Author: ValerieEveDiestro
Book Title: Raindrops On Her Winter Hair
Reviewer: starisredy
i. Introduction and Disclaimer
- Hey there, Valerie! I've read three chapters of your book "Raindrops On Her Winter Hair."
- Quick reminder that I will not touch up (only nudges, if necessary) on the basic technical aspects of your book (grammar, spelling, punctuation, formatting). But I will touch everything else that falls under the flow of the writing. You can find this part in the third section of the review (iii. Writing Flow).
- Disclaimer: Everything I say here is my personal judgment based on my experiences. These are all my opinions on what I think will make your story better, but that does not mean you need to follow every suggestion I make. You can dismiss or heed any part of this according to what you think will improve your story. You are the author of this story and the only person to decide what is best for it.
ii. First Impression
- To start, your cover looks nice and fitting for a short story, like the cover of a little tale of something short and sweet. The consistency of using only up to two font families along with the girl with white (or 'winter hair') hair and the overall scheme of the cover, it looked pleasing to the eyes and easy to read the title. It is simple, has a fittingly cute aesthetic, and the feel it gives works.
- The title is quite unique. A bit too long for my personal taste, but I feel that it fits well with the book's coverage (short story length) and concept. It also fits well with the cover. Other than that, it gives a promise of something cute, short, and sweet inside.
- The blurb is also the same as the cover—simple and sweet. Short stories, again, I feel have different requirements for their blurbs, as they don't have too big and elaborate plots, they can end up as simple and concise as this gets. So, I find that this works. But it also feels a bit cliche, and some parts of it (mainly the thing about the watercolor painting) feel unnecessary. By that, I mean that it doesn't seem to have any relevance to the plot other than the connection of the color blue with her hobby and Wren's eyes. The blurb works, but I feel that it lacks punch, and enough impact to really pull a first viewer into opening up the book with interest. Cliche can be interesting, but it needs to have something somewhat different or promise to deliver something worth it despite the predictable storyline. I will suggest focusing on the relevance of events or things to be the ones mentioned in the blurb, and give more details (but not too much) as to why certain things matter. Also, something about the second paragraph ('Meeting him again in winter...') feels like a run-on sentence. So maybe rearranging points might work. But this formula for how much information you really have in the blurb right now, works well, too.
iii. Writing Flow
- There are some minor structure issues that involve redundant points being repeated to us. After reading all three chapters, I find that the entire book reads like a diary or a letter to someone—to Wren. That aside, whether that is your goal or not, it still reads that way, and if it's not ultimately your intention, you may need to consider whether you should change it to a different format or retain it that way. Either way, a story being written in diary format does not excuse everything we often see in other kinds of writing styles.
- To begin with, the writing style does feel quite cutesy, but like above, that doesn't excuse several things that can bother a reader while they read.
- Let's go over the emphasis. Emphasis is shown through capitalization, italicization, or making something bold. The little italics and bolds in several words or phrases throughout the book make sense, I think, but that doesn't mean they work completely. I understand why you want to emphasize those parts, but using them a bit too often in between short breaks can lower the impact in each emphasis. Not only that, it can be quite jarring to see different kinds of emphasis. I will suggest focusing only on using one or two kinds of emphasis, but ultimately just one. And only, really use it on areas that made an impact on the character—on Alaska. Mentioning the title doesn't need it emphasized, readers will get it. That's one example where the emphasis isn't needed. Try to think about whether an emphasis is really necessary or not.
- As for the pacing, transitions, and readability of this short story, I find that it works just fine. Tenses are kept consistent, too, as far as I remember. Some transitions may need work to improve pacing and for better and easier following of the story's events, but overall, it wasn't bad. There are a few typos and errors here and there, but nothing bad.
- For perspective breaking, this is where you may need a lot of work. As I mentioned above, writing in a diary format does not exactly excuse for the character in perspective to know exactly what other characters think. The only excuse I can think of regarding this if the other characters told Alaska how they felt in those moments for her to know. But other than that, it should all be made clear that other characters' thoughts behind their actions etcetera all fall under Alaska's interpretation only. This limitation of knowledge makes for a compelling point of view and an engaging narrative. A quick and easy way to fix these is to add 'I think', 'maybe', and other similar words or phrases that imply Alaska only interprets things and does not actually know them. Since she is not supposed to really know them.
- Again, even though this seems like it was in diary format, it is still impossible for Alaska to know the thoughts of others unless they've told her about it prior to her writing about the events. Remember that.
- One particular example that caught me off guard is the part where they eat ramen. That isn't the only part with this problem, but it's the one I'll use for reference here to show you what I mean.
- I will suggest changing sentences that go 'We did this, which made us do this' to 'We did this, then we did this.' e.g. "We took a sip of our ramen, which made us smile," because again, Alaska should not know what or how Wren thinks because this is her perspective. So changing that to 'We took a sip of our ramen and smiled at each other afterwards' not only sounds better but also makes us feel more connected to Alaska's point of view (which is limited, as we only know her thoughts from here) and also feel that we are right there with them, while possibly automatically ingraining in our minds that 'oh they smiled after sipping some ramen.' Which means you did not have to say they smiled BECAUSE of the ramen - 'which made us smile'.
- Other follow-ups related to this will be in the next section (iv. Description).
iv. Description
- The thing related to the above is a case you may have regarding the worldwide advice of 'show, don't tell.' Like I tell everyone in my reviews, 'tell' has its place in writing, but it doesn't always work and is not always as compelling as 'show.' I tell you this because I've come across many passages where you, the author, tell us, the readers, what is what, instead of showing us. It is told to us as if we'd believe it right then and there because it was told. But it's the opposite. It's not really convincing compared to if it is shown to us instead. I have some examples from the second and third chapters to go around this. This is another way of dealing with the structure problem I mentioned in the previous section.
- You 'tell' us what Wren thinks etcetera that Alaska is not supposed to know. Better change this to show us what he did that made Alaska think he's thinking. It can be him placing a finger on his chin, crossing his arms, looking at the sky, anything. Use their body, not just their words and their eyes.
- 'His personality is compelling' in what way? Again, don't tell the readers whether his personality is this or that, show us more of what made him compelling to Alaska. Same thing with 'I was having a great time.' Don't just tell us like we'd believe it once we read it being told to us. Show us the actions, behaviors, and expressions that Alaska makes that will clearly show she was having a blast.
- 'The sound of fireworks caught us off guard' might be better written as something like 'The sound of fireworks caught our attention.' Again, Alaska should not know whether Wren was caught off guard like she was or not. Or, you can cheat this as 'I think the sound of fireworks caught both of us off guard.' The 'I think' is the main game changer here, as it transforms this sentence into showing us interesting imagery.
- (In response to when Alaska said it was the best date she had.) Best date you've ever had? She mentioned being a hopeless romantic. Does this mean she's been on other dates before? If not, it might be better to remove that part. But if yes, then by all means, you can keep it.
- Moving on a bit to the imagery of the setting and characters, there is not much to say here. The setting is described in a way that works, though may need more work to make it less redundant (repeated words or phrases) and also more vivid. Character emotions are also a bit untouched, but I will go over that more later (vi. Characterization).
v. Creativity
- Admittedly, it promises a short, sweet, but cliche storyline. The little twist about them not becoming a thing after the first date is nice, as well as the thing about Alaska's hair. But did she dye it white or silver? A naturally white or silver hair doesn't sound too realistic, unless there are special cases that you can back up with proper reasoning, then by all means.
- The descriptions other than the 'telling instead of showing' bits are also not bad, but nothing too unique. The characters are also very simple-seeming, and the overall storyline doesn't seem much, but it does promise something short and sweet, which it does somewhat deliver, from what I'm seeing. Overall, it's not bad, but it doesn't feel too new either.
- But the best thing about this is that it's delivering almost exactly as the first impression is promising, so that's a good thing. Cliches aren't bad, as long as there are little twists and changes here and there, and so long as you deliver what you promised: a short and sweet tale of love in a cutesy writing style and somewhat melancholic but hopeful tone.
vi. Characterization
- Characters feel distant. Even Alaska. It may be due to the diary format, or due to the lack of descriptions of character actions and emotions. By emotions, I don't mean you should tell us what they are feeling, rather, just like in the Description section, show us what they feel. If Alaska feels uneasy, make her fingers fidget, or her gaze jumps around different places to avoid Wren's. If a character feels happy, don't just make them smile or laugh, tell us the tone of their voices as they spoke, the way they looked at people or things while they smiled, or you can even show us how Wren's laughter sounded in Alaska's ears.
- As this is a short story, I don't expect much development or conflict the characters will start with, or at least I don't expect the story to go over their entire conflicts and arcs. But it still matters for the characters to show growth through the story. From one point where they started, they should change in some way along the way. It may not be a drastic change, it can simply be a change in perception, a change in stance or habit, or even nothing—but to have nothing changed but still deliver a compelling main character is a different task.
vii. Dialogue Analysis
- Like most, the dialogue is fine. It's nothing special, but it works. In some cases, there are lines that fit well, but in most cases, the dialogue feels awkward. Maybe because all or almost all the characters we know so far speak the same way, seem to think the same way, or have similar speech patterns. I will suggest looking more into 'Character Voice' as it may be the big factor that makes the dialogue and the characterization fall flat.
viii. Other
- The part (paragraph) about the love song in the third chapter seems unfinished?
- Final part might be better off cut short. We don't need to know what the company needs or how many people they need, and why they hired Alaska and Noel unless it was an important plot point. I think that part can be changed to something like: 'We both got the job. Since then, we always had time to talk and eventually became friends.'
ix. Final notes
- This story was short, sweet, cutesy (or attempts to be, but you'll get there), and straight to the point. But I will say that your grammar, use of punctuation, etcetera, had no issues at all. And other than that, another thing you did well in was setting the proper tone for possible readers to expect right from the cover and blurb.
- Random, but I love Castle on the Hill and gosh I have not seen or heard of anyone mention it before.
- Finally, I'd like to apologize for the incredibly late review as I've inquired with you in DMs, your request happened the moment midterms were coming up and I had to direct all my focus to it for weeks. After that came family-related things that lasted for nearly a week or so. Thank you for your patience and for choosing me. I hope this review was helpful in any way, and I hope you got something from it. Don't forget what I said in the Introduction and Disclaimer section—this is still your story at the end of the day. And I am just one person looking over it. Happy writing!