The restaurant Kuya and Ate chose was packed. The only remaining tables were apart from each other, so magkasama kami ni Graham at magkasama, siyempre, ang Kuya ko pati si Ate.
"Order anything you want," Kuya told Graham and me before he sat in front of ate Maya.
I nodded and looked at the menu while the waiter was waiting near the table. A variety of sweets was on its last page, and the one that caught my attention the most was the creme brulee. It's my favorite dessert, after all.
"One order of creme brulee," I told the waiter before handing him the menu. Then, Graham told the waiter what he wanted. "Chocolate mousse."
Tumango ang waiter at umalis na. Tinignan ko si Kuya at Ate na ngayon ay umo-order na rin ng pagkain nila.
"Gray."
I didn't want to talk about his brother here, there were other people and it wasn't the most convenient place to share something private.
"When did you begin to like me?"
So, I stuck with talking about his feelings.
"Simula no'ng..." he tried to remember as I looked at him straight.
Guwapo nito, nakakainis.
"Nagkita tayo sa cafe sa España, no'ng nag-share tayo ng table dahil wala ka na mahanap pagdating mo."
Ngumuso ako. "Bakit no'n?"
He scratched his nape, looking like he was shy to admit why. I got more interested, so I put my elbows on the table and waited.
"You drank very loudly. You know, your coffee, you drank very loudly. Pet peeve ko 'yon, 'yong pagsipsip ng maingay," tumango ako kahit hindi nage-gets kung bakit nasama 'yon sa usapan.
"Okay, what does that have to do with you liking me?" I questioned. "Pet peeve ko 'yon, pero no'ng ikaw 'yong gumagawa no'n, I didn't mind."
Automatically, umiwas ako ng tingin at ngumiti. "That's so silly," I whispered, but he heard me.
"I know, but I knew I liked you then because of that. Hindi kasi ako 'yong tipong mananatili kapag gano'n ang kasama ko sa isang table, kaya kahit mga kaibigan ko ay tahimik kumain."
Pakiramdam ko ay espesiyal ako sa sinasabi nito. He didn't mind that I was sipping my coffee loudly. He didn't mind. It was silly and even funny to think about, but that was what made him realize he liked me.
Ang cute isipin o siguro ganito lang ako dahil sa nararamdaman ko para sa kaniya.
"It's not that I'm tolerating you, it's that I'm fine, like, it's okay for me that you sip so loudly. It's... okay. There's no irk. Walang inis o ano which was unusual no'ng na-realize ko. Kaya... naisip ko na baka gusto kita. Kaya ako mayro'ng longer patience and understanding para sa 'yo dahil gusto kita."
Oh, yeah, I'm definitely special.
I grinned at him and nodded.
"You make it sound like I was so hard to be with before you liked me," I teased him which he agreed to.
"Oo... inaamin ko, 'di kita gusto no'ng una talaga. Na-explain ko naman na sa 'yo kung bakit. Hindi rin naman mabilis na nawala 'yon, kalaunan na lang dahil alam kong mali ako. Mali na magalit ako sa 'yo at maging inconsiderate dahil lang sa mga prinsipyo ko."
"Ano ba 'yang mga prinsipyo na 'yan? Explain mo na sa akin ngayon," I told him.
Graham was... calm while telling me what I wanted to hear. Even low, humble. Halatang mayro'n siyang pinaghuhugutan ng mga paniniwala niya, at alam na alam ko na kung ano 'yon. But I let him admit it to me.
Ayaw niya raw makipag-ugnayan sa mga may kaya noon, ayaw niyang makipagkaibigan o makipagkilala masiyado. But he eventually realized it was inevitable. Para daw kasing hindi pa nakararanas ng paghihirap ang mga taong mayaman.
Pero nalaman niya rin na mali siya. Kung ano-ano ang kinuwento niya, mula sa estado ng nanay niya hanggang sa socio-political landscape ng bansa.
Nagsimula raw siyang magalit sa judicial system pagkatapos mamatay ng Kuya niya, which was years ago, grade eight pa lang siya no'n. Ayon sa kaniya, ang huling pagkikita nila ay isang pagkakataon na hindi niya malilimutan. Birthday niya raw kasi 'yon, tapos maayos naman daw 'yong itsura ng Kuya niya. Hindi naman binubugbog—at least that's what he thought—o minamaltrato.
It was weird when I thought about death.
You really... aren't prepared for it. My mother was also doing well before she died. We all thought she had healed from her cancer because she had already gone through multiple operations to remove what had to be removed from her breasts. But then, one day, she didn't wake up anymore. The doctor said the cancer had spread again, it was something they didn't anticipate. My father quickly understood—probably because he was a doctor and he knew the human body—but my brothers and me? It was a long before we could even grasp the idea.
So, it's really tough to think about death.
It's like you constantly think about it without even knowing when it is.
It's a constant what-if, yet a constant what-if too.
What if you die when you eat?
And, what if you had gone on that trip you were postponing?
What if you stop breathing while swimming?
And, what if you made the most of yesterday?
Graham and I didn't only talk about him because he'd always, always, ask about my thoughts on what he said. It was nice. It wasn't a draining conversation, in fact, it was energizing.
"No'ng una, I..." scoffing, I continued, "got angry for a bit at the guards and policemen after hearing that discussion."
Kinuwento ko sa kaniya ang isang lecture ng Econ prof namin tungkol sa poverty ng mga magsasaka.
"I know I was being unreasonable. Para kasing sinalamin nila 'yong current life ng mga taong may kapangyarihan, e. Tumatawa lang kahit na may kakayahan namang gumalaw para sa mga nahihirapan."
"How did you remove that thought from your head? Sino'ng nagtama sa 'yo?" he finished his dessert already.
"Lara, she told me those people were just doing their jobs. Pero unti-unti na kasi akong nagagalit no'n sa... mga taong mapagsamantala sa gobyerno. Bakit kasi hindi nila hinaharap 'yong mga taong nagde-demand ng hustisya o karapatan sa labas ng DOJ? Ang unfair lang na mukhang maayos 'yong mga guwardiya at pulis habang nahihirapan 'yong mga protestors."
"Lara's right, though, those people were just following orders. Trabaho nilang magbantay lang sa gate ng DOJ at huwag na huwag mag-engage sa mga protestors."
"I know... I know... Alam kong trabaho nila 'yon."
"Akala ko noon, wala kang pakialam sa politika," I glanced at my empty plate. "Wala naman talaga, nitong nakakita lang ako ng... mga mabibigat na situwasyon. No'ng nagsimula lang akong mag-aral ng mga problema ng bansa."
Tinignan ko siya at nakitang pagod na ang mga mata niya. Namumungay na.
"Tulog ka agad pag-uwi mo, bukas ka na mag-drawing." Utos ko. "Kailangan kong tapusin 'yong pagre-review ko mamaya, e, pa'no 'yan?"
Tumaas ang kilay ko. "Exam week n'yo na ba?" umiling siya. "But we have a quiz tomorrow for a subject, and the lesson about it is hard. So, I have to review again later tonight."
Although I wanted my request to be bowed upon, I understood his choice. Ganito talaga sa college, hindi maiiwasang hindi magpuyat, lalo na kung sabay-sabay na may ibibigay na gawain.
"Okay, then I'll stay up with you," I said before drinking water. "'Wag, matulog ka na lang kapag nakauwi ka na. Chat mo ako."
"I'll stay up with you na lang, may gagawin din kasi akong activity, e." I thought of later.
Baka maging productive ako sa paggawa ko dahil may kasama akong mag-aral. 'Yon lang naman ang kailangan ko, e. I've studied with Graham before, during the time that I shared a table with him in the cafe I often went to in España.
Tumayo kami para pumunta na sa sasakyan at umuwi. Graham and I didn't talk during the ride home, but I wanted to hold his hand. I don't know why I had that urge, but I just did.
So, as his hand was resting between his thighs, I quietly put my hand on top of his. His head moved instantly to look at me, then I gave him a cheeky smile. He didn't remove my hand from his, he just held it too.
Pagdating ko sa condo, Kuya went down from the car and walked me inside the lobby.
"Bakit kayo magkasama kanina? Tinuruan ka ba niya mag-commute kanina?" umiling ako sa tanong ni Kuya.
"We ate dinner together," hands in his pocket, Kuya stared at me. "What? Was that a date and he was walking you home?"
"No, we just date dinner together."
"Bakit ba kayo magkasamang kumain in the first place?"
I looked at the employee of the condo looking at us and listening. Nakahihiya namang mag-explain dito, may chismoso na malapit.
"He came to... see me, Kuya."
Kumunot ang noo ni Kuya at nagpakita ng natatawang itsura sa akin.
"E 'di, date nga 'yon."
"Hindi nga."
"Bebe, he came to see you, then ate dinner with you. What else is that supposed to be? Unless friends lang kayo at planado 'yong pag-kain n'yo ng dinner. But as far as I know, Lara and the two guys are your only friends here."
I couldn't answer back because Kuya was right.
That dinner did seem like a date. I was merely denying.
Pero ako 'yong nag-aya, so I asked him out?
I refuse!
"Basta, hindi, Kuya. Sige na, bye na, ingat."
I hugged him for a few moments and went to the elevator to go to my unit already.
When I took a bath and then laid down on my bed while waiting for the mango's reply, I drifted to sleep.
Paggising ko, may isang missed call ako kay Graham. I apologized and told him we should virtually study together tonight instead. Nag-agree naman siya, sabi niya pa ay kumain kami ulit ng dinner together. Tumanggi ako at pinaalala sa kaniyang sayang ang pamasahe.
Smiling like I had an uno in every subject, Lara was curiously looking at me pagkakita namin sa school. I removed my happy aura and replaced it with my usual one.
"What's with the happy face, Dani?" she asked as she put her phone in her bag. Kararating niya lang sa classroom.
"A funny video," tinago ko rin ang phone ko sa bag ko at pinansin muli ang laptop na mayroong document na nakabukas.
Ngayon ko sinimulan gawin ang dapat kagabi kong gagawin na activity.
"I heard something yesterday," nagtipa na ako at pinakinggan ang kaibigan. "Jaz said Gray went here for you."
I gave Lara a side eye and continued typing, not giving in to her promt. "Dapat kagabi pa kita tatanungin about that, pero hindi ka online. Nakatulog na ako kahihintay sa 'yo."
I read what I typed and typed again. "Why did Gray come for you? Hindi ba madalas tuwing Friday ka lang nagpapaturo?"
Hinarap ko ang kaibigan at nginitian. Her eyes instantly widened even without any explanation from me—as if she already knew the answer to her question. And, she liked the answer.
"Since when?!" exaggeratedly, she asked.
Tinanggal ko ang mga kamay niyang niyugyog ang mga braso ko. "What do you mean since when?"
"Since when ka niya binibisita? Like, since when did you guys start this thing?"
"We don't have a thing."
"Yeah, and the sun sets in the east."
"Wala nga."
Lara pouted, so I had no choice but to tell her.
"I like your cousin, medyo matagal na. Then, yesterday, he came even though we planned to go to William's on Friday next week. Tapos, he looked really down, so I ate dinner with him to talk about why he looked sad. Then, he... told me he likes me."
Looking like a proud mother with her grin, Lara tilted her head.
"I would've never expected he'd fall for you," I shrugged because neither did I.
I mean, you never really think about falling for a person until you've realized you have, right?
"And, you falling for Gray? Seemed... unlikely. But this is nice. Gray's a good guy, so I'm glad it's him you like."
I sighed and continued doing my schoolwork. I even smiled for a moment because Lara was right.
A guy who makes you contemplate, not only about romance but about life and reality was good.
He was good for me.
This was the first time I had been really giddy since I was in Batangas. Who knew Graham was going to be the reason for it? Who knew the guy who forcibly took me home to keep me safe and keep his secret would be the reason?
"Why are you here again?" saad ko sa Thomasian na kahapon ay kasama kong kumain ng dinner. "Dapat umuwi ka na lang, e, para magawa mo 'yong plates mo," dagdag ko.
"E, gusto kita makita, e, bakit ba?" with a playful tone, he spoke. I scoffed and smiled.
He came closer. "Donut?" alok ko.
Tumango siyang nakangisi. I took his hand and led him to P. Donuts. But when we got there, the line was long, as usual. I glanced at Graham.
"You want to try Krispy Kreme? They have delicious donuts too," I suggested while looking at RobMan. "Okay, saan ba 'yon?"
I pointed to the mall and he looked at it. "Sige, tara," we walked and waited to cross the street.
I lifted my palm and made the cars stop for us to walk. Graham followed me inside the mall. Since nasa Pedro Gil side kami kanina, malayo-layo ang nilakad namin para makarating sa Krispy Kreme.
"What do you want?" I asked Graham while taking my wallet from my bag. "Alin ang masarap?"
"The Cookies and Kreme one is good, as well as the Caramel Crunch. If you want the basic, then the Glazed one."
I walked to look for an empty table, and sakto na may libre sa dulo ng donut shop.
"Upo ka na, I'll order for us na lang. Which one do you want?" sabi ko habang kumukuha ng isang bill sa pitaka.
"Cookies and Kreme, tapos isang Glazed na rin. Sabihin mo na lang sa akin kung magkano kapag umupo ka." I nodded. "Drink?"
Umiling siya. "Ayaw ko ng kape o ng milkshake, tubig lang ako, may dala ako." He showed me his water jug, an old jug. May mga gasgas na 'yong.
"Sure?" he nodded and walked to sit at our table.
I ordered for Graham and me, then I told him that I would just go to the bathroom. But really, I was going to the tea shop I once bought from. Bibilhan ko na lang siya ng iced tea. Hindi naman puwedeng ako lang ang may inumin sa amin. Ayaw ko no'n.
"Thank you, Ma'am," the cashier of the tea shop muttered as I took the drink. Umalis ako at bumalik sa Krispy Kreme.
Graham was looking at his phone when I came to our table, his food still untouched.
"Why didn't you eat already?" he looked at me as I sat down. "Hinihintay kita, maraming tao sa CR?"
"Actually," I placed his tea before him on the table, "I bought you this talaga. I didn't go to the restroom."
Pinunasin ko ang mga fork namin ng tissue at hinalo na ang aking kape. "Kain ka na," I urged him when he was just staring at his cold drink.
I took a portion of my donut and chewed on it. Graham was still busy with his staring session, ako ay kumain na. Medyo nagutom ako after no'ng last class ko.
"El," ngumunguya akong tumitig sa kaniya. "Gusto mo rin ba ako?"
I swallowed and showed a tiny smile. "I think so," I declared.
Graham's mouth opened. "Kain ka na," ulit ko bago uminom ng kape.
"So, MU na tayo?" I laughed at his question habang hinihiwa niya 'yong donut niya. "Uso pa ba 'yon?"
Kumain siya bago sumagot. "E, ano ba'ng tawag sa atin?"
"Hindi ko rin alam..." inilagay ko ang plate ng naubos kong donut sa ibaba ng plato ng ikalawa kong donut na kakainin. "I guess, MU nga." Pag-agree ko na.
"Gusto mo bang MU tayo?" I didn't know. So, I didn't answer him with a yes immediately. "Gusto ko kasi sanang ligawan ka na, kaso parang... bawal ka pa yatang magka-boyfriend."
I understood why he thought that, my brothers were always around me, so it was easy to assume what he said. "Hindi naman, puwede naman." I said.
"Talaga?"
"Yeah, hindi naman bawal, bawal."
"You're brothers won't mind?"
"Well, they would, but they can't really stop me if I fight for it."
"So, ipaglalaban mo 'ko?"
I stared at him because of his cheesy line. He laughed at my reaction before continuing to eat.
"You look at me like that, yet you said you'd fight for your love. So, you will fight for me." I chewed slowly when I heard him say the word love.
"Feeling," I uttered before he laughed and drank his cold beverage. "'Kala mo hindi niya kakaamin lang, ah," panunudyo niya.
"So, manliligaw ka?" pagbabaon ko sa aking confession. "Gusto ko."
"Okay, although my stance on that is unconventional." He put his plate below the plate of his second donut, redoing what I had done.
"Bakit?"
"Kasi ginagawa lang naman ng lalaki ang panliligaw para mapaamo ang babae, e, that act doesn't show what the guy is really like. E, ikaw, kilala na kita, pinakita mo na agad 'yong totoong side mo, kaya hindi ko makita 'yong point ng panliligaw."
He showed me a proud grin. "Are you implying that we should be together without courtship?"
"Sort of, hindi lang talaga ako naniniwala sa gano'n—lokohan lang 'yon, 'no. Don't tell me you don't believe me, mas realistic ka sa akin." He nods. "See? I'm right."
"So, tayo na, 'di ba?" ang tono ng pananalita niya ay napalitan ng pagkasabik. "Yeah."
I began to eat my second donut when I felt a warm palm slowly holding my hand that was on the table. Graham was gazing at my hand as his fingers held mine. Ang kagaspangan ng kamay niya ay ramdam ko, pero hindi naman 'yon nakabawas sa lamyos ng halpos niya.
"Aking dayang," my chewing slowed down again as I realized how sweet he sounded when he said that. Ano 'to? Endearment ba 'to, kaya malambing?
"Dayang?"
"You're second name is Danielle, sakto, it has the same beginning as dayang. It means princess. Ikaw ang aking dayang, El."
If my mouth could shrink so that I could conceal my smile, I would've ordered it to shrink because I was absolutely sure that my smile was wider than I wanted it to be.
Anong dayang?!
Anong princess?!
Bakit niya ako pinakikilig ng ganito?