Our little party turned to talking in smaller groups and Teddy returned to playing with his digger and the gravel.
Draco said, 'I didn't realise, about the crowds, I'm sorry. And I was pushing the party too.'
'Maybe it's a good thing. Like Pansy says, maybe I need to face my fears and realise they're not actually as bad as I'm imagining. That's the problem with anxiety, isn't it? It can be so crippling and crushing that it stops you from doing anything. Little steps, Draco. I'm taking little steps. Well, this is huge for me. But it's good too. I can see it's not threatening. And we've laughed, it's fun having you all here. I need to recognise that.'
'But you've been going into the Ministry and doing all those Press things,' said Hermione.
'Yeah. I'm just really good at pretending but it's bloody uncomfortable and exhausting and I really have to focus on my breathing. I completely lost all words the other day after someone asked me about going into the Forest to face Voldemort alone. I just had to leave the stage. I managed to get home before the panic really kicked in. Willow and Ziggy help; unwitting therapy cats. I've told Kingsley I don't want to do anymore Press Releases like that. I'll do a one-to-one if necessary but not the big room full of all these journalists firing questions at me. It feels too aggressive, like I'm under attack again.'
'Harry, you should see someone,' Ron said. 'It helps.' He took Hermione's hand and gave it a squeeze and I watched them look at each other fondly.
'How are you going to cope with the Gala?' said Hermione, her voice full of concern.
I shrugged. 'I'm going with Luna,' I nodded towards my lovely friend who was listening in. 'You really help. You guessed a long time ago that I was struggling and why.'
'I'm Harry's go-to,' Luna chipped in cheerfully, 'for when neither of us have dates. Harry always makes me feel like an angel when I go to these functions with him so I feel less unusual. Harry bought me my dress this time so it means that I'll be wearing the right outfit...'
Ron and Hermione smiled.
I did too. 'That's because you are an angel and you deserve the dress. And it's still unique and you. Otherwise you wouldn't be my lovely Luna Lovegood.'
'It's very beautiful,' she said distractedly.
'Are you two dating?' asked Lavender.
'Oh no,' said Luna. 'We're just friends.'
'I got an invitation too but I don't know...' Lavender said.
'You must come, Lavender,' insisted Luna. 'You deserve to dress up and feel good about yourself and dance and laugh with your friends.'
'I would be on my own.'
'You and me both,' said Draco.
'What about Astoria?' said Pansy.
I felt Draco's back stiffen beside me in that way it did when anyone mentioned her.
'Firstly, my darling-betrothed is only seventeen and has not been invited to the function due to her age, what with it being an over-18s only. Secondly, I have no desire to be out and about with a seventeen-year-old on a date. It feels very wrong to me. Thirdly, I have not asked Astoria because... well... I don't particularly like her. I can only hope she'll grow on me, figuratively speaking. I believe I am saved from the social indecorum of attending an official function without her because her family are currently abroad.'
'You only sound a little bitter about it, darling,' Pansy said.
'Only a little? It must be all the practice I'm getting at pretending everything about this arranged marriage is fine.'
'I think we'd all sound like Dray if we were put in his situation,' said Blaise.
'Probably,' said Pansy sadly.
I agreed, I couldn't imagine being told that was my future, let alone at our age. And I clearly wasn't the only one. There were a few stunned faces around the circle.
'Fucking allegiances and all that bullshit,' Draco snapped out suddenly.
'Language,' I muttered when Teddy looked up at his second-cousin.
'You should tell your father,' said Blaise.
'I can't,' Draco said. 'I'm bloody twenty-one years old, I'm supposed to be a man, yet I still can't stand up to my father and tell him the truth... Still, at least I can do this...'
Draco stood up and crossed the little circle and bowed formally before Lavender, before holding out his hand. She took his hand and he held it gently. 'Lavender Brown, if you can forgive me my past, I would be delighted if you would do me the honour of accompanying me to the Ministry Gala Dinner on Friday 31st July in celebration of our friend Harry's birthday. I'm sorry it won't be as a formal date, seeing as I'm betrothed to be married and everything, but I'd still be delighted, as a friend, I hope...'
'Oh,' she said, slightly breathlessly. 'Thank you. Yes...'
'And I would be utterly grateful, if not indebted to you, if I might have the first dance of the night with you.'
'I would be delighted,' she said with a smile that lit up her face.
He bowed again, lifted her hand to his lips and kissed, before releasing it with one of his charming smiles that had been so rare since third year. He turned away then to come back to sit down next to me.
It was, at that moment precisely, as I watched him make Lavender smile in joy and helped her feel accepted for who she was, that I knew I was hopelessly in love with the sod and probably had been for a very long time. I sighed. I'd have to get over it. What with him being betrothed to be married and everything.
'I suppose I ought to be thinking about lunch for everyone,' I said heavily, getting up and reaching down to pick Teddy up.
'We'll all help,' said Ron and I got the feeling he was keen to avoid more gardening tasks.
'I don't know what to do,' I said.
'How about we make a huge bowl of salad and cook up a load of bacon or mushroom butties,' said Hermione. 'I'm craving mushrooms.'
'Yes!' said Ron and Blaise, almost at the same time. They grinned at each other and everyone else all stood and we made our way back down the garden to the house.
I had to nip out and clear out the local corner shop of bacon and mushrooms but Mellie had been baking fresh bread all morning and lunch was certainly welcomed.
As Neville got everyone back to work and as Teddy had his afternoon nap, I sneaked away and hid in the Snug, deciding that Willow and Ziggy definitely needed my attention. We stood at the window, them crawling all over me and snuggling in for cuddles and purring loudly as I watched the groups of people slowly clearing and cleaning the flag stones and flower beds. Flat lawn areas had already been seeded by Dusty and he was working his magic. And when Neville wasn't looking, Dusty would rearrange the bushes and flowers that had been planted and put in his box tree hedges. Occasionally he would disappear off and come back with some freshly dug-up plant or another that he decided the garden needed.
I wasn't surprised when Draco joined me, it was that way we seemed to gravitate towards each other. I supposed what he'd said to Neville about needing each other's attention was correct, even when we were stood in silence together. It felt right as we stood side by side watching his father and Ron trying to assemble some new patio furniture as Blaise and Xenophilius strung up lights across the patio area. Narcissa and Andromeda and Luna were sorting out planters and pots and arranging them under the careful eye of Minerva and Dusty as Molly was fussing Hermione and making her sit and rest with a drink even though the bump wasn't even showing yet. It seemed that Andromeda and Narcissa had bridged the gap of the last thirty years in a matter of hours and now it was like they'd never been estranged. All the while, everything was slowly creeping towards my secret garden that was already completed apart from its lawn area.
'It looks amazing,' I said quietly. 'I can't quite believe everyone turned out to help and they've all done so much. It's going to be completed in a day. That's...' I felt speechless.
'And there you were, putting it off until next year.'
'I thought it was going to take bloody months of clearing and that's before we even get onto the planting up.'
Draco said quietly, 'Dusty has recently arrived back with the apricot tree to train against the wall there. He told Neville, very aggressively, that it's going there because it's the perfect spot with the summer warmth.'
'I saw him arrive with it,' I smiled. 'The root ball is massive, far bigger than Dusty. And that's before we get to the rest of the tree. I watched him excavate the hole while balancing the tree like a plate on a stick. I have to say, I'm glad I like apricots. I think he might murder me in my sleep if I said I didn't.'
Draco laughed. 'He's threatening to get more fruit trees to train against the entire south-facing wall. He's demanded that my father puts up training wires.'
'How did your father take that?'
'He's cowed. Scared of a House-Elf.'
'Aren't we all? Do you think the Goyles have realised that half their garden is missing?'
'I doubt it...'
A comfortable silence fell as we watched the activity below us.
'Are you coping?' Draco said, with a worry apparent in his voice.
'Yeah. I'm just exhausted. But I didn't get much sleep last night because I didn't finish the dining room until gone 2am.'
'I saw it. It looks lovely...' He paused before saying, 'I wish you'd told me.'
'About the dining room?'
'No, you idiot. About crowds.'
'And said what, exactly? We're still tentatively finding a friendship without me dropping into the conversation that I'm suffering like a bastard from fucking PTSD. Besides, I'm alright and you don't need to treat me like I'm some delicate fucking flower.'
'I'm not, Harry. I just want to help. You know your swearing gets worse when your temper is rising or when your anxiety increases or when you talk about it?'
'Oh,' I said quietly, unaware of the fact. 'I guess I need to be more aware—'
'Not at all,' Draco frowned. 'Sorry, I shouldn't have said anything. You don't need to worry about it. I just noticed, probably because we've been spending so much time together.'
'If you're sure?'
'100% sure. Besides, you can swear if you want to. And if the Chosen One hasn't earnt the right to swear, what can he do...?' he smiled. 'I hardly think anyone beyond Walburga Black is actually going to care and if they do, they're all fucking hypocrites. I don't know anyone who doesn't swear behind closed doors. Even my mother is known to curse foully once in a while, normally when she's been on the Firewhisky. I heard her call Voldemort a cunt for giving me the Dark Mark. Not to his face, of course, but to my father. She was laying into my father something rotten after he got out of Azkaban. He got called quite a few names too. Obviously, I wasn't supposed to hear but she was being quite loud about it. Probably could have woken a few Inferius with the volume. All Black women have the capability to behave like Banshees once they let loose.'
I had a mental image of Narcissa berating Lucius and decided it was petrifying. And said, 'I can almost guarantee you that Luna doesn't swear.'
'Ah, she's different. That's the Fae for you. Not in their lexicon. Is the crowd-thing why I can't tie you down to dates for going to Dublin?'
I smiled. 'Probably. Going into any city centre is unsettling. One I'm not familiar with is more so. It got worse as I travelled. Made things really difficult when it came to organising Portkeys through official Ministry channels in each country. Mexico City was the worst, I nearly didn't get home because of the anxiety of getting in to their Ministry.'
'We can stay on the outskirts of Dublin and Floo to the meetings.'
'Okay. Back end of next week then. I haven't got anything with the Ministry on Thursday or Friday.'
'I'll organise it,' he said. 'Is there anything in particular causing you anxiety about the Gala? I'll help where I can.'
'Nev's giving me some dance lessons because I've never had a lesson in my life. I barely know my left foot from my right.'
'Sometimes you surprise me. I mean, look at you when you get on a broomstick. You move at one with it, so naturally. Or when you duel. You know exactly what you're doing and it's precise and confident.'
'It's instinct mostly.'
'Maybe,' he said. 'But there's inherent skill there too. That must be transferable.'
'Perhaps,' I said, doubting it with every fibre of my being. 'I should go and get some food for tonight. There's a lot to feed and I want to say thank you to everyone. I really can't get over it - I'd never have come up with this on my own. Neville's a bit of a tour de force when he gets going. It's going to be bloody amazing when it's finished. It's already amazing.'
'Can I help with the shop?'
'Are you skiving out of doing any work too?'
'Have you seen me actually get my hands dirty today?'
'You carried in some plants and pretended to know how to fix the fountain.'
'Exactly. Anyway, I'm far better occupied ensuring that you're happy.'
'What about you, Draco?'
'What about me?'
'I knew you weren't happy about your engagement,' I said quietly.
'That is simply a case of c'est la vie.'
'No,' I said adamantly. 'It fucking shouldn't be. You deserve to be happy. You deserve to be bloody free to choose.'
He stood stoically still, his face expressionless. 'But what if I can't have what I want. What do I do then?'
'You still try and don't settle for an unhealthy alternative.'
'I've always settled for an unhealthy alternative.'
'Then it's time to stop. Stop being a fucking victim.' I felt inexplicably angry and took a deep breath. 'Sorry, that was uncalled for. It's just you deserve better.'
He remained unreadable as he focused on the garden. 'And what about you, Harry? What do you want in life? Are you pursuing your dreams and desires?'
'I don't know what I want in life,' I lied, currently wanting nothing more than to turn to him and cup his face and see him smile at me. Scrap that, I wanted to kiss him.
'Like you said before; little steps, Harry. We have to take those little steps. You'll figure it out.'
'Yeah,' I mumbled.
'Maybe I should encourage father to speak to Walburga, if she really thinks my engagement is inappropriate...'
'Yeah—no...' I said, having sudden nightmares about gossiping portraits who would out me to the Malfoys and put me in a really embarrassing situation. 'Sod it... Draco... you should know... I'm gay.'
He looked at me in astonishment. 'That was a bit randomly abrupt as conversation segues go.'
'I just wanted you to know... in case... I don't know... it comes out along the way and you have any prejudices and because we're going into business together and that might make you uncomfortable and—'
'Harry,' he turned towards me. 'You're wittering. And no, it certainly doesn't make me feel uncomfortable. And I definitely don't have any prejudices. And yes, I guessed.'
'You guessed?'
'Yes, I guessed. From your little charade with Gin earlier and your not-so-subtle signalling at them to shut their mouth. There have been other clues along the way, that I started to piece together, including the not-so-subtle teasing by The Portraits and the photos of Johan looking slightly debauched and utterly in love with you. Stop worrying. I don't mind, in the slightest. Thank you for telling me.'
'Oh,' I said, feeling a little deflated. 'That's okay then. Shall we go and get this shopping?'
He nodded. 'Okay.'
'I ought to check out this barbeque you brought first, see what we need for it.'
'What do you mean?'
'It is gas or charcoal?'
'Charcoal, I'm not a complete heathen.'
I raised an eyebrow.
'Okay, okay,' he said sheepishly, 'Hermione advised me.'
I grinned. 'You're carrying the charcoal bags then.'
***