He'd been back in Utah for two days.
He thought coming home again he would settle back into his hermit existence, being comfortably locked away from the world again. Instead he felt trapped. He had been okay in Texas, had managed to be out in the world and keep his sobriety, maybe he didn't need to lock himself away like he'd thought.
"So... you made it through in one piece?" Brooke was sitting beside him in his yard on one of the wide wooden chairs overlooking the mountains.
Kendra loved those mountains and these chairs.
"I did." He smirked, somewhat relieved, somewhat proud.
"Was it as bad as you thought?" Brooke asked as she sipped her cocoa.
Kendra hated cocoa, she hated any hot drinks that weren't coffee.
"Parts were, some parts were easier I guess."
"How was the funeral?" Brooke relaxed a little more into the deep mahogany as her eyes focused on the mountain range in front of them.
"It was good." He took a sip of his coffee, the morning sun shining bright into his eyes as a harsh wake up.
"You're really going to make me work for it today aren't you Austin?" Brooke teased with a smirk.
"I'm sorry." He breathed out as he lit up another cigarette, thankful that Brooke had finally gotten used to the smell and the constant cloud of smoke that followed him.
He probably should have tried to give up this habit whilst he was ridding himself of the others.
"It was a lot. Seeing Kendra, seeing dad and Jodie and the rest of the family. I guess I'm still processing it all myself. The funeral was nice, quite a few people came which was good to see. The wake after was just close family at his favourite restaurant in town." He sighed as he spoke, reminding himself that the past few days had actually happened and hadn't been some weird dream he had been caught in.
"And how..." Brooke started again.
"Dad's okay, we barely spoke the whole time I was there. Jodie's Jodie, she was fussing over everyone and is worried about dad. It was good to see Mitch, we hung out a bit which kinda made the trip bearable."
"And Kendra?" Brooke asked tentatively.
"We parted on okay terms." Austin nodded, blowing out a cloud of smoke.
"That's good Austin, that's what you were worried about right? What you wanted?"
"Yeah." He lied. He would never be okay with anything to do with the word 'parting' in the same sentence as her.
"Have you heard from anyone since you've been back?" Brooke asked after another sip of her cocoa.
"Just work shit." He shrugged off, ashing his cigarette in the tray beside him.
"Have you reached out to anyone since being back?" Jesus she wasn't backing down today.
"Brooke, what would I say?"
"People care about you Austin. I care about you. It's okay to let us in, to let us help." Brooke leant forwards, placing her hand over his forearm as she spoke.
"I know, I'm sorry. Would you come for a walk with me?"
****
"Holy shit you actually opened the door!" Mitch exclaimed as he pushed past Austin into the house before the door was slammed in his face.
"I invited you here." Austin closed the door behind his brother before following him into the foyer.
"That hasn't made a difference the past few times." Mitch punched back, his eyes darting around the house as he took in all the details. "Jesus, what is this a shrine? Nothing's fucking changed."
His eyes followed Mitch's, darting from photo frame to photo frame, all still containing their original photos from happier times, Kendra front and centre in almost all of them with her giant, beaming smile.
"You sound like Brooke..." He mumbled as he started making his way towards the kitchen.
"Oh yeah?" Mitch asked as he slowly began following, his eyes still darting over the details of the house.
"Yep. 'How can you expect to move on if you're living in the past'." He mimicked Brooke's words.
Of course she had a point, she was completely right if he was being honest, but this wasn't his house, it wasn't his stuff to get rid of or replace.
"I would say she sounds smart, but she can't be that smart if she thinks for a second you fucking wanna move on." Mitch headed towards the fridge, pulling the door open and scrunching up his face as he searched it's contents.
"Sorry man, sober remember?" Austin shrugged off, pulling himself up to sit on the kitchen bench and lighting one of his cigarettes.
"Shit man, sorry, force of habit." He could see Mitch becoming embarrassed as he closed the door and rushed away from the fridge.
For as long as he'd had this house it had been the frat house. Even after she'd moved in and the house had started resembling a home more than the original dive bar it had been when he first bought it, they'd always kept the bar area overflowing with beer, wine, champagne or any other alcohol Utah stocked for him and his friends.
No drugs though, never drugs. That was her one rule.
He wanted to believe it wasn't the only reason he'd always had so many friends over all the time but he was completely aware it hadn't hurt. These past few months more than proved that. How many people came over for a few rounds of pool and a cup of tea after all.
"Don't worry about it, want a coffee?" He waved Mitch off, making his way over the machine and getting it started.
***
"So... what's goin on? What's happened?" Mitch asked as he blew some of the steam off his mug of coffee.
"What's goin on?" Austin mirrored, confused by Mitch's question. "I told you in Texas I'd get you over when we were back."
"Dude that was almost four weeks ago. I just figured it was bull shit again." Mitch's words should have stung more than they did, but it was hard to take offence when he knew it was the truth. This past year especially he'd been full of nothing but blatant lies and empty promises.
"Yeah okay, fair enough. I guess it almost was." His words were mumbled as he fumbled with his cigarette pack, grabbing one out with his lips. "So what's up? How's work?"
"Work's work." Mitch shrugged. "Jess and I are booking a trip to Hawaii in the next few months."
"Jess?" He asked more to himself as he tried to decide whether he should know that name or not.
"Yeah Jess, my girlfriend of six months. Who you would know by the way if we ever fucking saw you." Mitch scoffed, crossing his left leg over his right as he sat further back in his chair. "I'm surprised she doesn't think I'm fucking lying about having a brother let alone who he is"
"Sorry." He was beginning to feel like a broken record, suddenly remembering why he'd found it easier to just avoid everyone lately. "Let me know where you're looking at staying, I'll hook ya up with a good suite."
The resulting silence almost made him as uncomfortable as Mitch's unimpressed stare from his offer. Paying for shit had become about all he was good for, he was gonna be in trouble if that didn't work anymore.
"How's dad? Did the house sell?" He tried to move the conversation along again, hoping a change of topic might be a safer option.
"He's okay, keeping busy with work. I think they've had a few offers but hadn't accepted any the last time I spoke to them." He watched as Mitch played around on his phone as he answered, obviously not interested in his choice of topic. "Actually you know who'd know?"
"Who?" He asked with a shake of his head.
"Dad. Fucking call him." Mitch's words were punched out but not aggressive.
"Yeah coz Texas went so fucking well..." Austin sighed, the memory of Texas bringing nothing more than the image of constant disappointment on his dad's face.
And her.
"It's not gonna magically get easier Austin. Jesus Christ you had a problem, you got help, you got sober. Now's when you're supposed to move on with your life, not continue sitting here punishing yourself for fucking ever."
Mitch was right, he knew it as well as anyone else. He'd been told by enough fucking people to know it was true. There was one major issue that no one else seemed to factor in to this plan though.
"How am I supposed to do that when she was my fucking life? I can't fucking see anything beyond her."
"Then get her back. She didn't exactly seem disinterested in Texas." Mitch shrugged off, as if it were the most basic suggestion, as if he hadn't been in the centre of a fucking miracle by having her fall in love with him to begin with.
"She left Mitch. She packed her things and walked out the fucking door and left me." His words stung as soon as they left his mouth and it took almost all his determination not to allow the tears behind his eyes to break free.
"She didn't leave you Austin, she left a toxic mess of a situation." Mitch placed his mug down on the table in front of him, leaning further in to Austin. His words were spoken with so much sincerity he could feel himself almost falling for them. "You know that no fucking good would have come from her staying. Just like you know that she wouldn't have left if y'all hadn't gone through what you did."
He shook his head, shaking Mitch's words off before he allowed them to settle. "She's moving on with her life and she deserves a chance without me fucking it up."
"You're a fucking idiot." Mitch moved closer, passing Austin his phone. "Here... look at these. Does she look happy or like she's moving on with her life to you?"
He took a deep breath before looking down to the screen, terrified of what his brother wanted to show him.
Photo after photo of her, all looking beaten down and heart broken. Even in the voyeuristic paparazzi photos online you could see she was missing her usually pep, her beaming smile replaced by a forced grin.
"If she doesn't wanna see you, if she is actually done with you then fine, I guess you have the right to sit here and sulk forever. You fought so hard to get clean, to get back here and for what? What was the fucking point if you're not even gonna try to fight for her?"