Maddison's POV:
A few weeks later, I was due for another check up at the hospital for my pregnancy. They told me the ultrasound was going to happen very soon, while I was being examined. My mother was by my side this time around, and I had noticed that my baby bump had started to grow. The heart beat of my child was still growing strong and that was lovely to hear again.
When we were on our way out, "I think Hayden should be there with you when you find out the sex of the baby" my mother said, as we climb into the car within the parking lot.
I was already texting Hayden, giving him an "everything looks good" message as I looked over at my mother.
"I don't know if I'm ready for that.. all of this just feels so intimate and I'm not there with him yet" I said, seeing Hayden send me a thumbs up emoji on my screen.
"As long as you're still giving him a chance" she says, starting the car, as I put my seat belt on.
"I am.. we're just taking things slow. He invited me over for dinner tonight. Apparently, I still owe him a "what have I been doing these last four years" answer. He already told me his when we were bowling" I said, as my mother turned down a street.
"How was that by the way? you didn't break any fingers or toes, so I am assuming you had fun?" she asked, as memories from that night resurfaced in my mind and I remembered the daughter and joyful father at the bowling alley that day. I could still feel the jealousy creeping back in. But that's only because I can remember my father and I being that close when I was younger. Before I reached double digits in life and he decided he was no longer fit to be my father. Or my mother's husband.
I still don't know what flipped a switch in his mind, what made him want to be my father one day, and leave this family the next. Those nine years I spent with him in my life, are still wracking in my brain 24/7. They never leave me. And as much as I try to push them away because the memory of what him and I don't have anymore, only makes me hate him even more, for leaving. I feel like not forgiving my father for leaving, is what is preventing me from forgiving Hayden.
"Maddie?" my mother asked, after I was silent for quite some time.
"Oh sorry.. yeah I had fun." I forced, making a smile spread across my face, as I looked out the window. I didn't want her to know I missed him, or that I hated that I missed him. But I wanted to be more like my mother, be happy for my father that he found another family. Be happy for my father that he fell in love the way he wanted to with another woman. Be happy for my father that he has new kids that make him feel well fit to be a father again. But I can't.
Cause I don't know what I did wrong. I don't know what my mother did wrong. The only person I have to blame for making me feel like this is him. But he's not here. And nonetheless, that grudge still remains. The one right next to Hayden's grudge that I have built like a dam around my heart. Not a single apology will break it, not a single "but I've changed" will prosper. Not a single act of forgiveness will bring that dam crashing down. I have no idea what will.
I was getting ready for my dinner with Hayden, feeling a bit nervous that it was gonna be just him and I in his apartment. We haven't been together, just the two of us somewhere, since the day I broke the news to him that I was pregnant. So I didn't have hopes as to how my answer to his four year question would go, but I was hopeful. I slipped on a silk red satin dress, it was a beautiful cherry red.
I loved how flattering the color red looked on me, it made me feel confident and sexy. the two things I needed right now since my pregnancy was turning me into a whole different person on the outside. The weight gain, the food cravings, which sucked cause sometimes I would crave food I couldn't eat while pregnant. And even the hormones. They were sending me for a whirlwind of emotions.
I combed my hair, making the waves voluminous, as I placed half my hair into a ponytail and let the rest hang down. Pulled bangs from my baby hairs, to the front. Touched up my makeup with some mascara, eyeliner, and red lipstick to top it all off. I took a deep breath, before admiring myself in the mirror. There were times where I could still see her. That shaken and terrified little girl who was scared to step foot in the halls of Scatterson High.
Other days I would mistake my freckles for acne and wash my face at least five times a day. And most days, my vision would blur because my contacts would expire and I would have to wear my old pairs of glasses again. Something I only did when I was around the house. I was humiliated to even think about anyone seeing me like that, besides my friends who have always accepted me, and my mother who loves me unconditionally.
I put on my new pair of black stilettos, and grabbed my purse before leaving my bedroom.
"Oh my goodness, look at you!" my mother said, as I smiled widely, doing a twirl for my mother in the living room, as she fawned over my dress.
"Baby you look gorgeous! where did you get this dress? I'm gonna need to borrow it one of these days" she said, as I laughed, before she pulled me into a hug.
"Have fun babygirl.. tell Hayden I said hi.. and listen to him, okay?" she said, pulling away, but caressing my face. As I nodded.
"Keep giving him a chance" she said, as I nodded again, before she kissed my forehead.
"Alright now go on, you don't want to keep him waiting" she said, as I chuckled, heading towards the front door.
Hayden sent me his address that night I kicked his ass several times at UNO. He told me it was my prize for winning so many times, which made me smile. I told him I would swing by his place for dinner tonight, but I didn't know if I would occasionally visit. Once I pulled up at his apartment complex, I parked my mother's car in the parking garage and pulled out my phone to find his apartment number.
When I was standing by his door, my hands were shaking. Gosh why were they shaking? I remembered to breathe, as I knocked slowly. Within seconds the door opens to reveal Hayden wearing a white long sleeved shirt, which was buttoned just enough to reveal a bit of his chest. And his sleeves were rolled up, I assume due to cooking. Black dress pants were hugging his hips, as they covered his long muscular thighs and legs. And he was wearing socks. I giggled.
Once my eyes were done taking every part of him in, they landed on his which were widened.
"Wow.." he whispers, taking my hand in his.
"You look amazing in that dress" he said, as I blushed.
"Thanks.. you don't look so bad yourself" I said, as he chuckled, caressing my hand in his.
Why did I feel like this was a date? it's not. Right?
"Please fair maiden.. come in!" he says, breaking the awkward silence between us.
"But first! your shoes must depart" he said, as he pulls me into his turkey smelling apartment which stirred my stomach the wrong way.
But before I felt the urge to vomit, he closed the door behind me, kneeling to my knee as he lifts my foot and removes my shoe, as if I were a princess.. incapable of doing so myself.
"This really isn't necessary" I said with a laugh, covering my mouth as he looked up at me.
"Silence fair maiden! I must removeth thy shoes!" he said, as my pedicured toes touched the floor.
"You know if you keep on talking like that I am gonna leave" I said, as he smirked lifting me off my feet as he carries me into his arms.
"Hayden!" I yelped, as he carries me to the kitchen counter.
"I want you taste something for me" he said, as I look around the kitchen.
Seeing as tons of pots and pans are steaming and boiling with food cooking inside. The oven then beeps, as he grabs mittens from a drawer and pulls out what looks like a casserole.
"Is that?" I asked, recognizing the smell because my mother would make me this to feel better whenever I came home from school.
"Chicken noodle casserole" he said with a grin, as he pulled the tray out of the oven and placed it on the stove to cool.
"How did you know?" I asked, as he takes his mittens off.
"I asked your mom what your favorite food was, after we made that bomb chicken pot pie casserole the night you kicked our asses at UNO." he said, sticking a knife in the casserole to make sure it was fully cooked.
"You were wondering what my favorite food was?" I asked with a smile, crossing my legs on the counter.
"Of course I was, I didn't want make dinner for you tonight and it made you want to vomit because it was gross. Or something you couldn't eat because of the baby" he said, taking out a spoon from the silverware drawer and scooping some the casserole for me taste.
"I know I can't make it as good as your mother, but I tried" he said, as he brings the spoon to my mouth. The spoon makes it way inside, as I bite off the substance and chew. Allowing a small moan to leave my lips, "oh my gosh, are you kidding me?" I asked, stunned that it tasted just as great.
"Good?" he asked, as I chewed faster cause the food was still hot.
"Amazing, I know I am having thirds" I said, as he laughed, bringing a thumb to the corner of my mouth and wiping slowly.
My heart skips, "you had a little noddle sauce on your cheek" he said, as he eyes my lips before looking back at me. There's silence between us, before I cleared my throat, hopping off the counter.
"So.. you gonna give me a tour?" I asked, eyeing his apartment, as I placed my hands behind my back.
"You know, while we wait for the food to cool down?" I said, as he sets down the serving spoon and removes the wash cloth from his shoulder.
"Sure, here we have the living room, the kitchen, the dining room, and my bedroom is right down the hall. Bathroom is in the same room." he said, as I walked around the living room.
It was a beautiful place, definitely well taken cared of and it certainly had homey vibes. To the black leather couches in the living room, from the black wooden dining table near the kitchen, and the white counter tops in the kitchen. I walked inside his bedroom to see silk sheets covering the bed and several pillows on top. I wondered how many women he brought here with him.
"I'm sure I am not the first woman to walk through this bedroom door.. how many women have you brought here? preferably minors?" I asked, as he his palms hits his forehead making me laugh.
"You know it's not like that.. how many times are you gonna keep reusing that joke" he asked,
"until it stops being funny to me" I said, as he playfully rolls his eyes and chuckles.
I walked over to the shelves, near his nightstand, to see old pictures of him, from high school on the basketball team. In high school and in college. There were even pictures of him coaching on the women's basketball team. As I remembered the moment he shared with Melody.
"Did you teach women's basketball because of Melody?" I asked, turning to look at him, as he was watching me.
"You caught that huh?" he said, placing his hands in his pockets as he walked beside me, looking at the picture he took with his team.
"What can I say? Melody inspired me when I was high school. Yes, she was definitely one of the main reasons why I wanted to teach women's basketball. But it was also because I'm a big feminist. And no, I don't just say that to be fake woke or whatever. I like to believe that women should have the same rights as men. That's the way it should have always been. Same thing for black people. Melody paved the way, I guess I was just following after her footsteps. Continuing her great work" he said, as I watched him stare at the picture.
And I could feel it happening slowly, the dam starting to crumble, my heart starting to swell. My stomach starting to fizzle, as my breathing quickened. The temperate between us beginning to rise, as the tug for my heart longed to collide with his. But no. This is just the hormones talking.. I'm not falling for Hayden. I can't be. Not if i still hate him for what he did to me. For what he put me through. And after everything, he just turned his back and never thought to apologize or even make amends with me.
Even after we've been in each other's lives for quite some time since the night at the bar. Not once has he tried to explain to me why he did what he did. And I am suppose to just what? forget the past and move on? I tried that, I achieved that apparently for four years without him crossing my mind. I was focused on me, and my dream career. But then out of the blue, he came back into my life and just like that I was reminded of everything. And now I wish I could forget again.
But I can't even remember why I forgot in the first place.
"What are you thinking?" he asked, after I was silently staring at him.
"Um.. nothing.. just never knew that about that." I said, as I looked away, and back at the shelves, as I saw a photo with me in my mascot uniform, the cheerleading team and the basket ball team.
"You know I tried out for the cheerleading team back then. But I didn't make it because I wasn't pretty enough. All the acne and braces just weren't the trend. So they decided to put a mask over my head and bury me in the back instead. Everyone would call me names in the hallways of school, all because I was the school's cockroach." I said, as Hayden shook his head.
"Don't tell me you actually think that of yourself, as if you're some dork or something?" he asked, as I followed him back into the kitchen.
"Contacts can only do so much, some acne medicine, and skin care treatment later, yeah sure that can fix things. But sometimes when I look in the mirror, I can still see her. Deep down, I know that girl I was hasn't left me." I said, as he's silent.
He brings the casserole to the dining table, and pulls out my chair for my to take a seat, as I smile at his manners. He's still quiet though, as he scoops up casserole and places a steaming pile of it on my plate.
"Do you remember prom night?" he asked, as I laughed.
"Yeah, how could I forget? I spent weeks looking for the perfect dress to wear and once my friends and I found one, I showed up to prom only to be shot gunned with paint. And the great thing is, I was wearing white." I said, sarcastically giggling.
He places casserole on his plate, before pouring sparkling cider into wine glasses for us to drink. Once he takes he seat, he looks at me.
"The reason why Kristen orchestrated that whole thing at prom, was because she was jealous of you Maddie" he says, as I scoff.
"Kristen? head cheerleader Kristen? most popular girl in school because how pretty she was Kristen? the girl who made me fall into a self deprecating, eating disorder, because of how high she made the beauty standards at school? that Kristen was jealous of me?" I asked, as my response seemed to shock him.
"My point is Maddie, she wanted to ruin your dress because she saw how absolutely beautiful you looked that day. We all did. Hell, I couldn't take my eyes off of you. No one could. The saddest part is everyone else didn't start to realize you were beautiful, until you put on that dress and did your makeup. But I always noticed. Sure, take away the braces, the glasses, the acne, and bangs. But you are still very beautiful. You always have been. Kristen saw this, and she was jealous" he said, as I didn't know how to feel in this moment.
"No, you're just saying that because you pity me and I really don't need that coming from you Hayden." I say, feeling myself blush hard as I grab my wine glass.
"I don't pity you Maddie, I have been wanting to tell you you're beautiful for years. I just never had the guts too." he said, as he eyes me across the table.
"I don't believe you.. not for one second" I said, digging into my casserole.
"You're beautiful Maddison Manson, believe me or not. But you still deserve to hear it." he said, as he looked me directly in the eye. The sincerity in his tone lingering in the atmosphere, as I tried to remember how to breathe. He then started eating too.
"So, what have you been up to these last four years. I mean I already know the basics, sleeping with your boss, glowing up in college, going on hot girl walks, you know the usual. But what else? did I miss something?" he asked, as I rolled my eyes playfully, cause I knew he was mocking my introduction to his four year question.
"Well, since you are just dying to know. After I graduated high school, I went to college for pre law. But then changed my major to business. I just felt more passionate about business than law, I don't know why, I just found my calling. After college, I bounced from job to job before landing the one I had before. And in college, I started a diet, ate healthier, watched my weight, and made more of an effort to shed out of the skin of the girl I was in high school." I began, as he chewed in his casserole, nodding here and there.
"In college I wanted to completely reinvent myself and so I did. I stayed with my friends and then moved into my own place a little later." I said, as I took a moment to eat.
"You and your mom seem very close, that must be nice" he said, as my heart warmed thinking about my mother.
"my mom has always been my best friend, even when she can be a pain in my ass because she's always putting me in my place. But nevertheless, I know she has my best interest at heart. And she always will. My mother was always there when I was a kid, despite my own father." I said, stabbing a little too harshly with my fork onto my plate. As I can see Hayden flinch within the corner of my eye.
"I hope you don't mind me asking, but what happened with your father?" he asked, as I sighed and shook my head.
"My parents were never really close when I was a kid, I watched them fall further and further out of love for each other. And then soon, they divorced. I started to believe they were never in love within the first place. But it's because of the break up that made me closer with my mother." I said, as Hayden was quiet.
I set my fork down once my plate was finished, as I picked up my glass to take another sip. "My father was barely around before the divorce, my mother was always blaming it on business trips. Work outings. But deep down I knew she was just protecting me from the truth. The two of them met in college and as far as I know fell in love but I was never around for that part. I was an only child, but my childhood never felt lonely because my mother was the Lorelei to my Rory. From Gilmore girls." I said, as Hayden smiled, wiping his mouth with his napkin.
"oh my gosh I was obsessed with romance novels, rom coms, and lovey dovey songs when I was a child. But I started to compare how people were in love on screen to how my parents were in love offscreen. And it wasn't the same. So I started to believe love wasn't real. I literally convinced myself. Because every time I thought I saw a form of love in person. The couple would break up, argue, divorce, and leave each other without looking back. Or worse, they would cheat. Not once did I see people make up and get back together, or even work things out like how the couples did in movies or books. So I was convinced it didn't exist.
After all, that's what my mother told me back then. Movies and books were fiction. So didn't that mean love was fiction too? of course I knew platonic love exists. Cause I have that with my friends. But being in love? I'm not so sure anymore" I said, taking one last sip of my cider. Even though I'm not sure the last thing I just said was entirely true. Hayden was making me question everything at the moment.
"I'm not so sure either, it's not that I struggle with commitment. I just haven't found someone worth committing too." he said, as that made up for the conversation we had at the bowling alley.
"Your cooking isn't half bad" I said, pushing my plate towards the middle of the table, as he chuckled.
"My mother taught me a few things" he said, getting up from the table as he grabs our dirty dishes.
He and I are in the kitchen, washing dishes in the sink, as I'm thinking about how much closer I've gotten to Hayden this past hour. I haven't opened up to anyone about my life or my parent's relationship in awhile. I don't even think I have ever been on date. Or put forth the effort to get to know anyone this way because it's not who I am. In a way, it felt like Hayden was changing me. Almost like we were changing each other. I started to wonder what the effect I had on him was. But I don't know.
"The ultrasound for the sex of the baby is coming up soon. Would you want to be there? it's the next appointment." I asked, as he looked at me.
"Do you want me to be there?" he asked, as my stomach whirled.
"I don't mind" I said, as he smiled, before looking back at the dish he was washing.
"Then I'll be there" he said, as I smiled.
"How do you feel about being a mother?" he asked, as I scoffed, looking at the ceiling.
"I hadn't really thought about it much. But there's a sort of excitement towards it that I didn't know would be there." I said, as I dried the last plate and sat back on the kitchen counter.
"Obviously, I didn't think I would be a mother at such a young age so quickly. But I am happy about it, despite the circumstances." I said, as he grins, making my heart thump faster.
"Do you want them to be a boy or a girl?" he asked, as I shrugged.
"Either one, but I hope they're a girl" I said, as he leaned next to the counter beside me.
"What about you? how do you feel about becoming a father?" I asked, and the expression he gives me makes me feel fuzzy all over. My heart skips. Because yes, this was the first time I was calling him the father. And for some odd reason, it felt right. Cause he was. No matter how hard I have tried to deny it.
He sighs, running his hands through his hair, as I watch it fall right back into place so effortlessly.
"Well, if you've met me, you know I am not exactly father material." he said, as we laugh in unison.
"But, that doesn't mean I'm not willing to put myself up for the challenge, if you'll let me.. Maddie." he said, as he places a hand on my leg, caressing it slowly.
My breath hitches from his touch, and I can tell he notices but doesn't say anything.
"Do you want a boy or a girl?" I asked, changing the subject.
"Same as you, I don't mind either one. But of course, a boy. It feels less terrifying to have another one of me. But to raise another one of you, that seems like a nightmare!" he said, as I laugh shoving him playfully.
But when our laughter dies down, he becomes serious.
"No, it wouldn't be a nightmare.. I just know I would feel this overwhelming need to protect my daughter and keep her safe from all the evil that's out there. Especially men." he said, as I swooned.
"And you wouldn't feel protective over your son?" I asked, as he shook his head.
"Of course I would, it would just be different. Unfortunately, that's the society we live in within this day and age. " he said, as he looks at me with those blue eyes and I feel like I want to drown in them. He's turning me into a puddle of emotions I can't seem to swim my way out of and it's overwhelming to say the least.
"It's getting late" I said, as he nods.
"I should get home" I said, as he helps me off the counter, grabbing me by the waist, and pulling me gently towards him, as my feet touch the floor.
We're so close to each other within this moment, as I step back quickly, running into the counter abruptly, as I flinch. He chuckled. Making me blush from embarrassment.
"I'll walk you out" he said, as we headed to the front door, I lift my foot as he places my heels back on. Making me feel like a princess again.
"I'm happy you're letting me in Maddie" he says, standing to his feet as he takes my hand to steady me.
"I want you to know just how much I want to be apart of this baby's life. Not just because I feel obligated too. But because I truly want too. I don't care how long it takes, I am gonna prove to you that I am worth forgiving. That I have changed." he said, holding my hand and looking into my eyes with such intensity that I feel faint.
But I smile softly, not knowing how to respond to such a confession.
"You don't have to say anything.. I just wanted you to know" he said, as I nodded.
"I had a great time tonight Hayden, thank you for the meal." I said, as he smiled.
"You're welcome, maybe we could do this again some time." he said, as fear washed over me.
"When you're ready" he said, making me exhale.
"I would like that" I said, as he raises my hand and slowly places a kiss on the back.
"Good night Maddison" he whispers, as I'm speechless but somehow respond.
"Goodnight Hayden"
My feet lead me outside of his apartment and into the hallway, as I look at him before he closes the door, his eyes lingering on mine, before looking at the floor and closing the door. I somehow found the strength to carry myself back to the parking garage, as I thought about everything. Did I really let that man kiss my hand? remove and put on my heels? make my favorite food and tell him it's not half bad? did he really believe I was beautiful all these years but he was just too scared to tell me?
Ever since he laid eyes on me, he thought I was beautiful.
He had to have been just saying that, but nonetheless, it did something to me.
Those words fell through my ears, swallowed my insecurities, and found there way too my heart. Those words made a home for them self within a special place in my heart. And somehow I know that can never been undone. I can never fix it.
At this point I knew, Hayden Hiddleton would be the death of me.