hi everyone,
Sorry about the gap between uploads. I actually ended up deleting everything I'd written after this chapter (which was 4 chapters, lol), because I wasn't happy with it, and I got caught up rewriting it in a way that I was happy with, so I forgot to post x_x I promise the next chapter will come sooner though.
Just a note: I'm from the UK and so I'm basing the uni experience on my own, which is that when I got to my flat it was like one long corridor with the doors to everyone's bedrooms on one side and the door to the kitchen on the other side. We didn't share rooms or bathrooms but we did share the kitchen. Just to clarify in case anyone thinks it's totally different from what uni is really like where they're from ;-;
also I wrote 'Part 2' because this is the point where it goes to present tense rather than past d:
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Part 2
I'm still checking that I haven't missed anything when my mom starts honking the car horn from downstairs, letting me know that we have to go. I do another sweep of my room, standing on the threshold, taking it in for the last time. I feel like I've packed my whole life away. I suppose I have, in a way.
I check my phone as I jog downstairs, pushing my hair back from my face.
You left yet? I just arrived. I'm the first one here though. It's huge!
I type out a quick reply to Dawn, letting her know that I'm just about to leave. I round the corner and try not to look around the house I won't see for a few months, my throat closing up a little. The car is packed so full it's impossible to see out of the back window. All things my mom insisted were essential. I'd tried to tell her that I didn't need four blankets or throws, but she'd just said "what if you get cold?" and packed them anyway.
I lock the front door and walk to the passenger side. It's the end of summer, but still warm, and the sun blinds me as I step into it. Surprisingly, I'm not nervous. In fact, I'm excited.
There are five other people in my flat. I have no idea who any of them are yet. I know that by the time we've made the four hour drive that most, if not all of them, will be there already. My mom couldn't get off work in the morning, so it's already two in the afternoon.
She's strangely quiet for most of the journey. I look over a few times, and see her bottom lip trembling slightly, like she might be about to cry. The sight makes my chest tight, but I don't bring it up, because then I know she really will cry.
We stop for food towards the end of the journey. She tells me that she's going to miss me, and I tell her that I'll miss her too, but remind her that I'll be back before too long for the holidays. I'm already looking forward to seeing her, and all of my friends.
When we arrive, it's past six, and the sun is already starting to dip in the sky. I step out and stretch, looking up at the accommodation building. We sign in at a reception and then start the process of dragging all of my things through to the flat I've been assigned, which is on the second floor of the building.
The first time I step into it, my heart stops, and I expect to see my flatmates there, but when the door opens, nobody is there. I blow out a breath and scan the corridor, seeing the line of doors, and picking out the door that leads to my room, beelining for it. Unlocking the door, I kick it open gently and stumble in with the boxes that are slightly too heavy for me. Behind me, my mom drags the suitcases I brought.
I steal a glance at the door to the shared kitchen area. I wonder if anyone's in there. Curiously, I walk to it and peer through the glass, but it's equally as empty. There is, however, a note stuck in the centre of it.
Let's meet here at eight! Looking forward to meeting you all!
Your new flatmate, Serena
Eight. Well, that gives me a little over an hour to unpack some of my things and have a shower. I go down and get the last of my things from the car, still not coming across anyone else, or at least no one from my own flat. My mom hovers for a little while longer, helping me unpack some things and making my bed, even though I insist I'm capable of doing those things on my own. When she can't stall anymore, because it's getting late and she still needs to make the drive back, I hug her and tell her I'll see her soon, and that I'll call her tomorrow.
Finally alone, I sit on the side of the bed and take everything in. Living on my own doesn't frighten me like I thought it would. I'm excited to meet everyone. I haven't let myself think about Red all day. I think maybe I'm finally starting to heal.
The room is pretty small, but big enough. There's a short hallway from the door, the door to the bathroom on the right, and then an open space. My bed- a double one, thankfully, is on the right, while the long desk and wardrobe takes up the left wall, a desk chair pushed under it. The window on the far wall looks out over the street below, though it's not much of a view.
I take a quick shower and try to pick something relatively nice to wear. I mess with my hair in the mirror for a while, but it always just does its own thing, so I give up eventually. I shoot Brock a quick text, asking what his place is like. I respond to Dawn, telling her I'm here, and that I'm meeting my flatmates soon. She responds straight away, telling me that she's already made friends with a girl named Zoey. I'm happy for her, but my chest tightens painfully.
I'm still texting Brock back when the sound of music drifts in from outside the door. I look up at the time, and see it's ten past eight. I shoot up, pulling on shoes and checking myself in the mirror one last time. I tuck my phone in the back pocket of my cargos and step outside, the door clicking shut behind me. Light and music filters out from the door to the kitchen, and I stand there for a moment, imagining what sort of people might be standing on the other side. I wonder if any of them will end up being close friends with me.
Already late, I make myself move. I push open the door, and everyone seems to go quiet, looking up at me.
Directly in front of me, there are two girls sitting on a sofa. One is blonde, and the other is a brunette, and they're both beautiful. They're sitting so close together that their shoulders are touching, holding full glasses of wine. On the other sofa is another guy, wearing round glasses, his curly blonde hair falling around his face, who seems nervous.
I look up over the sofa. At the kitchen cabinets, a tall guy with pale green hair is unpacking bags and bags of groceries into the cupboards, seemingly taking stock of it as he goes. He doesn't even turn to look at me.
Then, my eyes flick to the left, and my heart stops dead in my chest. I've experienced physical attraction so few times in my life that when I do, it hits me like a truck. It feels like a knife strikes me in the chest, and all the air rushes from my lungs.
Leaning against the counter with their arms crossed over their chest is someone I can only describe as androgynous, and devastatingly, heartbreakingly gorgeous. Blue, piercing eyes bore back into mine. Long, sweeping dark lashes almost touch their cheeks when they blink. Most of their dark hair is tied back behind their head, some strands escaping and framing their face, but two thick strands of red run through it on the left side. Their face is both sharp and soft at the same time. It's hard to tear my eyes away, and even though only a few seconds have passed since I stepped inside, I feel like I've been staring forever. It's a little difficult to remember to breathe again in their presence.
"Ah, you're here!"
I snap out of it, and realise the blonde girl has hopped off the sofa and is standing in front of me. She's beaming up at me, and I smile back, trying not to let my eyes wander back to the stranger across the room.
"I was starting to think it was just the five of us," she said, glancing around at everyone else, who were still looking at me, grocery-unpacker included now.
If You're Too Shy by The 1975 starts blasting from the speakers. My heart flips in my chest. "Hey, sorry, I lost track of time," I say, rubbing the back of my head sheepishly.
"I'm Serena, and this is May," Serena says. From the sofa, May gives me a little wave, and I wave back. "That's Clemont. That's Cilan." She gestures to the blonde on the sofa, and then to the guy that's finally not paying more attention to groceries, and gives me a big grin. "And that's Goh."
Goh is staring at me still, but doesn't smile. I swallow, my throat going unnaturally dry as I try to smile at them, but it probably looks awkward.
"And you're..." Serena prompts, and I realise I haven't said my name.
"Ash," I say, peeling my eyes away from Goh. "Nice to meet everyone."
"Come on," Serena says, gesturing for me to follow her. The song still plays loudly from the other side of the room. "You need a drink. We're going out tonight."
"Out?" I say. Cilan shrugs when I look at him, closing the cupboards.
"Well, yeah. It's Freshers. Everyone goes out. Besides, if we're going to be living together for a year, it's better that we know each other, right?"
"Yeah, sure. I'm totally new to this area, though," I admit. Serena starts pouring some sort of spirit into a glass for me, then follows up with Coke.
"May and I are from around here," she explains. I glance over at May, who's chatting to Clemont.
"I'll let you lead the way then," I say, taking the drink she offers me. She gives me a warm smile, then starts to head back to the sofa. I hang back, glancing sideways at Cilan, who grabs his own drink from the countertop.
"Hey," I say.
"What's up?" He says in response. "What are you studying?"
"Zoology," I answer. "You?"
"Really?" His eyebrows shoot up. "I wouldn't have guessed that. Psychology for me."
I look down at myself. "I don't look like a zoologist kinda guy?" I say sarcastically. Cilan chuckles, sipping his drink.
"Good luck to you, by the way," he says, pressing his lips into a thin line.
"Huh?" I say, furrowing my brows.
"Those two," he says, nodding to the sofa. "Are already onto you."
I catch Serena glancing over at us. I bite my lip, leaning back against the counter beside him. They're both pretty, but not my type. Not that I really have a type. I pointedly don't let myself look at Goh, who's starting to head over to join the others at the sofas.
"Get over here," May calls, waving us over. Serena is shuffling a deck of cards and spreading them in a circle around a tall glass.
"What is that?" I ask Cilan as we push off the counter.
"You've never played 'Ring of Fire'?" He asks incredulously. I shake my head, but he just grins.
He sits on May's right on the three-seater sofa. The only other space is beside Goh on the other. I try to calm my racing heart as I sit down, my knee brushing theirs. I steal a glance, and they're looking back. I think I could get lost in those eyes.
"Hey," I choke out.
"Hey," they repeat, their voice deeper than I'd expected. A warmth spreads across my face, and I look away again.
I quickly learn that 'Ring of Fire' is a drinking game. You pick a card from the circle, and depending on what the card is, the group has to do something. It's a fun icebreaker, but most of the time I talk with Serena and Cilan, the others staying relatively quiet. I start to relax, and find that I actually like all of them. Goh is the one I'm most unsure about, though. He doesn't speak much, and seems to be closed off, which makes him come across a little cold.
"Oh, Goh," May says halfway into the game. I was on my third drink, and the alcohol was already starting to hit me. "I really hope it's okay to ask this, but what are your pronouns?"
I steal a glance their way, checking if they're offended somehow, but they just smile, their eyes softening a little. "It's okay, they're he/him."
May smiles and nods. "Okay."
We carry on playing. My knee keeps brushing against Goh's, and every small contact sends shocks shooting up my body. I focus on my breathing, and try to play the game, but I'm drinking a little faster than I usually do, hoping it'll quell my nerves.
After the game ends, and Clemont is forced to chug the contents of the centre glass, almost making him retch, it's past nine, and Serena has a cab booked for ten to take us to a nearby nightclub. I've never been inside a proper nightclub before, being from a small town.
Serena's clearly a big fan of The 1975, because a few of their songs have played, and now Sex plays as we start talking in the group, still sipping from our drinks. When the cab comes, we stumble out into the night. I feel like we're all becoming fast friends, though the alcohol might be helping. I'm already drunk, everything seeming a little bit funnier to me, and I find that I really like Serena and May as people. They remind me of Dawn. I can see us getting along.
The music is louder in the nightclub than anything I'm used to from the bars in my town. The floor is a little sticky, and shakes with the bass. The air is kind of thick, and a light fog from the machines makes everything hazy. I follow Serena as she weaves through the thick crowd towards the bar and orders a drink. I have to shout for the bartender to hear me.
We head up onto the second floor, where the music is more indie than dance. Serena and May drag me onto the stage, and dance around me. I don't really touch the drink, already drunk enough to be comfortable joining in. Cilan, Goh and Clemont sit at one of the tables flanking the room and watch us, talking amongst themselves.
About an hour in, when I'm tired and need the bathroom, I climb down off the stage and beeline for the bathroom door. When I step inside, Cilan and Goh are there, talking.
"Oh, hey," Cilan says, grinning. I think he's the most sober of us all.
"Hey," I sigh, pushing my hand through my hair.
"Seems like you're having fun out there," he comments, wiggling his eyebrows. I roll my eyes at him.
"They're hard to keep up with. They remind me of my friend back home, though."
"So you're not interested?" He asks. I can feel Goh's eyes on me, but he hasn't spoken.
Before I can answer, another group of guys flood in, one of them that seemingly recognises Cilan and starts smacking him on the back, laughing. I turn to see if Goh is still there, but he's already leaving, the door swinging shut behind him.
When I go back out, he's sitting with Clemont again. I'm about to head over when May grabs my hand and drags me out of the doors that lead out onto a balcony where Serena is waiting. The cold air hits me, biting at my skin, but she doesn't seem to feel it, despite the dress she's wearing.
It's then that I spot Brock, standing with a group at the corner of the smoking area. My stomach does a flip, my face lighting up as I wave over to him. His eyes flick my way, and I see him recognise me, his face lighting up too. He excuses himself and jogs over, his grin growing as he approaches us. He throws his arms around me and pats me on the back as I laugh. He's definitely drunk.
"Well, what are the chances of this?" He says as he pulls away, holding me by my shoulders. Beside me, Serena and May gawk at us.
"Oh, these are my new flatmates, Serena and May," I say. They wave, and I see him eye them up. I give him a warning glare. "This is Brock. He's a friend from my hometown."
"Really?" Serena's eyebrows fly up. "That's so cool. It's nice to meet you, Brock."
"Do you want to join us?" Brock asks, gesturing to the group he's with. I almost say yes, but then I remember I'm here to break the ice with my flatmates. It's probably best not to abandon them on the first night. Besides, I'll have plenty of nights out with Brock.
"We should probably get to know our flatmates tonight," I say. I pray Brock won't be offended, but he just seems to consider it, then nods.
"Right. But we're going out tomorrow night," he says firmly. I laugh and nod.
"Sure."
He wanders back off to his group, leaving me with Serena and May again. We talk for a while, before heading back inside into the somewhat sweaty heat of the club. My head is spinning a little, and I make a dash for the bar before they can drag me back onto the stage to dance some more.
With a new drink in my head, I scan the room, and see through the sea of bodies that Clemont and Cilan are dancing with the girls now, and Goh is sitting on his own in the booth.
I've never been nervous around the few people I've found attractive, but Goh... He seems to make me nervous. I have no idea if that's a good or a bad thing. I haven't quite had time to unpack the fact that this is the first time I've really been drawn to a guy, but with the alcohol, it doesn't matter. I walk over, and he looks up as I approach the table, his eyes widening a little. I sit opposite him, placing the drink down on the table.
"Hey," I say.
"Hey," he says back.
"Why aren't you dancing?" I shout over the music. He narrows his eyes like he's trying to judge me, but I don't shrink under his glare. I hold his gaze.
"Not a big fan of dancing," he calls back. "I suck at it."
"I bet you don't. I do."
"I'm not going to argue with that." There's a sparkle of mischief in his eyes. It makes my insides light up. For a moment, guilt washes over me. Red-
No. I won't think about her. Not now. I'm about to ask something about him- where he's from, what he's studying, when Cilan lands heavily in the booth beside me, groaning.
"How do you keep up with those ladies?" He asks. Goh's face has gone cold and disinterested again as he stares out over the crowd, sipping his drink. Cilan glances at his phone. "Club closes in twenty minutes. Better evacuate before everyone tries to get out at once."
I hadn't realised so much time had passed. It's almost two in the morning. No wonder my limbs are starting to get heavy. We gather up May, Serena and Clemont and hurry out before everyone else tries to. Cilan manages to get us a taxi, and on the drive home Serena orders McDonald's to the flat.
Back at the flat, we stumble into the kitchen drunkenly, flopping onto the sofa, aside from Goh, who hovers in the doorway and says he's going to bed. I want to argue. I want to remind him that uni doesn't start until next week, so there's no reason not to stay up with us, but I don't, and then he's gone.
We stay up until almost four in the morning, eating McDonald's and laughing with each other. When I finally drag myself to bed, I'm so exhausted that I fall asleep the second my head hits the pillow, and for the first time in a while, Red doesn't enter my dreams.
— — — —
The next day I don't wake until sometime in the afternoon. For a moment I'm disoriented, my head pounding. Remembering where I am, I sit up and rub my head. My hair is a total mess, but I don't bother fixing it. I shove clothes on and head to the kitchen. I'm not the kind of person that likes to spend a lot of time alone, so I hope that someone's in there.
Cilan and Serena are there, both looking hungover too. I sit and watch the TV with Serena while Cilan cooks breakfast for us. We eat it together, already pretty comfortable with each other. I keep waiting for Goh to show up, so I can talk to him some more, but he doesn't. I'm still watching the TV when my phone starts ringing in my pocket, and I see that it's Dawn.
I head back to my room to take the call. "Hey," I say, my voice a little hoarse from singing when I was drunk.
"Well? Have you met your flatmates?"
"Yeah, we went out last night. They're all great, I think."
"You think?"
I bite my lip, turning to stare out the window to the street below. I drop my voice, afraid whoever is in the room beside mine will be able to hear. "Have you ever had a crush on someone literally the instant you saw them?"
She hesitates for a second. "Of course. Sometimes people just draw you to them. Do you... Do you have a crush on one of them?" It sounds like she's trying not to show her excitement. I know she's been waiting for me to start getting over Red. And while my heart still completely belongs to her for now, this attraction to Goh... It's so rare that I don't know how to not follow it.
"I think so," I admit. "Maybe."
"What's she like?" Dawn asks. I lean against the windowsill, blowing out a breath.
"Not she," I say quietly. "He."
"Oh." A pause. "Oh."
"It's not a big deal."
"Of course it's not. I'm just surprised. Okay, well what's he like?"
"The most attractive person I've ever seen," I sigh. On the other side, Dawn chuckles. "Quiet, it seems. Reserved. I haven't really had time to figure him out, but he doesn't seem anything like me."
"Sometimes that's a good thing. Does he- I mean, does he seem straight to you?"
"What does that even mean?" I ask incredulously.
"I don't know," she says, exasperated. "I'm just trying to help here."
"It's probably nothing," I say. "I don't even know the guy."
"Sorry. I'm just really relieved to hear that you're okay."
My heart warms up a little, and I sink back against the windowsill a little. "I'm fine, Dawn. But what about you?"
She starts to tell me about her night, and how she met the rest of her flatmates too. She explains that she liked them all, apart from one girl named Ursula who had apparently been taking snipes at her all night. Dawn spends all of the next five minutes complaining about her, and I let her, trying not to snicker at the way she's winding herself up about it. When she's done venting, her mood switches completely, and she goes back to being sweet. It's kind of terrifying.
When we hang up, I go back to staring out of the window, and I wonder if there's any possible way to ask Goh to hang out, just the two of us, without it seeming weird.
I haven't felt this way in a long while- giddy, wanting to spend time with someone, getting in my own head about it. I look down at the desk on the other wall, and the notebook sitting on it, unused. Grabbing a pen, I scribble my number across the top and rip the page, leaving an uneven strip. I have no idea what I plan to do with it. I'm being erratic-
I hear a door open in the corridor. Composing myself, I step back out, pretending I'm heading for the kitchen again. Goh is there, dressed in a sweater and dark pants, his hair tied back again. He stops when he notices me, and I stick my hands in my pockets, smiling.
"Hey," I say. "Hungover?"
"Nah, not really," he says. "You?"
"I'll live," I answer. "You coming?" I gesture with my head to the kitchen. He shakes his head, and my heart sinks a little.
"I've got to head to the Student Union building. Something to do with my course." He starts to turn away, heading for the door. "I might catch you later."
He's already reaching for the handle and pulling the door open. My heart lurches forward in my chest, and I step forward. "Here," I call out. He turns back to me, confused, and looks down at the slip of paper I'm holding out. I silently curse myself. I hadn't let myself think-
He reaches out and takes it, turning it over, and his eyes widen ever so slightly, so little that I barely notice. He blinks down at it, and I scramble for words, but everything I think of sounds so stupid. "In case you need anything."
After a moment, he puts the paper into his pocket and looks back up at me, something burning behind his eyes. "Okay," he says simply. "Thanks."
Then he's gone. I stand there for a moment, unable to process what just happened. It takes a moment for me to be able to move again, and I don't go to the kitchen. I go back to my room, and throw myself down on the bed, pushing a pillow down over my face.
I check my phone, but it's only been two minutes, and he's heading out, and also probably not interested in the slightest, so of course he hasn't texted me. I groan and roll onto my side, pulling the covers up over me and closing my eyes.
Once again, I'm completely fucked.