"Uhm, how do I start this?" Inayos niya ang kanyang upo ulit. "Okay, first, I want you to smile and when you did, keep it on your face 'til the rest of the time." Pinilit ko ang sarili kong gawin 'yon. Malapad din naman siyang nakangiti ro'n kaya hindi ako masyadong nahirapan gawin.
"Hey, if you're crying right now, I understand yet I don't know how to make this sound less painful for you. For us perhaps... Anyway, it's been a while since we've spoken to each other. I'm sorry for not being around and not telling you everything you need to know. I distanced myself because I..." She immediately looked up and took a deep breath to stop her tears.
"Because I feel like there's only a bit of a time left for me. Gusto kitang masanay na wala na ako sa tabi mo. Dahil gano'n naman, 'di ba?" At unti-unti nang bumagsak ang kanyang mga luha na kanina niya pa pinipigilan. "Lahat may hangganan. Hindi nga lang natin alam kung kaylan ang eksaktong pagtatapos pero kaylangan natin palaging maging handa. Mahirap pero kaylangan nating tanggapin..."
I touched the camera as if it's her face. My eyes started to cry with her, too. Kung kanina ay blangko ang aking nararamdaman, ngayon ay hindi na naman ako makahinga sa sobrang sakit. But as much as I could, I kept my eyes on watching her. I don't want to miss any second of her video.
"Jacob, if ever the time has finally stopped for me, I want you to know that I have no regrets in this life. Especially that God had given me lots of chances to be with you. He gave me friends that never leave my side and a complete family for a second time. He also built us bridges to be with each other again. The moments... The memories... I will always carry it in my heart just like how you keep us together in your sketches." She forced a smiled.
"I've been in pain for a long time but you being there for me, being loved by everyone I love most, every needle, every medicine, and every ache became bearable. You once saved me from all of my false hopes and by that it helped me live a little longer. But I'm afraid that's just it. The line has finally stopped for me. My time might already stopped ticking but yours will continue. I want you to live more, Jacob, as much as you wanted me to. I may not be around with you anymore but I want you to keep your dreams sailing further as much as you always could. You've done so much for me and it's time to do things for yourself now. And in every single step you take, remember that I will always be proud of you. Don't worry, wherever I am, I won't be alone. I will be with my mom and my brother again... Hey, I will miss you. Well, I always do miss you."
Mahina siyang tumawa. Pinupunasan niya na rin ang luha sa kanyang pisngi at muling inayos ang sarili. "Umiiyak ka pa rin ba? Tama na 'yan. Ang panget mo na, oh!" At nagawa niya pang magbiro sa kalagayan namin. I paused the video for a minute to catch my breath.
She's really good at masking her pain. And that's what I regret sometimes — not seeing enough right through her. If only I knew... Huminga ako ng malalim bago i-play ang video ulit. Tinignan ko kung ilang minuto na lang 'yon at mas lalo lang akong nasaktan nang makita kong malapit na iyon matapos.
"Jacob, thank you for making my life worthwhile. Sa bawat bituin na hinihilingan ko gabi-gabi ay nakaukit ang buong pangalan mo. Kahit saan ako magpunta... Sa kahit anong gawin ko, lagi't-lagi, ikaw... Mahal na mahal kita, Jacob Hendrix Vergara. Maging sa susunod na habangbuhay..."
And the video has ended. I put the camera on my chest and let myself finally burst into tears. Niyakap ko na parang siya 'yon, wishing the girl inside that thing could hug me back, too. I wish some things in fairytales can happen in real life. Like a true love's kiss that can spare one life.
Nang buksan ko ulit ang camera at nag-swipe doon ay saka ko lang nakita ang iba pang nilalaman. It was full of our pictures. I also felt something from the back of the gadget kaya agad ko iyon tinignan. There's a note left by her: Our sketched memories of yesterdays, I love you...
🐚
I lost myself the same day I lost her. I feel like myself forgot how to function on its own. I can't even eat properly and every food has been hard for me to swallow. My eyes are always heavy as well. Wala na rin akong pakialam sa itsura ko lalo pa't hindi na rin naman ako halos lumalabas ng kwarto.
I always found myself crying, down on my knees, begging to bring her back. Wala na akong ibang gusto kundi ang bumalik siya kahit alam kong imposibleng mangyari. May mga oras na nagiging ayos na lang sa'kin ang ganitong bigat sa dibdib kaysa sa hindi ko siya maramdaman. I've always been feeling empty since the day I lost her.
"Kuya, we need to go. We're late." Katok sa'kin ni Lily sa kwarto. Huling araw na ng lamay ng mahal ko at ngayong araw lang namin nakayanan ni Lily pumunta ro'n. It was held at Gabby's house kaya doon na kami dumiretso.
Everyone seems to lost their colors as much as I am. Halos wala akong marinig na nag-uusap kundi puro hikbi lang. Nang kumonti ang tao ay saka lang ako lumapit sa pwesto niya para masilayan siya ulit. Agad kong pinunasan ang luha ko habang hinahaplos ang salamin. "I miss you, Mitchie..."
I took my time beside her. Hanggang sa gisingin na lang din ako ni Jewel dahil dumating na ang sasakyan na magdadala sa mahal ko sa sementeryo. I took a look around and everyone's already leaving ang preparing for her burial. Aalis na naman siya... Ulit...
🐚
I watched her got buried six feet underground and that was the last time I got to see her face. Everyone's still in grief as they let go of the white balloons in the sky but mine stays in my hand. I wasn't really ready to let her go yet. "I'll stay here for a while. Sumabay ka na kay Jayden pauwi," sabi ko kay Lily nang makita kong nag-aalisan na ang mga tao.
Tumango lang siya bilang sagot at tipid na ngumiti sa'kin bago sumunod kay Jayden na naghihintay sa kanya. Naupo na ako sa harap ng puntod habang nilalaro ang dulo ng tali ng lobo. "There's no pain but only happiness in paradise." I forced a smile. Saka ko lamang din hinayaan ang sarili kong umiyak ulit dahil wala na rin namang nakakakita.
"Wish you here with me, Mitch... It's just been getting harder and harder to wake up knowing that I won't be able to see you again just like I used to. I don't know how will I get myself out of this. Believe me, I'm trying to cope. I just don't know if it'll work."
I don't know how I will comfort myself from this. I'm getting a little numb as I try to get away from this grief. Napayuko na lang ako habang yakap-yakap ang mga tuhod. Ang lobo ay nananatili pa rin sa kamay ko. Mukhang wala na rin talaga akong balak pakawalan 'to. Sa bawat tapos ng luha ay napapatulala na lang ako at hindi alam kung paano ibabangon ulit ang sarili.
"Can we play?" Rinig ko sa maliit na boses ng babae kaya napatungo ang ulo ko para tignan siya. She has hazel brown eyes at mas lumilitaw ang kulay nito 'pag natatamaan ng sinag ng araw. Mahaba at kulay itim na buhok. Nagpapaganda pa ro'n ang dalawang sunflower niyang ipit. Maputi at mukhang may lahi. May mga kaunting dumi ng paint sa mga braso niya. Napansin ko rin naman agad ang suot-suot niyang kwintas na gitara ang pendant. She maybe into arts and music.
"Sorry, but I'm not in the mood," masungit kong sagot at muling iniyuko ang ulo.
"Is that so? Uhm, can I borrow your balloon, then?"
Nilingon ko siya ulit, nakakunot na ang noo. Akin 'to. Hanap siya ng kanya. "No." Sabay iwas ulit ng tingin sa kanya. I heard her sigh and felt that she just sat down beside me kaya napalingon ako ulit sa kanya.
"Don't you have playmates instead? The same age as you."
Umiling lang siya sa'kin habang nakatitig din sa puntod. "Who is Michelle Gaile Morales? Is she your playmate, too?"
Napairap ako. Ang dami naman naming pwedeng pag-usapan. Bigla ko tuloy ginustong umuwi para maging mapag-isa ulit. But at the same time, I felt like she's also alone that's why she wanted to play with me. "She's my girlfriend."
"Your girlfriend?! Like, mommy and daddy?! They told me they were boyfriend and girlfriend before they got married. Are you married?"
A memory of me giving her a ring twice suddenly flashed back in my mind. "Yes..."
"Oh..." Mayamaya'y tinanggal niya ang ipit niya sa buhok saka inilagay doon sa puntod. "My hairclip has flowers in it. I used to give my parents each one when I visit here." Then she smiled sweetly at me.
"Wait, your parents were..." Nahihirapan akong ituloy ang sasabihin ko dahil baka hindi siya komportableng marinig. But instead she nod and pointed at a direction where there tombstones are. "Oh, I'm sorry..." mahina kong sambit. I felt guilty for asking a young one.
"What's your name?" Pag-iiba ko na lang ng usapan. It might still be heavy for her, though. Dahil ganoon rin ang nararamdaman ko ngayon.
"I'm Jachelle Chelsea. I'm an orphan now and I don't want to be adopted either. I don't want new parents. I only want my old parents back," inosente niyang sagot sa'kin. "How about you po?"
"Uh, I'm Jacob."
"Full name, please."
"Jacob Hendrix Vergara." Natawa ako. She seems kinda bossy as well. Natahimik din ako saglit dahil naubusan ako ng sasabihin. I was just staring at the balloon, thinking about something crazy but imagining it happening made me determined to do so. Soon... "Jachelle, where do you live?" Naisipan ko ring ibigay ang lobo sa kanya.
"Just there, at that big mansion. That's an orphanage. It may look like a castle but it was terrible inside."
"Terrible? What do you mean?" Hindi na siya sumagot ngunit bigla siyang tumayo nang sabay naming marinig na may tumawag sa kanya. "I need to go, bye! I'll see you again!" Dali-dali na siyang tumakbo palayo. I got worried and follow her but she was fast that I didn't even know which way she went.
"Ijo, may nakita ka bang batang babae na maliit rito?" A woman asked me. She looked like in her 50s already. Alam ko ang tinutukoy niya pero hindi ko sinabi ang totoo nang maalala ko ang sinabi niya sa'kin.
"It may look like a castle but it was terrible inside." Is she running away from them? Nang wala silang nakuhang sagot sa'kin ay nagpatuloy na sila sa paghahanap ulit. Saka ko rin naisipang maglakad na pauwi. It's already getting dark and I'm starting to worry about her.
Nadaanan ko rin ang mansyon na sinasabi niya. May mga batang naglalaro ro'n. Mayroon din akong nakita na mukhang ka-edad ko lang. Hinanap ko ang pangalan ng lugar pero walang nakalagay doon kaya kinuhaan ko na lang ng litrato. I can feel something isn't right about the place even by just looking at it.
Bumalik ako muli sa pwesto ko kanina, nagbabakasakaling bumalik din doon ang bata pero wala akong nadatnan. I sat in front of her tombstome once again, hoping to see the little girl but it didn't happen 'til I finally decided to go home.
"Jachelle Chelsea, I will find you."