution. I plan to make sure that never, ever happens.
"Those kicks are powerful!" I exclaim, and Mav's face lights up at my compliment.
"I've been working on my sweep kicks this week. Mason says they're so good that I'm ready to move on to jump kicks."
Nic used to teach the kids how to fight, but since he died, Harriet's boyfriend Mason has taken over the class whenever he can get away from his grueling work schedule.
"Try your sweep kick out on me."
Mav gives me a grin and sweeps his leg faster than I was anticipating. I fall clumsily and then break out laughing. "I pity the enemy who faces you!"
Mav gives me his small hand to help me stand. "You don't look so good, Joan. What's wrong?"
The concern on Mav's face is sadly familiar. I've seen it too many times in the short time he's known me.
"Just tired, buddy. I was in the clinic practicing making medicine."
"Does that mean you're not sad anymore?"
I hesitate, not wanting to lie to him. "I'll always be sad because of the friends we've lost. But I'm doing better."
Mason joins us in the gym and begins a series of stretches. He looks even more tired than I am, and I can't help but worry that he might relapse and use Amp again for an energy boost.
Mav tugs on my hand, not ready to surrender my attention just yet. "I'm going to be on the new Bunker reality vid series."
No. Hell no. Mav is not getting dragged into this mess. Sun must be out of his mind to consider allowing a nine-year-old to put himself in the public eye.
Mav notices my reaction and stares back at me with a stubborn tilt to his head. "Mom says it's okay, so you can't stop me. Sun says we need all the Evolved allies we can get on the show."
"It's supposed to normalize us," Mason pipes up. "Justus, Mav, and Mav's mom are all going to be regulars on the show. Sun says that Evolved need to be able to imagine a world where we all interact like equals."
"He's out of his mind if he thinks bringing Mav into all this is a good idea."
"Jin and Blu will be in the vids too, and there's nothing you can do to stop it!"
Mason smiles warmly at Mav. "Don't worry, bud. Joan hasn't been briefed on the plans yet. No one is going to get in the way of you and your best friends becoming famous."
Mason's clearly teasing, but Mav's face turns serious. "I don't want to be famous. I want to lead the fight, like Joan does. But no one will let me as long as I'm a kid. So, for now I have to find my own ways to fight back. I'm not giving up."
Mav's words warm me inside, like they always do. "You've been the bravest person I know from the day I met you."
Mav's stormy expression relaxes. "You want me to be safe, like mom does. But there is nowhere safe anymore."
Mason winces at Mav's words, and even I can't deny the truth of them. If Mav is determined to help, this is safer than him sneaking around the city with his best friends, spying for our little rebellion. I wonder if Sun knew that Mav needed a purpose, or he'd find one of his own.
"All right, Mav. Not that you needed my permission, but you're right. This is your decision to make and I'm going to support you no matter what."
"I know. You always do," Mav says. "Wanna practice with me and Mason?"
I shake off my fatigue and nod. After all, just like me, Mav has faced all kinds of chaos and tragedy over the past months. But unlike me, he's come out of it all still hoping and fighting.
Maybe it's time to take a page from his book and embrace life again—for however long it lasts. And considering the fact that I'll be face-to-face with a soulless murderer in less than 24 hours, that might not be very long at all.