June 29th
Jenna POV
I woke to the early dawn morning casting a blueish-gray hue over my room. I hear the birds outside singing as I lift myself up to sit on the edge of the bed. My eyes shut letting the sound of the birds relax me, taking a breath, remembering where I am.
I'm in District 12. My neighbor is Haymitch Abernathy. Soon I will walk down to the Merchant area to visit the bakery where my best friend Peeta Mellark lives and works with his family. His father always has some fresh baked cookies for me to take home. They're always a different flavor and I look forward to tasting them all.
My eyes blink open and I smile to myself slightly. It's a small thing to look forward to but it's something to keep me going. My favorite so far has been the gooey blueberry lemon cookies he's made me twice so far.
I heave myself up from the bed, my bare feet resting on the cool wooden floors of my bedroom. My house. It still feels weird saying that, that this house is mine. That I have my own bedroom. My own bed.
After growing up in a community family home in the Seam, where we would sometimes be stuck two to three girls in a bed, I could have never imagined having such nice things to myself. To have such peaceful quietness to myself. Well peaceful quietness until the thoughts and memories set in. Sometimes the paranoia gets so bad I can't leave the house for weeks at a time.
It makes me consider drowning myself in liquor like Haymitch but I can't stand the taste or the way it makes my head feel the next day.
I make it to the bathroom, looking in the mirror. I sigh, turning away. I hate looking at my reflection now. The scar that stretches across my face is repulsive. Some tell me I should be proud but it's just a constant reminder of things I'd rather forget. I don't think anyone in the district is even surprised by it anymore.
I pull my hair from the loose bun atop my head, start letting the bath fill before dropping my clothes onto the floor and step into the warmth of the water. I let it fill around me, soothing the aching in my body and quiet my mind.
I turn the water off and sink down until just the top of my head from my nose up is above the water. It's the only place where I can feel relaxed any more. But this week, it doesn't last long, there's too much anxiety and the memories start flooding in.
City ruins. Abandoned buildings. Heat. So hot all I wanted to do was strip from my clothes. Blood. Fights. Killing. Constant fear and paranoia, knowing at any moment it could be your last. Knowing that when it's down to you and just one other person you have no choice but to fight like hell and hope you come out on top, then living with the fact that you took an innocent person's life from them.
I feel the tears sliding from my eyes, silently mixing with the bath water as the images flash behind my eyes.
Two years. In five days it will have been two years since I was reaped for the games. Two years since I killed five fellow tributes and won by killing a sixth. Two years since I was stuck in that horrible arena for 5 torturous weeks.
It all still hurts. The memories. The paranoia. The scars I refused to let the capitol heal. I feel so alone all of the time. I let my head slip under the water. Letting the heat engulf me completely, I squeeze my eyes shut, arms wrapping around my body and I think how easy it would be.
How easy I could just let go right now. Let my lungs fill with water and it would all be over with. I wouldn't have to deal with the pain any more. I feel this urge bubbling up in my chest, this painful urge clawing at my throat to open my mouth as my lungs scream for air.
Just as I'm about to give in, just let the darkness grab me and pull me under. I feel a pair of hands on me, pulling me up and out of the water. I scream because am I back there? Am I back in that arena? My arms flail, water splashing from the tub as my fist makes contact with flesh but I can't tell who it is because my body is wild with adrenaline and my mind is hazy from lack of oxygen.
Then arms are wrapping around me, a voice shushing me, and something is being wrapped around me and I'm crying. Sobbing.
"Sh. You're okay." It's Haymitch. I can tell by the stench of alcohol on his breath. He stops by sometimes. When he's not so drunk he's passed out somewhere. "You're not there anymore. You're safe."
I cling to the arms around me. Haymitch and I have our differences. Hell, we barely like one another but we have an understanding, something that binds people like us. I mean, he's a big reason I'm even still alive. He holds me while I cry, body wracking sobs eventually dying off into soft sniveling and his grip on me loosens.
"If I leave you here to finish up you're not gonna try and off yourself again are you?" He asks, raising an eyebrow at me in question.
"I wasn't trying to off myself," I respond, grumbling.
"That's what it looked like to me," He says, crossing his arms, looking down at me with a weary, father-like sadness in his eyes and I drop my head.
"I wasn't. I wanted to but I can't. I can never do it," I heave a breath tightening my arms around the towel around me, "I'm not strong enough."
I feel tears in my eyes again, see him out the corner of my eye kneeling next to the tub. He pushes a piece of hair behind my ear, so tender, a side of him he won't let anyone else see but I guess it's okay for someone who understands him. Who never blamed him after he "failed" to bring home any other victors before myself.
"You're strong because you can't, Jenna," He says sternly, a direct contradiction to the tender touch but I know the tone. It's how he speaks when he wants me to really understand what he's saying. I raise my eyes to his gray ones. "You are strong because you fight every day. You fought to live as a child in a home that abused you, starved you, with no real family. You fought to live in that arena. And you're fighting to live right now. You're stronger than you think and in a week some girl who was just like you is going to need you to help her to fight. Okay?"
I nod. I hear what he's saying. I know what I'll have to do in a week—my first year mentoring. But I also know that Haymitch won't take his own advice. The day of the reaping he'll be so drunk he won't be able to walk straight. Won't be able to talk to the new tributes for the whole train ride, so drunk he'll have to lay down so the ride doesn't make him puke.
He gives me an unconvincing smile, patting the top of my head before standing and leaving the bathroom. I throw the sopping wet towel onto the floor, quickly washing up, leaving my hair down to dry and getting dressed in a pair of brown, long-sleeve black shirt and pulling on my boots, heading down stairs.
I find Haymitch in my kitchen, a darkening mark on his cheek and eating the leftover stale cookies from my last trip to the bakery. It had been a mixed batch of classic cookies. I wasn't a huge fan of snicker-doodles, but the way he was scarfing them down told me he either loved them or was so drunk the last few days he didn't eat anything. Most likely the latter.
"Pick me up some?" Haymitch asks, mouth full of cookie as he holds up a near empty bottle and wiggles it. The clear liquid inside sloshing around.
I roll my eyes but nod. "Yeah, I see what Ripper's got in stock."
"Anything. Get me anything," He says, eyes fixed on me seriously. I feel a pang of pity for the man. I give him a thumbs up, sling my bag over my shoulder and head out the front door.
I enjoy the walk from the Victor Village to the merchant area. It's not a long walk but it's quiet and there's lots of trees around. I like to hear the birds sing but there's not much other wildlife around, anything else would be found outside of the fence.
I know of a few people, like my father, who would go beyond the fence to hunt, gather fruits and other things. It's dangerous but to a lot of people, especially in the Seam where I'm from, the danger is worth it if it means food or trade for your family.
The Merchant area is already filled with people and I make my way to the Hob first and spot Ripper almost immediately in her usual spot. Before, when I lived in the family home, if I wanted to buy anything from the Hob I would have had to scramble to find something worth trading but now? Well, now I have more money than I could ever need, no trade necessary.
Ripper doesn't make much conversation today, but she knows what I'm here for. She pulls two bottles out, I give her a small smile that she returns, we exchange the bottles for the money and we both pretend I didn't slip in a little extra. I do that now. Because I can.
I like to help out the people who have been around. They may not have had the means to help me before but I like to think they would have if they were able to. Or maybe not. Either way it makes me feel good to help them out since I don't have a family of my own. I put the bottles in my bag and turn away.
The same process happens as I make my way over to Greasy Sae, a bony old woman who sells soup from a large kettle. I find myself still enjoying her makings even now that I've had the luxury of the foods the capitol provides and the more expensive foods I can afford now from the other merchant shops.
She smiles as I walk up, dumping a few ladles of soup into a container. "I haven't seen you around for a while."
I nod my head, it has been a while since I've visited her. "The last weeks have been rough." I answer and I know she understands what I mean by the look in her tired gray eyes.
"Let me know if there's anything I can get for you, yeah?" I ask as I pay her, slipping in a bit of extra money like I had with Ripper. She notices but doesn't say anything, but the corner of her mouth tips up, head nodding once in a silent thanks.
"Anything you can get your hands on from that Mellark Bakery would do," She says and I grin. She knows that I could get her just about anything she asked for from the bakery but I just nod my head.
"I'll see what I can do before I leave," I answer with a smile before turning away. I think I'll bring her a few loaves of bread and something sweet. She'll keep a loaf for herself and sell the extra slices on the side to make extra coins along with the soup.
As I turn away a familiar pair of eyes catch mine and I feel my stomach flip. Gale. He's my age, 18, we had been in school together, more than acquaintances but not quite friends. I always thought he was so handsome and kind.
He stands next to Katniss, a girl I've know for a few years, our parents were friends before the incident at the mines killed her father and both of my parents. She is talking with a merchant about purchasing a squirrel and I notice a basket of strawberries as well, they look delicious and I know they'll have no trouble selling or trading them.
Good. At least they'll get a half decent trade for those.
I lift my hand up in a shy wave that he returns with a smile that makes me blush. I know he notices but I turn away. I'm not sure if he and Katniss are together sometimes it seems like they are and other I'm not sure. I'm also not sure if he's even interested in me or if he just thinks it's funny to watch me stumble over my words when we do talk. He probably thinks I'm just another silly girl that fawns over him at school.
I shake my head and hurry down the street to the bakery. I'm in desperate need of my best friend. I see him immediately tossing a large bag of flour as if it was nothing and snigger to myself.
"Careful hot shot, you're gonna have all the girls swooning if you keep that up," I grin, watching him spin around at the sound of my voice, rolling his eyes when I pretend to swoon and faint into his arms as he gets closer.
"You're an idiot," He snorts, pushing me off before pulling me into a tight hug.
We just saw each other a few days ago but I can't help how much I miss him when we're apart. He's the closest thing I've ever had to family, the only constant I've ever had in my life, so I breathe him in and tell him how much I missed him and he returns the favor.
"Come in, dad'll be glad to see you," He says pulling me along, before we're through the door the eyes of Gale catch mine again, holding my gaze until we're out of sight.
"Jenna!" The bright greeting come from Mr. Mellark when the bell from the bakery door dings.
"Mr. Mellark, how are you doing today?" I ask, accepting the hug as he comes around the counter and opens his arms.
"I'm okay. This week is busy as usual," His voice goes a bit solemn at the silent reasoning, briefly scanning the scar on my face as if he's forgotten how I got it in the first place. Business is always busy before the reaping.
I don't blame him. I try not to think about it too. "What can I get for you today? I've got your cookies in the back now!" He says changing the topic of conversation and I see Peeta reach for me. I let him pull me closer, rubbing at my wrist comfortingly.
"Oh! What flavor can I expect today?" I ask, hoping my honest excitement will reassure him his comment didn't upset me.
"I did half and half for you," He grins, walking around the counter and opening the cookie box in his hands and my mouth waters immediately. "Strawberry butter cookies and blueberry lemon cookies. both of which I've noticed are favorites of yours," I nod my head eagerly, reaching for a blueberry one and taking a large bite.
"So gooey and still warm!" I exclaim happily, Peeta and Mr. Mellark laugh at my happiness. I finish off the cookie as he closes the box and sets it on the counter. I hum happily as I swallow the last bite.
"I'm gonna get a loaf of the cinnamon raisin bread as well as half a dozen cheese buns," I say, thinking how good those buns will taste with the soup I got as well.
"You got it," Mr. Mellark says, turning away to package up the breads and cookies.
"Come over this evening?" I ask Peeta quietly, leaning my head against his shoulder.
"Of course," He nods, laying his head against mine for a moment. Once everything is packaged I gather it all, tell Mr. Mellark goodbye and walk out of the shop with Peeta. He walks a little ways with me in silence.
"I think I'm going to head over to the Everdeen house, buy some goat milk from Prim to go with my bread and cookies," I say as we stop.
"Yeah I've gotta get back, but I'll be at your place right after sundown as usual," He says and I nod my head, "Save me some cookies," He jokes, nudging me with his elbow.
"Always," I nudged him back, leaning in to kiss his cheek before we go our separate ways.
I don't go down to the Seam very often. Only if I'm visiting Prim for milk or visiting a friend from the family home, but I avoid it. There's not many good memories here.
One of the first buildings I pass down the path towards the Everdeen house is the family home. It seems more run down than the last time I passed by. I recognize most of the kids my age that are hanging around but not too many of the younger ones.
A small group of girls are sitting around a picnic bench out front. I know the moment they notice me because the girl with bright blonde hair, Sarah, smiles and waves at me. We were close before. Like sisters almost. But her real sister quickly yanks her hand down when I return the wave, whispering harshly to her. The other three girls look my way, all girls I had considered my friends once upon a time, they give me dirty looks and sneers.
When I was chosen at the reaping they had all come to see me. Crying. Begging me to fight, win and come home. But once I was back they had treated me like an outcast. Like they weren't practically my family. It hurt. I thought they would be happy for me. Now I don't know if they were jealous or if they just saw me different after watching me kill six people.
I make direct eye contact with Sarah, wishing I could speak with her, ask her what I did to make them hate me, but anytime I get close her sister pulls her away like they don't even want to be seen associating with me.
So I hold my head up high, let them see I'm un phased and continue on. I can't spend my time wondering what I did to make them hate me.
The house comes into view and I notice Prim outside, a cat curled up in her lap and a book on the stairs next to her.
"Hey, there, Prim," I greet, smiling when she looks up.
"Hey, Jenna, you here for some milk?" She asks, looking up at me, she's so young and I can't help but remember that she turned 12 just a few months ago and that means this will be her first year in the reaping. I pray I won't have to mentor her. I notice that she's looking at my scar, she usually does when I come around. It doesn't phase me.
"Yes. I want to get two bottles from you," Her smile widens and she stands up, hurrying inside. I can hear her rustling around inside and smile to myself.
I hear quiet talking and turn to see Gale and Katniss walking up. I notice that they still have a squirrel and I think I may buy it. Not only do I think it would be delicious but it means they weren't able to trade it.
"Jenna, hey," Katniss greets.
"Hey, Katniss," I respond, my eyes flirting to Gale shyly, "Gale."
"What bring you down this way?" Gale asks, and I avoid the knowing look on Katniss' face. Maybe they aren't together?
"Just buying some goat milk from Prim," I shrug, nothing new, eyeing the squirrel. "Are you looking to get that squirrel off your hands?"
Katniss looks down at the squirrel, at Gale then back at me. "Yes," She nods eagerly and I know that means she's probably been trying all day to get someone to buy or trade for it.
"Great." Prim walked out then, two large bottles of Goat milk in hand. I had the money for the squirrel and the milk over to Katniss.
I gave definitely more than what was owed, but it doesn't matter. I won't mention it, neither will they. I see the look on their faces. They know what I did. I can tell by the relief in Katniss' eyes and the softening in Gales. Prim doesn't know any different and I'm glad. I tell them to enjoy the rest of their day and turn to leave.
"Hey, Jenna, wait up!" I turn when I hear Gale calling my name. He's jogging towards me and behind him I see Katniss leading Prim inside and...she's smiling at me.
"Yeah?" I ask as he comes to a stop in front of me. He looks nervous, even so he still looks so handsome.
"Is this the last time you'll be out in town before the reaping and you know, before you have to leave?" He asks, I'm confused but I shake my head.
"I'll be back in a few days, promised Greasy Sae I would get her some goodies from the bakery before I leave," I say and there it is again, him looking at me with that soft sweet gaze that makes me want to melt.
"Okay," He nods but doesn't say anything else for a moment. I'm wondering if I should walk away before he sighs. "Sorry, I'm just—well, I was wondering if you would want to get together sometime, meet up and have lunch together?"
I can feel my heart pounding in my chest, my stomach isn't flipping, it's doing somersaults and I can feel my cheeks are on fire. Gale just asked me out. My crush since I was a kid just asked me out. I'm nodding before my mouth says anything and a huge grin spreads across his lips.
"Yes, yeah. I would like that a lot," I answer, tucking my hair behind my ear nervously. "You could meet me at my house?"
"That would be nice," He says, nodding, shoving his hands in his pockets.
"I'll see you then," I respond, smiling up at him before taking a step away and heading down the path that leads back to the Merchant area, smiling to myself like a crazy person.