When I leave my room at ten to six, Goh is waiting there for me, hands stuck in the pockets of his pants. We hurry down to the Uber, and ride to the arena in silence. It doesn't really fully sink in that this is happening until we pull up and get out, and see the queue already starting to wrap around the side of the building. We're an hour early, and we're still at least two hundred people back.
"Maybe we should have come earlier," I comment as we drift to the back of the queue. Goh shakes his head, smiling.
"It's okay. I don't really like being right at the front."
Fair enough, then. Nerves start to eat away at me as I realise we have an hour of standing before we even get inside, and while I don't usually have any issue with filling silences, Goh makes me a little lost for words.
"I haven't listened to Fall Out Boy in a while," I admit.
"Why not?" Goh asks, shivering a bit.
I debate whether to answer the question honestly or not. "They remind me of someone," I say, deciding to go for the truth. Goh's eyes widen slightly, his eyebrows raising.
"Me too," he says. "But I figured I shouldn't let that keep me from seeing them, if I have the chance."
"An ex?" I ask cautiously, not wanting to overstep.
He shakes his head, crossing his arms. "Just a friend. My best friend. We used to listen to them together a lot when we were teenagers."
"We're still teenagers," I say, teasing him, laughing when he rolls his eyes. "Sorry. What happened? If you don't mind me asking."
He kicks slightly at the ground, staring down at his shoes now, biting his cheek. I wonder if I've pushed it too far and upset him, but then he twists his face. "We just fell apart. Things weren't... ideal. Anyway, that's in the past."
I can't stop the frown. He looks so... heartbroken, really. I know exactly how that feels. I want to touch him, but I don't know how he'd react, so I don't. "I guess sometimes you can't stop it from falling apart." I shrug. "I know that all too well."
Goh shoots me a curious look, but doesn't ask. He considers me for a moment. "I guess."
I pray it doesn't upset him and decide to ask what I've been wondering for the last few hours. "Do you get bothered a lot? For the way you look, I mean."
He seems shocked at the question, and I worry maybe I've been too forward, too pushy. But I'm not asking because I'm nosey, I'm asking because I want to understand him. He reads my face for a second, and maybe he sees that somehow, because he decides to answer. "It happens from time to time. I think..." He trails off, absently reaching for his hair, his eyes going distant. "I think I've always struggled to understand myself, so of course other people don't understand. To me I was still a boy, even if I wanted to wear a skirt or have long hair or whatever else but..."
I frown down at him. We barely know each other, and he seems so closed off that I'm surprised he decided to answer at all. Maybe after today, he really just needed to tell someone. "Those things should never matter, and they're no one's business but yours anyway."
His eyes sparkle when he looks back up at me. "Thanks, Ash. It hasn't bothered me for a while, not for years really, until... Well, my friend, they-" His eyes shutter, and I can almost see the mental barrier going back up, the walls slamming down again as he closes himself off. In a split second, he becomes distant again. "I'm talking too much. Sorry."
"No, it's okay," I say, but I can tell he's done with talking about this, so I ask something else instead, a question about his music taste, and he seems to light up a little. We launch into a conversation that lasts almost the entire hour, about music and TV and other little things, but nothing deep. I'm shocked by how much we have in common, and how easy it is to listen to him as he talks. It's like the sound of his voice is mesmerising to me.
Finally, the line starts to shift, people filtering into the building. Ten minutes later, and we step into the arena. Goh seems a little overwhelmed, so I don't immediately go for the front of the crowd, like I usually would. "Where do you wanna stand?"
He looks around, then points over to the left side, where we'd be decently close to the front, but not in the centre. I nod, and follow him over. We settle into the spot he's chosen, everyone around us chatting excitedly, and music starts to blare through the speakers while the stage is set up. Goh smiles as he seemingly recognises the song, and hums along. I can't help but stare at him.
When he realises I'm watching he stops, going stiff again. I smile, hoping to put him at ease a little. "Which one's your favourite?" I ask.
"Fall Out Boy song?" He asks, and I nod. He hums, thinking, then shrugs. "Maybe I'm Like a Lawyer? I'm not even sure. There's a lot of bands I like better now, but Fall Out Boy has nostalgia value too."
I shrug and nod at the same time. "Good choice." I vaguely remember a letter from Red years and years ago when she was talking about Fall Out Boy and other bands, and I can't recall 100%, but I swear that was her favourite, too. I swear I remember telling her it was my favourite too, even though mine was definitely something even more basic.
"I just realised I never asked what you're studying," Goh says, looking up at me.
"Zoology," I say. I watch as his brows twitch together, and his eyes narrow, dimming before he can stop them. "What about you?"
"Biology," he says, almost cautiously. I blink, taking in the fact that he's doing the same course as Red. It's almost like the universe is laughing in my face.
We fall into a comfortable silence again, listening to the music that everyone else is singing along to. Goh keeps shooting me looks when he thinks I'm not looking, studying me, and it makes all the heat in my body crawl its way up to my face and linger in my cheeks, so I don't look back, afraid he'll see how he makes me blush, just by looking at me.
The support acts come and go, and I have no idea who either of them are, but they're good, and I see Goh's face light up over time as he becomes more comfortable in the crowd, and less anxious about the people around him. The crowd presses closer together with each passing song, and especially between acts, and in the end our shoulders are pressed together, the back of our hands brushing when we move. He either doesn't notice, or doesn't mind. I mind, because I'm hyper aware of every touch of his skin on mine.
I notice less when Fall Out Boy comes out. I actually know the songs, and I sing along, moving with the rest of the people in the crowd. For a few songs, I even forget who's beside me, until they start to sing I'm Like a Lawyer. I glance to my left, and see his face light up, and he's moving to the music, looking so carefree that he almost seems like a whole different person. I watch as he comes alive in the crowd. There might as well be no one else in this whole place. I'm captivated by the sight of him singing along, looking so happy, and I decide that I want to know him well enough for him to show me this side all of the time.
When the set ends, I'm out of breath, and my body aches a little from standing and dancing, but I feel exhilarated. Everyone starts to try to filter out, moving slowly in the crowd, but I hang back, deciding it'd probably be better to let some people get out first, so we don't get separated from each other. I explain that to Goh, and he nods, but then I become aware of the song playing through the speakers.
You made me feel like the one,
Made me feel like the one.
Dakota by Stereophonics is one of the few songs I struggle to listen to now, after Red. It just makes me think of her. My heart clenches painfully in my chest as the song drones on, each passing second making my heart beat faster, and though I know it's pathetic that a song should wind me up so much, I suddenly feel the urge to get out as quickly as possible.
Remembering you,
What happened to you?
I wonder if we'll meet again,
Talk about life since then,
Talk about why did it end.
I reach out and grab Goh's hand without thinking, and start to ease my way through the crowd, taking him with me. I see his eyes widen, and his mouth fall open a little, but he doesn't pull away from me as I lead the way. When we emerge out into the night, it's pitch black and almost freezing cold, a crisp wind blowing through my hair, and I tip my head back, relishing the feeling of it. Letting go of Goh's hand quickly, I look back at him, but he's already pulling out his phone and trying to get us a ride back.
He curses under his breath. "It's not working. I guess a lot of people are trying to get an Uber right now."
"How long is the walk?" I ask.
"Almost half an hour, I think." He peers up from his phone screen at me, in silent question. I shrug.
"I don't mind walking, unless you wanna-"
He shakes his head. "I'll walk."
I gesture for him to lead the way, and fall into step beside him, parting from the crowd. Around us, the sounds of the city drown out the music still filtering out from inside, and I relax, letting thoughts of Red drift from my mind, reminding myself that I'm here with Goh, and I need to get over myself.
"Why the sudden rush out of the venue?" Goh asks, sticking his hands in his pockets. The walking helps with the cold, but it's still cold, and I can see him grimacing at it every time the breeze floats by. I pull my jacket off and hand it to him, and he pauses, staring down at it like it's an alien for a second. "You'll be cold," he says, gawking at me.
"I'm not cold," I lie. He hesitates for a few more seconds, then reaches out carefully for it, shrugging into it and looking down at the ground. The sight of him in my jacket makes my heart start to pound against my ribs, and I swallow the lump threatening to form in my throat. This is such a bad idea. "I don't like that song," I finally answer, once he starts to walk again.
"You don't like Dakota?" He asks incredulously, arching an eyebrow. I try to avoid looking at him, because I know I'll give away something.
"Well, I do, but... It reminds me of someone," I say, feeling a bit pathetic.
"The same person as Fall Out Boy?" He asks gently. I do look at him then, and find him watching me, his face soft. When I first met him, and saw how quiet he was the first night, how he seemed like he'd do anything to avoid a conversation with me... I feel like I owe him an honest answer, for his earlier honesty.
"Yeah. The same person."
"If they mean so much to you, can't you just... reach out?" He asks, wincing a little as he does, though I'm not sure why.
"I don't have any way to contact them. Besides, I don't think they'd want me to. And I'm here now." I make myself smile at him. "They're probably on the other side of the country."
He doesn't smile back. He seems lost in his own thoughts, staring off into space. "I have a similar situation. There's no point in worrying about it now, though. Like you said, we're here now."
I nod, watching him still. There's just something about him that draws me to him, and I know that if we spent more time together, I'd get attached to him, the same as Red. It's only been a few days, and already I'm finding it hard to look at him without butterflies filling my stomach, and that's never happened before. I might have said it was a good thing, but... I don't know if I can face that sort of pain again yet. I managed to put on a front after Red left, but it cleaved me open, tearing me in two. I was a shell of myself, and still kind of am, without her. She ripped open my chest and left a black hole there, and while Goh might fill it, he could also make it much, much worse. Already he has that power.
Yet I can't help the urge to lean down and kiss him. I can't help wondering what his lips would taste like. The thoughts make my face burn, and I turn away, mentally cursing myself for being so stupid. I can't. Even on the slim chance that he's also interested... I can't. Not when my heart is so full of Red that it may as well be hers.
— — — —
When we get back to the flat and step into the corridor, markedly warmer, I pause to say goodnight to him, but in my head, I wonder if there's some non-awkward way for me to ask him to hang out again sometime soon. I don't want to get too attached, but I think we could be great friends, if I don't let my attraction to him get in the way.
"Thanks for coming tonight," he says again, dipping his head.
I shake my head. "Thanks for letting me." I pause, hesitating. "I'm going for coffee with Serena and May tomorrow morning. You should come."
He pauses too, for a few seconds. "Alright," he concedes, smiling tightly. Then he pulls out his phone, and starts doing something, squinting down at the bright screen. Before I can ask what he's doing, my own phone buzzes in my back pocket, and when I pull it out, I see he was texting me. A strange sensation jolts up my body as I look back up at him, blinking. "Let me know what time," he says casually.
"You don't have to come," I say quickly. "If I'm being overbearing, you can tell me to go away."
Goh's lips curl up into a smirk. "Hm. You know, usually I would. I don't usually like people, but... I actually kinda like being around you."
It takes a few seconds for me to gather myself, my throat closing up, all the heat in my body rising again. "Alright," I say, a little breathlessly, tucking my phone away again. "Goodnight, Goh."
He smiles again, and it lights me up inside as he turns and starts to head back to his room. I turn too and make it three steps before he calls out my name, and my heart stops dead in my chest, sinking down to the floor, but when I turn he's only shrugging off my jacket and handing it back to me. I reach out and take it, my hands shaking slightly.
"Goodnight," he says, and then disappears. I blow out the breath I was holding and head into my own room, throwing the jacket down on the back of the desk chair and throwing myself down in bed. I stare up at the ceiling, but there's no chance I'm sorting through any of my feelings tonight. Or at least not on my own.
I sit up and fish for my phone, and call Dawn. She answers immediately, and demands I FaceTime her. I let her switch the call, and when her face shows on my screen, she's beaming at me. It's the first time I'm seeing her face since we parted, and my chest twists painfully, even as I beam back. I lie back on the bed, one hand behind my head, the other holding the phone up so I can watch as she props her phone up on her desk and sits back, telling me about her day, throwing her hands about for six or seven minutes.
When she's finished, she leans in, propping her elbows on the desk. "So, why did you call me?"
I tell her about the last couple of days, mostly focusing on Goh, and she slowly leans further into the camera, until she's practically pressed against it, her eyes wide. When I tell her about tonight, her face lights up, but I don't smile. When I'm finished, she nods, smiling.
"Goh sounds great, Ash."
"Yeah," I sigh. "But I don't think I can do it."
"Why?" She frowns.
"Because... I still think Red was the right person. It just wasn't the right time. I mean, what if we reconnect?"
I hate the way her brows knit together, and her pitying frown. "You're really gonna wait around for someone that blocked you, for the small chance she'll come back?"
I understand why she doesn't get it, but the ghost of the relationship I should have had is lingering, haunting me. I didn't just lose a friend, or someone I loved, I lost my person. I know it's dumb, and I know it would be easier to let it go, but I'm afraid if I do I'll forever be haunted by 'what-ifs'. Besides, every time I try to face my grief and accept she's gone, it just stares back at me, taunting me, daring me to let it back in, knowing it will break me again.
"I still love her," I admit.
Dawn shakes her head. "You have to let it go, Ash. You're holding onto too much."
I swallow the lump in my throat, fighting back the crack I know will come if I try to speak. "I don't know how to put it down. I don't know how to let it go." I'm dangerously close to tears, which seems like a poor way to end a good day. "I don't even know if he likes me that way, or ever could."
"But you'll never know if you don't try." Her eyes are pleading with me. I know she just wants me to be happy. I know she's the one person that recognised how much Red's disappearance affected me. I want to be able to tell her that I'm fine, that I'm over it, but it'd be a lie. Her face goes stern as she watches me think, and I know from that look that she's about to pull out her tough love act. "You've given enough to her. You've given too many years already."
"But-"
"This is the point in your life where you're gonna meet the most people. Where you've already met someone you're into- Like really into. And I know you. That never happens to you."
I clench my jaw, hating her truth. "Fine. I'm seeing him tomorrow anyway."
"And you're gonna make a move."
"What?" I choke. "No. We've only known each other for four days."
"Five, by tomorrow."
I give her an exasperated look, and she laughs. I feel a smile tugging on my lips, and realise she's successfully pulled me out of the pit I was falling into, once again. "I'm not making a move in front of the others, but maybe... Maybe I will sometime."
"Sometime soon, I hope. Ask him on a date, Ash. What's the worst that can happen?"
"Soul-crushing rejection?" I suggest.
"Now you're just being dramatic." She flicks her hair over her shoulder. "Can I see your flat?"
"What?"
"Show me," she says, smiling. I groan, knowing I'm not getting out of it, and flip the camera so she can see my room, which is still clean, somehow. "Now let me see the kitchen," she says.
"I can't be bothered to walk there," I argue.
"Stop moping in bed," she hisses.
"It's literally eleven," I hiss back, but I'm already standing, unable to oppose her. I watch her while she watches my room as I stand and head for the kitchen. I just pray there's no one in there as I push through the door to my room, rolling my eyes when Dawn reminds me to raise the camera. As I approach the kitchen, I see the light is on inside, and almost don't go inside.
I sigh and push open the door, and feel myself die a little inside when I see it's Goh. He's at the other side of the kitchen, a glass in his hand, heading for the sink. He looks up at me, his eyes lighting up, and he smiles. "Hi again," he says, unaware of the audience he has. Dawn stays silent, but her eyes widen, and she claps a hand over her mouth, like she has to physically restrain herself from speaking.
"Hi," I say, a little awkwardly, and I shove my phone in my back pocket, praying Dawn stays quiet while I pretend to get my own glass of water. Goh hovers for a second, like he's considering saying something, and I wait, every passing second making me more tense as the water fills my glass.
"Iris," he says, quietly. I look up, blinking in confusion at him. He chews on his lip, and won't look at me. "By the Goo Goo Dolls. That's the song that I can't listen to anymore because of someone. It fits, word for word." He shrugs, smiling. "Since you shared yours with me."
Then he turns, calling goodnight as he disappears from the room again, and I jolt as I realise the water is running over the top of the glass onto my hand. I flick off the tap and pour a little out, then race back to my room, heart pounding. When I pull my phone out, Dawn's still there, gaping at me.
"Thanks for the lovely view of your ass," she complains. "Was that him?"
"Yeah," I say, and I barely get the word out before she squeals.
"You're right, he's stunning! I can't believe you shoved me away. I couldn't hear anything so I didn't know if you were coming back."
I blow out a breath, grateful that she didn't hear. "Of course you'd make me wander in there when he's there."
"I'm not sorry. But did you see the way he looked at you?"
"You're making stuff up," I say. "And I'm going to bed now."
She scoffs and rolls her eyes at me, but I smile, and she can't help but smile back. "Alright, I suppose I'll let you go. You need the sleep before your date in the morning."
"There's literally going to be two other people there-"
"Goodnight, Ash!" She hangs up after blowing a kiss. I sigh through my nose, shaking my head at her even though she's already gone. In the silence, I finally think about the song. I decide I'll get ready for bed, and then listen to it, to see what he means.
Ten minutes later, I'm lying in bed, earphones in, and I find the song on Spotify, pulling up the lyrics as it starts. I stare at them, and as the song carries on, it feels like the earth is being pulled out from beneath me. Every line, even the first... It's just like he said. It's exactly how I feel about Red, too. A crushing weight presses against my chest, and it takes all my effort not to cry, but I promise myself I won't. I won't cry for Red anymore. Not when I have so many other people in my life, new and old. Because Dawn is right. I can't live my life waiting for someone that's not here anymore. I have to move on, or at least try to.
And somehow... Goh giving me this song, this piece of him that means so much... It feels like him reaching out a hand, letting me know he's going through the same thing- that he understands. Maybe it's time for me to reach back.