✫
Falling in love came easily to Cassie Howard.
It was like a natural instinct. With McKay, with the guy before him, and, as she woke up with Selena under her sheets, brunette hair splayed on her pillow, both laying shamelessly on the tombs they dug for themselves the night before, she realized it was happening with the girl too.
She felt it as her head rested on the latina's chest comfortably, torso covered by the girl's arms that wrapped around it, whispering to each other so as to not wake Lexi. And in the moments later too.
When she was left alone in her bed, as she laid on the soft mattress and let everything fall into place in her head and fully sink in her heart, she felt it.
As she allowed herself to think back to what they had drunkenly done, and to wonder why she felt so good afterwards considering she had been avoiding the temptation for weeks to protect her relationship with her boyfriend, she felt it.
She didn't ponder on that last inquiry for too long, though. The answer came to her without much effort. The aftermath was peaceful because her heart knew she had loved Selena long before any of that. Long before McKay, even.
Selena Flores, and her silly sense of humor, the plethora of rings that occupied her fingers so often, coupled with a cigarette dangling between them. Her protective nature, her aroma, her love for rom-coms, and all the bad stuff, too.
She loved her friend, and she knew her friend loved her too.
The idea of even beginning to question Flores' love for her had never crossed Cassie's mind. They had always been solid, it all had always felt genuine between them.
Despite that, however, on her silent way home after reading that loose sheet out of Selena's notebook from rehab that clearly wasn't meant for her eyes to ever see, her friend's crush on her became a bit too real to just ignore.
Because even though the blonde had always noticed the lingering looks and the passionate dislike for her exes, the knowledge went from being a smoke cloud lingering around like nice perfume to cold water crashing down on her.
The world taught her that she had to wonder, even if she felt like shit while doing so, if Selena could be just like everyone else. If Selena was no different from all of those people that found their way into her life just to take advantage of her.
Did she treat her so attentively and listened to her only because of her looks? What if she had been after her body this whole time, just playing the long game?
Cassie hated the thought with passion. That was so far from who Selena was, and she knew it. Nonetheless, after years of experiences of the sort, she couldn't help but to overthink.
Howard functioned differently than a few years ago, and she resented the world for making her have to analyze every single interaction she had in order to stay safe. Or try to stay safe.
Would it really be that crazy to think Selena wouldn't be friends with her if she had moved to their town some years earlier, before puberty had knocked on her door and changed everything? She couldn't be so sure.
Being called beautiful wasn't unusual for the blonde, yet whenever she heard it from Selena it felt different than when most said it.
It was the words paired with the familiar voice, and the sweet eyes that she always looked at her with. Never was anyone more convincing.
But the what -ifs inside her head became relentless in days of uncomfortable silence between them, and coupled with built-up stress, she broke down at last, and told Suze about it.
Just like how she always ended up telling Suze about everything. Because —and it wasn't an easy pill to swallow for Cassie— her mom was somewhat of a best friend to her in many ways.
She felt kind of pathetic about it sometimes. But listening to her mom's insight on stuff that happened to her only helped the bond grow stronger with time. So she embraced it, and Maddy shared the title without complaints.
What do I do? Was the unsaid question under all the recounting she did to Suze about Selena.
And Cassie could have sworn she saw a knowing look flash in her mother's eyes as she vented to her.
Like she knew her better than the Howard girl
knew herself, and what she was hearing was predictable, and expected.
Of course, she had managed to find something to get distracted with while McKay was away. She was in need of attention 24/7 after all, and it was only a matter of time before she gave the female spectrum some love, too.
Because she needs it, wherever she can get it from.
And yeah, it did end up happening, but it wasn't like Cassie was planning on it. She was in a happy relationship, and Selena was simply one of her closest friends. She always intended to keep it that way.
All she wanted an answer to was whether she should keep some distance from the girl for a while or just go back to normal like nothing had happened and ignore her stupid doubts.
Still, Suze tried to hide her incredulous expression while she listened to her rant about how much she cared about McKay.
She ended up advising her to talk to the Flores girl, and that was the plan.
Until she got high with Maddy at the carnival.
Not even her mom believed she would be able to stay faithful to McKay, and the boy cared more about Nate Jacobs' opinion. Why would she fight off the strong allure of ignoring every rational thought and maybe make Selena's day with a kiss or two?
As terrible as her choice-making was that day, she's grateful they kissed, because her doubts were completely inaccurate.
No, Selena wasn't perfect, but she really, really actually loved Cassie, just like Cassie loved her too.
She knows it's true because she's the only one who would listen to her rant for hours about a new cheerleading routine, or her latest celebrity crush, or her dad, or the clothes she just ordered from an online store.
She knows when her brown eyes always stay glued to the comforter when she tries on the new clothes in front of her. She knows when she refuses to give her a hit of her cigarette. She knows when she reads the little notes the brunette leaves hidden in her backpack when she gets bored in class so Cassie can find them later.
As sure as she was about that, however, she couldn't just forget about her love for McKay, which she thought was just as strong until the pregnancy test showed two lines, and she started to think about what he would say and how he would react.
She always thought of McKay as her best relationship. The boy valued her, and she felt loved.
Neither of them were perfect, but she liked to think that they were growing together. Just how she let the thought of raising a baby with him grow in her head before telling him. Bad call.
But she rarely had doubts about them two, even as she snuck around between classes to make out with one of her closest girlfriends, because she always stopped it before it could go any further.
Of course, until she didn't stop it and it actually got further, and they fucked. And she cheated.
And the thoughts got truly loud.
How genuine was her love for him? And what about his? And why was everything stable in her life slowly crumbling inside the four walls of her bathroom as she stared at the two lines on the plastic stick, pathetically crying in front of it like she could wash off the result with her tears?
"You look beautiful Cassie, you look fucking amazing. It's literally all anyone's ever told you your entire life, like, listen to yourself. It's fucking exhausting" And fuck, did that hurt her too.
Therefore, she missed school on Monday, and didn't answer anyone's texts. She was too young to face her stupid, fucked up, unfair reality.
She wasn't ready to tell anyone she was pregnant, not even Lexi, some days not even herself.
She wasn't ready to have her friends ask her about McKay with Selena present and to meet her fake smile from across the lunch table, sad eyes easily noticeable to anyone who stopped and looked.
She wasn't ready to face Selena, at all. There was no plan of action. There was no escape route.
She needed someone else's insight.
"Wait, am I hearing this correctly? You want to tell McKay that you made out with Daniel?"
"Yeah but I don't—I don't have to say it's Daniel" She explained. Because it actually wasn't Daniel. But Maddy, Kat, Lexi, and BB couldn't know that.
She had no choice but to let a sizeable chunk of the truth out, still the advice should be just as useful. Or at least she hoped so.
"Bitch, that's the craziest idea I've ever heard, right?" Maddy said in reprimand, looking to BB for backup.
"For sure"
Cassie wondered how their friends would react if they knew who she was really seeing behind his back. Would they be supportive? Weirded out? Upset? Could it work?
"Yeah, but I wanna be honest with him" The blonde voiced anxiously. Her head couldn't wrap around the idea of losing McKay. Not at this moment. She was desperate to find a way to make things right for them.
"You cannot tell McKay" The latina deadpanned after Lexi's concerned grimace.
Cassie felt like an idiot. Was the best option not to tell him, then? To keep it a secret forever? To keep the memory of the brunette's soft lips on hers locked in the back of her heart and never visit the idea again?
"But it's not like I cheated cheated" She lied, knowing that if she fully disclosed what she did with Selena the night of the Halloween party, McKay wouldn't forgive her. Not with his fragile ego.
But maybe he would be willing to appreciate her telling him about some innocent couple of kisses shared between friends.
She would have to explain to him then, that he could never, ever tell Nate or anyone else about it, because it would probably cause a huge fucking revolution, and Maddy would find out, meaning everyone would find out.
She would lose Selena if she fixed things and got honest with McKay, and that terrified her too. But she got herself into this mess, and she had to fix it.
"Kissing is worse! It's so much more intimate, and if anybody brings it up you deny, deny, deny"
"Okay but —I just—I don't want there to be something this bad between us forever" So bad and so dangerous, so intoxicating and so deep in her system she was scared he would smell it off of her.
How could she not think about a future with McKay after the pregnancy test? And how could she think about a world where she's with him, and he touches and kisses her, while Selena and Selena's touch and her cigarettes and her kisses are just a memory of something that shouldn't have been?
How would the hangouts between friends be afterwards? Would it be awkward between them two, or would they be able to forget and move on? To look at each other like before? She feared she didn't feel capable of ever seeing Selena as she used to.
Before Maddy could answer again, Kat chimed in with her own hurtful insight. "I wouldn't worry about it, Cassie. It's not like you guys are gonna be together forever"
And even though it was somewhat of a truthful statement, the lack of touch had been a pattern from Kat for weeks now, and the Perez girl had had enough. So she answered back with no regard for the current topic.
"Kat, what the fuck is your problem? You're being a bad friend now, you were a bad friend to me, and this whole new personality is seriously unlikable" Maddy refuted against their friend, clearly having held off on spitting the words for too long.
"Worldstar!"
"Why? Because I won't listen to you bitch and moan about your psychotic, abusive boyfriend who you've literally broken up with a thousand times?"
"It was literally the lowest point in my life, so yeah. That, and the fact that you're just fucking mean"
"Maddy, ever since I've met you all you talk about is yourself. Your clothes, your boyfriends, whatever superficial shit you think is so fucking important. Sorry I'm no longer interested, but I'm definitely not the only one; maybe if Selena wasn't so sick of your bullshit too she'd be here"
"Yo, where is Sel?" BB wondered out loud, only just noticing her absence.
To Cassie's relief, Maddy intervened with a comeback before the topic of Selena could be brought any further. "I don't know about everyone else but I miss the old Kat, y'know, the one that had a sense of humor and wasn't a fucking cunt?"
She was completely unaware that Maddy was just as scared about Selena being brought up.
"Damn"
So, that wasn't helpful either.
✫ ✬ ✫ ✬ ✫
"What was the other thing?" Lexi questioned Cassie later that evening.
When the sky had turned dark outside and they both were in bed, the blonde felt the same worries weighing on her as when the day started.
"What other thing?"
"You said you needed advice on two things" She inquired. It was hard for the youngest Howard to miss the slightest of changes in her sister's behavior. And even harder for her not to worry.
"I don't remember..." Cassie answered, dismissing the question. Whatever courage she thought she had earlier to truly open up to someone was gone, instead being replaced with tiredness and an awful headache. But at last, she thought she would try to get some answers from Lexi, so she asked. "What would you do?"
"Um, I don't know. I've never really been in a situation where two guys have been interested in me" The brunette told her, in honesty.
They knew they could trust each other with the ugliest of truths, and still, Cassie couldn't bear the thought of being fully honest with Lexi.
She was embarrassed. Maybe even a little jealous of her sister. Because of course, Cassie would be the one to get pregnant. Once again, so fucking predictable.
"That's 'cause you're shy" The blonde noted, aware of how pretty Lexi actually was. The only person oblivious to her beauty seemed to be the brunette herself.
"I guess so, but I've also never been in a situation where I've been interested in two guys"
"That's also 'cause you're shy" She reinforced, smiling as she thought of her sister's nature, completely contrary to hers.
"Maybe" The younger girl said, though she was not too convinced that was the truth. She doubted people would desire her more even if she became more outgoing. She wasn't like Cassie.
"But if you were in my situation, what would you do?"
After pondering over it for a few moments, Lexi finally answered. "Honestly, I don't think I would say anything"
And Cassie thought that was what she wanted to hear. That the best thing to do was also the easiest thing to do. No confrontation, and no breaking of hearts at her hands.
But as she heard Lexi say it, she realized maybe she wanted the exact opposite. Maybe she just wanted the truth to finally free her.
To not have to carry any secrets with her anymore, and to be able to rest in comfort, with whoever decides to stay by her side after the truth is out. "What if not saying something makes you feel really bad?"
"Worse than saying it?"
"Yeah"
"Well then, I don't think you have any other option" The brunette told her, and Cassie let out a breath as she finally found herself with somewhat of an answer.
Lexi and her saw the world from two completely opposite perspectives, yet she always found a way to have the right thing to say to her.
Even if it didn't sound nice, anything that came from her younger sister Cassie knew was truthful and right. Her assumptions, her opinions, her hunches. It was even a bit scary to talk to her, because everything Lexi said to her, even the ugliest bits, turned out to be true.
The fragile silence was broken yet again as careful words built themselves in the darkened room. "Sel asked me about you today, by the way. You should text her, let her know you're okay" Lexi informed as casually as she could.
Truth is, Selena had been asking about Cassie since the first hour she didn't see her at school on Monday, and hadn't stopped since.
Lexi knew the latina wouldn't show up to their house uninvited, so the only way her concerns could ease was with some words from the blonde herself, which she hoped her sister could bring herself to text.
On the other hand, at the mention of the Flores girl, Cassie's heart sank with guilt. The pain in her head was sharp as memories of the last time she had talked to her flashed through her head.
She had been so busy thinking of what to do about McKay, and Selena's texts remained unopened along with her calls unanswered.
But the latina simply wasn't at the top of her list at the moment, as shitty as it felt to admit, and she just wanted to keep reality as far away as possible, along with her several fuckups. "Yeah, I will — I just... I've got a lot going on right now"
"Right..." Lexi said, in understatement. She didn't know exactly what it was, but it was clear to her that Cassie was not okay. However, she also knew that that didn't give her the right to be so careless to one of their friends. "She's your friend, though"
"I know Lex, I said I'll text her" Cassie answered in annoyance, rubbing her temples with her fingers to try to ease the pain. She knew she had to, and she would, but on her own time.
The younger Howard wondered if her sister realized how selfish she sounded.
Especially as she was aware that anything involving Selena, as insignificant as it might seem, could turn into something much more delicate for the latina's stability. Cassie didn't seem to understand how much more her actions hurt someone like her, and it's not like it wasn't a bit of a pattern from her.
"She's sensitive, Cassie, you know that. You should be careful"
To someone as observant as Lexi, the involvement Selena and her sister had had became pretty fucking obvious quite rapidly. They weren't as discreet as they thought they were, and she cared about both of them, so it was easy to tell their mood changes had connections to each other.
Sadly though, she suspected it wouldn't end well. She secretly mused on how Selena had finally been able to get Cassie to notice her, considering she had been drooling for her since forever.
The latina's newfound stability these past couple of weeks hadn't gone unnoticed by her, but it was clear it was built on very weak foundations, and the inevitable collapse of it concerned her.
It was difficult not to feel some pity for her when knowing what was happening, knowing she was trying so hard and foolishly allowing herself to free fall into Cassie's touch, which was void of any real prospect.
But that was Lexi's insight on the whole thing. And Lexi wasn't a dreamer like Cassie was. So Cassie didn't see all of that.
And so Cassie didn't really make smart choices for any of the parties involved.
"I know" The blonde said, putting an end to the uncomfortable conversation.
Everything Lexi said to her, even the ugliest bits, turned out to become reality.
✫ ✬ ✫ ✬ ✫
Selena❤️
We don't have to talk about halloween, ever
Just lmk if ur okay
A series of messages with pretty much the same content infested Cassie's phone as she finally brought herself out of bed and had the will to check the device.
Blonde howard
Srry, I got really sick
See u at school
She wasn't proud of how long she had kept the girl she had just hooked up with in the dark, considering she also happened to be Selena, one of her closest friends.
She felt like shit, in fact. She knew she was being selfish, but she very much had other things to worry about.
McKay would visit on Saturday, but she had been missing school since Monday. So on Friday, she decided to finally rip off the band-aid and face her.
It didn't have to be a big deal. She knew they were bound to talk at some point, but the girl herself had said there was no rush to. She had a different main problem, and it wasn't about them.
It wasn't until third period that she saw her. She couldn't deny that the sight of her made her heart race a little. She had missed her.
She was talking to a random girl in front of her when Cassie took her usual seat beside her. It took her a while to notice.
"...Not really, but I know this guy that— oh, hi"
Cassie only gave her a tight-lipped smile as greeting. Selena was quick to read the situation.
The blonde was tense, it was clear. And she definitely wasn't in the talkative mood. So she kept it short.
"Are you feeling better?" She asked her quietly, suspecting she wasn't truly sick.
"Yeah" Howard answered, nodding her head and trying to give the girl her best reassuring smile. She couldn't keep eye contact for too long though, so her eyes were drawn back to the front of the classroom.
That was the end of the conversation.
Class, after class, after class, and not another word from Selena.
Cassie was expecting to be confronted, to have to explain herself as to why she wasn't brave enough to face her mistakes in the face, or to be able to say no on the morning after instead of acting all sweet just to ghost her afterwards.
But Flores stood respectful to word, quiet. And Howard was relieved.
She was giving her time and space. Just like she promised. Because at the end of the day, she was a woman of her word, Cassie knew. She didn't know if she liked that or if she feared it.
In class, as she stared at the brunette for the first time in days, she allowed herself to daydream.
The sight of her eyes, her hair, her lips, now transported her to that morning after. To her hair on her pillow, and her lips on her skin, and her eyes on her eyes. She realized she had never had a sweeter morning after.
After days of having no other choice but to put aside the topic of Selena and her newfound love for her, she now found herself so close to her again.
She quickly realized there wasn't much she could do to make progress on her situation with McKay while at school so, at once, her brain roamed freely with other thoughts.
The blonde would see him in just a matter of hours, and she would tell him she was pregnant. And she would face the consequences. But she didn't want to think about him yet.
Part of her just wished she lived in a different universe where Selena could have gotten her pregnant so she could give the news to her instead.
She thought about a world where she could just run to her and tell her that what seemed like the worst mistake of their lives turned out to be the biggest blessing.
She wouldn't be as nervous, and she knew the girl would have her back. Except, she spends all of her income on drugs and isn't so good at stressful situations.
But to think about Selena Flores as a mother... even the thought made her laugh softly, ignoring some of her classmates' weirded-out glances at her.
Selena and a baby was a strange thought, for sure, but it wasn't difficult to believe that it would bring out a soft spot in her, and it would admittedly be really cute.
A baby.
She wondered what she herself would be like as a mother. If she would be like Suze, or if she would be different.
That kid would love Lexi, that's for sure, and they would visit her often. Oh, because they would definitely leave town, go far away. Selena would be more than happy to leave with her.
She knows she would do a better job than her parents, so she doesn't turn out like she did. Or he. She would be content with both.
If it was a girl, Cassie would warn her about boys, teach her how to do her makeup, and they would go shopping together. She would keep her away from all her creepy relatives, and maybe teach her how to skate.
If it was a boy, he could skate, too. Or maybe he'd like football, like his father.
McKay would play with him in their backyard, and she would watch with a smile on her face and a lemonade in her hand. And maybe she would finally feel peace.
Maybe that's the love she was missing. The love from her own son, or daughter. Maybe that would finally be enough.
But, playing ball was about the only thing McKay would do, for sure.
Selena would play ball, or have tea with dolls, or have serious chats, or actually teach their kid about life. She would keep them safe, and she would keep them healthy, even if she herself wasn't.
Because she definitely wouldn't be.
Because she's a complete mess of a human being; she is obsessive, overprotective, she keeps her feelings to herself, she makes terrible decisions. She's a drug addict.
Cassie was fantasizing about raising a kid with a drug addict. With a girl who grew up with no mother figure, who felt and resented the abandonment of her biological parents, who needed a gum, or a cigarette, or a pill in her system to be at peace. A girl that loved all too intensely, and hated just the same.
She doesn't like to think about it, but the times where Cassie looks at Selena's brown eyes and sees her dad's eyes are more frequent than she likes to admit.
Would Selena be the type of parent her dad was? Or would she do better?
Would she let drugs consume her entire world like that? Until she's not even capable of taking her kids for ice cream?
She was aware that Selena wasn't perfect, but was it too crazy to think they could have a good future together? Maybe she could get better, next to her.
It wasn't like her dad was so terrible. She loved him, like, really fucking loved him.
She missed him often, though she always understood that her parents simply weren't right for each other, and she never wished for them to stay unhappily together for Lexi and her.
That didn't make the lack of him any less painful, however. Didn't make her miss singing together in his car or having him hug her any less.
She remembers her birthday parties when she was younger, how he spent them surrounded by different women craving his attention, and how she found it difficult to understand why.
But then she grew up, and people started treating her differently because of her looks as well, and she felt sympathy for him when her mom got mad at him for it.
It wasn't his fault that those women couldn't respect his boundaries, and yet Suze always got mad, and blamed him.
Was it her fault, then? Did she provoke the guys enough for them to think it was okay to take private videos of her without her consent? She preferred to think not, and so she preferred to side with her dad.
Her mom could complain about him all she wanted but he really did love Suze, and he really did love them, Cassie and Lexi.
When no one else thought she was talented enough, he kept taking her to her skating lessons, giving wings to her dreams. Until he crushed those same dreams when he could no longer afford the lessons.
Up and downs, and highs and lows, and it was all so exhausting when she thought about it. Was Selena going to be the same? Hasn't she been pretty much that already? Is she really worth all the trouble?
The ascent on the rollercoaster felt like a dream come true; the excitement, and the views, the tight hand-holding, and the warm sun hitting on their faces as they wait for the drop excitedly, ignorantly.
Because then the drop comes, and all the air leaves their lungs, and suddenly the sun is too much, their fingernails wound each other's skin with how hard they're gripping each other's hands, and they realize they have no seatbelts on.
Would Selena do the same as her dad? Make her feel like she's finally understood, and taken care of, until the addiction becomes too much and the facade crumbles and all she's left with is apologetic, guilty bloodshot eyes? It was a scary thought.
And what was scarier was how realistic it was.
She has seen Selena high, on numerous occasions. She's normally peaceful when she's high, and Cassie can't say she dislikes that.
But what happens when she asks her to quit, and she tries to but it becomes too much, and she blames Cassie, and she throws their lives away for some pills?
She doesn't know.
She doesn't know the answer to her questions.
She doesn't know what will be of her.
She doesn't know what will be of her dad.
She doesn't know what will be of Selena.
She doesn't know why she feels the need to stick around for the girl.
She doesn't know why she feels the urge to leave every rational thought behind and just wait and see what happens. By her side. With her and her shaky hands and her weak knees and all her issues.
She doesn't know why, after living in a house with an alcoholic mother and a pill-abusing father, she still smiles when she fantasizes about unrealistic times with the brunette.
Maybe she's just completely fucked up in the head. But isn't everyone, a little bit?
How can she judge Selena when they're both just as fucked up? When they're just as addicted to each other?
How could she not want to taste the ashes of their love after it burns down? Because it definitely will burn down, it will end up exploding but it will be so predictable that they will just watch, as their time runs out and as they wait for their faith in peace, knowing that they don't belong to each other but still wanting to spend their last moments together, in the middle of that deathly detonation.
That just makes them the perfect pair.
✫ ✬ ✫ ✬ ✫
Being the perfect pair doesn't imply exclusivity. Especially not when Cassie had a boy beside her and was about to tell him that she was pregnant with his baby.
In special cases like these, she couldn't just run off to the flashiest person of the two. She couldn't actually ask Selena to raise a baby with her, far away from their town where their friends and family lived and just try together, for the sake of trying.
Reality was much more complicated, and McKay stood way closer to her at this moment, and he was a good guy.
"I'm pregnant"
A man of family values, close to his parents, or as close as a man can be to his father. The silent resentment he had against him could easily be seen as too-overwhelming love. They were good.
"What? Are you for real? Like, you're 100% pregnant?"
He was confident, and healthy, with a bright future ahead of him. He was smart, or as smart as a man can be.
"Yeah"
"I... I'm sorry, uh, are you alright?"
"Yeah, I'm– 'm just a little bit nervous"
He was understanding, his chest was strong and comfortable and he always smelled nice. He had a good level of self-esteem, he looked after himself. Never too risky, with him.
"Nervous about what?"
Looked after his close ones.
"Of what you're gonna say"
Looked after his image.
"You're not really thinking about having this kid, are you?"
Looked after his future.
"I really love you, McKay"
He wasn't Selena; he was far from being like her. And that was exactly what made him good for her.
"Yeah I love you too, but I'm doing a lot of shit right now. I'm in the middle of school right now. It's a big fucking responsibility, Cassie" I love you too, he had said, like it was absolutely fucking nothing.
Can you get out of my sight so I can keep watching TV? He could have said, and both sentences would have had the exact same tone.
"What if this is what I'm supposed to do with my life?"
He was clearly stressed, but so was she. She was scared, too. Why couldn't he be sympathetic like she always was with him?
Always trying and failing to make him feel better. Always just a pretty thing around his arm. She probably held the same value to him as a pair of sunglasses or a chain around his neck. Meanwhile, she spent all week thinking about raising a child with him.
"What the fuck... My parents are gonna kill me. My coach is gonna kill me. My parents are gonna fucking kill me, fuck"
She heard his concerned whispers as she observed him with tears in her eyes, already feeling the rejection as she sat and listened to him, reprimanding her for having feelings, and dreams, and being the stupid, stupid girl that she was.
"Cass, I don't even think you wanna have this baby, okay? It's not a— it's not a fucking fairytale. Like — it may seem all cute and cuddly to you, but this is real shit. I'm not even ready to be a dad! I don't know if that's selfish to say or whatever, but... children are fucking scary"
And she knew before the words hit the walls, it was over. They were done for.
"You wanted to talk about it, so here we are, we're talking about it, but I say we don't do it"
It wasn't really about the baby, it was about them. It was about her.
Just like with every man in her life, the ride had reached its end and as she sits there trying and failing to stop her crying, she realizes she's sad about it. Sad that all her efforts lead to nowhere, again. She thought he would be different.
She's sad, but not surprised.
Definitely not surprised. Maybe in another universe, but definitely not in this one. In this one, it was clear they weren't going to work.
She had spent all week trying to hold on to the last bits of their failed relationship, hoping maybe she would have enough time to glue things back together.
"I'm not saying I'm gonna have a baby. I just wanted to dream about it for a minute" She explained. She knew this from the moment the fantasizing started.
She guessed she just wanted to give herself a bit of comfort, and decided to wait to face the truth until the weekend arrived.
And now the weekend was here, and she finally said it out loud, and McKay was going to be gone for good from her life.
"You'll make the best mother on the planet one day. I say that without a doubt"
He held her for the last time. It was a nice goodbye, better than others she has had before. But now he was free from her, a future clear from Cassie Howard.
And Cassie, well, she couldn't get rid of herself, and she couldn't stay all day in bed anymore.
"Mom, I think I need your help"
UNEDITED sorry for any mistakes BUT omg an update?????
Idk if there's anyone still reading this lol but I love this book, it will be the death of me though, it is so difficult to write, that's my excuse ig😚
So yeah this was kind of a special episode, I know not much happened. I knew I wanted to do a Cassie POV kind of thing at some point, just to show how messed up she is and how, even though her actions are wild and make no sense, she isn't much of a villain (IN SEASON 1 let's not talk abt season 2 yet), just a girl with a lot of issues that's trying her best and failing miserably.
(ALSO that last line is just Cassie about to tell suze that she's pregnant, I now realize it seems like a very dramatic cliffhanger leading to something but it's absolutely nothing lol. Next update will be back to normal with the plot!! :)
Stream beabadoobee <3