This was too much. Minerva asked too much to think I could have even a portrait of Snape in my house. I swiped violently at my tears and running nose, ashamed of my emotional outburst. I knew I'd be no better than him if I held onto our history but it was complex and still angered me that he should have treated me so badly just because my dad had the audacity to marry the girl Snape loved, even though she fell in love with my father.
'Harry,' Minerva sat down beside me, a hand resting gently on my hunched over back as I sat with my head in my hands. 'I'm sorry.... I didn't know...'
'No one knew, in the end it was just me and Albus Dumbledore who knew. I shouldn't have said anything. But you understand why this idea won't work. There's too much complex history between us. I still can't fathom my way around it all. I'm not sure I even want to.'
'But you declared Severus a hero.'
'Because he is. He did more than anyone, he hid more than anyone, his situation was more dangerous than anyone's. But that doesn't make it okay. I've had three years to unpick it all and I've come to the realisation that it doesn't turn six hellish years at his hands into something bearable. He demeaned me, he undermined my confidence, he bullied me, in front of everyone and in private, and then blamed my father. Every. Time. I am not my father. He was an adult, in a position of responsibility. No teacher should ever do that to a child that they teach. And I wasn't the only one either. People talked about his fairness but where? He openly favoured Slytherins, turned a blind eye to their misdemeanours and constantly derided anyone from Gryffindor. Why... because it was some petty vengeance on my father's dead soul?'
'He's right... about it all...' Snape's voice reached us from outside. 'For which I'm truly sorry.' His deep voice held a profound element of sorrow that stopped me in my tracks. 'It is unforgiveable behaviour.'
'I know that you had to play a part,' I said, looking through the open doors at him. 'I understand you had to appear irreproachable to Voldemort and, if anyone should be spying on you, it had to be clear that you weren't favouring me or treating me as special. That's not what I'm saying. But you could have just ignored me. Pretended I wasn't there. I don't know. Anything but that... I was just a kid who didn't understand your hatred... it was so personal because it was so wrapped up in your history with my parents... a history from before I was even born... yet all those years later you still held onto it and took it out on me. Do you remember? Do you remember telling everyone I was taking Remedial classes... or vanishing my potions just because... or sneering at me, demeaning me, mocking me... or blaming me for something or another... or trying to get me banned from Quidditch... accusing me of stealing from your stores when I hadn't... and what of your bullying of other students who weren't your precious Pureblood Slytherins... the list goes on and on...'
'Minerva, would you mind bringing me inside, please?' said Snape.
I waited. We both did. Minerva placed the portrait opposite me again and then moved away to the kitchen sink and began washing up the cups, much to Mellie's indignation. Snape and I just watched each other warily.
'You are right,' he said eventually. 'I could have played it differently. I should have played it differently. I hung onto too much of the past and made it personal and that was wrong. We all do things we regret and I deserve your anger.' He sighed heavily.
'Why did you have to hold onto it all? I mean, you act like the Marauders only lived to bully you but honestly, I can't even fathom how they had time beyond standing up when you yourself stood out as a bully. And you were a bully back then too. You weren't innocent in all this. Besides, they had enough on their plates with Remus's monthly transformations, studying, Quidditch, making maps, becoming animagi. Dad and Remus were Head Boy and a Prefect. They were training because there was a war going on. And they must have had personal lives; surviving, living, loving, being happy. I'm not naïve enough to believe they're innocent either but I cannot believe they had no other existence beyond bullying poor Severus Snape. Someone who proclaimed his innocence twenty years later but all through this, still invented lovely little dark spells and fantasised about being a Half-Blood Prince, openly hated Muggleborns and actively tried to get the Marauders expelled. And was well on the way to becoming a Death-Eater by the age of fifteen—'
'You don't understand my home life, Harry. It was difficult—'
'So fucking what! You know what my home life was like too. I'm not saying I was perfect but fuck...' I took a deep breath and sighed. 'What was it you told me in fifth year, Snape? Let me remind you: "it may have escaped your notice, but life isn't fair". Great thing to tell an abused kid whose been told he has one sole purpose in life, that is, one sole purpose, deemed by others—not me because remember, I didn't ask to be fucking The Chosen One, even though you treated me like I did. But there I was, told in no uncertain terms that I had to kill the most powerful wizard in a "him or me" scenario. You think I didn't know life's unfair? We have to make the most of what we've got otherwise it eats away at us. But I guess that's what happened. You held onto every slight and let bitterness eat your heart away. Because this isn't just about the petty grudge you bore against my dad, even after he saved your life; because you proceeded to still take it out on Remus and Sirius years later – I mean, you made a group of children write essays on how to kill a werewolf... that Remus then had to mark. You literally said, "I'll drag the werewolf, perhaps the Dementors will have a kiss for him too". You then got him sacked by exposing a private health condition, someone who was already experiencing enough job discrimination because of that bloody bitch Umbridge. You refused to listen to Sirius's explanation even though he was being compliant and then lost it when you couldn't send two innocent men to prison or receive the Order of Merlin for your efforts. And you continued to wind Sirius up afterwards when you knew he couldn't leave Grimmauld Place. It wasn't the reason that Sirius went to the Ministry that night but it was certainly a contributing factor. You egged him on by demeaning him and telling him he was worthless while you were so important and wonderful. You chose to behave this way... for decades...'
'I know,' Snape said slowly, but he refused to make eye contact with me. 'I'm not proud of who I became...'
'Tell me,' I demanded, 'did you know that Peter Pettigrew was the traitor who got my parents killed? I mean, you must of known Pettigrew joined Voldemort out of fear for his own life. You were in the inner circle...'
'Yes,' he admitted quietly.
'So that behaviour when Sirius came to the school because Pettigrew was there was all that bit worse on your part.'
'I know.'
'Did you tell Albus Dumbledore when Pettigrew joined Voldemort?'
'Yes.'
'So the both of you let Sirius rot in hell for twelve years, simply for the "greater good" and to protect your position as a spy. Meanwhile, I lived out my childhood being abused by a family you knew hated magic? I could have been given a family but you both took that away from me and chose not to speak up about it...'
'Yes.'
'I suppose that at least it confirms my suspicions. I feel surprisingly calm about the fact, maybe because it doesn't surprise me.'
I sighed heavily and neither of us spoke. There wasn't anything to say. What could we say?
'So how do we get past all this?' I said, my temper completely fallen away.
'By you finding it in your heart to accept my apology. Because I am truly sorry, Harry, you deserved better from me. Please don't hold on to the bitterness too. You're more than that. You always have been'
'I know my forgiving you is wrapped up in the baggage relating to my mum and dad. I know it's not all bad. I know how much you did too; that you saved my life on more than one occasion. I still remember how you stood between us and werewolf Remus to protect us. The list is long. That's why it's all so conflicting. Just when I think okay, I can get over this, I remember your treatment. And of other students too. And what about them. Your constant deriding of Hermione because what...? She was a Gryffindor? My best friend? A girl? A Muggleborn? "An insufferable know-it-all"? You called a second-year student that and took house points away from her instead of nurturing talent. And what about that awful comment about her teeth when Draco hexed her and you sent Goyle off to the infirmary but said to Hermione you couldn't see the difference in her appearance. Or Neville, when you told him you would feed his failed potion to his toad, with what we all knew would be fatal results, just to teach him a lesson. Neville, who was young and innocent and struggling in life because he was using his father's wand and from constantly gaslighted into believing he was hapless. Did you know he was given that toad by his uncle for being good enough at magic to get into Hogwarts? And you wanted to kill it... to teach him a lesson for not being good enough at magic... you weren't fucking fit to be a teacher. Tell me, why would I want to learn off you?'
'I know, Harry,' Snape said, his head bowed. 'It's unforgiveable behaviour and I need to seek clemency from others too. Perhaps you have already learnt from my mistakes. I have no doubts you'd make a fair and just teacher.'
I was surprised by that admission. 'And you think this can work?' I said.
'I do. Perhaps you don't need my practical knowledge but I can help you with your lesson planning. I can mentor you. I can give you advise with setting essays and marking... I can even sit in on your classes. I would like to help you... as Minerva says, make amends in what little way I can...'
I had to admit, this offered a solution to some of my concerns.
Minerva came and sat down with us again having been shooed away by Mellie.
'One of my concerns is my age. I'll be teaching students I know, some barely three years younger than me. Many who were at the school at the same time as me. How can I command respect in that sort of situation...?'
They both looked at me, with mirrored raised eyebrows.
I shook my head vehemently. 'Do not dare to even suggest "because I'm Harry Potter". Life doesn't work like that and there will be some whose parents I have fought against, maybe even sat on the Wizengamot and helped put them in Azkaban. There will be some who just don't care or worse, will think it a challenge to try and upset my classes.'
'There are always problematic students, Harry,' Minerva said. 'But they are surprisingly few and it is up to us to learn to deal with them as individuals and to help them find their way.'
'You taught the Weasley twins, Harry. You are more than capable of dealing with snotty little brats who think they're better than everyone else in the world.'
I shook my head, once more seriously doubting whether Snape should have ever been put in front of class full of kids, no matter his genius at potions.
'I want to pass my Potions N.E.W.T. next Autumn, with the retakes,' I said, narrowing my eyes at him. 'And I want you to teach me. Not Horace Slughorn.'
'Why?' said Snape and Minerva at the same time.
'First, I can't attend any classes with the students and then be expected to teach them. I can't publicly be a student and a teacher. That won't work. And this needs to be a private matter. Second, you both know it compliments my subject. I need to pass my Herbology, Transfiguration, and Charms N.E.W.T.s too for the same reasons, though maybe those wait until the summer. And third, I want to know if you can actually teach me to the same standard as your notes in your Advanced Potions book without being an absolute tosser towards me. Call it a chance to redeem yourself.'
Minerva and I looked at Snape.
He rolled his eyes but acquiesced with a nod and a small twitch of his lips. It looked odd to see him nearly smile 'I will teach you Charms too. You can take both in November.'
'Okay. One thing settled. Next, I don't want to stay in the school,' I added.
'Pardon?' said Minerva.
'I imagine that all young teachers at a school will face a certain problem of some students looking at them in certain way...' I said obliquely.
Snape rolled his eyes. 'I never had such concerns...' he mumbled.
'I think you misunderstand me. There are huge issues with my current levels of fame, even after being away. Maybe more so after being away. I'm not revelling in it, I'm not saying I'm the most desirable man on this planet, but it does bring those complications. The Press and Ministry insist on putting my name on the front page of the papers every other day for some reason or another or celebrating what I've done in some tedious and banal way from one week to the next, even after all this time. People only see the fame or only see the deeds and I've received an awful lot of unwanted attention since I got back, despite trying to shy away from the public eye. The last thing I want is some sixth former, or younger, knocking on my bedroom door late at night with one thing on their mind. It's clearly inappropriate and just plain awkward.'
'That can be arranged. Not all teachers are residential,' said Minerva. 'We can set up the Floo from here to your office at the school. Is there a preference as to whereabouts in the school you teach?'
'Not in the dungeons. I need to be able to open the windows. Preferably, I'd like somewhere where I can open classroom doors and we can spill outside if I want to. I imagine that I would like to teach duelling at some stage, that would be better in the grounds, if the weather permits.'
'I can accommodate you in the Quadrangle. Any other requests or questions?'
'You mentioned a Curse Breakers N.E.W.T.'
'Yes. It may be possible that we offer it next year. We won't be ready in September and options have already been chosen. We've started looking at the syllabus. Would you be interested in teaching it?'
'Would that work, would there be time?'
'Yes. That is completely possible because it's only at N.E.W.T. level. I'll send you the notes and perhaps you might wish to study it next year, as a test of the course.'
'Just a few things to take on then. What about my salary?'
'I'll send you a letter with the final figures, the Governors may want an interim salary until you're qualified but once that is the case, it will be in the region of 6500 galleons per annum. More if you take on additional duties.'
I nodded, wondering how it was I seemed to have accepted the job without realising it.
'The biggest challenge will be Snape and I working together,' I said wryly.
'Severus,' he said quietly. 'My given name is Severus and you may address me as such going forward. Seeing as you've always had such issues addressing me as Professor.' There was a twinkle in his black eyes and I thought that just maybe this might not be so mad after all.
***