Serj's curls bounced as he walked, had a thoughtless grin plastered across his face. He was clearly high, his eyes and speech made that obvious. His left hand held a cigarette, smoke trailing from the end, seemingly forgotten about, his cargo pants wrinkled and soaked at the bottom from walking through puddles, and his sneakers even worse.
He was so effortlessly beautiful, even in such a simple moment like this. He had round eyes which always had some sort of gleam in them, unexplainable. His snout was long and came to a point, his freckled face had stubble up to his sideburns. The light always seemed to hit his face just right. As much as I loved to analyze every detail of him, I wished that he was less attractive.
I was so infatuated with the man that the "butterflies" that I was supposed to get where replaced with some sort of hungry animal, trying to claw it's way through my stomach. I felt like throwing up when he even looked in my direction. The worst part was that I felt I was of no romantic interest to him.
We'd shared moments that seemed far past platonic in the past, both while intoxicated. Small intimate kisses, soft caressing of the skin. Whenever I recalled these moments I longed for them to repeat, for him to notice me this way once more. The blanket of intoxication had put us both under a spell— well, more so him.
I felt guilty about my feelings, as he'd been someone I'd known for years. A best friend of sorts. I was the manager/ promoter for the band, I wasn't supposed to be that attached to the frontman. He was supposed to be a friend, maybe a business partner, nothing more. The two of us were closer than close, but I was so hungry for something more. My desperation was pathetic.
Serj and I continued walking down the rain-soaked sidewalk. I was slightly trailed behind him. He hummed some song that must've been stuck in his head, and every few minutes he would glance in my direction, as though he were checking if I was still there.
We arrived at the destination we were headed, one of the few venues that we thought we would have a chance with. Our plan was to talk to whoever ran the place about performing, and if he said no, we would either try to negotiate or move on to another place. System needed to perform more shows, or they were destined to stay a garage band.
Serj looked back at me with an 'I'm not so sure about this' face, and I tried to give him a reassuring smile as he opened the door and stepped inside.
The lighting was dim, almost eery. We knew we were supposed to find the owner of the venue's office, and that we did. We walked down the even darker hallway, which held a room whose door was wide open, a bright yellow hued light illuminating Serj's figure as he led me inside. The bright light inside was a huge contrast from the darkness of outside.
Inside the office, two of the overhead lights occasionally flickered, and inside of them it could be seen that they were riddled with boxelder bugs. The walls were in dire need of a paint job. The lazy few coats of baby blue paint over the old wall paper (which should've been peeled off before painted over) was chipped and turning slightly brown in some spots.
"Close the door behind ya and have a seat," the man who was assumed to be the owner had his legs sitting on the desk, his body leaned the chair back. He didn't look at me but instead eyed Serj. "Call me Calvin, by the way,"
I told him my name, as did Serj. We both sat on the folding chairs stationed across from the plump man sitting before us.
"You guys got a demo?" was the first question he asked.
I immediately worried that Serj had forgotten to bring the tape, but to my surprise he set it down on the desk, sliding it toward the man.
The two continued to converse, and it seemed that I was of no use in the conversation. Every time I tried to pop in, I was ignored. That was fine by me, although technically it was my job to be the one doing the talking.
Despite the disgustingness of the office, I had hope that maybe the actually stage and standing area of the venue would be alright. Not that it mattered so much. The band wanted to play a show, and this was the next best thing after the countless bars they'd played at.
"Look, I'll listen to the tape this evening. I have your number," Calvin pointed to me. "So I'll be able to call if I make up my mind. In the meantime, think about how you plan on promoting the show, because if you can't sell enough tickets, you best believe you won't be performing here again."
It was evident that it was likely that the band would be allowed to perform, but I wondered how hard it would be to get enough people to come.
"Thanks, brother. Hope to get a call from you soon," Serj shook Calvin's hand and stood himself up, reaching for my hand to get me up.
His palms were sweaty, probably from being nervous. He grasped my hand and yanked my arm, so we were both standing, ready to leave.
We both walked out in silence, not speaking until we exited the building. Serj let out a sigh of relief, his body relaxing. "I think we nailed that."
I shrugged. "I dunno, I didn't really talk all that much."
"That's alright. Emotional support. Plus, you were the one who set up the meeting. That in itself was enough," Serj hooked his finger under my chin and raised my head so I was looking at him, instead of the sidewalk. "Now, let's go get shitfaced."
☆
I choked down another shot that Shavo'd mixed, trying to hold it down. It was only a matter of time before the alcohol would start coming back up.
Daron's small, yet oddly cozy apartment absolutely reeked of weed. It was cluttered, but it was homey. The walls were covered in posters, half of them slightly peeling and tattered. He had not one, but three guitars lined up against the wall in the living room. Next to those was a shelf crammed full of cds.
The couch which I sat on had a floral print, like one of those sofas you would find comfort in at a funeral home, or perhaps a church center. The smell emitted from the couch, however, was that of maybe a crack house.
I wasn't blaming Daron for the smell. He was just a broke ass kid who couldn't afford any better. The apartment building had extremely low standards, and it wasn't uncommon to find vermin of all sorts in any of the apartments, no matter who resided in them.
Andy sat next to me, his legs spread so far that I was squashed to the end. Serj sat on the floor, his legs sprawled across the shag carpet. Daron and Shavo resided in the kitchen, once again making drinks with whatever was left.
"You look like a drug dealer with the pager hooked on your belt loop," Andy noticed the pager attached to my pants, laughing at me.
"Oh, fuck you," I let out a small laugh. "It's just so I know if the owner of that venue calls me."
"He better," Serj paused, pursing his lips as he often did while he was in thought. "Shavo!" He called into the kitchen.
"Yeah?" Shavo pushed Daron, not even glancing into the living room.
"You gonna make posters? For the show? You can put them in bars n shit, maybe even at the record store." Serj ripped a baggie of pre-rolls out of his pocket, toying with the zip-lock part of it.
"Yeah, was plannin' on handing out flyers too." he poured vodka in a glass, along with some cherry soda. Daron quickly chugged the liquor, gaining a pretend bitch slap from Shavo. "Dickhead!" he whisper- yelled.
☆
Shavo scrawled out the date, the time, and the price below the large graffiti lettered "System of a Down" a atop the paper, which he planned to make photocopies of. I was to go to local bars and wherever else would allow me, to hang them up and hand them out to whoever would take them. We had to sell a minimum of 150 tickets in order for the show to happen, and we were all determined.
"As your manager, I promise we'll get well over 150 tickets sold," I gulped, hoping that I could keep such a promise.
It was just Shavo and I, both sitting at Daron's kitchen counter, making plans. Daron was buried in the sofa, greening out, and Andy was basically mothering him.
Serj stood over me, studying my every move as I scribbled down my plans in my little tattered notepad, worn down by months of abuse.
I almost froze, wanting to make sure he knew I acknowledged his presence, but I was far too nervous. I just continued writing and pretended I had no idea he was there.
The truth was that I could smell his cologne, which he sometimes wore too much of, and that was always a dead giveaway whenever he was near me. I didn't have to look to know.
Sometimes I wished he would just go away.
I loved him, I really did. I loved working with the whole band, I loved being their friend, but their was always a pain in the back of my mind. The un- ignorable feelings I had for that stupidly beautiful man.
☆
It was the morning after I'd been at Daron's home, and I was going from place to place putting up the posters that Shavo'd dropped off at my place. I plastered a few outside of one of the more popular bars in town after getting permission from the owner, going out of the way to put one on the telephone pole as well.
Almost anywhere that people would let me, I put
posters.
With an 8 dollar admission, all ages access, and the show being on a Friday night, I was sure we'd get the ticket sales we needed at the door.
I went home and got dressed into something slightly nicer, since Serj had invited me to come to his place for a few hours. I wore a black spaghetti strap top, a locket necklace, and a pair of worn down bootcut jeans, which were too long and frayed at the bottom from being stepped on.
The weather was gloomy, as it had been for almost a week. The sky was always a grey-ish pale blue. It was constantly raining on and off, and always a chill in the air. I paid no mind, though. That, for some reason, was the most comforting type of weather. It helped me sleep at night, the sound of the pattering rain on the windows.
I drove myself to Serj's place, and having memorized his apartment number, I headed straight up to it. I knocked, expecting Serj to almost instantly open the door, but was surprised with the sound of him yelling, "Uh, shit- be right there!"
I was greeted with an almost naked Serj, him only having a towel covering his lower body. I found myself skimming his body, but didn't dare go lower than his chest. My eyes darted away, my stomach pinching.
"Sorry, man. Just got outa the shower," he laughed to ease the tension. It really didn't help.
I felt like I was choking on air.
He gripped my shoulder and pulled me inside, instructing me to sit wherever while he got dressed. My heart was pounding, my face felt flushed. I hated the way he made me feel.
I helped myself to opening his patio door and smoking a cigarette to ease my nerves. I knew that my dependency on smoking just to calm myself wasn't healthy, but in this moment I didn't care.
I leaned over the railing and inhaled, my head was fuzzy.
"You alright, hon?" I jumped at the sudden speech of Serj from behind me.
He called me a pet name, jesus christ.
"I'm... Yeah, I'm fine," I replied, sort of dumbfounded.
He leaned next to me and took the cigarette from between my lips, taking a drag and holding it back up to my mouth.
I didn't know why things between us were so awkward in that moment.
"Why don't we smoke a joint, hmph?" Serj cocked his head and licked his lips. He pulled the deck chair which had previously been sitting against the edge of the patio up to his ass so he could sit, motioning for me to do the same.
Once we were both sat he pulled out a ziplock bag from inside his pants pocket, which couldn't have been there before he changed, meaning he planned this. It encased two pre rolled joints, sloppy, but enticing nonetheless.
Serj lit one, taking a hit and passing it to me. I only took two hits from the already shrinking joint, my body already feeling the affects. My body felt lighter and looser, my brain processing my movements slower.
"Wanna try something?" Serj asked, quickly taking the joint back for himself, not waiting for me to pass it.
"I.. I guess?" I hadn't a clue what his plan was.
"Alright, close your eyes." He almost sounded demanding.
I was hesitant, still very much confused and almost a little wary, but closed my eyes. I waited for something to happen, almost dreading whatever it was.
"Okay, now open your mouth."
I quickly opened my eyes. "What the fuck? What are you doing?" I awkwardly laughed, flustered.
Serj laughed with me, rolling his eyes. "You'll be fine, just do it."
I sighed but listened, slowly closing my eyes and hesitantly parted my lips. What I didn't expect was Serj's warm fingers touching my cheek, pulling me in closer.
It wasn't until I felt Serj's lips brush mine that I began internally panicking. The quick thought of connecting our lips rushed through my mind, but was quickly shaken away.
Out of anything I expected, this was on the bottom of my list. My body was tense, unsure what exactly to expect.
It wasn't until Serj moved closer and exhaled the rest of his smoke from his lungs into my mouth that I began to relax, my body much less tense. I inhaled the smoke and lazily peered my eyes open, droopy and slow.
"You're so stupid," I lightly punched Serj's shoulder, earning one of those stupid grins from him. "You know you could've just told me we were shotgunning..."
"Wanted to keep you guessing." He gave me a playful wink and a lopsided grin.
-
{expect an update soon! i have a chapter already in the making, it just needs some heavy editing}