"So, uh, what happened to hi and goodbye?"
Jimin's sweetness is one you appreciate so much, especially as your personal assistant who needs to keep you grounded and also distracted. But his knowing, slightly disappointed look isn't one you like at all.
You act innocent as you ask over the screen what he means.
"Well, let me answer it for you," he sighs. "That plan sucked! I don't even know why you thought it was a good one and that you'll even sustain it. Clearly, sleeping at his place and then inviting him over to yours are way off the mark. Are we having a change of heart, my dear? Should I drive over there and stop you?"
"Why would you stop me?"
"Excuse me? What do you mean, why would I?" He gasps.
If he had the heart for it, he could really become an actor.
"I don't have to remind you of the last time you were in that town, ___. I mean, I wasn't there but drunk you gave me the lowdown too many times and I am committed to making sure you don't get your heart broken again. He clearly still has an effect on you."
"Insofar as reminding me that my dreams are valid and that I'm important and cared for? Yes, Yoongi still affects me very much," you counter. "And I don't see that as a problem."
"The fact that he's your ex and that you loved him greatly isn't a problem?" He gasps again. "In what world is that not a problem? Please enlighten me."
"In a world where I understand why we had to break up and where he's moved on and so have I and we're adults who can clearly move on from things and talk about our past like mature, non-horny individuals," you recite in one breath. "It exists, you know?"
"Okay, I'm going to ignore the opposite of your implication of adding non-horny because that means there's a possibility of horny," Jimin groans. "You're an adult, I don't need to tell you shit but please, please be careful. I know you."
"What does that mean!" You frown.
"It means I know your brain has to constantly make justifications for every action you make and once it does, you hold onto it," he replies. "Why you continue to see him is obviously based on some reason you have that may be justifiable and that's just gonna push you to keep seeing him. And seeing him. Until who knows what'll happen?"
"I'm actually not thinking of what happens after because I'm here just for the next 4 weeks," you reason. "I'm here temporarily, just waiting to spend enough time with family so I'd stop feeling guilty about never visiting, and preparing myself for the next project that'll come around. My brain doesn't have the capacity to think of what will happen after here. There's no here for me anymore."
"Okay, whatever makes you sleep at night."
"It does," immediately catching yourself in a lie. You just aren't in the right emotional space to question yourself. "Anyway, how are you? Are you enjoying your vacation?"
"Yes," he smiles. "Busan was great and I ate a lot of food. I passed by the agency today, though."
"Why?" You pout. "I clearly said, no work for you this entire 2 months!"
"I just sorted through your mail," he answers. "My brother and I are in Seoul for a day before we fly to Hong Kong tomorrow and thought to just go through them so I won't have to deal with 2 months' worth when I get back."
"Fine," you sigh. "Anything interesting?"
"Usual letters and stuffed toys. There are some packages, too. I had security scan them and they're all fine. You got roses as well. Most of them have withered, I'm sorry."
"Oh, it's okay," you say. "Just roses?"
"Just roses," he answers. "Were you expecting daisies? Didn't you get them at the start of the series?"
The daisies, of course. You used to have them in your backyard in your old house and your mom would pluck one and put it on her ear and then one on yours.
They're so simple, though; you suppose no one knows it's your favorite and you like it that way. You received a bouquet during your first ever movie premiere a few years ago, with just your name and nothing else. Daisies are often just supporting flowers to the bigger, brighter, and more beautiful ones, but somehow that makes them even more beautiful in your eyes. You never knew who it was from but the flowers come, every premiere, with no fail.
"Just wondered if they're thinking of me and wanted to drop by some flowers," you shrug. "I'll go through the letters first thing when I get back."
"Don't want me to filter them?" He wonders.
"No need. I'll be fine."
You drop the call and plop back on your bed. It's the second night of your 4-day stay at a little villa resort in the mountains with your family. It's to celebrate your father and stepmom's 10th anniversary and one of the reasons why you came home. They both asked for meals together and tonight, a renewal ceremony. Your sisters planned it out for them to have speaking roles, leaving you out, which you don't really mind.
They look like a close family, you think to yourself as you recall the past 2 days. Your stepmom talks to your sisters like her own daughters, and despite the resentment you have towards them because of their resentment towards you, you're at least satisfied that they got to experience having a mother again. You know your mom took that away from them; she took it away from you, too, but you never held a grudge even though it hurt.
Not everyone will understand and people will take things differently but seeing her achieve her dream as a ballet dancer and director of a prestigious company abroad pushed you to work towards your dream, too. And it's not like she stopped trying. The rest of your family didn't want her to be part of their lives anymore and resisted any attempts at still maintaining anything close to a relationship.
Not you, though, as you remained in contact. You spent a summer break with her during your first year of university when she sent you to Paris for a month; she even let you take acting classes there while she worked. She'd visit Seoul and stay with you. You talk to each other regularly. You tell her about your projects and everything in between. You bond over your dreams and love for each other, and your heart will always be with her. Seeing your sisters get that love with someone else doesn't hurt you as much. You're glad they could at least feel that with another person.
Tonight might make you feel a little out of place but you're ready for it. You dress up and walk to the garden and admire how beautiful it looks. Your father and stepmom look great, too, and you do your best to feel like you belong here, even if a big part of you knows that you don't.
A place doesn't always become foreign when you've been away for a while; it's the people who make you feel like you're not from there, like you're not welcome. And even with just your sisters, they're both enough to make you feel like this is no longer the place for you; they're no longer the place for you.
You spend most of your time with your grandparents who thank you for the flowers that come every few days. The vases are wonderful, they say, and you make a mental note to ask Yoongi to let you know if new ones come in.
You retire when they do, saying you'll have an early morning trek to the mountain to watch the sunrise. Your father hugs you goodnight and thanks you for coming, and something in his eyes says he wants to say more, but he lets you go instead.
The cool breeze makes you fall asleep easily, and it's the next day before you know it.
You savor the time alone of climbing the mountain. You're with a local guide who follows your pace and tells you bits of information about the surroundings. Three hours later, you're back in the resort to have breakfast with your family and swim in the pool, to your nieces' request. You go to a temple in the afternoon and choose to lounge in one of the gardens on your own. You video call with Taehyung who's on a trip as well, and wait until dinner with your family again.
Everyone chooses to go back to their rooms early, until your father knocks on your door and asks himself in.
You haven't been alone with him for a long time. You were always the mommy's girl, clinging to her like a koala; even when she left, you hung onto her like a lifeline. That was the difference, you thought. She was thousands of miles away but she always checked in, always asked how people were treating you, and flew to see you when she could. You remember how she was at your doorstep a week after you left Daegu for good. The distance and the heartbreak didn't stop her from loving you. And so many times you wish that your father did.
"Is the place alright? Are you comfortable?" He asks as he sits on the chair, looking a little nervous.
"Yeah, it's all nice and clean," you respond. "The bed's not too soft, which is good. Food is delicious, too."
"Are... are you having fun?"
"Yeah. It's a nice place. There's lots to do," you smile, finding yourself wanting to make him feel at ease for the first time. He's been looking well and happy but always seems to have a sad look whenever he looks at you. "Congratulations again, father. I'm happy for both of you, and I mean it."
His tears are immediate and you quickly walk up to him. "Is everything okay?" You ask worriedly.
"Yeah, I just..." he takes a hold of your hand on his shoulder, caressing it before he leans his head on it. "I'm just really happy you're here. And I just wanted to say I'm sorry. It's long overdue, I know. But I'm so sorry. I stopped checking in, I never protected you from your sisters, I let their anger and your pain fester. You stopped feeling loved at home to the point that you left, for good. And you didn't want to come back."
You're left speechless and immobile at his words and his actions. You've wanted so long to hear them and now, you don't know how to react or even how to process them.
"It wasn't all you, or my sisters," you manage to respond after some time. You could at least be honest. "I mean, yeah, I was hurt. But I left to fulfill my dreams. I couldn't go back because I didn't know if you guys wanted me to. And because I... I had to move on from someone who was here. It was hard either way."
"Is it that Yoongi guy?" He asks, looking up at you as he wipes his tears. "The college basketball star, wasn't he? I heard he's coaching the team now."
"I suppose I mentioned him at one point," you say, wondering how your father knew.
It's not like you wanted to keep your relationship a secret but it's just not something you actually told him. Yoongi felt like home, and he wasn't someone you wanted to share with the people who stopped feeling like home to you.
"You never did, actually," your father says. "You'd sneak in at night when you were here for the summer. You... you were often out late and I'd be worried so I'd wait until you got back."
"You knew that?" You gasp. "I... well, I'm sorry. I didn't mean to worry you. And I thought I was being quiet. Thanks for not getting mad, I guess."
"It's okay. You always had a smile on your face when you'd tiptoe back inside," he chuckles, the memory somehow keeping him from crying more. "There was a spring in your step every time. I couldn't get mad, not when he was why you'd stay the entire break. You seemed happy. And that was enough for me."
You smile, partly for the memories of how you used to feel them; Yoongi made you feel like you belonged here, even when your family didn't think so. But there's also the thoughts of your father looking out for you all those years ago and how he was trying, even if you didn't feel it at that time.
"I'd come home some weekends," you say after a while, the information a surprise to him. "Then we broke up. It was hard to come home after."
"I figured," he sighs. "I remember that one time you didn't leave your room. I was gonna ask to go in but I heard you crying. You left 2 days after and that was the last time you were here. I wish I'd seen you more, you know?" He says, his sad eyes falling.
"Maybe if I was brave enough, I would've gone down there to make sure you were okay. I always planned on calling but I was so scared, I guess. And that's stupid, right?" He continues as he cries again. "What kind of father gets scared to comfort his own child? But I was. I was a coward. I always was. And I have so many regrets - not working it out with your mom, not protecting you girls from the fallout, letting you go on thinking that I didn't love you. I—"
His cries disrupt him, and he lets go of your hand to cover his face and control himself. You don't know how to comfort him. Your own heart is breaking from his apology that you've been wanting but aren't ready for.
"It's okay," you try. "Whatever you were going through, I'm sure it was really difficult, too. It's hard to be there for someone when we're suffering ourselves."
"But you're my child. You're my youngest daughter. I'm supposed to be there for you," he insists. "I'll always regret that I left you on your own, that I let you deal with a lot of things on your own."
"But I wasn't," you say. "I... I had mom. She was far away but she was there. We'd talk all the time and she'd visit."
The look your father gives you is one of relief and acceptance. You knew that despite everything, he didn't resent her. He tried his hardest with her but once they stopped being happy together, he knew he couldn't force her to stay nor leverage your family and hurt all of you even more in the process. But he'll never blame her for the fallout or what has become of you and your sisters.
"Do you still keep in touch with her?"
"I do," you smile. "She calls every month but we text regularly. I've gone to see her in Paris a few times."
"Is she doing well?" He asks.
"Yes. Her students love her. Their shows are always sold out," you say proudly. "She'll be perpetually sorry for leaving but she's happy and she deserves that, too. She wishes you well, and she's glad that you're with someone who loves you."
"Good," he cries again, no longer wiping them as they continue to fall. "That's really good."
He doesn't say any more, but seeing that tinge of joy in his eyes tells you that she'll always be the first person he loved and that he made a family with her, and broken it may be, it's still a family he loves with his whole heart.
"I'm sorry for breaking down to you like this," he chuckles. "I didn't know if it was the right time but I just... I don't know when I'll see you again."
"I'm here for another month, as you asked me to," you remind him. "But thank you. And I'm sorry, too. I've also moved on from Yoongi. I've seen him a few times and I managed so I'm okay. I can't promise when I'll be back but it won't take me another 6 years."
"That sounds great," he sighs in relief. "That sounds really great."
You both stand up and hug again, but he holds you a little tighter. He whispers he loves you and that he's proud of you, and then leaves. It's right when the door closes that you break into a quiet sob.
There are so many emotions that you can't handle on your own. And for tonight, you don't want to be going through this by yourself. So you pick up your phone and message the only person you can think of.
[To: Yoongi] Hi, are you awake?
[From: Yoongi] Ya, just watching some games. Why?
[To: Yoongi] Just need someone to talk with.
You're surprised when the phone rings and it's Yoongi on the other end.
"Hey," he says when you pick up. "What's going on?"
"Why did you call? I sound terrible!" You groan.
"You do," he replies. "You've been crying. You have that family thing, right? Where are you right now?"
"At the resort."
"I mean, what's the address?"
"Why do you need it?" You question.
"Because I'm gonna drive to you."
"Yoongi, I'm 45 minutes away and it's 10PM."
"And I've driven us to Gyeongju and Andong at this time before," he reasons.
That, he's done. You were in your 20s and spent summers driving around. He was never the type to be out at such late hours but he did it for you. Yoongi always does things for you, you sigh to yourself.
"I'll send it to you," you say, and drop the call.
You text him the address and instruct him to message you when he's outside the main building. You take the time waiting to calm yourself down and make sense of what you feel and before you know it, Yoongi tells you that he's there.
You enter the passenger seat, eyes dry and hands no longer shaking, and he drives. It only takes you 5 minutes to get to a field by the road, with the moon and stars shining brightly. You exit first and walk towards the front of the car to lean on the hood. It's chilly outside and when Yoongi follows you, he pulls a thick jacket over your shoulders.
His eyes level with you, trying to sense what you're feeling or what happened, and you speak before he could ask.
"My father... he, uh, he apologized to me," you finally say. "He said sorry for everything, and I..." you cry out. "I just need to... I just—"
Yoongi envelopes you in a hug as you struggle to find the words, and you immediately fall into his warmth as you bury your face in his chest. It cushions your sobs and he just holds you, loose enough for you to breathe but tight enough to let you know that you can keep going, that he's there, and that tonight, you can express all your emotions as much as you want.
You don't know how long you stay like this. He's steady and consistent with his grip and his caresses on your back, and it's that comfort that you knew you needed.
You've been wanting that apology from your father even with your acceptance that things won't ever be truly okay with the both of you. Hearing his own pain and regrets tonight made you realize just how much you needed that, and that at the end of the day, you just wanted to know that he was looking out for you all those years, that he was thinking about you and that he loved you. No matter how flawed the love seemed. You'd take it, you always would. You'd accept love even if the other person didn't think it was enough. The man holding you right now is proof of that.
Just like Yoongi, maybe your father didn't know that. You once thought it would be too late; it usually is with parents who take too long to say what they need to. But not with him, especially as you saw the pain in his eyes earlier. After all's been said and done, he tried. And you can't fault him for that.
As you try to rein in your emotions, you find yourself calming down. Yoongi's woody and floral scent helps, so does the gentleness of his touch that's so natural for him. The tears eventually stop falling and you shift in his hold until he lets you go completely.
You turn towards him and smile. "You didn't have to drive all the way to see me," you say, a white lie. You realize at this moment that this is all you need.
"Would I be able to do this if I didn't?" He asks, as he wipes a lone tear down your cheek with his thumb. "Would my presence on the other end of the phone be enough for you after all that?"
"No, it wouldn't," you whisper.
"I figured," he smiles.
It's soft and sweet like it normally is, like how it normally was whenever he smiled at you. You don't want to think about the thrumming of your heart at the sight or the fact that this is the closest you two have ever been since you came back. You don't want to think about how familiar this feels, how his hums and his small giggles as he wipes another tear are sounds you've missed so much, how at this moment, as you just experienced something that healed your heart, that this is healing your heart just as much.
You loved this man genuinely and intensely, as your friends have said. And this moment is a reason why - he'll always know you, he'll always comfort you, and you know without a doubt that he'll always care for you.
It's nearing 1AM when you get back to the resort. You'd spent almost 2 hours out there. You leaned on his shoulder as you recalled the conversation with your father and continued to process it all. Yoongi helped insofar as asking the right questions and reminding you that your feelings are valid but to not expect that things would be resolved right after. You're mending your relationship and that would always take time.
The thrumming of your heart doesn't really subside, though, even more when he opens the door for you and helps you out the car.
"You're gonna be okay tonight?" He asks as he stands close to you like he did earlier.
"Yes," you manage to say, your eyes trying to stay focused on his eyes and not his lips that are just inches away. "Thank you for coming. I really, really appreciate it."
"I hope your heart heals, ___. You deserve that more than anyone."
You nod in response and are unable to stop yourself from hugging him again. It's different this time as you don't have your sobs to distract you. It's just you and him and warm breaths and years of history in between. It's raw and tight and holds so many things unsaid that neither of you would realize.
You pull away first before you become possessed to do anything more, and you realize once again just how close you two are, with his nose and eyelashes and soft, thin lips staring back at you.
He bids you goodbye and you walk back to your villa. You lay in bed and keep his jacket close, hoping that his scent and the love he once had for you would stay with you a little while longer.