warnings: references to kidnap, SA, drug misuse and OD
again, didn't mean to make this so emotional, seriously, get ready :')
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fifty one
spencer
Spencer pulled away first, only because he needed air. And from Adira's gasps so did she. He rested his forehead on hers affectionately. They stayed in silence for a minute as they caught their breath.
"I - I was going to go to a meeting tonight." Spencer said softly, breaking the silence.
"O-okay." Spencer watched her bite her lip. They opened the space in between them. "Could, uh - would you mind, if - if I came with you?"
Spencer knew he looked slightly taken aback. He was. He had recommended them to Adira when she was in hospital, but he hadn't expected her to come to one - he had hoped she would. "O-of course." He stuttered.
"Only if that's okay, obviously. I don't want to interrupt or make you feel uncomfortable with me being there or anything-"
"Adira," Spencer said softly, placing his hand to her cheek again. She leant into his touch. "You don't need to ask me before you do things. I think it would be great if you came."
She smiled. "Sorry, force of habit I guess."
"It's okay." He thought about adding an 'I understand' but ultimately decided against it. He took a deep breath, "I'm just going to get changed and then we can go? It starts at half eight."
"Okay. I'll text my mom, otherwise you'd no doubt get a panicked call and so would Agent Hotchner. And probably the whole of the Virginia police departments." She said, half joking, half serious.
Spencer laughed lightly and went into his room. He knew he could go in just his shirt, everyone else there would be in similar attire but he always felt the need to go in the clothes he would wear to work. It helped him associate the better feelings with what happened in that environment; his clothes served as a physical connection to work which was a connection with Tobias that he had to face every day, therefore, if he was able to remind his brain of what it felt like to be calm when he was connected to that physical connection then it would slowly become easier to distance himself from those memories and work, and therefore, the urges to use. It made sense to him. Kathryn nodded along when he told her about it but he could tell she wasn't really sure.
"You ready?" He asked Adira as he came out of his bedroom, adjusting his tie.
She turned around smiled at him. She mouthed 'One sec', he apologized silently as he realised she was still on the phone.
"Mom, I'm 24! Yes I'm with Spencer...No, we're just going out for a bit...Yes. Yep. Okay, I will. I love you too. Speak to you soon. Love you bye." She hung up the phone and turned around, "She's trying to do this thing where she's not as involved."
"How's it going?" Spencer laughed. He led her to the door, holding open for her.
"Oh terribly." She laughed too. "But we've both got to learn that I've got to get out there sometime. I spent three and half years locked in one place, I'm not spending the next three locked at home."
Spencer locked his door behind him, double checking it before he followed Adira down the stairs.
"Well she knows you're with an FBI agent."
"Do you ever get tired of saying you work for the FBI? Because I wouldn't. Like you can actually tell people you're an FBI agent and not be lying."
The place where the meeting was held was only a ten minute walk and it was still quite warm, the rain had stopped - finally. So they silently decided to walk there. Adira just followed Spencer to the road, her hand finding his. Neither of them reacted or even really realised, Spencer just gripped his back affectionately.
He laughed, as did she. "It is very fun to say. I do like to let people know I'm a doctor, not an Agent."
She laughed again. "As you should, Doctor Reid."
They both enjoyed this glimpse into normality. There was no Tobias Hankel and there was no Lucas Shawbridge. It was just Spencer Reid and Adira Alcott.
"I used to want to join the FBI, you know?" Adira asked rhetorically.
"Really?"
"Yeah. I was majoring in Health Care in college. My minor was in psychology, believe it or not. Ironic, I know."
"What did you want to do?"
She shrugged sadly. "I just wanted to help people. And now, after everything, I think I just want to help people even more."
"Do you remember Agent Jareau?" Spencer asked. He looked down at her, just to make sure she was okay to keep going with the conversation.
"Yeah. I met her properly in the hospital."
"She's our communication liaison. But she also works a lot with the families of victims. But within the FBI we also have Agents who work directly with the families, even after their cases have been solved and our books have closed them. They also work with survivors." Spencer said gently.
She looked up at him, her eyebrows furrowed. "What? You think I could do that?"
"What did you get on your SATs?"
"1500."
Spencer smiled at her proudly. She smiled the same smile. "Yeah. I think you could definitely do that. You'd have to go back to college and earn your degree but after that, if it's something you really wanted to consider, I know Hotch would happily put a good word in for you."
They arrived at the front doors of the small building. A distant, hazy look glazed over Adira's eyes for a minute. "I'll think about it. Maybe I could talk to Agent Jareau?"
"I'm sure she'd love that."
Adira smiled at him but Spencer could still see that distant look in her eyes. So he decided to leave it for now. He squeezed her hand. "Ready?"
She nodded. But the tight hold that she had on Spencer's hand told him otherwise. He guided her through to the main hall. There was a circle of chairs and a small cart at the side of the room with coffee, tea and a large variety of biscuits.
A woman with grey hair greeted them at the door.
"Spencer. It's nice to see you again." She turned to Adira. "I'm Freya." She greeted politely.
"Adira." But there was something in Adira's voice, and something in Freya's, that indicated that they were both aware that Freya knew who Adira was.
"Have you ever been to a meeting before, Adira?" Freya asked politely. She was a lovely woman; kind, welcoming - motherly. She had been kind to Spencer when he had needed it most.
"N-no. But it's just how it looks on TV." She joked.
Freya laughed. "Yes. It is." She guided them into the room. Spencer had seen all of the faces before, bar one. "We're about ready to start. Would either of you like anything from our cart of goodies first?"
"No, thank you."
"No, I'm okay."
They replied. They had not let go of the other's hand.
"Shall we get started." Freya said, it wasn't so much a question as it was an instruction. The last few people took their seats, including Spencer and Adira. They, of course, sat next to each other.
"Hello, everyone." Freya started. "We have two new faces this week. There is no pressure to say anything, you speak as much or as little as you like. Okay?" She asked gently. Adira and the other woman nodded gratefully. "So, would anybody like to start?"
Spencer listened intently as one man stood up first - his name was Darren; he was a 34 year old ex-banker who had developed an opioid addiction. He had lost everything - his house, his wife, his two children. He was two weeks clean today. The second person to stand up was a 19 year old woman - Rhea. She had, as she described it, 'fallen in with the wrong crowd'. She had become addicted to heroin and cocaine. She burst into tears as she told the group how she had relapsed during the week after she had gone home and her parents had refused to have her back.
Spencer made sure to periodically look over at Adira, just to make sure she was okay. She looked up at him and offered him a sad, teary smile. It was hard, the first time at these meetings was always the hardest. You were surrounded by people from all walks of life and all of them had one thing in common - they had had the misfortune to find a release that wasn't understood by everyone. Spencer often had to resist the urge to spout out the facts about the key role that genetics plays in addiction and how addiction needed to be classed as a genuine mental health problem but to society, they just saw men and women crawling around the streets begging for money for their next fix.
When, in reality, it was the father who counted your money at the bank, or it was the woman who bagged your grocery's, or it was the teenage girl who had just wanted to fit in with a new group of friends. Or it was the FBI agent who was hunting serial killers and psychopaths but had put the needs and safety of others before his own. Or it was the twenty four year old woman who was just trying to feel something that wasn't pain and fear.
Spencer coughed once and then stood up. He grasped at Adira's hand as he did so, she held tightly as she watched him intently.
"My name is Spencer."
A chorus of 'Hi, Spencer' spread around the circle.
"And I was addicted to Dilaudid. And I have been clean for 63 days." Adira looked at him, tears of pride pooling in her eyes. Spencer looked at her. He had no idea what it was exactly that encouraged him to say his next words, but he knew it was something to do with Adira. "573 days ago I was - I was taken hostage by a serial killer that I had been trying to catch."
'Yep, jump straight into the deep end, Spencer.' His brain teased him sarcastically. As much as he wanted to, he couldn't look at Adira because he knew the second he did, he would break.
"He held me for two days. He wasn't well, the man who took me. He thought he was helping me when he - he gave me dilaudid. That was all it took. After that I was gone." He took a deep breath, "I - I had completely lost sight of the person I used to be and I thought he - he was gone. But I - I was lucky enough to have people around who were there to support me when I asked for help. I know that I was one of the lucky ones and I will always be grateful for that."
Spencer finally looked down at Adira. There were silent tears streaming down her face but not once did she let go of Spencer's hand.
"I think that's why I keep going. Partly. I do it for myself and for the people in my life," He squeezed Adira's hand and watched as fresh tears streamed down her face and it was only then that he realised he was crying too. "But I also do it for those who never got the chance." He smiled politely and then sat down. There was a moment of silence.
"That was beautiful, Spencer." Freya said. Most people expressed their agreement verbally, others just nodded.
Adira squeezed his hand, he turned his head to look at her. She wiped the tears that had stained his cheeks gently. She smiled warmly at him, contrasting the tears that stained her own cheeks.
"Thank you."
"What for?" Spencer asked slowly.
"For saving my life."
They both knew the power behind those words. His mind thought back to the hospital and their last conversation before she was discharged. There was nothing more for Spencer to say.
A couple more people stood up and said how there week had gone. A couple of people asked for advice and the group helped them as best as they could.
"Thank you. We're coming to the end, is there anyone else that would like to say anything before we wrap up today?" Freya asked gently, her eyes going round the group.
Adira coughed, just as Spencer did, and then stood up on her visibly shaking legs. "H-hi." Her voice came out in a croak. "My - my name is Adira. I - I can tell that some of you recognize me." She smiled, to let those who did recognize her know that it was okay, she didn't mind. It's not like any of them could help it. "Uh - I was held captive for one thousand two hundred and eighty nine days and when I came home I was - well, I was given a lot of medication. I was - I was," She stuttered, her voice growing thick with tears. Spencer squeezed her hand reassuringly, "I was addicted to diazepam and morphine." A short cry broke through her lips unexpectedly. "I'm sorry. I've just never said that out loud before."
Everyone was watching her intently, including Spencer.
"Today, the man who - who did this to me was sentenced to well, funnily enough, it's nearly one thousand two hundred years in prison. If - if you take one hundred years as being the maximum for a life sentence. And today, today I had this feeling; for a whole conversation I forgot. I just forgot who he was, who I was. And I thought it'd feel wrong and I'd feel this odd, twisted sense of guilt but, I didn't. Because I know that for the rest of his life he is going to endure exactly what I did."
She looked down at Spencer. "When I was in there he killed 4 women, and I saw one of them. So, I would like to agree with Spencer. I am doing this for those who never got the chance."
She smiled politely and sat down. Spencer mirrored her actions from early, he wiped her eyes gently.
Freya ended the meeting; she encouraged those who needed to, to reach out to their sponsors and that she would be back next week but Lloyd (her husband) would be running the meeting in between.
She caught up with Spencer and Adira on the way out.
"Thank you for coming, Adira. Spencer. You should both be proud of yourselves."
"Thank you." Adira said kindly. They all said their goodbyes.
The rain had started again, but just lightly. They walked back in a comfortable silence, just holding each other's hands and listening to the rain bounce off the puddles on the sidewalk.
They stopped by Adira's car.
"Are you sure you don't want to stay? Or I could drive you back?"
"No, no it's okay. I just want my own bed. Thank you, though - for offering."
Spencer nodded. Adira reached up and pulled his head down, gently, to her level. She placed a soft, long kiss on his lips. She pulled away.
As she spoke, he could feel her breath on his lips. "I believe in you, Spencer Reid."
"Even when I don't believe in myself."
. . . . . . . . . .
:')