CHAPTER XII
“I HAD TO DO IT”
NOAH CROUCHED LOW AS AIDAN BECKONED her to follow him along the side of the roof, making sure no one could see them in the floodlights from some of the taller buildings. They both had their flashlights on dim, giving them enough light to see in front of them, but not enough to alert any warnings with FEDRA. As they reached the corner of the roof of their apartment building, the two of them were in a blind spot of spotlights, so Aidan stood upright, Noah taking that as a sign that she could too.
Her eyes widened, reflecting off the sparkling QZ, everything looked a whole lot more prettier in the night time. From their apartment window, she could see some of this, but it wasn’t close to being this cool looking. The city spread out further than her eye could see, the lights seeming to ignite for miles, glowing into the sky and getting mixed with the moonlight.
“Cool, right?” Aidan smiled smugly, looking from the view down to his sister, the smugness fading as he saw the genuine fascination with the night.
“Yeah… So cool,” Noah breathed out. Her head turned from the QZ, looking to the west. And that’s when her eyebrows furrowed into confusion.
The lights stopped all of a sudden, dipping into an abyss. It was the wall. You couldn’t see anything past it, what was out there. Noah had heard rumors of what was out there, sure. A couple stories from Remy now and then, some from Aidan. Her parents stayed silent on the subject, everytime they asked it turned awkward, everyone averting their eyes.
“What is really out there?” Noah asked, staring up at her brother.
He shrugged, tucking his hands in his pocket, looking into the darkness himself. “I’ve only really been a mile out? At the most. Smugglers come through, we take the trade, and then we go our separate ways until the next time. We’re all advised not to go further than the end of the road block… It’s where all the cars are piled up, there’s this chain link fence. That’s where the real city begins, where everything begins.”
“Do you ever want to go past the chain link fence?”
“Everyday,” Aidan scoffed, smiling sadly. “There’s a whole fucking world out there, and they trap us in Boston of all places? Like, yeah, I get that it's probably dangerous, but… It’s already dangerous in here. I risk my life everyday for the Fireflies, I wake up and I think, ‘huh, maybe today they’ll catch me’. I’ll slip up and they’ll wrap a rope around my throat—”
“Please, don’t say that,” Noah frowned, a pained expression on her face as she remembered what Sloane had told her earlier. She didn’t want to admit it, but what she had said was a real possibility. It was a nightmare she had everytime she closed her eyes.
“Sorry,” Aidan cleared his throat, adjusting his position after he noticed how upset his little sister looked. He took a quick glance around the area, scratching at the back of his head before silently deciding on something. “Okay, so, I think they’ve got outside the wall.”
“Mom and dad have gone out there?” Noah asked worriedly, looking over to where it seemed the world just stopped. Nothing left. “If you were going to mention that, you didn’t have to begin with all that freaky stuff about how dangerous it is out there.”
“Sorry, I didn’t mean to scare you,” Aidan apologized sincerely, crouching down onto his knee to be on the same level as her. “We won’t go out there tonight, I don’t want to get you hurt, but… We can look out for them from here.” He turned to look over his shoulder, pointing down from the roof of the apartment building to where there was a dumpster filled with cardboard. “Down there is the entrance to the tunnel. It goes pretty much all over the place depending on what path you go down, but the main one leads you right under the wall.”
“And that’s where they’ve gone,” Noah stated.
“Exactly,” Aidan nodded, looking back at her. He noticed how, even in the darkness, she was standing out a lot. “Hold on.” He leaned up, pulling her beanie further down over her hair, tucking in the leftover strands to her hood, making sure it was mostly unseen. “There. If we’re gonna look out for mom and dad, we have to keep out of sight of everyone else.”
“I hate having red hair,” Noah scowled, looking down at a strand Aidan had missed, pushing it under her collar for him. “It’s stupid. No one in school has it.”
“Hey, it’s not stupid,” Aidan argued. “You know what’s good about red hair?” Noah raised an eyebrow, telling him ‘obviously not’. “I know where you are at all times. See, if you’re missing, I can just look out for red, and I’ve found you. You can do the same with me.”
“Not right now,” Noah frowned, ruffling up the beanie that was pulled over his head. “That hat kind of messes up your plan.”
“Well, we’re not going to lose each other tonight,” Aidan reassured her with a smile. Noah almost missed seeing that smile, she missed her brother in general. This had been the first time they had hung out in a long time, ever since he joined the Fireflies. “I promise.”
“You better,” Noah retorted, punching him in the shoulder.
Aidan took it like a champ, not even flinching back. “You’re getting better at that.”
“They’ve got us practicing in the gym now,” Noah shrugged, looking down at her knuckles, the last lessons bruises only just fading. “The wrapping isn't too good, and the bags are stupid hard. It’s like there’s rocks in there or something.”
“Well, that’s exactly what a face is gonna feel like when you punch it,” Aidan told her, chuckling slightly. “Believe me. It fucking hurts to punch someone’s jaw. Even if it doesn’t look it, you’re gonna be expecting a bruise whether you’ve got wrapping or not.”
“Who have you been punching?” Noah furrowed her eyebrows, concern growing.
“Don’t worry about it,” Aidan said, waving his hand and standing back up onto his feet. He took another look over the edge of the building, seeing the street below them was clear. “Okay, I think we’ve gotta take this moment to go. We’re gonna go down the fire escape.”
Noah followed him with silent agreement. He hopped over the wall that tried to protect anyone from falling off the roof, landing roughly on the fire escape a couple feet below them. The girl took a look down from her safer position, frowning slightly at the long drop. It hadn’t been a problem for Aidan, but he was a lot taller than her.
“I’ll catch you if you need it, alright?” Aidan told her comfortingly, holding out his arms, ready. “Come on. You’ve done a lot worse. Remember when you managed to end up on the third floor window of the history block. You got thrown in the hole for that one.”
“That was a complete accident,” Noah sighed, rolling her eyes at the memory. However, it did help her get the courage to climb over the wall, her fingertips gripping into the brick.
She outstretched her arms, lowering her legs as far as they would go, Aidan keeping his hands at her back just in case. There was no need as Noah dropped impulsively, landing just as roughly on the metal grating as Aidan had done with only painfully scratched fingertips.
“Not too bad, right?” Aidan smiled smugly.
“Don’t make that face at me,” Noah crossed her arms before gesturing forward. “Go on, then, Spiderman. We’re in a hurry, aren’t we?”
“You’re right,” Aidan admitted, swinging himself down onto the ladder smoothly, it shaking underneath his weight at the years of weathering and rusting. Noah followed after him once he’d reached the next landing, the two of them carrying on all the way down to the alley below them.
Noah let out a deep breath as her shoes hit the concrete, brushing off her jacket. Aidan took the time to adjust his backpack straps, looking around them, making sure they were still in the clear. However, he didn’t look fast enough. A roar of an engine burst from the end of the alley, the boy already diving for cover when Noah lifted her eyes up from her jacket. She looked around in confusion of where her brother had gone, but when she finally found him hiding behind a tree further away, she had been plunged into the headlights of the FEDRA truck.
Her breath got caught in her throat, her heart thumping against her chest in fear. She looked behind her at Aidan for help, but he only put a finger to his lips, telling her to keep quiet about his position. She gritted her teeth, a fire burning at her stomach that he was protecting himself before her. She didn’t know what to do. FEDRA could kill her for being out past curfew, especially when they’ve been on high alert for Fireflies for the last couple weeks.
She’d seen them kill kids before, some even younger than her. Sometimes they hadn’t even been Fireflies — of course they hadn’t, they had been, like, five — their parents just happened to be Fireflies instead. FEDRA killed generations because they couldn’t risk the agenda carrying on through naive children. Oh, God. She was going to be shot. Or maybe detained, and then hung. There was no way out of this, she should just accept—
“Noah, what the hell?” a voice demanded.
Noah’s closed eyes snapped open, having just been about to give herself up, but instead she found a shadowed figure marching their way up to her through the headlights. As they stepped closer, his face became clearer, Remy giving her a confused, but irritated, look.
“Remy? What are you—? I was just—” Noah stammered, not sure how to explain herself. Should she lie? He was her best friend. But he had been lying to her anyway. Maybe not lying, just withholding the truth. She should stay quiet. “Uh, hey there. Nice night, am I right?”
Remy looked exasperated, turning his head over his shoulder when he heard the slam of the other truck door, another figure about to get out. “No, Joe. No, it’s fine. I’ll sort it.”
“You sure?” Joe grunted, but it didn’t look like he really cared, seeing as he swung himself back into the passenger seat before Remy could even answer, shutting the door.
Sighing, Remy turned back to Noah, giving her a glare. “Noah, you shouldn’t be out here. You know what they’ll do if they find you out after curfew. Does that not scare you?”
“Of course it does,” Noah assured him, still unsure of what she was going to be able to get herself out of this. “I was just getting some air. The windows don’t open in my apartment, I just felt a little suffocated. That’s all.”
“Still, Noah. I’ve gotta…” Remy swallowed, his anger fading at his friend’s genuine expression. Noah felt the guilt creeping up her throat at the position she had just put him in. “I’ve gotta report this, you know that, right? And even if I don’t, Joe’ll go blabbing about it.” He groaned, putting a hand to his forehead, massaging the creases between his eyebrows. “Jesus, Noah.”
“Look, I’m really sorry,” Noah apologized furiously, turning over her shoulder while he had his hand over his face, seeing Aidan still hiding behind the tree. However, he wasn’t looking over at her, instead he seemed to be messing with something in his hands. Noah furrowed her eyebrows, but turned back to Remy before he could catch her.
“Look, I mean…” Remy thought about it, dropping his hand back to his side. He clicked his tongue before nodding. “I’ll keep quiet about it, okay? I won’t say anything if no one asks, that’s the only way we can both possibly get out of this situation without trouble.”
Noah nodded hurriedly, agreeing immediately. “No, yeah. That sounds great. Thank you, seriously. I was just coming to get some air. That was honestly it.”
“I believe you,” Remy assured her, smiling just the littlest bit, but Noah was sure she wouldn’t have been able to see it if it hadn't been just a little darker. “Now, go on. I think you—”
“Noah, run!” Aidan’s voice roared from behind the tree.
“What—?” Noah began, but it was too late when she saw a burst of fire flying past her eyes. The molotov hit the roof of the truck, getting stuck in the metal railings along the top.
Remy’s eyes widened in fear, head turning in confusion, but in a last minute decision, he pushed out his elbow as hard as possible, throwing Noah out of the way. The girl hit the concrete a few feet away, the truck catching fire and exploding before her eyes. Her heart punched into her ribcage painfully, tears welling up in her eyes as she watched Remy’s body get flung into the alley wall in front of her, sliding down to the concrete, limp.
The sound rang in her ears, Noah shaking as she couldn’t focus on anything. Fiery debris rained from the heavens, clattering around her, grazing her arms and legs. All that was left of the vehicle was the base of it, three of the wheels having rolled down the sides of the alley, air punctured out of them. The soldier named Joe who had been in the car’s body was in pieces, blood shining over the alleyway.
Hands grabbed a hold of her backpack, trying to pull her up from the ground. The ringing in Noah’s ears stopped abruptly as she shoved Aidan away from her, an anger bubbling in her stomach that was overwhelming. She breathed in out heavily, his eyes not even registering her expression as he stared wildly into the depths of the destruction he had caused.
“Holy shit!” he yelled, something manic in the way he laughed at it. Noah not even recognizing him as he took joy in their deaths. “Did you see the way that guy got blown into smithereens—!?”
“You killed him!” Noah interjected, fury in her eyes as she shoved him backwards again. This time his heels hit the curb, sending him down to his back, the laugh fading from his face. He furrowed his eyebrows as he stared from his sister to the only body intact in the alley. “Why!? He was going to let me go! He wasn’t going to say anything!”
“Who—!?” Aidan tried to ask, but Noah just turned away.
Breathing heavily, she fell to her knees on the other side of the alley, Remy’s body sitting limply beside her. Her lip quivered as she saw the shard of glass stabbing through his eye, going right into his brain. Blood rushed down his cheek, dripping in slow, agonizing spills onto the concrete, staining the memory in Noah’s mind.
“Remy, please— I didn’t mean it—!” Noah pleaded, but she knew it was too late. She grabbed a hold of his hand, noticing how her entire body was shaking uncontrollably. Remy couldn’t respond, he couldn’t even squeeze her hand. He had saved her, and she had gotten him killed.
From the distance, there were engines humming their ways towards them, shouting leading the way. Aidan scrambled his way off the concrete, staring out through the flames to see headlights shining in from the distance. His legs moved faster than his brain, grabbing at his sister’s backpack again, trying to drag her away from Remy’s body, but she kept a hold.
“Noah, we’ve got to go!” Aidan told her desperately, seeing how the tears flooded down her face, a pain hitting his chest. “Please, Tiger. We’ve got to go.”
“You killed him!” Noah shouted back, spitting at him. He clenched his jaw in response, not knowing what to say. Noah’s fire started to extinguish, still feeling Remy’s limp hand in her own. “You killed… Why? I was… I had it under control.”
“I didn’t know, I didn’t—!” Aidan tried to defend himself, but the shouting was getting louder, the headlights getting closer. “Tiger, please! Noah!”
Noah took one more painful look at her best friend, memorizing his face. And then she let herself be swept away, not even registering the chaos around her. The world turned to static, her brother pulling her along behind him, the two of them making it all the way back up to the roof of the apartment building. Aidan took her to their apartment, letting her in, and she walked into their bedroom, lying flat on her bed. Aidan left again. Noah didn’t care.
Hours passed by and Noah couldn’t move herself. She laid with her head on her pillow, watching the glint of the outside in the window across from her. Her hand kept curling into a fist and then releasing itself, she wasn’t even making herself do it, but the anger kept coming back and then escaping her. She couldn’t focus her thoughts, and everytime she tried, a ringing started up in her ears, a pain emitting from behind her eyes.
She only moved when she heard the front door open again.
Almost automatically, Noah sat up, turning herself onto her bedroom floor and getting up onto her feet. She wandered out of the bedroom to the sound of hushed voices, only one lamp on in the kitchen. Her mom and dad were huddled together on one side of the island, whispering about something, they looked serious. Her dad looked like he was trying to assure her of something, but it didn’t look like her mom was calming down.
“Noah,” her dad announced, having caught sight of her first. Her mom’s head snapped to her right after, swallowing and standing up straight. “What are you… doing up?”
“I couldn’t sleep,” she said. It was somewhat the truth.
“Where’s your brother?” her mom asked, looking worried. Noah wondered if she knew about the alleyway already. If they knew about Remy.
“He’s in the bedroom,” Noah lied, not wanting to talk about him.
Her mom let out a sigh — of relief? — and her dad put a hand on her back, gently reassuring her. He whispered something in her ear and she nodded slowly, moving past him and placing her jacket up on the coat rack.
“I’m going to go get some sleep,” her mom said, walking up to Noah. She leaned down, kissing her on the forehead and holding a hand to her cheek for a moment. “I suggest you do too.” And then she walked into her bedroom, closing the door behind her.
Noah looked at her feet for a second, wondering why she had gotten up from her bed to begin with, when her dad caught her attention.
“Hey, kid,” he said, and she raised her head. “You hungry?”
Noah shrugged, deciding to walk over to him anyway. She sat up on one of the stools and her dad busied himself with making them some sort of meal. In a couple minutes he had managed to make two bowls of cereal, sliding one over to her on the counter before sitting in the stool beside her. Noah slowly took a hold of the spoon, seeing that her hand was still shaking, and then decided it was best if she waited a minute before digging in.
“I’m proud of you,” her dad said out of the blue. Noah lifted her head up from where she had been watching the milk swirl around the oats, watching her dad’s face for any kind of hint of a joke. “I’m serious. I’m glad that you’re being promoted, you deserve to be happy. And if that’s what’ll make you happy, I say go for it. It’s not like we’ve got a lot else to be happy about now.”
“I thought you didn’t like FEDRA,” Noah mumbled, still not sure if she wanted to use her voice.
“I don’t,” her dad admitted, and Noah decided to have some cereal. Her stomach was still flipping slightly, but she kept it down. “But you’re my daughter. It doesn’t matter what I do or don’t like. It’s your own life.”
Noah smiled a little, despite everything that had happened that night. “Thanks, dad.”
Noah finally got to sleep after finishing her cereal, her dad’s comforting words able to push away most of the memories of what had happened earlier that night. But it didn’t last too long. A scream echoed through her ears as her shot opened to a dark bedroom. Her body sat up faster than she expected, her back aching. For a minute, she thought she’d imagined the scream, but then another one reverberated in the walls.
She pushed the sheets off quickly, her feet moving fast across the floor and she threw herself through the bedroom door. And her world crumbled.
Aidan was trying to keep their dad back at arm’s length, his other hand trying to keep their mom away, both almost unrecognizable. Cordyceps spread out from their veins, a large bite evident in her mom’s face. Saliva dripped from their mouths as they gnashed their teeth, trying to get closer to Aidan, trying to kill him. Noah’s head went blank.
“Get my gun!” Aidan cried, tears in his eyes as he frustratedly tried to keep himself from being infected. He stared at his sister, seeing how she was frozen. “Noah! My gun!”
Noah felt her muscles trapped in place, making her watch her brother’s helpless face as he struggled with loud grunts and sobs. He was pleading for his life, begging. Noah only saw the face that had thrown the molotov. Noah felt her fists clench again. And she took the gun from the floor at her feet. And she held it up. And she hesitated.
“Yes! Yes, shoot them!” Aidan yelled, sweat dripping down his forehead. But when he turned his head to look at her again, in that split second, he found the barrel pointed at him. “Noah, please! Noah, no, I’m sorry! Please, Noah!”
Noah gritted her teeth, a tear slipping down her cheek and she closed her eyes. She flinched as she shot uncontrollably, letting her finger twitch against the trigger again and again and again.
Noah wandered about the house, opening up any cabinet or draw she could find. Most of it had been left dry, it seemed everything had been either taken by the previous homeowner or stolen by looters that came right after the outbreak day. She took a deep breath after not finding anything yet again, slamming the draw closed with force that shook the entire dresser. It was frustrating that the world wasn’t giving her a fucking break. Aidan kept fucking running. She was running out of air.
Her breathing picked up, and she closed her eyes, dragging a hand down her sweating face, dried blood at her hairline from how much she had touched her forehead while trying to fix up Joel’s wound. However, her meltdown got interrupted as a crash sounded from another room. Noah’s head turned toward the sound, another crash following it, and it continued to resound around the house as she turned from walking to marching quickly down the hallway.
Stopping in the kitchen doorway, Noah leant back as splinters of wood came flying towards her face. Ellie was throwing drawers and cupboards doors around the room, smashing them against the counters, banging her fists into the wall. Her anger-fueled sobs could be heard in between, and Noah hesitated, swallowing thickly, before hurrying into the chaos. Ellie was about to throw another cabinet door against a wall with a yell, but Noah stopped her.
“Ellie! Ellie, stop,” Noah tried to say reassuringly, but Ellie broke the cupboard in half against the drywall, tearing a hole in it. Her chest heaved up and down and she went to lunge to grab another drawer. Noah did the only thing she could think of, placing her hands on either side of Ellie’s face. “Ellie, stop… Ellie. It’s okay.”
“I don’t… I don’t—” Ellie stammered, dropping the drawer to the floor, staring into Noah’s eyes, her eyes softening. Noah stroked her thumb to push the fly away hairs from her face, barely thinking about what she was doing. “I… Uh, I don’t…”
“It’s okay,” Noah said softly, and Ellie took a deep breath, calming down. “It’s going to be fine.”
Ellie nodded, swallowing nervously as she kept up the eye contact. Her heart began to race again, but now for a completely different reason, her eyes flickering downwards. At first it was an accident, but the second time Ellie really thought about it. Noah turned red as she realized what was happening, her breath hitching in her throat.
“We’re okay,” Noah said with a deep breath, stepping backwards, snatching her hands back with a clear of her throat. Ellie blinked when Noah’s face distanced from her’s again, neither really sure what to say. “I, uh… I didn’t…”
“No, yeah… I, hm,” Ellie hummed, pulling in her bottom lip.
“Right, okay,” Noah nodded, as if either of them just said anything comprehensible. She looked down at her feet and her eyebrows furrowed. “Is that…?” Ellie watched as she ducked down, picking something up between her fingers. “Okay, this will help.”
“Can it fix him?” Ellie asked as the girl stood back up.
Noah looked down at the thread, shrugging. “It can try.”
Noah laid shaking on the ground, the gun on the floor at her feet, empty. She watched as her parents twitched for the last time, all life fading out of them. They were no longer… them. And she was no longer her. Her hands reached up to her face, covering it, the tears falling faster and faster as she realized what she had done. She killed her parents. That was her.
A shadow loomed over her, and her hands shakily fell down from in front of her, finding her brother staring down at her. She expected him to lean down to wrap her into a hug, she would accept it despite everything, but she didn’t get that. When she looked into his eyes, there was nothing there that she recognized. He glared at her, a quiver in his lip, but it was sadness, it was anger. A fury that hadn’t existed before. Yet here it was, looking Noah in the face.
“You… You killed them,” Aidan said, his voice low. His first word made Noah flinch back, his tone making her feel as if he would lunge at her any moment. She looked him in the eye, but only for a brief moment. She couldn’t keep at it, it made her heart shrivel up in her chest, the tears in her eyes slip down faster. “What’s wrong with you?”
“They were going…” Noah whimpered, her knees pulling up to her chest as the blood pooled out from the holes in her parent’s bodies, nearly reaching her feet. The red liquid swirled at Aidan’s feet, the boy not even noticing it. “I had to do it.”
Aidan grimaced at her, his lip curling. “You were going to kill me.”
“I… I wasn’t, Aidan—!” Noah tried, her brother turning around and storming into their bedroom, the door slamming behind him, making Noah wince backwards, her back hitting the wall. “Please, Aidan! I didn’t… I didn’t…”
But looking at their bodies, she knew she did. She was their killer. Aidan was Remy’s killer. Maybe that’s what they both deserved. To be stuck in this fucked up world together.
Until one decided to finally leave.
Noah flung open the basement door, her and Ellie nearly falling down the stairs to get back to Joel. They found the man still shivering, small grunts slipping out of his lips as he tried to keep still against his wound. Noah rolled up her sleeves, falling down beneath him and ripping off the coat keeping him protected from the cold. Ellie landed on the other side, putting a hand in Joel’s, and the man looked between the two girl’s, a knowing look glinting there.
They wouldn’t leave him. They hadn’t even considered it.
He squeezed his hand as hard as he could around Ellie’s. Noah looked over at Joel after threading the needle she had gotten from Delilah’s medical supplies, meeting his eye, trying to make sure he understood what was coming. He nodded, telling her it was okay, and Noah returned the favor, a silent message between them.
Noah pulled up the bottom of Joel’s bloody shirt, seeing the mess of dark red bandages still left there underneath. She grimaced, clenching her jaw before carefully peeling it away, the bullet wound now more visible than a couple hours ago. That meant the blood was actually beginning to soak up, it was beginning to stop. With a new bandage, she mopped up the last of the liquid, and then realized it was going to get a whole lot worse.
“Ellie, he’s going to crush your hand,” Noah told the other girl, trying to tell her to back off a little, but she stayed right where she was. The red-head looked up to see if she had heard her, but Ellie was looking right back, giving her a firm nod. “Okay. Joel, this is going to fucking hurt.”
She steadied her hand as she leaned over the wound, the wound practically daring Noah to do it. And she did. She pushed the needle through the skin, trying to get it over and done with as quickly as possible, knowing her hands could start shaking any minute. Joel’s whole body clenched at the pain radiating up his abdomen, clenching Ellie’s hand, but trying not to do it so hard, knowing it would hurt the girl.
“Okay, we’re doing great,” Noah kept speaking, mostly to herself as she began to really understand what she was doing. She pushed it through all the way, the thread coming out the other side. It went back in and then out, Noah not stopping again until she had stopped. She glanced at Joel and Ellie a couple times to make sure they were okay, but Ellie kept her face stony and Joel clenched and unclenched his fist, keeping his mouth closed against the muffled groans of agonizing pain.
And then she was done, and she let herself fall back, resting her head on the basement floor.
A/n
Guess who just posted again! :)
Who's terrified for the next episode bc i know i am...