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| SEASON OF LOVE |
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"Are you hungry?" Hope asked once they were in her car and headed to a location still undisclosed to Noelle.
"What?" Noelle asked as if she didn't understand the question.
"Are you hungry?" Hope repeated. "If you are, then we can eat first. If not, then we'll eat after."
"After what, exactly? Where are we going?"
"You don't want it to be a surprise?"
"No. I want to know where you're taking me."
"You used to trust me a lot more, you know," Hope teased.
"I used to do a lot of things. So, where are we going?"
"We're going to the ice-skating rink at Woodman Center. It's near Christmas, so I figured we could do something a bit more festive and fun. I'm in the holiday spirit this year."
"We can eat after," Noelle said. "And I didn't think you'd have me doing physical activity, but then again, it's you. I never know what to expect when it comes to you."
"You should know that already, though. I'm full of surprises."
"That you are, because no one was expecting you to come home this Christmas. You never even came home for breaks in college. You've only been home once since you left."
"Yeah," Hope sighed. "And I regret that. I really do. For a long time, I was angry. It stopped me from ever wanting to come back here."
"With me?" Noelle asked in a very quiet voice. "You were angry with me." She didn't ask it as a question because she was sure she already knew the answer.
"No," Hope shook her head. "Well... not really, anyway. At first, I thought I was angry with you. I convinced myself that I hated you for lying to me for months about how things would change. I thought I was angry because we were supposed to go to college together, just for you to break up with me weeks before we were supposed to leave. But as I matured and started to see the world for more than what the young, naive version of me thought it to be, I understood that I wasn't angry at you. I couldn't be."
"Hope, what are you talking about? I'm not understanding what you're saying."
"I'm saying that the world is a cruel place. You voiced your feelings and your fears to me many times, but I never listened. Well, I did listen, but I could never understand fully what you were so scared of. I thought I was angry with you for breaking up with me, but I should have been angry at the world for making you scared to be with me. And when I think back on it, I think that's what I was really angry about the whole time. I was never angry with you. I was angry that people like me... like us.. are made to feel that way at all."
"I deserve for you to be angry with me. I'm angry with myself. Yeah, we were young, but you were still so much more mature than I was at that age. You were willing to talk things out, even though I never wanted to talk. You were willing to meet me where I was. You were willing to give me the time I needed. You were patient with me. And even with all of that, I still fucked everything up. I think about it a lot, actually. That day."
"What day?"
"The... last day we spoke," Noelle said barely above a whisper.
"I try not to think about that day," Hope admitted. She said a lot of hurtful things to Noelle that day. She wanted her to hurt as much as she was when Noelle broke up with her. But what she didn't know at the time was that Noelle was just as, if not already more heartbroken about it than Hope was.
"That doesn't mean you don't still think about it. Because all these years later I still wish I could go back and do it all over again."
"What would you do differently?"
Noelle looked down at her hands in her lap. She was rubbing the pad of her right thumb across the knuckle of her left one. It was a small action, but it kept her calm enough to have this very uncomfortable conversation.
"What would I do differently?" Noelle repeated the question, using it to buy her more time to collect and formulate her thoughts. She's thought about what she'd do differently a million times, but she never thought she'd actually get the chance to say it aloud.
I would have told you how much I loved you. I would have told you that I didn't want to lose you. I would have held you close and kissed you. I would have told you that I just needed a little bit more time before I felt comfortable enough with myself to officially come out as a couple.
I would have told you that you were right. I was... I am ashamed of who I am. I'm not like you. I don't see the best the world has to offer. I can only seem to focus on the bad that happens to people like me— like us. I was scared.
I am scared...
But at that moment, sitting in a car with only the center console there to separate them, Noelle couldn't seem to get any of those words out.
"You don't have to answer that right now," Hope reassured her when there was nothing but a long moment of silence between them. There was music playing, but Noelle's brain had completely tuned it out.
"This is getting deep," Noelle mumbled. "I know I agreed that we would talk, but I didn't think you'd come out the gate swinging like this."
"You knew me at my worst. You knew me when I was an absolute menace," Hope glanced over at Noelle with a smirk on her face. "I've never been one to shy away from a conversation just because it's hard and uncomfortable to talk about. And it's been a long time coming. Don't act like you weren't expecting this."
"Unfortunately, you're right. But I'm gonna need a few drinks in me before we get into all of that. You said tonight would be fun."
"It will be. The night just started, after all."
"So," Noelle cleared her throat. "You said you're taking me ice skating?"
"Mhmm," Hope nodded her head.
"You finally learned how to skate?"
"I live in California. Of course not."
"Then why would you take me ice skating?"
"Because I remember you used to love going to the rink, and I'd always go with you even though I'm terrible at it."
"You were pretty terrible," Noelle tried not to laugh, but her lips still curved into a smile. "Sometimes I think you were faking being so bad so you'd have an excuse to hold onto me the whole time."
"I wasn't faking it, but I also never minded that you'd let me hold onto your waist to stabilize myself. Honestly, I don't know how you never realized I liked you. I made it so fucking obvious."
"I'm not sure. Maybe it was the fact that you had a girlfriend," Noelle said very teasingly.
"We were never serious. And I liked you way before I ever started dating her. I liked you before I knew what it even meant to like a girl. Before I knew what it meant to like anyone."
Noelle just silently nodded her head because it was the same exact way for her. She thought she'd liked boys before, but none of them ever made her feel the way she felt about Hope. She never got those butterflies in her stomach or the tingly feeling she felt around Hope.
"What about now?"
"Do I still like you?" Hope asked Noelle to clarify what exactly she meant by that. "Is that what you're asking me?"
"No," Noelle shook her head. Although she wanted an answer to that too, she wasn't sure she was ready to hear the truth. She would've been crushed if the answer were no, but she also wasn't prepared for Hope to say yes.
"Then what do you mean?"
"I'm asking if there's anyone special in your life now. Is there someone waiting for you when you get back home? Or... did you bring her with you?"
"Are you talking about Katherine? Oh, God no. She's just a really good friend of mine. There isn't anyone special in my life. Hasn't been for a long time. What about you, though?"
Noelle started laughing, and Hope looked over at her with a confused expression on her face as she continued driving.
"What's funny?" Hope asked.
"You," Noelle let out one final laugh. "Dwayne had to have told you. Why else do you think I'm staying at his house right now?"
"Dwayne told me you were staying with him for a little while, but he never told me the reason why. My mom, on the other hand..."
"Exactly, so you already know."
"I know my mom's interpretation," Hope corrected. "And as you know, Mama Nina is not the most reliable source for information. Because just like half of Riverlin, she also thinks you and Dwayne are getting a little too cozy."
"Oh my God," Noelle groaned. "Why does everyone think Dwayne and I have something going on?"
"I would too if I didn't know any better. And it's not like you try hard to prove them wrong."
"I was just engaged like two seconds ago. People really think I've moved on that quick?" Noelle's voice was laced with frustration. She's been defending her friendship with Dwayne for years, and yet people still think something more is going on. "Oh, and yeah, I was engaged by the way."
"To Mr. Perfect, as I've heard him described."
"No one is perfect. He has his flaws, but yeah, I guess he was pretty close to perfect as a human can get."
"So, what happened?"
"Me," Noelle laughed. It was awkward enough talking about why her engagement to quote on quote, Mr. Perfect, ended. It was even more awkward talking about it with the one and only person she'd ever truly been in love with. And in a situation like that, all Noelle could do was laugh. "It ended because of me. Because I clearly only know how to ruin good things for myself."
"Don't do that," Hope said very sternly.
"Do what?"
"That self-pity talk. Don't say that you only know how to ruin good things for yourself."
"But it's true. Every good thing I've had, I've ruined." And Noelle wasn't even talking about the on-again, off-again situationship she had with a girl in undergrad. She had the chance to really make something of the relationship if only she hadn't let her own fears and doubts cloud her mind yet again.
"So why don't you work on changing it?" Hope offered. "And that work comes from within. Shit won't change unless you do."
"I'm in the process of working on that," Noelle said in a very small voice. She's claimed to be working on it for a while now, but only recently had she started taking it seriously. This time she actually meant it.
"Okay, we can stop being deep now," Hope said once they finally pulled into the parking lot of the outdoor skating rink. "I promised tonight would be fun."
The ice-skating rink was set up in the middle of a small park. There were Christmas lights strung around the trees and light-up decorations that gave it a very festive feel. There were lights casting down onto the snow also, offering even more light because the sun sets earlier in the winter.
Hope backed into a spot and put the car in park. She reached into the center console and took out a pair of very fashionable, and probably very expensive leather gloves. She slipped them onto her fingers and fixed her coat on her body before turning off the engine and getting out of the car.
And because Noelle knew Hope would have gone around to open her door for her, she quickly gathered her things and got out before she got the chance. She didn't want Hope to do anything extra for her, especially since she wasn't sure she was at a point in her life where she could give her anything in return. After the bouquet of flowers, Noelle didn't want Hope to get the wrong idea about what was going on.
Hope, however, did not have that same thought process. Because the moment they met at the front of the car, Hope took Noelle's gloved hand in her own.
"You can't laugh if I fall on my ass," Hope said, quickly bringing Noelle's thoughts away from the fact that they were holding hands.
"I can't promise that. I'll definitely help you up and ask if you're okay, but I can't promise I won't laugh first."
"Damn, Elly, that's ruthless. How are you gonna laugh at my pain?"
"If it's funny, I can't help but laugh," Noelle shrugged. "I've always been bad at controlling that. Hopefully you don't get bruised up too bad."
"If I do, are you gonna take care of me?"
"Hope," Noelle couldn't help but laugh. "Can you ever be serious?"
"When the situation calls for it. Otherwise, no. I've never been good at being serious."
"Yeah, that's apparent. I guess some things really don't change, huh?"
"No," Hope said in a much softer voice. She squeezed Noelle's hand a bit tighter—a gesture that she noticed but chose not to comment on. "Some things don't ever change..."
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| SEASON OF LOVE |
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