It was a beautiful day. well it would've been if it weren't the start of my sophomore year of high-school. I was going to be in my old van again, i was as excited and nervous as the next kid. The days went by and i felt that high-school may not be as bad as i had it cut out for. I had been day-dreaming about my crush but i stopped when i realized that he was a player and extremely moody. This was when he noticed me because apparently not noticing someone makes them notice you. Hallelujah.
Eventually he became disrespectful to me and would call me prostitute or slut. He would grab my covering pulling it across my neck hard enough to leave marks burning for a long time later. Furthermore He smoked and would throw cigarette buds at me and it didn't help my situation that he was in my van. Each day he would harass me and say things like can i rape you?let's gang rape her. At times he would target my home by saying it was a whore-base. Eventually though i got used to this and his bad-boy behavior got me wrapped around his finger. His moods unfortunately were ever changing, he would sing to me at times or throw pick-up-lines like i want to have world war three in bed with you.
One day he sat next to me and encouraged by his needs and his friends in our van he cornered me in our van and slowly unbuttoned his shirt. Then he took it off. He pushed his chest against his face with me crying all the time. I held on to a rod so that one thing would stay stable in my life when everything was crumbling apart. It didn't end there. I would close my eyes and his friends would throw his shirt and other pieces of his clothing at me shouting oh shit those were his pants and oh shit that was his underwear. These words don't really describe the terror in me. Since i had my eyes closed the entire time i didn't even know what was exactly happening but i could feel it. I cant even remember everything that happened but i remember screaming and i remember not recognizing my own scream . It would happen each day. their voices are with me to this day. you know the funny thing of all this? i still loved him. You know what else? i was virgin to all these ideas and for a long time i thought he had raped me. that was the scary part. Everyone in my van saw it happen. the girls thought i was over-reacting and the guys called me a slut. i became defined in my school by that incident but i can't really blame others for defining me by that incident since up till now i have allowed that one incident to define my entire life. i would think for a long time that i had deserved it but i was wrong. You don't get what you deserve, you get what you get. Just that.
All through my sophomore year every-time i passed people would look at me in a patronizing fashion, call me ugly or a prostitute; guys in my class would give me money around 5$ as a joke. The teachers gpt to know about the rumors and believed in them. My best friend believed in a guy who was one year smaller than us when he shouted in his class (My name) goes to shops and says 'i'm a sexy bitch date me'. she would leave innuendos hanging in the air indirectly calling me desperate and ugly. she stole many of my friends. Defending myself against her claims was hard because her reputation was so spotless no-one would believe me.
Obviously though going through this much wasn't enough for me and i tried to be mother Theresa when i heard a 'friend' of mine call her best friend a desperate slut and saying (when i told her to think before saying something) that i should just shut up since i'm one too. I decided to tell her best friend since i know what it feels like to be back-stabbed. Unfortunately no-one believed me and no-one supported me, my 'friend' came in our van really pissed and yelled you know what? no-one likes you. Your friends hate you. Your parents hate you. You should just go kill yourself. I know your mentally unstable and you're a dumb girl but don't you ever dare to fuck up my life again. It wouldn't have hurt so much if her words hadn't hit so close to home.
I had by now given up and day after day i was self harming. I began feeling as if everyone hated me. My crush had taken to calling me a whore and saying ugh i would never date a whore like you. There were eighteen guys with who i had rumors. My crush threw ketchup on my hair even though he knew that ketchup was my biggest fear. Then i found out a girl of our batch was getting cyber-bullied so as to defend her i joined a group of beliebers so i could help her there but i ended up joining the wrong group and then i got cyber-bullied A LOT But i didn't care about that since i merely blocked them. A certain person who i was obligated to would relentlessly verbally abuse me and physically abuse the person he himself was obligated. Then began the anxiety attacks, the hyper-ventilation, the mood changing and the numbness. I began overdosing instead of self-harming. My 'complications concerning life' began not only harming my mental health but my physical health as i grew thinner and thinner and was constantly visiting doctors. I would walk by and people would be objectifying my body saying damn man, 'your' girl is fit and some other things i didn't care to dwell on for long. My personal diary was invaded by someone from our van who read it out loud emphasizing every word in it. That was the first and last time i slapped someone. After slapping him i began crying and i just broke down right there in the van. I had had enough by then. my thoughts were the one thing which were still my own and even those had now been placed forward to be laughed at.A guy took a photo of a girl who was in an awkward and 'dirty' position. This girl looked exactly like me and guess what? He constantly threatened me saying he was going to upload it on face-book and ruin my life......Annoying. Just plain annoying.
Then came my sophomore year which was over-all not that bad. It was my 'best' year actually. My crush left our van along with my 'friend'. However a new addition was made in our van who sadly developed feelings for me. I have never in my life come across a guy who was more disrespectful of a girl's body than him. I had spaced out and the wind was blowing really hard. He stood up in the back-seat, looked inside my shirt and YELLED (my name) is wearing black. The funny part is i got to know about this one week later. What he did may not have been that bad according to some people but what he really did was allow others to treat me the same way. People would constantly pester me asking what color my bra was. It disgusted me how some people found it funny.
When my family found out that i was being bullied the next thing i knew the bullying was doubled because my brothers began mocking me saying you're dumb, you act so strong but you come home after getting beat up and you know what you deserved it.
Strangers in my joint school studies would disrespect me and then when one day the disrespecting nature of their behavior got too much for me, i came home and began cutting again. I was so sick of no-one standing up for me and i took a pin and scratched again and again till blood started to drip from my arm.
The next day it got infected. I didn't even realize it but when i did i started freaking out because the infection was really bad and my friend whose mother is a doctor told me i would have to get a shot. I went to my biology sir and he was really concerned and helped me a lot. He told me it had gotten too much and i should go to a clinic and have it checked out but my tears began welling up in my eyes and so he advised me to clean it daily and put poly-fax on it. Wiki-how helped a lot as well. I would go from article to article and the infection kept getting worse. Finally though i ended up healing it. That was the second last time i self-harmed. In total by then i had 30+ cuts on my arm and some on my stomach.
It didn't really end there. Hang on fairy god mother. We'll get through it. Just six more months left. A friend on mine entered into my alliance. Yes, in my school there weren't groups but 'alliances'. I was as happy as i could be till she got angry at me for talking to someone who was not part of our 'alliance'. Needless to say she attacked me on face-book's private messaging. She called me a hypocrite saying you know what (my name) I've been through a lot. i'm still trying to get over how you bullied me and you keep saying sorry for bullying me the last few years but you know what you're always going to be a bully and for what it's worth you are a complete bitch and a hypocrite. Yes, i had bullied her by name-calling for a long time the last few years in middle school. i hadn't known any better and i kept trying to let go of that but no matter what i do i'm always going to remain a bully. Apparently it sticks with you. I cut her off because what she had said; She knew i was sensitive most about that and she had used it to her advantage. well done.
Four months before our year ended our batch's it guy took an interest in me. Alas he and i weren't so close so he came up to me with the only topic he could find to talk to me. Some time before his interest, i became very good friends with a boy who had an interest in me but i still stayed with him as a friend even though his best friend had warned me to stay away from him because i was asking for trouble. I thought nothing of it till my friend began eyeing me in the 'wrong' places but oh well, hormonal teens....we all know the feeling. However much to my trust he sent me a private message which said accept my request so i can find out your phone number, address and come to rape you. So anyhow the 'it guy of our batch' would pester me about him constantly, shout in our class with the teacher present that i was a virgin and say are you sure you're a virgin? i heard (my friend) isn't......i'm confused about yours. I found this revolting.
But from all these 'incidents' i came to realize some very. Once a bully always a bully. You can't expect others to stand up for you if you can't even stand up for yourself. Furthermore we accept the love we think we deserve.
The most important lesson i learnt was that you can't expect others to love you if you can't even love yourself. I love myself more than ever now...........what's not to love?