After Brock lets me know that he can't stomach drinking again tonight, I spend the day moping around in bed. I head to the kitchen a few times, bored of my own company, but no one is ever in there when I do. Goh doesn't text. Of course he doesn't- I told him it was in case he needed anything from me, and there's slim chance he's going to need anything from me, probably ever.
It's probably for the best. I'm not over Red, not even a little, and it would just be rebound, if you can even call it that when Red and I weren't ever officially together. Goh might be very attractive, but I'm not ready to date other people, and we've only known each other a day. So I tell myself to let the idea go, and keep to myself.
The next day, I only see Serena, May and Clemont, who walk with me to a coffee shop and grab lunch with me. Serena sits beside me and puts her hand on my arm a few times when she's talking to me, but I don't think too much into it. She's very outgoing and bubbly, just like Dawn.
Later that night I meet Brock in the same club we went to on the first night. His flatmates are with him, and I bring Serena and May too. I wanted to ask Goh, but I didn't see him around, and I didn't have his number to text him, since he never messaged me. Brock's flatmate Lucy, a tall girl with flowing black and red hair that he was clearly very interested in, drags us to a rock nightclub that plays mostly alternative music, which I like. The drinks are much stronger here, for some reason, and by twelve I'm so far gone that I know I'll be deceased in the morning.
The night is spent talking to her and Tracey, Brock's other flatmate. I like them both, and I'm in a great mood, thoughts of Goh and Red just background noise. I'm realising that, even though I miss my friends a lot, I'm going to be okay here.
At one, I realise I should probably head back to the flat, even if the club is still open. I'm far enough gone to know the hangover is going to be killer in the morning. Serena and May decide not to come with me- they both like Brock, though I think they enjoy laughing at him more than with him, so I order an Uber and leave them there, knowing Brock will look after them.
The Uber takes me back to the flat. I fumble with my keys, trying to find the right one for ours, cursing under my breath at my uncooperative hands. When I finally manage to unlock it and half-fall in the door, I pause in the corridor, looking down to the kitchen. Planning on grabbing a glass of water, I stumble down to it and push open the door.
I pause on the threshold. Goh is sitting on the sofa, his knees up to his chest, a blanket thrown over him and a cup of something steaming clutched between his hands. He looks up at me, jerking slightly, eyes wide like he's seen a ghost for a moment. I blink, trying to clear my head, a warmth spreading across my face.
"Hey," I say, and finally step inside, not wanting to make things awkward. I cross over to the sink and start trying to find a glass, but every cupboard I open is wrong.
"They're in that one," Goh says quietly, pointing to one of the overhead cupboards. I pull it open, and the glasses are sitting there. A little embarrassed, I sigh and grab one, and start filling it at the tap.
"Thanks," I say. A silence fills the room, only disturbed by the sound of the water running, until I flick the tap off again and pause there, hesitating. I've been in this room a lot since moving in, but ever since the first night I've never seen Goh in here too, almost like he's avoiding it, if he can. But now he's sitting here, after one in the morning, by himself, like he knew this was the one time there might be no one else coming in and out.
"You been out?" He asks casually, not looking up at me. For a moment I'm shocked that he's even trying to make small talk with me.
"Yeah." I rub my eye with my palm, suddenly wishing I was sober. "With my friend from home, and Serena and May."
I'm about to leave, feeling my presence isn't entirely welcome, when the door swings open again and Cilan strolls in, beaming. I see Goh shrink a little further into the couch. "Hey! I thought I heard someone in here."
"Hey Cilan," I mumble, taking a sip of the water.
"Oh, you're drunk," he says, shooting me an amused look. I scoff.
"I was out with Serena and May."
His eyebrows raise up, and I don't like the look he's giving me. "Were you now?" He starts walking towards the sofas, and plops himself down beside Goh, who looks like he's planning his escape. I walk over and sit on the other one, feeling my body start to shut down. Cilan laughs when I lay my head back on the cushion and groan.
"It's not like that," I grumble, because Cilan is still giving me that stupid grin.
"Why not?" He shrugs. I know they're both very attractive, but just not in that way- not to me. I know people will probably think I'm dumb for ignoring Serena's advances, if that's what they actually are. If I were more casual about this sort of thing, I might have been interested in one of them, but that's just not me. I don't know how to say that though, so I just shrug back. Cilan smiles. "You got someone back home?"
"No," I say quickly, shaking my head, the room spinning. "Nope. Not anymore. Do you?"
His brows dip a little, and I realise I said not anymore, which sounds like I'm hinting at some sort of pre-uni breakup, which I guess did kind of happen. I brace myself for more questions, but he just smiles. "Yeah. Her name's Burgundy." His head suddenly whips to Goh. "What about you Goh?"
I see the way he tenses up, and he clutches the mug tighter in his hands. He shakes his head slightly. "No, I don't."
I swallow the lump in my throat. So he's single. That information shouldn't matter to me, since I've already decided to steer clear, but... I can't stop staring at his face. He's like a magnet, drawing me to him. Cilan just nods, then pulls his phone out. A few seconds later, I get a notification, my own phone vibrating from my back pocket. It's Cilan, sending me a friend request on several social media accounts. I laugh, looking up at him. "Really?"
"I can't find you," he says to Goh, ignoring me.
"Oh," Goh says, smiling sheepishly. "I don't really have social media."
I barely know him, but that doesn't surprise me. It seems like he prefers to keep to himself. For a moment his eyes meet mine, and I feel all the blood rush to my face. I look away quickly, worried the blush will be obvious. It's stupid- so stupid that this is the first person to ever visibly make me feel this way after just a couple of days. I'm not sure I've ever felt this sort of physical attraction before.
I ask Cilan about his girlfriend to fill the silence. We sit there for a while, talking back and forth, him telling me all about her. Goh rarely chimes in, but he does seem to relax a little. Then Cilan asks me about previous relationships, and I tense up a bit.
"I've only had one," I admit. His eyebrows shoot up, and even Goh blinks at me in disbelief. "What?"
"I don't know, just... Looking at you, I thought you'd have had more."
I have no idea what to say to that, especially in my drunken state. "I'm not... That's not- I mean, I just don't care about that sort of stuff much."
"Fair enough. Hey, why don't we all go to that society fair tomorrow morning?"
"What time is it at?" I ask, relieved at the topic change.
"Eleven."
I check the time on my phone. It's almost two. Soon Serena and May will be coming back, and if they find us in here there's no chance we'll be getting any sleep anytime soon. I groan and rub my face again. "Okay. But I'm going to bed now."
We all stand, including Goh, who's probably also worried about Serena and May coming home. As we head out, my arm briefly brushes against his, and the jolt it sends up my body is so intense he may as well have grabbed me by the waist. I hang back a step, embarrassed, and let him go out first. He waves goodnight as he walks down the corridor and I pause outside my door, the cold of the hallway a welcome relief from the heat in my blood. I hear Cilan's door click shut, and glance down the hallway to where Goh has paused at his own door. He turns to look at me, and a fresh wave of nerves washes over me. I watch him, and he watches me, just for a second. It's just a split second, yet I swear there's electric in the air between us.
Then he gives me a soft smile, and steps inside, the door closing behind him.
It takes me almost an hour to stop thinking about it and manage to fall asleep.
— — — —
I wake up gloomy. There's a grey cloud hanging over me as I go to search for breakfast, and I take it back to my room to eat alone. I sit at the desk and push the cereal around in the bowl until it's completely soggy. I can't stop thinking about Red- about where she might be, or who she might be with. I can't help but wonder if she's already interested in someone else.
I miss home, too. I miss my friends. I miss my cat. I miss my mom. I miss writing letters to Red and receiving them.
It's an effort to force myself up to get dressed before the others knock on my door to head down to the society fair. Honestly, it couldn't have come on a worse day. Usually I'd be excited to join societies, and meet new people interested in the same things as me, but today I can't muster up the energy for it.
They do knock, at quarter to eleven. They're all there, dressed in winter clothes for the cold outside, smiling at me. Even Goh. My eyes linger on him a little longer than the others. He has his hair tied up higher, wrapped in a bun instead of a ponytail, the shorter wisps of hair on the sides of his face falling loose around his jaw. I swallow hard, tearing my eyes away from him, and we head out.
The society fair has been set up in the giant gym that usually houses basketball games, but is so large it spills out into the courtyard too, hundreds of stalls set up. There are people waving flags, dressed up strangely and shouting for people to come join up. All of us fall silent in awe once we round the corner and first see it- the sheer size of it. Spotting a 'Robot Experiment' society, Clemont zips off, leaving us.
"I kinda want to join an arts and crafts society," May says to no one in particular, scratching her chin. "Or a food one!"
"Please let me know if you see any food ones," I say, and mean it. She grins up at me, but then Serena loops their arms together and points in the direction of what looks like a stall taking sign-ups for some sort of beauty pageant.
"We'll catch up with you guys," Serena calls, already dragging May away, whether she wants to go or not. I laugh, rubbing the back of my head while Cilan shakes his.
"I have no idea what to join," Cilan admits, humming.
We start walking aimlessly, in the direction of the double doors leading into the gym. The noise spilling out is so loud we almost have to shout to hear each other. I spot a cooking society, and point it out, and Cilan's eyes light up as he dashes straight for it. I stand beside Goh, looking around at all the stalls, some poorly decorated and some extravagant.
I hum, spotting the society for basketball players. I've never been amazing at it, but I can play pretty well, and I need something to keep me active, so I turn to Goh, only to see his eyes have settled on something in the distance, and he bites his lip.
"Hey, I'm gonna go sign up for the basketball one," I say. He whips his head back around to me, blinking.
"Okay," he says simply, then wanders off, leaving me. I watch him walk away, carefully picking his way through the crowd, avoiding contact with everyone. I blow out a breath through my mouth and turn away from him.
Twenty minutes later, after wandering around and signing up for two more societies, I find Goh and Serena together, sitting on a bench at the edge of the courtyard eating churros. Serena waves me over, and I walk to them, hands stuck in my pockets. I only take them out when Serena holds one out to me.
"Churro?"
"Thanks." I take it and give her a warm smile, and I see her cheeks heat up, the slight blush spreading over her nose too. "Where did the others go?"
"Clemont and Cilan are together somewhere I think. May got distracted signing up for a bunch of food related societies. I told her we'd wait here for her."
Like she'd heard her name, May comes racing out of the crowd, a donut sticking out of her mouth and another twelve in a box in her arms. Serena sighs and shakes her head, but May just grins, the donut nearly falling out. Behind her, I spot Cilan and Clemont heading our way too, completely absorbed in their conversation.
May finishes the donut impressively quick. "Can we go shopping? I need some new boots."
"Obviously." Serena stands up, dusting herself off. "Anyone coming?"
The rest of us look around at each other, waiting for someone to answer, until I shake my head. "I hate shopping. Have fun though. I'll see you back at the flat later."
She pouts in disappointment, but doesn't argue. "Anyone else?"
The others shake their heads, smiling sheepishly. "I hate shopping too," Clemont adds. "Plus, I need a coffee. I have a headache from caffeine withdrawal."
"Is that a thing?" She asks, raising an eyebrow.
"I'll come with you," I offer, and Clemont smiles, nodding.
"Me too," Cilan cuts in before Serena can speak. "If we can go to Starbucks."
We all look to Goh then, to see which group he's going to join, but he just looks off into the distance, frowning. "I've gotta go pick up some books for my course," he says. "Maybe next time."
We're all visibly disappointed, but nobody wants to force him to join in, so we agree to see each other later, when Cilan says he's going to cook for everyone again. The three of us head for the closest Starbucks, which I have to get walking directions to on my phone. We sit at a table by the window and talk for what seems like hours but is really only fifty minutes. I don't like to pick favourites, but so far I get on with Cilan the best. As I stare out the window though, I can't help but wish Goh would have come with us. I like this new group of friends I'm making, but I want it to be all of us, and not just because he's insanely attractive.
I think about that a lot, too. I know that it's stupid to ignore attraction, especially with nothing holding me back, but I know my heart still belongs to Red, and that it wouldn't be fair to have any sort of relationship with anyone when I can't give them my heart. So I decide it's better not knowing if Goh could ever have been interested in me too.
When we leave, I decide to go to the bookstore too, because as much as I don't want to, there's books I have to buy for my course too. Cilan and Clemont head back to the flat, and I head in the direction of the shopping centre I found on the maps. I keep glancing down at my phone, making sure I'm heading the right way. I'm glancing down again as I pass yet another Starbucks, but when I look up again, I spot Goh. He's ahead of me, back turned to me, with two other guys I don't recognise. I bite the inside of my cheek, wondering whether I should try to catch up or not, and if he's with some of his coursemates, or friends.
But they're not walking, just standing in the street. And one of them is sneering at him. I pause, going deathly still, narrowing my eyes. I watch as Goh tries to step around the side of them, but one of them intercepts him, stepping in front of him to block him from getting past. My blood runs cold as I realise what's happening. They're clearly harassing him about something, but out of everyone in the crowd around them, no one else steps in, or even seems to notice.
One of the guys leans forward and flicks Goh's hair, which he's let out of the bun at some point since he left us. I feel the spark of rage in my chest that always ignites my burning temper, and before I can stop myself I'm surging forward.
The two guys look over Goh's shoulder at me as I approach, hands stuck in my pockets, keeping my face straight but my eyes piercing. They're around the same height as him, meaning I'm a few inches taller. Goh looks over his shoulder to see what they're looking at right as I come up beside him, cocking my head to the side.
"Can I help you with something?" I ask coolly, narrowing my eyes a little, looking between the two of them.
"No," the one on the right says, taking a step back, putting distance between us. "We were just telling him how much we like his hair, right?" He's looking at Goh, waiting for him to agree, but Goh just stares down at the ground, his jaw set. The sight of him looking so visibly ashamed sets my blood on fire and I turn back to the two idiots in front of us, scowling.
"Really? 'Cause it looks to me like you were harassing him."
"Nah," the other one joins in, shaking his head. "There's nothing to see here."
"Okay, well you can fuck off now then," I say, smiling in a way that lets them know I'm a few seconds away from kicking their ass in the middle of the street. "And you better hope I don't see you around him again or I'll kick your teeth into your skull, okay?"
The one on the right grabs his friend's arm and starts to drag him away, muttering something under his breath, until the other turns too, and they walk off into the crowd, disappearing. I sigh, turning to Goh, who still won't look up at me, his frown getting even deeper. "Are you okay?" I ask.
"Yeah," he mumbles, and starts pulling his hair back, wrapping it into another bun and tying it behind his head. I watch him, my heart cracking open a little at the pain he can't hide from his eyes.
"What was that about?" I shoot a glance in the direction they left in, but they're completely gone.
Goh shrugs, finally looking up at me, his face schooled into neutrality again. "They were just being assholes," he says. "I should get back to the flat."
He starts walking, but I fall into step beside him, forgetting my plan to visit the bookstore completely. "I'll walk with you," I say. He doesn't argue, but he doesn't speak again, and I swear I see his eyes scanning the crowd, like he's waiting for someone else to step up. I swallow hard. "Why did he flick your hair?" I ask carefully, afraid to upset him.
I see Goh's jaw tense, and he stares ahead as we walk. For a second I think he's going to ignore my question, but then he sighs. "They were asking if I was a girl or a boy. They said I should cut my hair and used a slur."
My face twists as I imagine myself in that situation, with no one around caring enough to step in. My stomach clenches painfully, and I shake my head. "I'm sorry."
"It's fine. I'm kinda used to it," he says, shrugging, but it just makes my heart break even more. Goh is... Well, he's breathtaking. Everyone that harrasses him is probably just jealous, but I don't want to say that, because that's admitting my attraction to him. When he looks up at me, his eyes meeting mine, my heart stops in my chest for a brief moment. "Thank you. For helping me."
"I meant it," I say, holding his gaze. "If I see them again, I'll kick the shit out of them."
The edges of his lips twitch up into a smile, and my heart leaps. "You don't have to do that. Please don't get arrested on my behalf."
"Ah, but it was so tempting just now," I say, smiling back. "Seriously, though, if someone's bothering you, just call me."
Goh blinks at me, like he's trying to figure something out. "Okay. I will. Thanks, Ash."
Something about my name from his mouth makes my throat dry up. I turn away, trying to ignore the burning sensation in my chest, and the ridiculous butterflies filling my stomach. We don't speak again for a few more seconds, walking together in a comfortable silence, until Goh fidgets, and I realise he's going to speak again.
"Are you into Fall Out Boy?" He asks.
It takes a moment for the completely random question to register to me. I blink, a little lost. "Yeah," I say. "They're pretty good."
The truth is that Red introduced me to Fall Out Boy years and years ago. I really had very little interest in music back then. While she had been bought an MP3 player when she was young, I'd never wanted one, so the only time I'd heard music was when it was on the TV, or playing somewhere that I happened to be at. I hadn't really developed my own music taste. Of course, when I told Red that, she was appalled, even at ten years old. That year, I asked my mom for an iPod, and she bought me one for my birthday, and helped me put a bunch of Fall Out Boy songs on it. They were the first band I ever really stopped to listen to, and I loved them. I loved that Red loved them, too. After that, we talked about music a lot. I wouldn't say Fall Out Boy is my favourite band ever, but...
"My friend was supposed to come down here to see them with me tonight," Goh sighs. He reaches into his pocket and pulls out two folded up slips of something. "But he can't make it anymore, so I have a spare ticket." He unfolds it, and surely enough, it's a ticket to a Fall Out Boy show I didn't even know was happening, in this very city. I blink blankly down at it, my jaw falling open a little. A night, spent with just Goh, at a Fall Out Boy show, when we barely know each other... I have no idea if that's a good idea or not.
"You can just have the ticket. It's okay if you don't wanna come," he rambles. "I just didn't want to go alone, but I really want to go, so..."
It's a terrible idea, to spend so much time alone with Goh when I'm so drawn to him, but... I reach out for the ticket he's passing to me, looking down at it. "Okay sure," I say, smiling at him. "I'll come."
His returning smile is relieved. "Okay. I'll book an Uber to take us there at six."
I try to forget about Red's connection to the band, and tuck the ticket away safely, my stomach twisting with a strange mixture of nerves and excitement. I realise that yes, I love Red, and I have for a long time, but... I've never gotten to experience this. This rush of adrenaline from being beside someone that's so magnetic, that you can't stop thinking about. The excitement of knowing you'll see them later, and the inevitable daydreams of what could come of it... No matter how much I try to clear my thoughts, I can't help it. I barely know anything about Goh, but for the first time ever, I want to know everything.
I'm just not entirely sure if that's a good or bad thing yet.
----------------
okay I know Fall Out Boy is a bit random I just wanted to pick a band that everyone would have heard of but it's not really important anyway <3